Can anyone see why I lost my temper when he mentioned Japan with his friends when we are getting married next year?

[sarahozen12]

Background story my partner has been on at me for about a year to plan our wedding. There was a time when he said it feels more like I am concerned about vacations than planning it, but for me it was still fairly soon (under a year) so I wasn't as rushed. That was in early 2024. Now I have started to actually start planning, he has complained about the finances. It's his cousins 21st birthday in September who recently had his brother die, and he has chosen to take him to ibiza for 1 night for his 21st. I think he feels some sort of responsibility for him. I wasn't too happy (finances, run up to wedding in April) but OK. I mentioned going abroad to meet our wedding planner/pick our linens/ etc and it was met with a sigh and a huff i put it down to money, but i thought why has he got enough money to go to ibiza but not to go and meet our planner and check the venue out (in my eyes this should be a priority)
Anyway we are getting married in April, haven't discussed honeymoon yet but we have said Bali. He had his mates over last night and said they were talking about going Japan?! I literally lost my temper, kind of embarrased myself but i just cannot believe i finally am planning this wedding and it seems he is more concerend about vacations with his friends. I do not want a married life with a husband that goes on international trips with his friends straight away, i had this idea of a first year of marriage bliss, honeymoon, we wanted to try for a baby? im just really confused and he says im being crazy, that it was just talked about and "he is allowed to talk about whatever he wants". When i said we have a wedding and honeymoon next year he said that will all be done by May. I did not have a image of getting married and my husband going on a japan trip...

the thing is these friends arent friends without him, so it would involve him going. he said he replied to his friends and said "oh yeah good chance ill be able to go there" but i would rather him just say he didnt want to go because hes about to get married and go on a honeymoon (some accountability and responsibility). now he is backtracking and saying at some point in his life he wants to go and maybe the year after etc. One of the friends is divorced and did not do anything like this when he was married! I just dont feel like a priority and i have tried explaining this.

AIBU?

This ! 100 times this

@sarahozen12

It isn't a case of "if" he becomes abusive

HE ALREADY IS!!

Please do not marry, him. Run away fast!

If he has tendencies to be misogynistic then don’t marry him.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5127242-dp-has-been-a-twat?reply=137032276

Sound similar?

This is your future......

Yes. Most utter, utter twats wait until after marriage/children to reveal quite how twattish they are.

It's quite hard to compute that the OP is still wanting to marry him knowing this information.

Having said that it's quite hard to understand how difficult it is leaving a marriage to an abusive man until you've actually been in a marriage like that. Believe everyone on this thread OP, it's SO much easier not to marry him in the first place.

It's crazy. This guy isn't even hiding that he is a controlling, misogynistic twat, yet it is not putting you off him. What is wrong with you? Seriously. Why would you willingly choose this life for yourself and your future children? You're failing them before they are even born by picking this selfish shit to be their father.

There’s something about this relationship that’s sounds ‘off’. Can’t put my finger on it exactly, maybe it’s the lack of co-operation? The way he speaks to you, ‘I’m going to do, what I want to do’ sort of thing? I don’t know, it doesn’t sound as if you are in sync with each other at all. Think carefully, he sounds a strong character, what you’ve got is going to continue.

He sounds like a young man with a fair bit of money who is not used to having to compromise. Getting a wife is a lifestyle asset rather than a lifelong companion.

This. He sounds like a massive twat but I can’t imagine many people (and no men at all) would want to fly abroad to look at table linen at any time, but especially if it’s a stretch to pay for a trip to Japan.

The very choice reminds me of Red Dwarf when Kryten has a fit of insecurity and demands to know whether Lister would choose making love to Kochanski or folding sheets with Kryten.