Can anyone see why I lost my temper when he mentioned Japan with his friends when we are getting married next year?

[sarahozen12]

Background story my partner has been on at me for about a year to plan our wedding. There was a time when he said it feels more like I am concerned about vacations than planning it, but for me it was still fairly soon (under a year) so I wasn't as rushed. That was in early 2024. Now I have started to actually start planning, he has complained about the finances. It's his cousins 21st birthday in September who recently had his brother die, and he has chosen to take him to ibiza for 1 night for his 21st. I think he feels some sort of responsibility for him. I wasn't too happy (finances, run up to wedding in April) but OK. I mentioned going abroad to meet our wedding planner/pick our linens/ etc and it was met with a sigh and a huff i put it down to money, but i thought why has he got enough money to go to ibiza but not to go and meet our planner and check the venue out (in my eyes this should be a priority)
Anyway we are getting married in April, haven't discussed honeymoon yet but we have said Bali. He had his mates over last night and said they were talking about going Japan?! I literally lost my temper, kind of embarrased myself but i just cannot believe i finally am planning this wedding and it seems he is more concerend about vacations with his friends. I do not want a married life with a husband that goes on international trips with his friends straight away, i had this idea of a first year of marriage bliss, honeymoon, we wanted to try for a baby? im just really confused and he says im being crazy, that it was just talked about and "he is allowed to talk about whatever he wants". When i said we have a wedding and honeymoon next year he said that will all be done by May. I did not have a image of getting married and my husband going on a japan trip...

the thing is these friends arent friends without him, so it would involve him going. he said he replied to his friends and said "oh yeah good chance ill be able to go there" but i would rather him just say he didnt want to go because hes about to get married and go on a honeymoon (some accountability and responsibility). now he is backtracking and saying at some point in his life he wants to go and maybe the year after etc. One of the friends is divorced and did not do anything like this when he was married! I just dont feel like a priority and i have tried explaining this.

AIBU?

I think he sees it as, if he is paying for all the house, bills etc, and then i want to continue working, he will have to pay $$$ for childcare too, so he thinks thats one thing i can pay for...

So why don’t you just pay your share of the bills like a grown up?

he doesn't want me too! @Naunet

It doesn't matter how he sees it. The issue is that you could be stuck with small children and no access to money, either because you're not working or all your income goes on childcare so that you can work.
His job will always be 'providing' and yours will be doing everything else to his standards. Think carefully about whether this is the life you want.

OP he's not your dad and you're not a child. He doesn't get to make unilateral decisions. You can divide bills according to the percentage you both earn and that includes childcare costs. You need to stop being a passenger in your own life and start speaking up.

So what? He’s not your boss.

Because he wants you to feel dependant on him

Do not marry this man. You 100% will end up divorced.

If you wise up fast enough, you might get out with your career and finances intact, but more likely you will have two children, a career in tatters, and be in bad shape financially.

OP, I agreed with another poster earlier who said you were sleep walking into an abusive marriage but I've actually rethought that ..because you're not sleep walking into it. You're going in with your eyes wide open. He's been really clear with you about what this marriage is going to look like.

You say you're going to revisit the conversation about his attitude towards you paying for childcare if you choose to continue working.

But you've already said that he expects to have the final say in any decision. You already know he will say whatever he thinks he needs to say to keep you quiet. So why would he listen to you?

Even if he does agree conversationally to contribute towards childcare, you already know what he really thinks about it and that his word in final. What makes you think he would stand by anything he says to the contrary?

And I really would caution against using his family as childcare if you.

You will literally be giving up all of your power, all of your independence, all of your agency and all of your personal control to a man and his family who really don't have your best interests at heart.

This is really quite alarming to read. I think younwill marry him and I think you'll believe it'll be ok and I think that you'll think you'll have more say when you're married. But you won't and you won't have any financial independence to leave when you realise that.

I'm not defending anyone. I'm suggesting that's it's archaic to think neither party should take a holiday with friends in the first year of marriage.

As was the focus of 90% of my response, there are seriously mismatched expectations here.

I've read all the OP's posts and it doesn't sound as if you like each other, or even that you know each other very well.

Finances, attitudes to child rearing and childcare, expectations of each other including split of responsibilities / house work / mental load, all of these things should be discussed in detail and agreed BEFORE you even consider marrying.

Thanks for ur input. Can I ask what you think of the idea if I continue to work, keep/save my money as a back up option incase he does become abusive? If he isn’t asking me to pay for anything, and I want to keep working, surely I can save my money?

