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Original poster

Can anyone see why I lost my temper when he mentioned Japan with his friends when we are getting married next year?

184 replies

sarahozen12 · 21/07/2024 20:46

Background story my partner has been on at me for about a year to plan our wedding. There was a time when he said it feels more like I am concerned about vacations than planning it, but for me it was still fairly soon (under a year) so I wasn't as rushed. That was in early 2024. Now I have started to actually start planning, he has complained about the finances. It's his cousins 21st birthday in September who recently had his brother die, and he has chosen to take him to ibiza for 1 night for his 21st. I think he feels some sort of responsibility for him. I wasn't too happy (finances, run up to wedding in April) but OK. I mentioned going abroad to meet our wedding planner/pick our linens/ etc and it was met with a sigh and a huff i put it down to money, but i thought why has he got enough money to go to ibiza but not to go and meet our planner and check the venue out (in my eyes this should be a priority)
Anyway we are getting married in April, haven't discussed honeymoon yet but we have said Bali. He had his mates over last night and said they were talking about going Japan?! I literally lost my temper, kind of embarrased myself but i just cannot believe i finally am planning this wedding and it seems he is more concerend about vacations with his friends. I do not want a married life with a husband that goes on international trips with his friends straight away, i had this idea of a first year of marriage bliss, honeymoon, we wanted to try for a baby? im just really confused and he says im being crazy, that it was just talked about and "he is allowed to talk about whatever he wants". When i said we have a wedding and honeymoon next year he said that will all be done by May. I did not have a image of getting married and my husband going on a japan trip...

the thing is these friends arent friends without him, so it would involve him going. he said he replied to his friends and said "oh yeah good chance ill be able to go there" but i would rather him just say he didnt want to go because hes about to get married and go on a honeymoon (some accountability and responsibility). now he is backtracking and saying at some point in his life he wants to go and maybe the year after etc. One of the friends is divorced and did not do anything like this when he was married! I just dont feel like a priority and i have tried explaining this.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Mumoftwo1316 · 21/07/2024 21:54

Ah just saw your update about BF wanting you to be his housekeeper. I'd hate that personally but fine if you're happy with it (and you don't say you aren't happy with that, only the holidays)

GinForBreakfast · 21/07/2024 21:57

Run. He is not interested in an equal life partner. Get out while you still can.

Notamum12345577 · 21/07/2024 22:02

Quitelikeit · 21/07/2024 21:50

If you marry for money - you earn every penny!

And who on earth goes to Ibiza for one night?! Do you know it’s £45 a drink there

I’m on a Facebook group when people go on extreme day trips, seen a few go to Ibiza just for one day, and not even overnight!

itsmylife7 · 21/07/2024 22:06

He sounds like he wants you to be a trade wife or whatever its called.

Biscuitburglar · 21/07/2024 22:28

It’s really important in a marriage that you can discuss anything openly and honestly and that you don’t have secrets. The fact that he isn’t able or prepared to do that and that he is putting you under pressure to give up work and to be dependent on him are very worrying. He doesn’t sound like very good husband material and I’m not sure he is going to make you happy? I would try talking through your concerns about married life with him and see if you get any sensible answers. And if not, I would be reconsidering if marriage to this man was really in my best interests.

Noseybookworm · 21/07/2024 22:29

sarahozen12 · 21/07/2024 21:39

I do work. In terms of finances he would love me to give up work but I won’t. He wants to have his own account and one joint account eg he wants to keep his money separated. Which ok I will also keep my money seperate

he wont discuss things with me when I try to talk about getting on the same page, kind of changes the subject or makes it feel irrelevant or makes me sound ridiculous for even wanting to discuss those types of things because “of course he is on the same page as me”

around the house, he wants to pay for everything, but he would want a dinner/meal and a clean house etc. I could keep my money to myself though. He wants to have the final say in decision making

Show quote history

None of that sounds great to be honest - I would think long and hard about what marriage to this man would look like. He wants the final say in decision making? That's not how a partnership works - it's a dictatorship.

Codlingmoths · 21/07/2024 22:31

Don’t marry a man who thinks if he pays you do all the work, you will have a miserable life. Don’t marry a hypocrite who thinks one rule for you and one for him. Plan a holiday, at least a night away, in the next month now. Use the catch up time to plan dumping him. Don’t marry a man who thinks he should have his own bank account but you shouldn’t. Don’t marry this man.

Velvian · 21/07/2024 22:32

Run a mile!

Needmorelego · 21/07/2024 22:37

There was a very similar thread recently but it was a weekend in Las Vegas rather than Ibiza.
(Very similar....21st birthday cousin who had a recently died brother 🤔)
Anyway..... the advice on that thread was DON'T MARRY HIM.
You don't sound like you even like him - so the same advice stands. Don't marry him. End the relationship.

Arconialiving · 21/07/2024 22:41

Epidote · 21/07/2024 21:44

OP, with your first post. No, I don't see why your lost your temper. With your last update I wouldn't marry him if I were you. His conditions are a recipe for disaster in my opinion.

This!

StormingNorman · 21/07/2024 22:53

YABVU about him taking his cousin to Ibiza for his birthday. It is a really kind and thoughtful gift. He’s stepping in for his older brother who died.

