Can anyone see why I lost my temper when he mentioned Japan with his friends when we are getting married next year?

[sarahozen12]

Background story my partner has been on at me for about a year to plan our wedding. There was a time when he said it feels more like I am concerned about vacations than planning it, but for me it was still fairly soon (under a year) so I wasn't as rushed. That was in early 2024. Now I have started to actually start planning, he has complained about the finances. It's his cousins 21st birthday in September who recently had his brother die, and he has chosen to take him to ibiza for 1 night for his 21st. I think he feels some sort of responsibility for him. I wasn't too happy (finances, run up to wedding in April) but OK. I mentioned going abroad to meet our wedding planner/pick our linens/ etc and it was met with a sigh and a huff i put it down to money, but i thought why has he got enough money to go to ibiza but not to go and meet our planner and check the venue out (in my eyes this should be a priority)
Anyway we are getting married in April, haven't discussed honeymoon yet but we have said Bali. He had his mates over last night and said they were talking about going Japan?! I literally lost my temper, kind of embarrased myself but i just cannot believe i finally am planning this wedding and it seems he is more concerend about vacations with his friends. I do not want a married life with a husband that goes on international trips with his friends straight away, i had this idea of a first year of marriage bliss, honeymoon, we wanted to try for a baby? im just really confused and he says im being crazy, that it was just talked about and "he is allowed to talk about whatever he wants". When i said we have a wedding and honeymoon next year he said that will all be done by May. I did not have a image of getting married and my husband going on a japan trip...

the thing is these friends arent friends without him, so it would involve him going. he said he replied to his friends and said "oh yeah good chance ill be able to go there" but i would rather him just say he didnt want to go because hes about to get married and go on a honeymoon (some accountability and responsibility). now he is backtracking and saying at some point in his life he wants to go and maybe the year after etc. One of the friends is divorced and did not do anything like this when he was married! I just dont feel like a priority and i have tried explaining this.

AIBU?

YANBU but then maybe neither is he. It just sounds like you both have very different priorities, views on married life, approach to life in general.

I can completely understand wanting your partner to take an interest in the wedding and to be involved in the planning. You seem to want a big destination wedding.

He doesn't sound like he wants the same. If it's just about the wedding then maybe compromise - a wedding closer to home? A smaller budget? But if this is an ongoing theme in your relationship then maybe take a step back...

I wouldn't expect a newly-married man to go on holiday to the other side of the world with his mates and leave his wife at home, no.

I think you have much big problems than you realise. He sounds dreadful.

• Why is it your job to organise the wedding? Why, if he has spent a year moaning that you are not doing it, hasn’t he started? Sounds very misogynistic to me.
• Complaining about money but then planning very expensive holidays- yep he’s an idiot who cares more about his friends than you. It’s not that he is going as such, it’s that he hasn’t considered you and your feelings which given you are supposed to be a team isn’t great.

Having said that, destination weddings are so expensive, I can’t see why anyone wants one. Maybe have a cheap wedding by your home and then go on an expensive holiday? But tbh I wouldn’t have a baby with him, think you’ll be doing 100% of the work while he lies on the sofa doing FA.

Thanks. I agree with your points. He is paying for the wedding (as he wants too) so the agreement was I plan it. So I kind of understand but he has tendencies of misogynistic.
the problem is, with the Ibiza trip, he keeps defending it saying on it’s only 1 night isn’t going to cost much, but it’s the principle he asked me to plan no more vacations and does that. Ok it’s a 21st.. the worst part of all of this is , when I literally asked him about Japan and showed I was annoyed, he didn’t even reassure me and say don’t be stupid I’m not going blablabla, his response is, our stuff will be done by may/april. Like wtf.

when we first met he told me he wanted to travel the world with his wife!

Thanks. The thing is though, at the beginning of our relationship he did want to travel the world with me, visit new places, but now it always seems an issue with money. When I say to him you can’t go Japan because of money stress he says he has money and can do whatever he wants? It’s so confusing. More like that he chooses to do.
He doesn’t like me going on vacations without him really and would be so angry if I done any thing like that to him after the wedding, which makes it even more confusing!

Stunned at these answers, am I missing something. Do you not live together. Why can’t he go on hols after he’s married, I don’t get it. And it’s not the sort of relationship I’d want.

OP do you have money of your own? You say he is paying for the wedding so just wondering if he also expects to pay for your travel.

