Can anyone see why I lost my temper when he mentioned Japan with his friends when we are getting married next year?

[sarahozen12]

Background story my partner has been on at me for about a year to plan our wedding. There was a time when he said it feels more like I am concerned about vacations than planning it, but for me it was still fairly soon (under a year) so I wasn't as rushed. That was in early 2024. Now I have started to actually start planning, he has complained about the finances. It's his cousins 21st birthday in September who recently had his brother die, and he has chosen to take him to ibiza for 1 night for his 21st. I think he feels some sort of responsibility for him. I wasn't too happy (finances, run up to wedding in April) but OK. I mentioned going abroad to meet our wedding planner/pick our linens/ etc and it was met with a sigh and a huff i put it down to money, but i thought why has he got enough money to go to ibiza but not to go and meet our planner and check the venue out (in my eyes this should be a priority)
Anyway we are getting married in April, haven't discussed honeymoon yet but we have said Bali. He had his mates over last night and said they were talking about going Japan?! I literally lost my temper, kind of embarrased myself but i just cannot believe i finally am planning this wedding and it seems he is more concerend about vacations with his friends. I do not want a married life with a husband that goes on international trips with his friends straight away, i had this idea of a first year of marriage bliss, honeymoon, we wanted to try for a baby? im just really confused and he says im being crazy, that it was just talked about and "he is allowed to talk about whatever he wants". When i said we have a wedding and honeymoon next year he said that will all be done by May. I did not have a image of getting married and my husband going on a japan trip...

the thing is these friends arent friends without him, so it would involve him going. he said he replied to his friends and said "oh yeah good chance ill be able to go there" but i would rather him just say he didnt want to go because hes about to get married and go on a honeymoon (some accountability and responsibility). now he is backtracking and saying at some point in his life he wants to go and maybe the year after etc. One of the friends is divorced and did not do anything like this when he was married! I just dont feel like a priority and i have tried explaining this.

AIBU?

Remarkably, he seems to be very honest about what an utter, utter twat he is.

It is also clear how dreadful it would be if you were to marry him.

I'm going to be very blunt about this - you are knowingly walking into an abusive situation, and if you have children with this man you will be knowingly and willingly putting children into an abusive household, and that would make you an awful, awful person. You don't have to marry this man, what are you doing???

Can i ask why you would want to be in an unequal marriage where you would be 100% for any potential children. His money is his own affair according to him and none of your business? Your freedoms will be eroded bit by bit. No doubt you will give up your career when children arise. There is a price to pay for not paying your fair share and you will pay it.

That said you seem happy to sell yourself down the river. I think the trip to Ibiza is fine and a lovely gesture. Dont for a minute think you will be equal partners

I also think you're underestimating how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship once you have children.

Once they are here, it's harder to move - you feel you are uprooting them, ruining their lives, you have more stuff to move and, whilst you can sofa surf for a while, children can't, money becomes more of a concern. So you stay and then they also become victims of DA.

You are so going to regret marrying him.

And definitely don't have a baby with him. He will make you both miserable.

OP, you have raised a lot of concerning things about this man, in this thread and your last.

I do understand people sometimes use anonymous forums to vent, and may therefore sound more negative than they really feel. But can I ask:

A) do you love him?
B) do you like him?
C) do you imagine marriage to him will be a positive thing for you? If so, in what ways?

Hope you are ok. I've had a couple of failed marriages, one of which I in many ways knew was doomed even as I married him. I know it can be hard to extricate yourself sometimes.

We can help with advice and emotional support, if that's what you need to do.

Not having rtft, I would say the problem is, he doesn't want to get married because he is wildly in love and thinking about you all the time, it's more about nailing you down so he has you in place. If it was the former, you'd expect him to be thinking about being newly married with you and traveling with you, not buggering off with his mates. Of course there's nothing wrong with that in a marriage but immediately after the wedding, embarking on a new married life, you'd expect and want him to be looking only at you. The Ibiza thing is fine and only really annoying if he is begrudging you going to sort wedding details abroad.
Do you really want to be in a relationship where 'he gets the final say', where he would mind you going on holiday with your friends at some point?

Put getting married on ice because on the face of it.it will be a short marriage ending in a divorce.

Don't marry him.

But you could be using that time to build a life, to find someone who genuinely cares for you. Rather than fighting back on having a job because you know this man doesn’t have your back, he won’t support you or any children you have, he will prioritise himself and he will expect not value your contribution around the home

You seem to have very different approaches to life. I know a destination wedding with linen decisions (linen?) sounds like a lovely idea, but getting married isn't about the dress or the location or the linen. It's about being a team, working in partnership with each other, not forcing views on each other.

I haven’t been able to read all of the posts but I hope you are still reading.

Please do not marry this man without couples counselling to discuss and set a married life agenda and expectations.

Sharing your life with him ideally means sharing everything, including the money. A child would be shared so the expense should be shared. Fairly. Not necessarily equally. Eg. He pays more. You both end up with the same amount of personal money to spend at the end of the month.

