New house in DP's name only. Confused about future housing situation

[NamechangeForthisquestion1]

I'm just looking for some advice/opinions. Me and DP are not married. However we have been together for 9 years (we live in England). When I moved in, my name was not put on the mortgage, this didn't matter because it wasn't my property, we were also 'dating' at the time and I moved in as I was in a tricky situation housing wise so we decided to see how it went. Once I started working I paid around £400 per month, equating to around half the groceries and bills.

DP wants to move and sell the house. The mortgage has nearly been paid off. He is being gifted some £, so new house will effectively be paid for (once the current property sells.) there will be no mortgage. He has asked me to help out more financially, and mentioned a logder agreement, also asked me how much the rate is for private rent, which is around £700 in this area for a 1 bed flat, so he has given this figure + half bills and food as a rough idea for a contribution.

However I'm worried.. not sure if I should be? I just have a niggling feeling that if something should go wrong (either - he decides to split with me, Or he dies - he's 10 years older than myself). What happens to me. The house will go to any remaining family member or if there are none, to the government. He mentioned that if anything like that happened, worst case scenario is I could lodge elsewhere 😨 However he did say I'm on the will, I think this is for his pension only.

I just want to make it clear I'm not wanting to take any money from him, I'm not being greedy. I just want security for myself. I don't really care if I end up in a bed sit as long as it's secure, there's some sort of agreement in place or I own it with my own mortgage. It will be very tough to save for my own deposit if I'm contributing the rate of a rented 1 bed flat. I work compressed hours over 3 days (30 hours) I hate my current job and I'm looking for something else. Unfortunately due to a poor upbringing, and ongoing mental health issues I've not been able to have a 'career' I did try training as an OT but had to drop out after year 1, I was severely burned out and just couldn't manage. (I think I actually had a breakdown - I was prescribed AD's which made things worse).

He did say that getting a buy to let would be a good idea, I agree but I don't think I could deal with the complexities of this at the moment. I don't think I have enough for a deposit (I have approx 20k in savings).
Please be gentle 😅 he reads MN so will probably read this, I am only looking for opinions though. Thanks

He has a lodger with benefits and js taking advantage of your lower financial status
He gets defensive when you try to discuss it.
If he cared about you, he would be treating you as a true partnership
You have no security and whilst you're subsiding him, you have little chance to save.
I would secure your own home as you'd have more rights as a tenant!
10k deposit is reasonable and you could explore your options
Be careful with shared ownership as you pay rent on the other half and are subject to their conditions

I own our house. DH isn't on the deeds. He pays half the mortgage now, but it's very low £235pm). In a few years the mortgage will be finished and I will only take money from him for bills and food. Having been through a divorce before, I would not put him on my deeds.

If £700pm is the going rate for a whole flat, this seems steep to charge you the same, as you're not getting a whole place to yourself are you?

I think you should pay half of bills and food, and no more. Any property maintenance is down to him, as it's his house.

Regarding stability if anything were to happen to him - well, if you were in rented you'd have no stability either, so I think that's a moot point really.

Does have kids? Who would the house go to if he died?

@LydiaLinus Your situation sounds totally different. He shouts at her if she brings any of it up. So how can she plan like yous two have?

Sorry if that came across as judgmental. You have far more in savings than I do. Concentrate on the positive things you've done.

I'm afraid what I hear is that this man doesn't help you with your self esteem.

Your feelings towards him sound like they are probably stronger than his for you. If you think this is true, it would be very important to explore that in therapy. Power inequalities in relationships are textbook in people with emotional/mental health problems. Ask me how I know.

Don't let this man use up all your good years only to abandon you with very little as you're hitting menopause (some women are fine, some women find work a strain, some find mental health gets more challenging, some feel better, but you just don't know). You're 40, you may not have that much longer before that happens, so really think about how you want the next 10-15 years to be. Right now you could walk out, buy a small place meet someone else and even possibly have children if you wanted.

Does your DP have savings of his own? Do you charge him rent thereby profiting from him and preventing him from saving for his future? If the answers are yes and no then you're not a cunt.

@NamechangeForthisquestion1 Op it’s not just about money is it like posters are saying, I know how you feel, limbo land? You wanted to get married? You’ve given up because he gets arsey about it? It’s the dynamic that’s gonna wear you down.

