Can anyone see why I lost my temper when he mentioned Japan with his friends when we are getting married next year?

[sarahozen12]

Background story my partner has been on at me for about a year to plan our wedding. There was a time when he said it feels more like I am concerned about vacations than planning it, but for me it was still fairly soon (under a year) so I wasn't as rushed. That was in early 2024. Now I have started to actually start planning, he has complained about the finances. It's his cousins 21st birthday in September who recently had his brother die, and he has chosen to take him to ibiza for 1 night for his 21st. I think he feels some sort of responsibility for him. I wasn't too happy (finances, run up to wedding in April) but OK. I mentioned going abroad to meet our wedding planner/pick our linens/ etc and it was met with a sigh and a huff i put it down to money, but i thought why has he got enough money to go to ibiza but not to go and meet our planner and check the venue out (in my eyes this should be a priority)
Anyway we are getting married in April, haven't discussed honeymoon yet but we have said Bali. He had his mates over last night and said they were talking about going Japan?! I literally lost my temper, kind of embarrased myself but i just cannot believe i finally am planning this wedding and it seems he is more concerend about vacations with his friends. I do not want a married life with a husband that goes on international trips with his friends straight away, i had this idea of a first year of marriage bliss, honeymoon, we wanted to try for a baby? im just really confused and he says im being crazy, that it was just talked about and "he is allowed to talk about whatever he wants". When i said we have a wedding and honeymoon next year he said that will all be done by May. I did not have a image of getting married and my husband going on a japan trip...

the thing is these friends arent friends without him, so it would involve him going. he said he replied to his friends and said "oh yeah good chance ill be able to go there" but i would rather him just say he didnt want to go because hes about to get married and go on a honeymoon (some accountability and responsibility). now he is backtracking and saying at some point in his life he wants to go and maybe the year after etc. One of the friends is divorced and did not do anything like this when he was married! I just dont feel like a priority and i have tried explaining this.

AIBU?

I've just read all of your posts.

Do not marry this man.

Lots of red flags here OP

I beg you not to marry this man.

You already know that he's sexist, expects you to do all the work planning the wedding, expects you to keep a nice house and have a meal on the table when he gets home. I'm shocked that any still thinks like this. We're 60+ and my husband wouldn't dream of having such expectations. We're equals, with equal responsibility for decisions.

Your husband is planning on having financial control, and you looking after him like a 1050s housewife. He thinks he's in charge. He thinks you're not as capabable as him. He doesn't respect you as his equal.

Forget about holidays and planning a wedding - this man is bad news and will make you miserable for the rest of your days if you marry him.

He wants to have the final say in decision making

I bet he does. But do you want a life where there is never any point in expressing your views because what he says goes, no matter how stupid it might be? I couldn't tolerate a marriage on any basis other than complete equality.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5106473-said-he-is-going-to-vegas-in-the-midst-of-planning-a-wedding

This is your thread, right?

As a rule of thumb, if you've started 2 threads about your marriage before even getting married, it's a sign that you shouldn't get married.

Oh this all sounds like a bit of a headache!
Several things come to my mind:
I don't think there's anything wrong with him taking his recently bereaved cousin away for his 21st. I think that's nice. In fact, I'd encourage him to go for a few more nights. One night seems like a waste of time given how far it is.
Secondly, I think it's awful that you seem to be planning the wedding single handedly. You should both be planning it together.
Thirdly, he doesn't seem that interested in the wedding if he's sighing etc when you tell about plans, not interested in going to visit the venue?
Fourthly, you seem to have very different ideas. You envisage the first year of married life to be the two of you in a kind of newly wed bubble, trying for a baby etc. He sees is as carrying on with normal life, expensive holidays with his mates etc. I'm not saying either of you are wrong but this difference in opinions is causing massive tensions.
Finally re Japan, a lot depends on money. Is this something he can easily afford and it won't have a big impact on your finances? It will cost thousands but if he has a lot of money I wouldn't mind. Me and DH do a lot together but we also do things separately, little trips with our own friends etc. I personally like this. I wouldn't want us to only do things as a couple because I'd find it suffocating. Neither of us would go to Japan with mates simply because it's incredibly expensive - but we do have UK trips with friends and have also done trips to Spain and France with mates. If your partner is the kind of person who wants to continue to have holidays with his friends and you don't want him to - it'll cause massive problems! Japan is just the top of the iceberg. No doubt this is an issue that will come up time and time again.

From your posts, I don’t know how you ever ended up engaged as you appear to be so incompatible with each other. Why is he encouraging you to give up work on the one hand when he is then complaining about the cost of going abroad to organise your wedding? Where is this destination wedding and whose idea was it?

Don't marry him. He's clearly not that in to you. He'll marry you so long as you do anything that requires effort or engagement and don't bother him with such pettiness, and will continue with his own independent lifestyle both before and after. The same attitude will happen if you have kids - he'll be fine to go along with it but will expect you to do all the work and won't let it affect his decisions, beyond providing finances.

He basically doesn't categorise you as quite fully a "person" in the same way as he is. You are a supporting actor while he is the main actor.