I maybe jumping to conclusions but it all sounds very Andrew Tate to me. The woman needs to be at home with no control over any finances??! You would be stuck with no way of leaving.

Also sounds like he wants the big fancy wedding but a small, insignificant wife.

Let him have a week in Ibiza (1 day is not enough!) and a life on his own.

Seriously. Run. Very fast. And don’t have kids with this ‘man’

It sounds like the marriage is a recipe for disaster, not because of a holiday but because of his views in your future roles and responsibilities. Why is he not helping to plan the wedding?

FWIW dh and I have lives outside of our marriage and have always travelled and had big trips or weekends away with friends. Unless money/ childcare is an issue I don't see the problem. It's healthy to have other interests and experiences.

My husband pushed for marriage early on. I kept putting it off. We were living together so I wasn’t bothered about the marriage bit. After 18 months I agreed and he spent a week being delighted then it went on his back boiler, too. He said, he had only asked to see if I would, not because he really wanted it. 8 years later he arranged a wedding by Special Licence because I was leaving due to his cheating. It lasted a year , then I did leave.

Im getting red flags about your situation. I think you should cancel the wedding for now , maybe for a couple of years, till you find out more about his behaviours and attitudes.
If I were you, I would dump him but that’s not my shout. I just suggest you slow down , at least before tying yourself legally to this man. It’s so easy to get married. Not so easy to get divorced.

edited to add, I missed a lot of the messages, sorry. I’ll leave this here, but I hadn’t read as much of the thread as I thought I had

Jesus why is the bar SO low!! Re-read that sentence ‘in case he becomes abusive’ again and again. You should not be thinking / writing / planning for that scenario with any partner you are with

Cancel the wedding, he’s a prick.

Agree

He wants you at home having babies while he continues to do everything he did when single

I can tell you now he won’t lift a finger to help with the crap bits of having children, he will be out at the weekends with friends/hobbies and he won’t want to share “his” money with you either.

Japan is the least of your issues

Sounds like you two really shouldn't be getting married. You're not on the same page with anything it seems, this will end in disaster/divorce

Why on earth would you even contemplate marrying someone who is pressuring you to give up work, insists that if you don’t, you pay for childcare for your joint future child, as it’s ’your Issue’, and generally appears sexist and not particularly invested in you? You also (understandably) don’t appear to like him, far less love him.

Only a loon would be twittering about trips overseas to pick out tablecloths when the issue is with the man you’re planning to marry, not trips to Ibiza or Japan! Or wedding linen!

There’s a simple solution, OP. Don’t marry him. This marriage would be a total disaster, and you need serious therapy to understand why you seem to be sleepwalking into it, and why you think this is all you deserve.

How old are you both?
20s?
Just do not marry him. He wants a slave wife
around the house, he wants to pay for everything, but he would want a dinner/meal and a clean house etc. I could keep my money to myself though. He wants to have the final say in decision making

It sounds like you're knowingly going into a demeaning, unfulfilling, shallow marriage for the sake of landing someone with lots of money. And planning to bring kids into that too.

I don't know what values you were raised with, but they don't seem to be good ones. You owe your future kids more than this.

Ok to leave wedding organising to you? No.
Ok to expect you to be a 50s housewife and give up work so you're financially dependent on him? No.
Ok to travel without you in the first year of marriage? Yes, within reason.

Ok to give up on your potential in life for the sake of being a kept woman attached to a guy you already says has a 'misogynistic tendency'? You decide.

the 1 night Ibiza trip is the kind and caring thing to do for his cousin. it’s great he’s stepping up and doing this.

the wedding should be organised between you both

the Japan trip is fine but obviously likely too expensive 2025 and might be better 2026. Holidaying with friends is fine. You can holiday with your friends too.

I suspect you want different things from a relationship however.

Frankly he wants to still be “one of the lads” but with a servant wife.

You said “Can I ask what you think of the idea if I continue to work, keep/save my money as a back up option incase he does become abusive?”
That is very worrying. Having an emergency fund is one thing. Getting married when you’re very much aware that he might become seriously abusive is madness. He’s already abusive, you know that. Once he has you captured, it’s 100% certain he’ll get worse.

You also said he is misogynistic. You know that and you still want to marry him. He’ll make your life very miserable.

He said at the start what he thought you’d want to hear, to draw you in. It’s a facade. The real him is starting to show. It’s not easy to keep the mask in place.

You talk about keeping separate moneys in case he becomes abusive. He already is and why would you consider marrying someone who you admit is misogynistic and potentially abusive, with recognised double standards and a wish to be in control.
And this is the period when he should still be on his best , or better behaviour. After marriage, the gloves come off because he has you.

If you do marry and then have children, you will be tied to this man forever.

Divorce is difficult enough, disentangling everything, without children. …who will be used to make you give up work and become dependent btw
without having children in the picture, with visitation and him using them as pawns, turning them against you if he can. Divorce is messy, stressful, expensive. Any idiot can get married…it’s getting out of it that’s difficult. It’s not just a piece of paper. It’s a legal state with huge ramifications.