Broke up as he was planning to propose, what to do?

[Toolittletoolatehmm]

Long relationship but never lived together (both have kids majority of time, now nearly all adults), always intended to be long term with merging homes sometimes in the future. Recently spurred by several 'life's too short' moments have had several discussions about how I'm unhappy I'm still effectively single, zero plans to formalise anything.

This weekend I wound myself into a ball and blurted out how unhappy I was and didn't see us moving forward and couldn't stay a moment longer in an uncertain unhappy future-less relationship.

Turns out he's spoken to my parents and his about proposing (they confirmed this) and a jeweller, was waiting for the right time over the summer.

Fuck. What now? I really spoiled any sort of surprise but still, having some sort of sparkly trinket does not change the domestic situation, or his apparent reasons for not being prepared to merge things up to now - is it just a 'keep her sweet for another few years' gesture?

Yes. I suspect none of this happened.

It sounds to me like seperate households has been a good decision, albeit one with some frustrations and sacrifice, for the past few years.
You've been able to focus on what your own childern and families need and navigate that without the complexity of trying to incorporate a seperate unrelated adult into the household.

A sensible mature decision.

It seems like now is the time when your 'future plans' can start to be put into action. Start the coverstaions about where are we going live, how will the kids be involved, what travelling can we start doing now etc?

I think you are just ready to do this and he's feeling that, but going with marriage proposal as a big gesture, instead of just chatting to make the plan.

Tell him: I don't want a proposal I want a serious chat and a plan on a timeline and action. Can we do that instead please? Give him 2 months see if he's really up for getting things moving.

It's time. It wasn't before.

OP, I did similar with my BF. 🙈 We had been dating for 4 years and living together for 6 months. He knew I wanted to get married and I felt like he was being scared. I completely blew up at him at around Christmastime and he confessed that he was planning on doing it in my favourite European city. I completely wrecked the surprise. Anyway…one Friday the following spring, I came home from work, passports and suitcases were on the bed, and BF told me I had an hour to get my suitcase packed, as we were headed to the airport for a weekend away. We got engaged in my favourite city, then married a year later. That was nearly 20 years ago.

It does seem very odd that he's spoken to parents, before speaking to you. Or even spoken to them at all about this unless he's started to read Jane Austen novels!
Have a conversation about how you both see the future, what plans you can make, and maybe tell him regressive social conventions don't do it for you!

Sounds like you and me are different people (as we have opposing views on the importance of marriage) but I’ll share my view anyway.

You said you were unhappy in the relationship. So fundamentally other aspects of the relationship make you unhappy. How would getting back together and getting married change anything for the better for you, other than you being tied into a relationship that you’re already unhappy in before marriage?

He wants to marry you now, but what he wants and has planned shouldn’t change your view on a relationship that you wanted to leave.

I think living separately for a while was a good plan and makes you both really good parents.

But I can see why you’re getting frustrated over the situation.

To me, a ring means absolutely nothing and 15yos propose to each other all of the time or some people who’ve only known the person for a week or 2.
Its just talk/a gesture but has no actual meaning behind it.

There’s no point in being married if you’re not living together.

I would tell him that you want to move in together permanently before making plans to get engaged/marry.

It doesn’t need to happen within the next couple of weeks but there does need to be a plan of hen it’s going to happen and how you’re going to get there.

What are the sleeping arrangements like now?
I think EOW needs to be spent at each others homes and then have a plan on when and his to increase this.

Why is he asking an adult divorcee with nearly adult children parents permission to marry - especially as your parent know you are too stubborn to care if they give it or not?

Why is he talking to a jewellers rather than just buying a ring?

Why when you try and have a conversation about the future for both of you are you left feeling like you've done something wrong?

I think you need to decide what's best for you and what you want - and then insist you have a conversation like adults with him if you do want to stay.

I'm not sure getting married is actually a good idea for either of you ... It is a financial/legal contract..and you don't want your dc worse off

It sounds like it's the long term commitment and living together although if he already doesn't do stuff he says he's going to I'm not sure that would be any better living together just a recipe for resentment...

Rather than have a specific talk with maybe clarify to yourself what it is you want.... What your minimum vision and timescales so...for your happiness
Eg
Living together, where, by when

There maybe different ways to approach it short/mid/longer term

If its having clean clothes at his .. then get a wardrobe and fill it with clothes... Just go to work from there etc
Or
Try house swapping a week at his a week at yours ....