I also think YABU about him going to Japan months after the wedding. You aren’t entering some state of marital bliss. It will be a great day but then it’s just the same two people in the same relationship.

Original poster
sarahozen12 · 21/07/2024 23:12

StormingNorman · 21/07/2024 22:53

YABVU about him taking his cousin to Ibiza for his birthday. It is a really kind and thoughtful gift. He’s stepping in for his older brother who died.

I also think YABU about him going to Japan months after the wedding. You aren’t entering some state of marital bliss. It will be a great day but then it’s just the same two people in the same relationship.

thanks but my point is he kind of gets stressed and upset when I said about going to meet the wedding planner etc and got excited about going out there for the weekend to pick linens etc. I felt a right burden and really guilty. We was going to go on a trip in 2 weeks and he was saying he was struggling so I was going to cover the majority of it. Then obviously this

I want to reiterate when I asked him and said but we have our wedding next year and honeymoon his response wasn’t of course it won’t be next year, it was oh well that will be done in may. It’s just like feels unimportant. We haven’t even discussed when our honeymoon would be yet japan could now be before that. Bizarre. All he had to say was it’s not next year, or that of course the wedding is priority when I told him how I was feeing instead he says it wil be paid for and he has money to do this and that blablabla. It’s weird it’s like he doesn’t think I deserve to be reassured?

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 21/07/2024 23:15

DO NOT pay for this trip in two weeks! If he wants to prioritisenit he can pay his share. Can you cancel it? You really really need to book travel on your own or with a friend (& not him) and also dump him.

Blobblobblob · 21/07/2024 23:17

You have way bigger problems than a holiday

Double standards and misogyny. He does not see you as equal.

martha4clark · 21/07/2024 23:21

You don't sound particularly happy. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man, if this is what your relationship is like before you're even married?

StormingNorman · 21/07/2024 23:46

Your problem isn’t really the holiday. You don’t feel important in your relationship. That’s really what you need to address with him because if he can't/won’t meet your emotional needs the marriage is going to be difficult.

I can see now why you fixed on this idea of a year-long honeymoon period. Getting married isn’t going to solve your problems and it’s not going to make you more of a priority. If anything, being tied together will only intensify how you both already feel.

You really need to get these things bottomed out before you get married.

Foxblue · 21/07/2024 23:54

Why on earth would you even consider being in a relationship with someone you yourself describe as having misogynistic tendencies, never mind agree to marry him? Do you not realise how bizarre that is in 2024? Why would you accept that in your partner?

PickAChew · 22/07/2024 00:00

Don't marry him. Do you expect it to magically get better when you're legally tied to each other?

Cantbelieveit101 · 22/07/2024 00:45

There are so many red flags.

He can have time away with him without going to Ibiza.

Why a destination wedding and a different location for a honeymoon.

Why would he want you to give up work.

I can see why you got angry but I think you blew up over the wrong issue.

Opentooffers · 22/07/2024 01:02

Of course he wants you to give up work. You are clearly sleepwalking into a controlling marriage. If he got his way, he'd have full control. But you seem to be OK with him making all the decisions, so this is what he is doing by deciding how he wants to spend his money on Ibiza and Japan, but would rather not be bothered about having to go to see the wedding planner. You probably thought that him badgering you about wedding planning was sweet, but it's probably just to get it done then he can have more controll sooner.
Have you discussed if he will have any input with caring for any planned DC's? Otherwise you can bet you will be the default. Does he do any housework now, or do you outsource it anyway?
He's indicated so far that there are different rules for you than him, that he voices a dislike of you going on holiday without him, but you are expected to be fine with him going, is just the start of the inequality. Under no circumstances give up work, it's clear he sees the money he earns as his and not family money. I'd advise finding a more supportive partner, because he won't be one. However, if you stick with your plans, just check he'd be willing to pay nursery fees so you can work, as he might dig in at that point and insist you pay for it all if you keep working. Hold him to prior agreements, discuss everything prior to marriage and DC's. If he still wants to go on his own holidays, insist on doing the same.

Saintmariesleuth · 22/07/2024 01:03

OP, you and him don't sound like you are on the same page about anything at all. I'm ot sure that you're even reading the same book.

If you are going to have a successful marriage, you need to be able to have calm, open discussions about plans, holidays, finances, children. You should have a clear expectation of how each of you see this marriage working.

I think you are focusing on the wrong problems (the holidays) at the moment- your fiance doesn't seem to respect you as your own person. Dare I ask what he does around the house in terms of chores?

LifeExperience · 22/07/2024 01:09

You don't sound like a good fit and he especially is not mature enough for a successful marriage.

BettyBardMacDonald · 22/07/2024 01:25

Bin this one and start over. Too many red flags to list.

Raise your standards.

fedupwithbeingcold · 22/07/2024 06:13

He sounds controlling and you sound very insecure. I'm not surprised he doesn't want to go abroad to look at table linens. That sounds extremely boring. If you really want to marry this guy, plan a small local wedding and don't get too excited. It doesn't sound like the basis of there for a marriage

Pipecleanerrevival · 22/07/2024 06:22

When you find a fiancé who wants to plan your wedding together, who dreams of your future shared life together, he’s the one. That doesn’t mean you might not each go on holiday with friends or on your own, but your marriage will be a partnership, and you won’t be coerced into doing things you aren’t comfortable with. This one isn’t it.