If he was 40 when you got together, does he have children from a previous relationship?

You are a couple in any meaningful sense of the word, or just housemates at this point? If he doesn't want to get married and the relationship is no longer physical, I can see why he is hesitant to put your name on his assets. This is not a great situation for you, or your long term financial security, but I do kind of see his point.

Also, if you have 20k in savings, why aren't you paying for counselling now?

So unless you let someone freeload from you you're a cunt?

No kids, if he died the house would - I assume, go to a family member, but I'm not 100% sure. I agree re getting legal advice. I'm not clued up about how to get advice but it would be a good idea if even to make it known that I will be living there but don't have any claim on the property, how much I'll be contributing and that this isn't toward the cost of the property, and ideally some sort of agreement that gives me a notice period if things go wrong. I've got nowhere to go if he kicked me out. (Sorry I'm waffling now).

I wonder whether he wasn't to dump you but is too chicken to say so.

@NamechangeForthisquestion1 is your £400 half of ALL bills?

If he lived by himself, would he be getting a lodger and charging them what he's wanting to charge you? I really doubt it.

He's essentially using you for financial gains.

(Btw, you're in a great position with such a solid savings account - it's more than I have, and I'm impressed - it's great that you used your low cost of living over the last few years so well, as many in your position wouldn't have.)

He has his savings, I have mine.

He pays for our holidays, weekly food and nights out. He pays a monthly amount towards the house.

I don't want to marry. He does.

Well you won’t find that with this man. He doesn’t love you snd has made you feel second rate. Lots of people are low earners or have intimacy and health issues within loving and supportive relationships. Your relationship is bad: he doesn’t treat you like more than a lodger, he doesn’t secure your future—which he could do—and he keeps his options open in such a way that you will obviously be left with nothing when he dies in favour if his relatives or the crown. How indifferent must he be to be so uncaring?

And it’s totally different to having a flat or house rented yourself, if he got mad (you know since he sounds like he argues about the future) he could just kick you out you know? That’s not really a great dynamic so your sort of in a situation here where you’re gonna change your behaviour in regards to not rocking the boat and I bet in some ways you won’t realise you’ve changed. Your mood will get better in your own place.

You’re not a failure op, none of us know what’s around the corner. In fact I’d like to know how vulnerable you were when you met him and whether the imbalance was there from the start but that’s possibly me projecting.

what would happen if you left? do you want to stay? if he views you as a lodger i'd suggest, kindly, that he doesn't view you as a life partner. i'm sorry. 40 isn't too old for a mortgage. you work. you can do it. where are your friends? what do they say? if you don't have any....i'd say, time to join a club, do something you enjoy, and make some. good luck

@LydiaLinus Do you argue with him when you are planning your setup?

I don't think the lodger agreement is about how he views her so much as making sure that in the event of a split, she can't say that she has contributed to the mortgage and therefore has a financial interest in the house.

I think the relationship aspect is over when the intimacy stopped and now he sees you more as a housemate. Wanting to charge you £700 pcm plus half of all bills and food is unfair and he knows it. If he thinks the relationship is over and he feels you are now a roommate/lodger then he should tell you that. I'd be asking him straight. You should continue to save as much as you can for a deposit or just for security for your future. I think I'd move out and leave him to it.

@DoreenonTill8 its only the two of us in a small 2 bed house, bills aren't huge. But they have probably increased with the COL. so maybe I should contribute more. I don't know 🤷‍♀️

You’re 40 years old, working part time and have have lived quite cheaply for the past 9 years.

Can you afford to LTB, because it doesn’t sound like it.

I think you should have a look at rental properties for yourself, and see if you can find a better deal than you are getting now or than what he’s proposing (when you take into consideration you’ll be paying all the bills yourself) - unfortunately I’m not sure you’ll find one.

Absolutely do use some of your 20k savings to get professional legal advice with regards to a cohabitation agreement.

This doesn’t sound like a partnership or relationship worth sticking around for. You are not on the same team as this man and it doesn’t sound like he has your interests at heart. I’d be using some of those savings to leave immediately into a short term rental and wash my hands of the situation.

OP, he's taking advantage of your vulnerability. Run for the hills!