How much will you be able to save if you’re paying for all childcare, and potentially, everything else for the child too?

What do I think?

It's always sensible to keep working, to maintain financial independence when you're married just in case, years down the line, things go sour. Or it emerges that the person you married isn't the person you thought they were. Or they become abusive and you didn't see it coming... and just because you're a functioning adult and for your pension etc.

You already know this marriage will he abusive. He has already told you that he expects you to give up work. He is already denying you agency and input into your joint lives. You already know that your ideas don't align with his on any of the important things. And you already know that he doesnt value your input. It is already controlling. It is already unequal.

This isn't a case of if he becomes abusive. He is telling you he will.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you'll just divorce him. It's expensive and stressful. I really, really wouldn't he marrying this man. You marry someone because their values and attitudes are in line with yours and you believe that together you can build a mutually beneficial life and a happy family together.

If you intend to marry him and follow the plan you've outlined here, you're marrying him already planning your escape before the honeymoon has been planned.

YABU

You lost me from the start with your completely lack of feeling towards with 21 year old cousin whose brother recently died.

Is there some sort of cultural obligations in play here OP? You are based in the US, but are you and your partner both British or one of you British and one another nationality? Is there a large age gap between you? What age are you? People are really struggling to understand why you would wish to marry anyone who on the face of it appears to be a financially controlling misogynist. The more you say about him the worse he sounds and instead of taking any of this on board you now seem to be wondering how you can accept all his rules and regulations and protect your salary from him if you marry.

You don't have to marry him, you know...

You’d be bonkers to marry this man, OP! Nobody should enter a marriage with an escape plan already hatched. Can you not see that is totally messed up?

He is not your equal. Do not marry this man, unless you want a life of subservience.

THIS

You should not go ahead with this marriage. You will end up miserable. Do not bear his children, his genes are not work propogating. Run away. You are not obliged to stay on the railroad. It is OK to say no. Social obligation often makes us feel we can't, but we can.

i just cannot believe i finally am planning this wedding and it seems he is more concerend about vacations with his friends. I do not want a married life with a husband that goes on international trips with his friends straight away
...
When i said we have a wedding and honeymoon next year he said that will all be done by May.

This is what you typed as part of your OP.
He was originally concerned that you were giving too much thought to vacations and not planning this wedding.
It looks as if, for him, April has become just one event/trip in his overall look at the year, and that financially it will all need to fall in line with Ibiza, Japan, and whatever else (and that he's still banking on you dealing with everything wedding and honeymoon related, just that you should suck it up that it should now fit with a much more expensive travel forecast, which doesn't bring in the idea of you as a couple with joint financial commitments for much of that time).
You don't want that married life - you have said it yourself. No need to think too much further along the pros or cons of it. If it is meant to be, then another year for a wedding would be possible. If the fact that he gets to holiday in Ibiza, Bali and Japan in a year while making very little input himself to those locations and his home is the biggest attraction of it for him, then, definitely, no.

Why would you choose this option when you can just not marry him?

“AlohaRose · Today 14:42
Is there some sort of cultural obligations in play here OP? You are based in the US, but are you and your partner both British or one of you British and one another nationality? Is there a large age gap between you? What age are you? People are really struggling to understand why you would wish to marry anyone who on the face of it appears to be a financially controlling misogynist. The more you say about him the worse he sounds and instead of taking any of this on board you now seem to be wondering how you can accept all his rules and regulations and protect your salary from him if you marry.”

This. There are so many red flags here. Why are you okay with this?

And btw: his parents have raised an entitled chauvinist who thinks the man should be boss and the woman should do his bidding. Do you really want them helping with your DCs?

anyway, his family would be the childcare so I don't think that would be an issue,

Are his family aware that they'll be childcare?

Everything you've written makes him sound like a controlling arsewipe. You really can do better.

Why are you considering marrying him, you don't seem to like him much. Is it because you want a baby?

I think the important questions are unrelated to Japan and Ibiza and any other trip he may take between now and your wedding.

Do you want to marry a man who believes in a good old traditional marriage?

He works and pays all the bills and you work and keep your money for your purposes or give up work?

You have little /no say on financial matters?

He's paying the bills, and the house and children will be under YOUR portfolio and won't feature on his?

Who will own your home?

Who will make arrangements for your pension and investments for your future post work / children?

Are you happy to have your activities vetoed while you have no say in his?

Someone will be along with other useful questions...

We can't pretend you're sleepwalking into financial/other abuse, as some women actually like this set up. You do, however, need to be aware of and own your choices. This man is not hiding who he is and will be.