Broke up as he was planning to propose, what to do?

[Toolittletoolatehmm]

Long relationship but never lived together (both have kids majority of time, now nearly all adults), always intended to be long term with merging homes sometimes in the future. Recently spurred by several 'life's too short' moments have had several discussions about how I'm unhappy I'm still effectively single, zero plans to formalise anything.

This weekend I wound myself into a ball and blurted out how unhappy I was and didn't see us moving forward and couldn't stay a moment longer in an uncertain unhappy future-less relationship.

Turns out he's spoken to my parents and his about proposing (they confirmed this) and a jeweller, was waiting for the right time over the summer.

Fuck. What now? I really spoiled any sort of surprise but still, having some sort of sparkly trinket does not change the domestic situation, or his apparent reasons for not being prepared to merge things up to now - is it just a 'keep her sweet for another few years' gesture?

As this would seem an obvious solution @Toolittletoolatehmm

How did it go @Toolittletoolatehmm? Hope you're ok

Well, I bottled a big discussion and we spent 2 minutes talking about his plans.

Apparently he was going to propose and present me with a ring, but when pushed about what that actually means re domestic arrangements it's still a 'no charges, yet'.

We're going to talk again to see what plans we can put in place so that when the time comes his place is ready to sell, but I'm very much not being future-faked.

If he's told you, no changes yet, then you're being strung along

I agree.

You swerving 'The Talk' has reassured him that his behaviour is just fine and dandy with you. That him thinking-about-proposing-but-not-actually-proposing is enough of a carrot to keep you on board.

The problem is not resolved, it is bigger than ever.

Sounds a bit like he's taking the credit for saying he was going to propose and present you with a ring...
But no changes and without actually proposing or presenting with a ring.

Hope some proper in depth talking clarifies things, and obviously it's good if you're confident you aren't being future faked. It's a bloody difficult and complicated situation, and I know your relationship (aside from this massive elephant) is a good one.

But yes, while the ring isn't what you're after neither is doing diddly squat, but hopefully that won't be the case!

No changes means he isn't doing a fucking thing and has no plans to. Nothing to see here, folks. You are absolutely being strung along.

Too little, too late, and asking your parents? Fucking hell. It would a big fat NOPE from me.

I'm sorry but he hasn't really stepped up, has he?

Not sure about being 'future-faked' but he's not promising anything really is he?

When a man wants a relationship, they REALLY want one and should walk over hot coals to be with that person.

You don't need to have another discussion. His actions say it all.
If he wanted to get married, he would be steaming ahead and desperate for you to be together.

Why are you wasting your life with this man?
You deserve much better.

That’s exactly what it sounds like to me too.

He has talked (but not to the OP) “about” proposing (but not proposed),

And he has talked to a jeweller (but not with the OP) “about” a ring (but not bought a ring, ordered a ring, designed a ring, paid a deposit)

Big whoop.

Apparently he was going to propose and present me with a ring, but when pushed about what that actually means re domestic arrangements it's still a 'no charges, yet'.

I appreciate it's really hard when you say you love him so much.

But his behaviour is, as everyone's said, very odd. (Talking to your parents etc.)
It's also very controlling and meant to keep you where HE wants you.

Look, adults with their own homes don't have to live in the same house to be 'together'. Many of them live apart but are still together.

Maybe you need to decide if this is about the commitment or the fact the practical downside of not living together.

One halfway step would be to rent out your home and move into his- or the other way round. It's very different living full time with someone to being together but having your own places.

In your posts you come over as intelligent, reflective, witty, reasonable and with your head screwed on.

BUT your behaviour with him comes over as passive. The waiting on the sidelines to be 'chosen' and given a ring.

Sometimes, you have to walk away (and mean it) to get the outcome you want.

At the moment, he's in control.
And it's all about him and his wants.