Firstly he should help with planning the wedding. It's a huge task, it's very stressful and it's unfair to burden you with it.

Second, he's going to find it difficult making the transition from lad life to married life. He seems to see you as a support rather than a partner and is making decisions, like the Japan holiday without discussing it with you first.

Does he intend to keep spending large amounts of cash on lads holidays while you're married and perhaps when you have children? Does he see his life changing in any way once you're married? Because I get the feeling that he doesn't and that doesn't bode well.

Right, well double standards aren't on at all. If I were you I'd want to be fully on the same page before marrying and definitely before kids.

Money seems to be a sore point. Have you tried to budget together or discuss financial priorities? Have you decided whether you will have joint finances once married?

Then just generally does he pull his weight with household chores? Is he a support or a drain? Really sit down and think about things now before you take any more steps towards marrying.

You’re not even married and your whole relationship sounds like a nightmare

This both sound like hard work and not at all compatible.

A marriage/relationship should be far easier.

YABU and sound like Bridezilla.

He is paying for the wedding.

Ibiza isn't relevant at all. If he can afford to go to Japan with his friends as well as the wedding and honeymoon why can't he go? Are you literally saying he will not be allowed to do anything without you ever again after you are married.

Let him know this now if so, in order that he can reconsider whether this is the type of marriage he wants to sign up to.

Is it best you just stop organising a wedding ?
Seems like the differences are already rearing there head .

Op this probably isn’t the advice you want to hear but please do not marry this guy

I assume you are both extremely wealthy given the things your are proposing (flying abroad to look at table linens for example). Given the vast amount of wealth you must have to consider that a good use of your money, I don't suppose it is going to put your finances under undue strain if he takes his cousin away for one night - and as the lad has been recently bereaved it sounds pretty reasonable to me.....

I see why you don't want him going on a Japan trip so soon after your wedding, tho it does depend on how long the trip would be - you both seem happy to fly abroad for very short trips (sorry - I know I sound judgemental - the impact of this on the environment always horrifies me, but I know we all have different values regarding this). Either way, all he did was mention it to his friends I think - he hasn't actually booked the Japan trip or anything like that?

Neither of you sounds overly keen on the other, though of course you could just be venting - do you love him? If not, honestly do not marry him - I promise you you will regret it.

I don't think you're on the same path and you shouldn't get married, I wouldn't want to marry someone who wanted to go on mates holidays all the time, he sounds confused and not ready for marriage.

I do work. In terms of finances he would love me to give up work but I won’t. He wants to have his own account and one joint account eg he wants to keep his money separated. Which ok I will also keep my money seperate

he wont discuss things with me when I try to talk about getting on the same page, kind of changes the subject or makes it feel irrelevant or makes me sound ridiculous for even wanting to discuss those types of things because “of course he is on the same page as me”

around the house, he wants to pay for everything, but he would want a dinner/meal and a clean house etc. I could keep my money to myself though. He wants to have the final say in decision making

Why not?

getting married isn’t some death sentence where you have to give up your life and independence?

a sign of a healthy relationship is having a life outside of each other and being ok with that.

i got married just over a month ago and I’m off on my annual girls holiday in two weeks. Why should that have to end now that I’m married??

OP he sounds awful. He wants to be the head of the household and he infantalises you. Why does he want you to give up work and are you a lot younger than him?

OP, with your first post. No, I don't see why your lost your temper. With your last update I wouldn't marry him if I were you. His conditions are a recipe for disaster in my opinion.

Ooof, I'd go counselling before I planned a wedding with this guy.

You've got vey big problems and a holiday to Japan isn't the biggest one

Ok, so housekeeper, brood mare, second class citizen?

This is not great and I agree, you have way more problems than holidays.

If you marry for money - you earn every penny!

And who on earth goes to Ibiza for one night?! Do you know it’s £45 a drink there

assume you are both extremely wealthy given the things your are proposing (flying abroad to look at table linens for example).

I thought this too, @ilovelurchers !

Op yabu for hassling your bf for taking his grieving cousin to Ibiza for a short trip. Or even going to Japan after he's married. Why not?!

I can't even remember but I think my dh went on a long ski trip with his mates the winter after we got married. I can't remember it properly because it was so not a big deal at all.

He should go on his long trips now before you have kids, not after.

Why are you marrying someone who thinks he lives in the 1950’s? He wants to live his life and have you at home cooking & cleaning like a maid. Vile