Broke up as he was planning to propose, what to do?

[Toolittletoolatehmm]

Long relationship but never lived together (both have kids majority of time, now nearly all adults), always intended to be long term with merging homes sometimes in the future. Recently spurred by several 'life's too short' moments have had several discussions about how I'm unhappy I'm still effectively single, zero plans to formalise anything.

This weekend I wound myself into a ball and blurted out how unhappy I was and didn't see us moving forward and couldn't stay a moment longer in an uncertain unhappy future-less relationship.

Turns out he's spoken to my parents and his about proposing (they confirmed this) and a jeweller, was waiting for the right time over the summer.

Fuck. What now? I really spoiled any sort of surprise but still, having some sort of sparkly trinket does not change the domestic situation, or his apparent reasons for not being prepared to merge things up to now - is it just a 'keep her sweet for another few years' gesture?

Ratners ! That was rather foolish of the chairman....I doubt it !🤔🥪

I haven't posted but I do think it's ridiculously old-fashioned! And no, my father didn't give me away (no one did, we walked into the room together). I gave a speech (as did my husband, my dad, my FiL and anyone else who fancied a go, probs my witness/ MoH but I can't remember). I haven't changed my name, even though it would be so much easier as mine is foreign and needs spelling out all the time, whereas DH's is a not uncommon English one.

Do you keep clothes etc at his house, @Toolittletoolatehmm ? Do you have keys to each other’s house?

Is Ratners still going? Asking for a friend...

No Gerald Ratner trashed his own company by saying at a Shareholder meeting that he didn't know how the public thought his products were worth buying, He continued to dig himself into an even deeper hole by saying his jewellery was crap and said a Marks and Spencer sandwich was worth more (or lasted longer, I can't remember which) than a silver-plated tray that was sold in his store.

if he buys you some cheapo ring from F Hinds (the equivalent to Ratner) instead of Tiffany after all his "performance proposing", tell him to take a running jump.

"Is Ratners still going? Asking for a friend..."

Nah - Replaced by a prawn sandwich ... the sandwich lasted longer but not as long as the Liz Truss lettuce

Sounds exactly like us @TurtleMoon - and we married in the 1990s, our parents were born in the 1930s....

I don't see how a proposal changes day to day life once that novelty has worn off? You should probably stick to your original decision as you obviously made it for good reasons

If you're writing to MN about your partner being a dick, then, believe me, honey, HE'S A DICK.

You are right to break up with him. He won't improve.

Well the relationship is not working now so how on earth would a marriage work

It's like having a baby to fix something then being surprised, it doesn't work

Wow, clearly in the minority but I don't see it as him future faking @Toolittletoolatehmm - ultimately didn't you both decide to not blend your kids homes? It's fine that you've changed your mind and fine that this set up is no longer working for you, but it sounds as if he is keeping to the plan of moving in together and moving forward with shared lives once the kids are older. Again, fine if you don't want to get married, but that's a huge thing he was planning and surely a very clear indicator that he's fully committed.

Other than separate houses, do you feel like you're in a partnership? Is it a 'living apart together/LAT' situation? It's still ok (of course!) if it's not what you want - it's bloody hard running x2 homes, bills, kid stuff, practical stuff, other social stuff AROUND a relationship, but there are merits to it too, so long as the thinking behind it is genuine, and there's an end in sight.

I'm only 3 years into my 'LAT' style relationship, so I don't realistically know if we'll last 10 years living this way, as much as the relationship is brilliant, as you're right it can be hard and lonely. Although I do enjoy going into full goblin mode without him at times, and so rarely having to compromise... Our kids are younger, and it wouldn't be practical for them to share a home - same city but 30 minutes apart so either long daily commute and living away from friends, or moving school/losing friends.

I read so much on Mumsnet about the difficulties of blending families and how it's never the right thing for the kids, yet your OH (and you) are doing this and he's getting slammed every which way. What I picked up from your posts, though, is that he's lovely, fun, cares about your kids - and that you've been really happy together?

Obviously if he's been treating you like a casual girlfriend for several years that's different. But if you both agreed this, and if you holiday together and show each other commitment in other ways I think that's different.

Your post about one bed to make, someone to decompress with on an evening, taking it in turns making dinner etc. really struck a chord though. You're not in any way wrong to have had enough of living apart. I just urge you not to get pulled along by the MN army who mostly can't empathise with your situation, and are largely taking issue with his possibly clumsy but sweet chat with your parents about proposing.

Hope you can have a proper think, talk with friends, talk with him etc. and work out what's best for you. Good luck

We did decide not to blend our kid's homes, yes, but always with a long term plan for moving in together at some point. Every time I've pressed for some progress (both houses need some work, as each kid has begun to move out/onwards and yes, after some really challenging events where I certainly could have used a more present shoulder to lean on) it's been batted away until some further milestone has been reached.

He has know what I want for some time, I've brought it up several times. The living apart together has been good for the majority of our relationship (lol at the goblin description, I love being able to slob about in absolute privacy for example) but I'm not going to be 'convenient' indefinitely. It really isn't about marriage or a proposal - if I was to say yes, and have the perfect ring presented/designed, there is still zero movement on his part for even a discussion on moving things forward.

I'm seeing him tonight and he knows there is going to be a discussion. I think he is going to be shocked that a proposal is not what I wanted from him (to be fair, after this week, so am I) as, in itself, it doesn't resolve any of the future progress issues.

My entire marriage was shorter than the time we've been together, including the time it took to get divorced. It shouldn't be this hard to just formalise a plan to move in together!

