Can anyone see why I lost my temper when he mentioned Japan with his friends when we are getting married next year?

[sarahozen12]

Background story my partner has been on at me for about a year to plan our wedding. There was a time when he said it feels more like I am concerned about vacations than planning it, but for me it was still fairly soon (under a year) so I wasn't as rushed. That was in early 2024. Now I have started to actually start planning, he has complained about the finances. It's his cousins 21st birthday in September who recently had his brother die, and he has chosen to take him to ibiza for 1 night for his 21st. I think he feels some sort of responsibility for him. I wasn't too happy (finances, run up to wedding in April) but OK. I mentioned going abroad to meet our wedding planner/pick our linens/ etc and it was met with a sigh and a huff i put it down to money, but i thought why has he got enough money to go to ibiza but not to go and meet our planner and check the venue out (in my eyes this should be a priority)
Anyway we are getting married in April, haven't discussed honeymoon yet but we have said Bali. He had his mates over last night and said they were talking about going Japan?! I literally lost my temper, kind of embarrased myself but i just cannot believe i finally am planning this wedding and it seems he is more concerend about vacations with his friends. I do not want a married life with a husband that goes on international trips with his friends straight away, i had this idea of a first year of marriage bliss, honeymoon, we wanted to try for a baby? im just really confused and he says im being crazy, that it was just talked about and "he is allowed to talk about whatever he wants". When i said we have a wedding and honeymoon next year he said that will all be done by May. I did not have a image of getting married and my husband going on a japan trip...

the thing is these friends arent friends without him, so it would involve him going. he said he replied to his friends and said "oh yeah good chance ill be able to go there" but i would rather him just say he didnt want to go because hes about to get married and go on a honeymoon (some accountability and responsibility). now he is backtracking and saying at some point in his life he wants to go and maybe the year after etc. One of the friends is divorced and did not do anything like this when he was married! I just dont feel like a priority and i have tried explaining this.

AIBU?

Oh gosh op, please don't marry this boy.

he wants you to give up work and keep house while he controls all the money? oh and he’s whining and childish.

why do you want to marry this absolute dickhead??

YANBU. Japan is crazy expensive! The flights and hotels plus food and travel within the country and other things would mean he would spend several ££££. Asia and Australia are the most expensive holidays he could go on. Ibiza for a couple of nights is fine.

100% this ! He sounds very controlling , cancle the wedding and get rid

A potential holiday be it Ibiza or Japan are a red herring here.

the real questions are what he won’t share money with you, gaslights you over what he did or didn’t say and that you are arguing over this

in principal there is no reason in a healthy relationship why he can’t holiday with friends and I’d be wary of anyone telling me whether I could or couldn’t holiday in the year we got married. I think you are making out this first year is somehow magical. I imagine you live together now so after the wedding it will be exactly the same. Not some film star revelation of madrigal bliss.

on the other hand there seems a back story of division between him and you. Wanting to hide/seperate finances and wanting you to give up work are red flags to someone who controls you. Got forward a few years and how do you propose to work full time to keep your money coming in, have kids and have dinner in the table and a clean house? I whilst he Seanad off on holidays and says it’s not fair as he pays for the house. I can tell you now that won’t work.

Step back, hold off the wedding and work through these issues. The phrase marry in haste and repent at leisure sounds appropriate here!

He is not ready for marriage or parenthood. I would not be marrying this man. You eill be a stay at home single mum while he goes off and plays with his friends.
I'd postpone the wedding until he's grown up.

I thought that too. What happened about the Las Vegas trip?

What linens do you need to go abroad to pick? I didn't do anything like this for my wedding. It sounds a bit odd.

Run. Do not look back.

This guy sounds like bad fucking news. Do not marry him. He’s a raging misogynist for one.

I adore my DH and was very excited and happy to marry him. I'd do it again. But if you gave me the option of trip to Japan with my friends or trip with DH to look at table linens, the napkins would not be the trip I'd be interested in. I'd go if it was important to him or we had to to sort stuff but it would be a job.

Sounds like you have some more fundamental issues though.