Just don't marry him. You can't fix him and this won't end happily. If you marry you'll be divorced before your eldest child is 3, probably while you are pregnant with #2.

For the love of god, you’d be an absolute fool to marry this controlling misogynist.

Why do you want to marry this man and legally tie yourself to him? You don't sound very aligned on priorities/attitudes?

He sounds like he is going to isolate you. 🚩

You both sound too immature to get married.

Still wondering why you two are even together OP let alone getting married and thinking about ttc.
If you go ahead, I hope you aren't back on here in a year or two moaning about dh going off on hols with the boys whilst you are at home with dc.
There is so much more to marriage than a dress, the party and spouses actting like they are still single when the wife is expecting.

Meant to add, I'd only read your first OP and nothing else to get a measure of this bloke.

Ultimately OP, he wants the final say, you know this and you’re fully aware that this is what you’re signing up to if you marry him. This situation is just a taster of that. He gets final say on where he goes and what he spends his money on, is it really what you want, to have to always suck it up?

Please don't marry a sexist man. Your life will be full of resentment and drudgery.

I think you should have a serious conversation, he's not on the same page as you. It's not going to get better. Consider it an early warning

I haven’t read all of the responses, but all of OP’s, so apologies if it’s already been said…

OP on the surface neither of you are wrong. He wanted to plan the wedding and you didn’t make it a priority, then you started planning but he now doesn’t see it as much of a priority. You wanted trips and so does he.

However, he’s foolish planning a big lads holiday when you’re in the middle of wedding planning, of course that should take priority as well as your honeymoon, then he can look at doing things with his friends after.
I get it, my DH was talking about a big trip for his stag do at the same time as I was trying to juggle finances for the wedding. He didn’t go in the end because he couldn’t afford it, I think it was just the hype.

If part of your issue is that you don’t want him having lads holidays once you’re married (some people do feel this way) then you need to be straight with him so he knows your expectations and can decide if that works for him.

Most importantly and urgently, you need to stop wedding planning until you’ve both sat and reviewed each others finances. I speak from experience, I took my DH word for it as I roughly knew his income and expenditure. How wrong was I. We have had a lot of struggles since and I’ve kicked myself for being so trusting and naive.

you don't say how long you have been together? It certainly sounds like you have different expectations of your future life together. I'd put the brakes on the getting wed thing and have a good think about whether you actually should be together. And "but I love him/but he loves me" is not an answer.

.... he has tendencies of misogynistic. Why would you consider marrying this person? Would you marry someone who felt that your race or your religion or your nationality made you categorically inferior to him and believed he could limit your choices and actions because of that? He doesn’t like me going on vacations without him really and would be so angry if I done any thing like that to him after the wedding, which makes it even more confusing! Sounds like a symptom of more than "tendencies" of misogyny!

He wants to have the final say in decision making. Understandable, but the way for him to do that is to remain single and financially independent. Marriage is incompatible with this goal. [H]e says he has money and can do whatever he wants. Yes, again, as a single person.

... he wont discuss things with me.This would be a big potential dealbreaker, even if he seemed OK in other ways. He doesn't have to drop everything and have a conversation with you whenever you ask (or vice versa), but he has to have the willingness and ability and commitment to communicate when needed, even if that means saying "let's talk later". If he unilaterally refuses to discuss the wedding or travel plans or money now, what's going to happen when the two of you are facing real difficulties and life decisions, raising children together, etc.?

Why on earth are you going to Ibiza to look at linens!? Have I missed something!?!

Can you afford the holidays? TBH I think it is a bit much to expect such control over your entire first year of being married, I don't see why he can't go away if he can afford it! Sounds like he is the one putting his hand into his pockets for an incredibly expensive wedding.

You are getting married in Bali, and this ISN'T your holiday destination!?!?! Blimey.

Ehh I don't understand?? Seems like you live together already? What's going to change after the marriage that you want that 'first year of bliss.'
I would get it of you were a virgin and still loved at home and this would be your first time setting up a home. Ja then I'd be pissed he's leaving a month after the wedding (although can't think of any man who would)

Also, he's paying for the wedding so you're planning a very extravagant, overseas wedding, eh?

The OP is not going to Ibiza to look at linens, we don’t know where the wedding is. It’s her partner who is planning to go to Ibiza on a birthday trip with his cousin. The wedding is not in Bali, the honeymoon might be if anyone ever gets around to organising something. I’m not quite sure why you would have a destination wedding though and then still need somewhere completely separate for a honeymoon. It sounds like there are large sums of money involved here with her fiance footing the bill at his request. But the Relationship sounds as if they are completely completely out of sync though and on different pages about far more than just the wedding planning.

@AlohaRose I'm more curious what "wedding linens" even are?

Not something I ever needed to worry about that’s for sure! It does suggest a rather extravagant wedding though where everything will have to be colour coordinated and involve much fussing over menus and entertainment and ice sculptures. Given some of what the OP has posted here, I think she would be better off concentrating on how the marriage will look afterwards rather than the one day of an exotic overseas wedding.