Sell it to the parents & get them to think it's a done deal so they put pressure on their daughter if she looks like backing out.
He's being strategic, getting ahead of events & controlling the narrative in his favour.

My new DH (53) did the courtesy of letting my Dad know that he wanted to marry me. I think it was less about me, rather more about the men's relationship with each other. My dad loved it and was delighted. Yes, it is a patriachal ritual but it was also a sign of respect that my dad is an important figure in my life and is seen. My DH was joining our family.

I walked down the aisle alone and didn't change my surname. Loads of people gave speeches.Everyone is still happy.

“not having sleepovers and getting dropped off in a taxi at my own house.”

I can’t get beyond this, OP - this is what people do when they barely know each other! You’re in a long-term relationship, involved with each other’s families and all your children are virtually adults, but he doesn’t let you spend the night at his house or stay overnight at yours? Don’t you even have a toothbrush there?! I find this mind-boggling. No wonder you’re upset. I’m all for maintaining a bit of personal space, but he sounds very leery of anything that feels a bit too settled or permanent.

Do you actually want to marry him, or is it more about having a shared space and future? It might be less complicated to keep your assets and finances separate and just buy a property you own together, 50/50. But good luck getting him to commit to even that, because from everything you’ve said he seems to be pedalling like stink to try and keep you sweet but swerve the whole issue.

For what it’s worth I am not married but I have always told my dad if I did decide to marry there would be no “giving away” as I am not a parcel.

Turns out he's spoken to my parents and his about proposing (they confirmed this) and a jeweller, was waiting for the right time over the summer.

So when was he planning to break the happy news to you?

I agree with PPs it's very patronising doing it that way round, like you're the little woman waiting patiently to be asked.

He's waiting for the right time over the Summer? What does that even mean?

I just want a partnership where one of us cooks tea while the other cuts the grass, or we make one bed in the morning instead of two, and we can unload about our days without it impeding on 'date night' - I don't want to pack a bag every time there's a potential overnight. (And it's not about sex, just nodding off on the sofa and heading up without worrying about it I've got clean pants tomorrow)

I think you should say this to him

is it just a 'keep her sweet for another few years' gesture?
Sounds like it.
is he always this arrogant and chauvinistic? He must think he's really someone, but he doesn't sound like he's anyone special.

Why is he arrogant and chauvinistic? He's the opposite of that, he's washing his own pants for a start.

From reading your other posts, he just sounds like someone who's chilled out and doesn't get around to things super fast.

You on the other hand seem to be super clingy and throwing all your toys out of the pram.

You need to calm down and just get some concrete plans for moving in together. If he won't make whatever relevant plans around that (being okay with getting a house valuation, looking at other places, whatever it looks like for you), then you know what the decision is.

With this type of guy you'll likely have to find some places/make some bookings yourself instead of waiting around for him to do it.

And also it's pretty disrespectful to your relationship to say you're "effectively single" just because you don't live together and aren't married. Assuming you don't actually sleep around with other people.

The grass is always greener - it will drive you mad in six months when you're tired of his bad habits and wish you had more of your own space.

People seem to make their lives so difficult, this
is one example.
😊

Not weird at all -traditional to ask the father for his daughters hand in marriage. Many people love traditions. It’s nothing to do with the father saying no or daughter being his property blah blah insert load of bollocks wokeness.

it’s nice, it’s symbolic of joining families - we need more traditions not less

I find it odd that he spoke to your parents like this

How exactly did it happen?

Did he visit them on his own?

Like a planned visit?

OR was it a 'by the way' conversation where he was assuring them he was going to make an honest woman out of you perhaps because they'd said something about it 'going nowhere'?

I think you need to fill us in a bit on the actual process.

Also, the ring. Surely you'd want to choose your own ring not accept something he'd chosen? Why would he 'speak' to a jeweller? What does that actually mean?

The way you describe this makes you sound very passive as if he's making decisions about your life without talking to you.

I think the OP feels effectively single because nothing is moving on.

Where is the ring? Talked to a jewellers? What is he buying? And more to the point you don't need an engagement ring to get married. This all smacks of him buying more time with a ring rather than set a date to marry or move in together.

Have you missed the fact they are older- in their 40s - and both divorced?

and with adult children?

It's preposterous that her parents find out before he's asked the OP!

It's just very odd in 2024, isn't it?! Unless he's shown form for very conservative religious or social views, asking paternal permission just sounds like a strange approach, and clearly demonstrates that he doesn't really understand you (or what century he's in 😂).

Lots of people still do the traditional thing of talking to the parents before proposing.