It's this post here that would have me revaluating the entire relationship/marriage tbh. I'd be very annoyed if my fiancé wanted to go on these 2 trips so close to the wedding while refusing to plan a holiday together due to finances. I'd be fucking apoplectic if he felt he could go away with friends/family alone but I couldn't do the same, this doesn't show he values you as an equal and would have me packing my bags as that will never change 💐

Do not get married. You will just as quickly be getting divorced.

So he openly says he can do whatever he wants, but you can’t do exactly the same thing? It’s really not confusing - he’s a misogynist. This marriage has disaster written all over it.

He said everything will be done by May? Your wedding isn't the most important thing. It's your marriage. It sounds like he thinks he can pay for a grand wedding, get you to do all the work and then carry on as normal. Once you're married he will do as he likes as he'll feel he has 'got' you. Tbh you sound completely incompatible. He doesn't sound ready for marriage.

It's not £45 a drink that's just bollocks!
Probably one type of drink in one nobby venue costs that. It's cheaper than the UK otherwise.

What's your cultural background OP?

He doesn’t like me going on vacations without him really and would be so angry if I done any thing like that to him after the wedding, which makes it even more confusing!

For me, this isn't 'confusing' this is beginning to sound like double standards. I'm afraid I really don't like the division of labour where he pays and then complains about the cost, while you do the be planning and put up with his complaining.

Is this how you see your life panning out?

Are you sure this is what you want to commit to for the rest of your life? How would it be if he were happy to play his part and proud of you for doing the planning?

Does that sound so impossible?

He wants to have the final say in decision making

And there you have it. He gets credit for not hiding his views? Why does this not seem like an instant reason to not marry him? Why are you even thinking about marrying this ... I can't think of anything bad enough to say about him. I guess you won't be able to say you were not warned.

What have you learned growing up about how marriages are supposed to work ?

Hope this thread is helpful and even if it's late, that you start to think about what you want and deserve in life. You deserve so much more than this.

Only advice I have is don’t go to Bali.
We went as a party of 10 last Christmas, 8 of us came home sick. Won’t be going back

Good relationships should not be that complicated and unbalanced.

Frankly you both sound like you are not suited to each other and there are some major red flags here in his behaviour.

I would not marry that man...

I think one night in Ibiza with a cousin who's lost his brother, for his 21st is fine. Are you and DP very young too?

The idea that he's paying, so you do all the work is not . That attitude will come into your whole lives, if he's the greater earner/you reduce paid work when you have DC. He pays for the house, you clean it, he pays for DC so you do all the childcare.

Would he be so keen to get the wedding planned if it was in a local church hall, or is that all about the trip and destination wedding too?

@sarahozen12

LISTEN UP!

he is showing you who he is. PAY ATTENTION.

he’s supposed to be loved up and excited at a life and marriage with you.

hes not. You are sleepwalking into a very abusive relationship.

what’s your relationship history?

He can go on trips alone. You can't.
He wants to earn and control all the money. He's encouraging you not to work. All the life admin in the house and for the wedding is your responsibility but you need to do it to his standards.
You are not equal partners. He will never consider you to be equal partners. It doesn't look like a good relationship now but it will be absolutely awful if you have children together.

OP, it sounds like he said the things at the start of the relationship that a certain type of man (the misogynistic sort you wouldn't want to marry) say to women because they believe (because someone told them or they read somewhere) that all you need to do is say the right things and a woman will be happy; get married and the woman will be happy; cough up the money and the woman will be happy...

He believes that, as long as he says the right things to you - he really wants to travel the world with his wife; of course he didn't actually mean he'll go to Japan with the boys next year - he can do what he likes. He just needs to 'manage' you along the way.

I don't think he sees marrying you as a lifetime commitment to his best friend. I think you're 'er indoors; the missus; the old ball and chain. He doesn't see you as equal partners. You're going to be living a 70s sitcom of a marriage where you're portrayed as the nagging fishwife and he's the hen pecked husband who is justified in whatever he says/does because you make his life a misery. He'll just roll his eyes at you, say what he thinks he needs to say to shut you up and then do what he likes anyway while his mates all laugh and they bemoan 'women' over a pint.

You are sleepwalking into a very abusive relationship.

You really need to take heed of this sentence.

He is a walking whole pile of red flags.
Do not settle for this man - your life will be mumsnet posts every week.