Can anyone see why I lost my temper when he mentioned Japan with his friends when we are getting married next year?

[sarahozen12]

Background story my partner has been on at me for about a year to plan our wedding. There was a time when he said it feels more like I am concerned about vacations than planning it, but for me it was still fairly soon (under a year) so I wasn't as rushed. That was in early 2024. Now I have started to actually start planning, he has complained about the finances. It's his cousins 21st birthday in September who recently had his brother die, and he has chosen to take him to ibiza for 1 night for his 21st. I think he feels some sort of responsibility for him. I wasn't too happy (finances, run up to wedding in April) but OK. I mentioned going abroad to meet our wedding planner/pick our linens/ etc and it was met with a sigh and a huff i put it down to money, but i thought why has he got enough money to go to ibiza but not to go and meet our planner and check the venue out (in my eyes this should be a priority)
Anyway we are getting married in April, haven't discussed honeymoon yet but we have said Bali. He had his mates over last night and said they were talking about going Japan?! I literally lost my temper, kind of embarrased myself but i just cannot believe i finally am planning this wedding and it seems he is more concerend about vacations with his friends. I do not want a married life with a husband that goes on international trips with his friends straight away, i had this idea of a first year of marriage bliss, honeymoon, we wanted to try for a baby? im just really confused and he says im being crazy, that it was just talked about and "he is allowed to talk about whatever he wants". When i said we have a wedding and honeymoon next year he said that will all be done by May. I did not have a image of getting married and my husband going on a japan trip...

the thing is these friends arent friends without him, so it would involve him going. he said he replied to his friends and said "oh yeah good chance ill be able to go there" but i would rather him just say he didnt want to go because hes about to get married and go on a honeymoon (some accountability and responsibility). now he is backtracking and saying at some point in his life he wants to go and maybe the year after etc. One of the friends is divorced and did not do anything like this when he was married! I just dont feel like a priority and i have tried explaining this.

AIBU?

You need to slam the brakes on now re both him and this wedding. You certainly do not need to go overseas to look at table linens or meet the wedding planner.

When it comes to important issues you and he are incompatible. That’s the real issue here.

Read this over and over again OP until it sinks in.

All those people banging on about being fine about holidays/go on their own friends holidays are totally missing the point. It probably would be fine if you are in an equal respectful relationship where each of you gets to do want you want but where each of you is also committed to quality time with each other.

This is not the case here: he wants his lads holidays but wouldn't like the OP to have hers. He moans about finances but then is fine about spending money on himself/his mates - a trip to Ibiza and Japan is not remotely cheap. Then there is the wanting the OP to be a 50s housewife and give up work.

None of this is good. It's not about holidays or weddings or friendships: it's about control and double standards.

“I do work. In terms of finances he would love me to give up work but I won’t. He wants to have his own account and one joint account eg he wants to keep his money separated. Which ok I will also keep my money seperate

he wont discuss things with me when I try to talk about getting on the same page, kind of changes the subject or makes it feel irrelevant or makes me sound ridiculous for even wanting to discuss those types of things because “of course he is on the same page as me”

around the house, he wants to pay for everything, but he would want a dinner/meal and a clean house etc. I could keep my money to myself though. He wants to have the final say in decision making”

Yikes - he sounds awful, OP. Why would you want that for yourself?

Do.
Not.
Get.
Married.

This is simply a foretaste of your marriage. He wants his way and his way alone. Whatever else a marriage is supposed to be about it's a joint effort, a partnership in which resources are pooled and the pair pull together. You have absolutely no hope of that with him

Agree to the holidays and use your time and savings to get the hell out of this relationship. Plenty of nice men out there. What you've got is an overgrown and entitled teenager.

Run.

This is a massive red flag, why isn't he open and transparent?
Do not put yourself in a position of being reliant on him, not having financial transparency and joint goals.
Getting married is a big deal and assets become joint property
you should split bills fairly (in line with earnings IMO) and have some joint savings too
having separate accounts and some money for your own expenses and savings is perfectly normal but you really need to be on the same page, sit down budget together
Sounds like he wants to get married but have life of a single man

OP
Read this thread
This is what you are potentially walking into
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5122881-husband-is-demanding-money?page=1

You should be running away not planning a wedding.

Who travels to Ibiza for one night from the US?

If he is planning to go to Japan with his friends after marriage

Where are you going with your friends on holiday ?

Ensure that he is happy for you to have holidays, before you get married

@Opentooffers he has actually said before that IF I CHOOSE to keep working then he thinks i should pay for childcare, because it is my choice to keep on working. I need to revisit that conversation... anyway, his family would be the childcare so I don't think that would be an issue, but he said its my choice so i should pay. i dont agree

Why? It's not the 1950s, presumably OP and fiance have been living together a while.

OP you seem to have different expectations of married life, of the wedding and who is doing what in terms of organising, and your finances. Suggest you communicate with each other and work out some compromises before you proceed with planning to get married.

How do you know his family would provide full time childcare? They might think differently after they've looked after a boisterous toddler for a day or two. Childcare costs should be split between both parents. You also say he has the final decision. Almost everything should be a joint decision.

OP your relationship is a slow motion car crash. Of course it's not acceptable for you to pay for all the childcare especially since he's obviously such a high earner. He's trying to force you out of work so you are completely dependent on him.

He sounds like a very selfish, dominating man who will crush any independence out of you.

@sarahozen12 do you actually love this man?
It really doesn't sound like you do.
End it now.
Please.

There's an incredibly weird dynamic going on here.

Is he much richer and/or much older than you?
Do you need to marry him for a visa or something?

For some reason he considers you a complete second class citizen in your own life, but is willing to tolerate you as his housekeeper and breeding stock. As long as you don't get any funny ideas about making independent choices.

Is that really what you want from your life?

This sounds doomed from the off. Postpone the wedding. Give yourself 6 months and decide if this is really what you want

Obviously only getting a snippet of the relationship but he sounds gross - misogyny is so dead. I can't see a happy ending here to be honest. If you have kids with this man you are headed for a world of pain. I'd chuck him back in to be honest, you must have a better option than this.

Right, but he can have a kid and keep working and doesn’t have to pay for childcare even though it’s his choice? The guy is a dickhead. Is money more important to you than equality?

What are his family like? If they are like him, do you really want them looking after your children full time?
Also, is this an ' arranged marriage '? It sounds like something you feel you have to go along with whatever he says. But arranged marriages aren't that. You have to freely enter into one and have a right to say no. Otherwise it is a forced marriage, which is illegal. There doesn't seem to be any love there at all, which, in itself is also fine. But love grows out of mutual respect, mutusl gosls and actually liking the other person, which there doesn't seem to be here at all.

Jesus wept! his kids, his responsibility too?
Girl, RUN

Jesus Christ. You don’t agree on any major things that are mega dealbreakers for most - finances, marriage plans, childcare, being SAHM. You find him misogynistic.

Are either of you aware of the fact you don’t have to get married?! Why are you getting married?

Why? It's not the 1950s

Are you seriously typing that in defence of a man who expects to have his dinner on the table when he gets home?

OP - one simple question.......why do you want to marry a man who says he has the final decision. I cannot get my head around that. The childcare for example, if you had a kid and went back to work, would he really not pay towards day care? You don't agree yet you're still marrying him?

Bit of an aside, but they're holidays not vacations. Unless you're American of course.

Don't marry him.