He's a bit of a ditherer. Do you love him? @Toolittletoolatehmm

Love it! We got married 8 years ago. My parents got married in the 1980s and told no one, not even their parents (born in WW1 and the 1930s). No fuss, no nothing - and mum kept her name too. I was perfectly happy to do this too, but DH wanted a wedding, so we compromised and kept it small, with hardly any of the traditions, apart from the white dress (which I wasn't sure about initially) and the "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue". It was a fantastic day!!! Parents are coming up to their 40th anniversary, so it clearly worked for them :)

Do you want to marry him?

Will that make you happy?

Does he want to marry you?

Will that make him happy?

If the answer is YES to all 4 questions, then think about this ..

Is there anything else in your life or his that isn't working and could have an impact on your future happiness? Is there always going to be 'something' that makes you unhappy, discontented, not at peace, or is being married (to him) the only thing that matters, for both of you?

It really isn't about marriage or a proposal - if I was to say yes, and have the perfect ring presented/designed, there is still zero movement on his part for even a discussion on moving things forward.

So he was planning to propose, potentially even get married but STILL not live together? Ok that's weird, and infuriating for you I would imagine! I'll also say this is a nudge to future me too, as I still carry baggage from a shit marriage, so my bar is low - and just because they're nice doesn't mean it's a free pass for losing what you want or need; especially when the goal posts are being moved/ignored.

You're right it shouldn't be that hard to formalise a plan and stick to it - and it sounds like there are no geographical/school etc. barriers to you moving in together - especially now you've waited and all's alright from your DCs POV.

It's interesting hearing your thoughts as though not living together is the right thing for us at the moment, I did recently find myself stepping back a little, as it's easy to give so much to a relationship, yet if there isn't the scaffolding in place of sharing lives, and the practical & emotional benefits that brings, it can really leave you wrung out because it's another big plate to spin. Which you've probably been experiencing for years by the sound of it.

Do you keep clothes etc at each other’s houses?

Yeah, a few bits. Not enough to be able to just drop where we are and be sure that what we have is going to be suitable for the next day though - I certainly don't have enough clothes or shoes for 2 wardrobes. And there's a continuous worry of which clothes are where, can't go out for an impromptu meal, or a country walk if the necessary outfit isn't at the right place. Perhaps it's harder because we live relatively close by, if it was an hour between houses we might have both got frustrated sooner.

@SashTea It's interesting hearing your thoughts as though not living together is the right thing for us at the moment, I did recently find myself stepping back a little, as it's easy to give so much to a relationship, yet if there isn't the scaffolding in place of sharing lives, and the practical & emotional benefits that brings, it can really leave you wrung out because it's another big plate to spin. Which you've probably been experiencing for years by the sound of it.

The plate spinning is definitely a thing, especially as over the years there have been times when I've really needed that human contact - instead of having to carry on doing it all when it would have been good to have had tea sorted so I could roll up an a ball and turn off my brain. And likewise, where he's had stuff going on and I've wanted to support but felt pushed away somehow.

That stepping back has been unconsciously happening I think for me - and why I've previously mentioned feeling single - what's the point of being in a relationship when you feel on your own for most of the time?

I understand OP's point. Even with children, it's easy to come up with a specific plan!
'When youngest child is 18', 'when children leave home' etc (although the latter is equally vague as so many kids leaving later to save money).
'Sometime in the future' is extremely vague.
And he hasn't clarified his concerns about moving in.

Ah @Toolittletoolatehmm I can definitely relate to this:

The plate spinning is definitely a thing, especially as over the years there have been times when I've really needed that human contact - instead of having to carry on doing it all when it would have been good to have had tea sorted so I could roll up an a ball and turn off my brain. And likewise, where he's had stuff going on and I've wanted to support but felt pushed away somehow.

Juggling that for years and years with no end in sight - you must be exhausted. I think some people struggle with taking that leap into life-sharing the second time, not that it's an excuse. I know my boyfriend is terrified of things going wrong because they did so very catastrophically with his ex, and she wasn't who he thought she was (she's at the very least a semi-narc). But in the end, that doesn't matter because it can't be just about what he needs, and even though he was burnt by his marriage, he needs to get over it now or let you go.

It can definitely be lonely NOT being single, but without the full support of your OH. I hope he's clear tonight about what he wants, and what's he going to do about it - definitively, action wise not with words. Whatever happens and whatever you decide, I'm glad you've clearly communicated that you're not happy and that you need, deserve and expect answers.

As an aside, this thread has really made me stop and think about the longevity of my relationship, and how realistic or appealing living apart for so long is. Things were ticking along nicely until this morning I've got him a giant Toblerone for our anniversary... should I... just eat it myself?

@SashTea I hope he's clear tonight about what he wants, and what's he going to do about it - definitively, action wise not with words.

Tonight is going to be about what I want, and if he's able to align with that in a meaningful and timely way. Sparkly ring or not, I'm not going to be hanging around for another 5 or 10 years whilst he makes up his mind whether he's in or out. That's the Crux of it really - I'm good enough as a girlfriend for the time being, but not good enough to move in together or marry?

...unless he spoke to our jeweller friend months ago and presents me with a big sparkly ring AND a toblerone, then my brain might not work...

The power of a giant Tob.

Glad you'll be holding court tonight, hope you get some answers. Update us all when you can

I can't believe that in 2024, there are grown women who would split up with their partner because their father didn't approve. Scary.

Why don’t you just leave stuff at his house then?

They may be religious fundamentalists. There's no other explanation!