New house in DP's name only. Confused about future housing situation

[NamechangeForthisquestion1]

I'm just looking for some advice/opinions. Me and DP are not married. However we have been together for 9 years (we live in England). When I moved in, my name was not put on the mortgage, this didn't matter because it wasn't my property, we were also 'dating' at the time and I moved in as I was in a tricky situation housing wise so we decided to see how it went. Once I started working I paid around £400 per month, equating to around half the groceries and bills.

DP wants to move and sell the house. The mortgage has nearly been paid off. He is being gifted some £, so new house will effectively be paid for (once the current property sells.) there will be no mortgage. He has asked me to help out more financially, and mentioned a logder agreement, also asked me how much the rate is for private rent, which is around £700 in this area for a 1 bed flat, so he has given this figure + half bills and food as a rough idea for a contribution.

However I'm worried.. not sure if I should be? I just have a niggling feeling that if something should go wrong (either - he decides to split with me, Or he dies - he's 10 years older than myself). What happens to me. The house will go to any remaining family member or if there are none, to the government. He mentioned that if anything like that happened, worst case scenario is I could lodge elsewhere 😨 However he did say I'm on the will, I think this is for his pension only.

I just want to make it clear I'm not wanting to take any money from him, I'm not being greedy. I just want security for myself. I don't really care if I end up in a bed sit as long as it's secure, there's some sort of agreement in place or I own it with my own mortgage. It will be very tough to save for my own deposit if I'm contributing the rate of a rented 1 bed flat. I work compressed hours over 3 days (30 hours) I hate my current job and I'm looking for something else. Unfortunately due to a poor upbringing, and ongoing mental health issues I've not been able to have a 'career' I did try training as an OT but had to drop out after year 1, I was severely burned out and just couldn't manage. (I think I actually had a breakdown - I was prescribed AD's which made things worse).

He did say that getting a buy to let would be a good idea, I agree but I don't think I could deal with the complexities of this at the moment. I don't think I have enough for a deposit (I have approx 20k in savings).
Please be gentle 😅 he reads MN so will probably read this, I am only looking for opinions though. Thanks

You can cope op. I get the impression you’ve been trained you won’t cope. You will.

OP doesn't work very PT though. Only 5 hours less than the minimum for a FT job.
If 700 is full rent for a one bed flat + half bills she's actually getting a worse deal than sharing a one-bed and splitting both rent and bills.
A house share will be much cheaper than said one bed anyway and include bills.

I'm very sorry you find yourself in such a low mindset OP - sounds like you could do with some professional support with that? - but while as a man he'll get blasted on here I find it hard to blame him for the stance he's taking

He's not stringing you along with promises of marriage, kids and a rosy future if you'll just do such-and-such, not dumping all the housework on you and not even using you for sex since you suggest there isn't much ... in fact it's hard to see what this is based on beyond him helping you out of a "tricky" housing situation while understandably guarding his own assets

This is (quite rightly) what everyone would advise a woman to do, so all in all his suggestion of you getting a buy to let to protect your own security is probably a good one

In the meantime I'd go on paying a share of the bills (but only which matches your income) then look to securing your own interests rather than expecting him to do it

@Gibafvk he doesn't understand mental health. It's pointless trying to make him understand. I wish I had some help

Omg you’ve had such a difficult life and you’ve tied yourself to a man, who isn’t treating you well. How much would it cost to buy a studio flat near enough to your work? Tbh I’d buy one and move there. This man does not care about your long term future and after 9 years together, he really should.

Also OP does he even help you out when needed?

Surely it should be either:

You put the money into this house purchase that you've saved (the £20k) and your £700 per month is slowly buying you a growing stake in the house. I'm not a solicitor but I imagine it's possible to put something in writing to make it clear it's not a 50/50 arrangement but you have a stake.

OR

You continue paying half the bills and food in the new place and have no say on the house in any way if he passes / you split up. But that gives you more financial opportunity to get a buy-to-let place of your own.

At the moment his proposal sounds like he's thinking only of himself and getting the maximum financial benefit he can.

I don't think pensions come into Wills. I think you have to be married or in a civil partnership.

Paying half of the bills doesn't equate to a financial interest in a property, just what she would have been paying if she lived alone, minus any rent! She's still better off than living alone.

Why, because I am female and therefore can’t be in the wrong in looking after my investment? If I am male there is much more criticism?

The background is the same. If I decide to leave my DP or to sell tomorrow, he is homeless.

My DP has the right to stay if I die, because he paid amount towards some renovations that I also funded. That is the pay back.

The OP can take legal advice, which is what I advised and make her decisions and plans accordingly.

@Puzzledandpissedoff Did you miss the bit where he argues with her with any discussion of navigating the future?

@NamechangeForthisquestion1 speak to a mortgage advisor or housing association about your options. You have a deposit and a job. Something like a shared ownership scheme may suit your needs. You will be renting but also have a financial stake in the property which can increase in value and be sold. The rental part is lower. Should you become ill and unable to work you will have a better chance of retaining your home or at least the initial financial stake.

