Broke up as he was planning to propose, what to do?

[Toolittletoolatehmm]

Long relationship but never lived together (both have kids majority of time, now nearly all adults), always intended to be long term with merging homes sometimes in the future. Recently spurred by several 'life's too short' moments have had several discussions about how I'm unhappy I'm still effectively single, zero plans to formalise anything.

This weekend I wound myself into a ball and blurted out how unhappy I was and didn't see us moving forward and couldn't stay a moment longer in an uncertain unhappy future-less relationship.

Turns out he's spoken to my parents and his about proposing (they confirmed this) and a jeweller, was waiting for the right time over the summer.

Fuck. What now? I really spoiled any sort of surprise but still, having some sort of sparkly trinket does not change the domestic situation, or his apparent reasons for not being prepared to merge things up to now - is it just a 'keep her sweet for another few years' gesture?

Whys he talking to your parents about proposing? Thats just weird. And yeah, it's an excuse. If he was bothered about marriage, it would be done by now.

Yeah bollocks

Go back on it because you wanted to marry anyway and since he will

People that want to marry just get married. He was trying to fob you off and delay any decision making by buying a ring. Booking a date and sending out invitations shows commitment. Not jewellery.

Are you supposed to be a mind reader?

This weekend I wound myself into a ball and blurted out how unhappy I was and didn't see us moving forward and couldn't stay a moment longer in an uncertain unhappy future-less relationship.

So did he immediately get down on one knee and ask you to marry him? Did he apologise for keeping you waiting and knowingly upsetting you which he does know due to numerous conversations previously. Or did he waffle on about how he's spoken to everyone else blah blah?

Sounds like it's too little, too late.

EDIT - just saw your username, apologies I wasn't copying it with my last sentence.

Wait
let him propose
enjoy it for a week
Set the date (H2 24 OR H1 25 no later...)

Why did he talk to your parents? You have nearly-adult children!

See what he does now. He's dithered about for long enough and it's damaged the relationship. Time for him to lay his cards on the table.

If you married would you then move in together?

I’d decline a proposal from anyone stupid enough to discuss it with my parents rather than me. What anachronistic bollocks.

You’re both well into adulthood, you’re parents with responsibilities, marriage should be a calm mutual conversation topic not a cloak and dagger exercise in old fashioned misogyny.

I’d carry on dumping him tbh.

I mean, it is a bit weird asking your parents. But also is it the right time, aren’t you better off waiting a year or so until all children are adults? Blending families at this stage seems more hassle than it’s worth.

Oh how convenient. He's spoken to a jeweller? About what?! Most people just go and buy a ring with their credit card. He's spoken to the parents and jeweller just in case this situation cropped up and so he could truthfully say he had made some sort of effort towards getting married. In reality he would have put it off for as long as possible as if he wanted to get married he would have proposed by now.

I'd stay split up as he's just fobbing you off. If you do get back with him he'll have an excuse not to propose now as he will say he wants to surprise you.

Sometimes men produce a ring as a way to stop the marriage talk. I suspect that's the case here.

A ring is not a wedding, OP. Ask him to set a firm wedding date within the next year. My guess is he won't be willing to do that and then you'll know.

He'd spoken to my parents a month ago - God knows why, my dad didn't give me away the first time I got married! My mum told me they were delighted and so excited as he really is amazing APART FROM the lack of commitment. The absolute opposite of my exh, kids live him, families get on really well etc.

And then I saw red and blew my top, spoiling all his plans.

But yeah, if you want something, you make it happen, right?

We've talked and I'm not giving any responses at the moment. I want to feel wanted, and progression, and to not want to sleep in my own house by myself for an eternity, not having sleepovers and getting dropped off in a taxi at my own house.

Is it, too little, too late? Or just in time?

Respect. Many dads expect the guy to ask their permission first.

I didn’t with my ex. If I was to marry again I would probably check with partner then ask dad. But speaking to dad first is a tradition thing.

Not when their daughter is already divorced with nearly kids. That’s just daft.

I'd be wanting to make sure beyond any doubt that it's what HE wants. Having said that, a few of dh's most happily married friends of 30+ years were given ultimatums.

What are the dynamics with your/his adult kids? It isn't always easy to put it mildly. Does he always have your back?

I know that my ex gf dad would not be impressed with me asking permission. Everyone is different.

it would make no difference anyway. But out of respect I would ask.

Talked to a jewellers? Did he fly to Paris and commission a bespoke ring. Asked your parents? This is all too weird.

No it is a sexism thing - harking back to when women were property.

I would be pretty disgusted if someone though the person to ask about marrying my was my dad rather than well..me.

You didn't answer my question. When you told him how unhappy you were about his lack of commitment, did he immediately propose?

If yes then there's a way forward.
If no, then he's still not committed. Just better at hiding it.

I did say that I would ask gf first and then ask him for permission. Costs me nothing and keeps him happy.

Respect. Many dads expect the guy to ask their permission first.

Stealing respect from the woman to give to a man. Fantastic.

Heyyy, my DH went and spoke to my parents before we got engaged. Obv the word ask is a bit strong. More just courtesy to say hi, I love your daughter and will be asking her to marry me.
I was 21 at the time, though .
Not already living on my own.( Was at uni)

Is he an 18th century duke? If not, why on earth would he have spoken to your parents? And why would he have spoken to your parents and then waited a month and then STILL not done anything until you broke it off. I smell a future faker. He just wants to keep you sweet for another few years. If am man wants to get married, really wants to get married, he doesn’t hang around - he wants to seal the deal as soon as he reasonably can.