It doesn't necessarily mean the end of your relationship if you don't want it to you. But standing on your own two feet might give you the self-esteem and respect you seem to have lost.

https://www.homeviews.com/blog/shared-ownership-pros-and-cons-in-simple-terms#:~:text=the%20sale%20process.-,Is%20Shared%20Ownership%20a%20good%20idea%3F,than%20saving%20to%20buy%20outright.

I think in your position I'd move into a shared house with bills included so you'd just have to.pay for food. I'd up my work hours. I have a feeling your mental health would improve without him making you feel inferior. I'd save like mad for a year and then look to buy a small flat. You have £20 now I'd pay into a LISA to get the government top up and I'd do it quickly just in case Rachel Reeves puts a stop to the government top up. I think you pay in £4k a year and the government adds a further £1. You can also pay your £20k into a high interest rate fixed bond or ISA. I opened one last week with 5.05 percent interest rate. Do this quickly with a fixed rate interest rate as savings rates are likely to fall soon.

A house share will be much cheaper than said one bed anyway and include bills.

You may be better off with a house share - rather than 1 bed flat - can save harder for better future.

I suspect this man isn't helping your esteem or your mental health so long term moving out may well be better.

Depends on the pension. I'm not married I can nominate anyone to receive my death in service ( should there be any) and pension ( lump sum and payments).

What comes across here @NamechangeForthisquestion1 is that you have very low self esteem. Your talk of "even a van" is - in the gentlest way possible - ridiculous.

It feels like this relationship has zero future - the man has taken legal advise to PREVENT you from having an interest in his house even if you are contribution £700 a month to his mortgage. He is actively making sure you are NOT his partner. I think it is time to listen to him and break up.

Where in the country are you? There are plenty of places where that £20k could be a deposit on a very nice 1 bedroom flat.

Stop beating yourself up for not having a "career" - apart from anything you are only 40. I'm 5 years older and am retraining right now for a new career (it will take me 3 years to qualify). A "job" is perfectly fine, although if you are worried about your long term security you should consider something in the civil service, perhaps.

But please do plan for yourself, alone, as an independent person. This man is not, as someone said upthread, on your team, and he is not good for your mental health, or even your financial health as you might have 20k in savings, but no equity in anything, and probably no pension either. But you are young and can turn that 20k into a deposit pretty fast.

@LydiaLinus nothing to do with gender. How weird. The fact that you and him came to a mutual agreement. You sound very snappy and defensive. I’m here to reply to op not your divorce story.

He's telling you what you are to him - you are a lodger. Believe him.

Why on earth would you pay £700 in some form of rent to him on a property where he has no mortgage and you would have no official interest in
And also pay half of food and bills…
I feel like he is taking advantage of you and your vulnerability
that is no partnership that I’ve ever heard of

I'm so sorry your family is grim and you find yourself in this situation. You sound like a very kind and thoughtful person.

Don't feel bad; your savings is amazing considering your challenges. Well done. You are young and have time to save more.

I think he's not helping your self-esteem. Hoping you get some good and actionable advice on this thread. 💐

There's no way Id be paying any rent let alone signing a lodger agreement. But it might be fair to contribute more if your £400 isn't actually half of the bills & food costs.

Because you are questioning me over my decisions. You seem to be supporting me, but not the male in the same situation.

Dear @NamechangeForthisquestion1 he has asked you to be a “lodger” because that way if the relationship ends, you won’t have a legal claim to the house you live in together, as you would if you were a spouse. I’m sorry if this is not the advice you want to hear, but as one woman to another, I read this post and wanted to give you an honest answer. You are contributing to your financial situation as a couple but this will count for nought if the relationship ever breaks up. The situation leaves you financially powerless and has been done so with intention. That’s up to you to ask yourself why. You are right to feel uncomfortable and have concerns about it. You don’t need to point out that you’re not “after his money” to us. Clearly you aren’t after his money or you would not have endured this situation for as long as you have. May I please gently point out and with all due respect to you, that your partner throws up big red flags for controlling behaviours. Not only with the living/financial situation but the fact that he as a man and non-mum (mums net!) is reading a forum for mothers. The fact you’ve had to change your name to ask this question shows you have fears or concerns about him checking up on your online activities or his reaction to them and this in itself is a control tactic. Please know that others are and have been in your type of situation and that while common, it’s not the sign of a healthy relationship in balance. Do you have good supports in life? Good friends and family? What do they say about the situation? Do yourself a favour and Google financial control in relationships. It sounds like you are intelligent and also might be ready to face some hard truths. I wish you strength and resilience to do so. I hope you find the partner, relationship and living arrangement you deserve. And it’s better than this. Please take care x

Time to move on OP. You need to put your long term financial security first because God knows your DP isn’t. Move out.

I already work in the civil service actually .. I'm not in a high paying role (I'm an EO). It doesn't sound like much but getting this job is probably the one thing I'm proud of. Only problem is I have my current role - but I can always move to another one. I'm applying for things currently

I opened a LISA before I turned 40. I haven't put anything in it yet