Broke up as he was planning to propose, what to do?

[Toolittletoolatehmm]

Long relationship but never lived together (both have kids majority of time, now nearly all adults), always intended to be long term with merging homes sometimes in the future. Recently spurred by several 'life's too short' moments have had several discussions about how I'm unhappy I'm still effectively single, zero plans to formalise anything.

This weekend I wound myself into a ball and blurted out how unhappy I was and didn't see us moving forward and couldn't stay a moment longer in an uncertain unhappy future-less relationship.

Turns out he's spoken to my parents and his about proposing (they confirmed this) and a jeweller, was waiting for the right time over the summer.

Fuck. What now? I really spoiled any sort of surprise but still, having some sort of sparkly trinket does not change the domestic situation, or his apparent reasons for not being prepared to merge things up to now - is it just a 'keep her sweet for another few years' gesture?

This!

You're both parents to adult children and he's fannying around asking your parents?! WTAF

So the woman's totally powerless in this, and has to quietly sit until the man decides to ask?
All these posters saying 'how dare he ask your dad' so old fashioned yet not just say 'why not ask him?'

He spoke to your parents before you, yeah that means he meant it. And some jeweller and was waiting for the right time. Sure. And now you’re all oh no I ruined it he was gonna marry me??

can you not see how dysfunctional this is?

My toes curled.

Just another thought - what if you proposed to him? Waiting for him doesn’t seem like it’s working. I proposed to my now hubby as I knew his personality just doesn’t get on with organising stuff like that. And I wanted to be married before kids. Then if you find you don’t want to propose to him, maybe that’s telling you something about your original decision of splitting up. Also, do you have to marry to progress the relationship? You could just move in together or get a house together? In many ways this is logistically even more committing than marriage. Just some ponderings, hope it helps! No need to rush any decisions. ❤️

Also speaking from experience! I left my previous longterm relationship as he didn't want to commit, HATED talking about marriage, or marriage plans, but he 'let' me get a ring in the end. I was naive and this settled me for around a year until I realised it meant nothing, and he was refusing to set a date and avoiding talks about it. I split up with him much to his 'surprise' and 'shock'. He did a 180 and tried everything to get me back but it was too little, too late. I'm now happily married with a baby on the way, and he's a sad and lonely man child playing video games by himself.😅

I'm confused @Toolittletoolatehmm

So you've dumped him then found out he was going to propose.

Have I got that right?

Hmmm in non-western cultures? My dad was born in 1934 and even he would not have expected that. Sounds very Pride and Prejudice for 2024? The couple decide to get engaged and married and then inform their parents of the happy news? Surely that´s the normal nowadays.

I would laugh about asking your Dad, but it's a nice thought, he may have been sounding your parents out in case he was going to make an ass of himself by asking (they might have said she doesn't want to get married again). Since it looked like it would be OK from their perspective he was going ahead and wanted to make a big romantic gesture, which is now rather blown. But you wanted to marry him and he wants to marry you, if that's still what you both want get the ring and get married.

I would dump a man who asked my father's permission first.

I dont´see the OP´s partner has any intention of getting married? He is just about to order a ring? Probably to remain engaged for another 15 years. He needs to set the date, the proof is in the pudding.

I can only repeat what the others have said.

It's just plain weird asking your parents or telling them when you are each what...late 40s or even 50s.

Never heard the like, ever.

How long have you been with him?
Why do you never stay the night or vice versa?

You will know in your heart if he's a keeper.

I don't know why you've held out so long if he was a reluctant groom..
You could get married next week, with a small wedding and a couple of witnesses.

For me, his behaviour is so odd I'd not want to be with him.

Do you really want to be with him or is it the idea of being settled with someone that's the attraction?

Floydpink
I know that my ex gf dad would not be impressed with me asking permission. Everyone is different.

it would make no difference anyway. But out of respect I would ask.

I always told dh I’d love for my dad to be asked. When I rang my dad to tell him we were engaged I remember my dad saying’oh, he didn’t approach me’ jokingly, and I remember feeling such a pang. I know a lot of people would hate it but it is something I sometimes think about when people talk engagements/ marriages etc (ridiculous as we’re married 17 years!!)

I mean generally, in modern relationships there's a discussion of marriage before the proposal.

I'm assuming she's taken the initiative and spoken to him asking if he'd like to get married and when? How would it work with their blended families and living siutations etc. Especially if she knows he's commitment phobic and wouldn't bring it up himself.

He's the one putting it off, and avoiding any definitive answer. Why would she propose when he can't even have a normal definitive conversation about it?

A proposal is a romantic gesture, it shouldn't be a complete surprise like this (especially when you're older with houses/older dc to think about), it smells like bullshit from him.

It's not about a proposal or marriage. He knows I want to progress to moving in together - I've brought it up many times, always (and sometimes rightly so) there have been reasons. Or actually excuses.

I've run out of 'good enough' reasons now. Like you say, if you want it make it happen - my blow up was because despite my bringing it up several times, it's not happened. Never looked likely to happen.

It's not long distance, never been about dragging one set of kids to a new area and uprooting them. Lots of things would have been easier over the years if we were under the same roof but the separate households have worked on a practical level, if not emotional. Now the kids are older and not tied to home it's time to make these sort of decisions - do I downsize or do we move in together.

It's been left as a 'we still need to talk' and I know I need to get an actual answer and timeframe for how that's going to look if we do carry on, with or without a fancy ring. I'm not going to be future faked any more.

My late husband offended his daughter’s partner: “What are you asking me for? You’ve been living together for 16 yrs! You already have a bairn!”

You need to be sure you want HIM forever and aren't pushing for marriage as some kind of closure when the relationship is passed its best.

Is it a habit and you're both too scared to walk away?

I think you’d be mad to move in together now just as your kids are nearly flown. I see his point in being reluctant to do so.

it would be a lot easier to keep some others and toiletries at his and wait until it’s just the two of you to consider. Unless he’s not keen for you to leave stuff at his?

it would make no difference anyway. But out of respect I would ask.

I'd feel extremely disrespected if someone asked my father for me like I was a bit of property. But that's just women's feelings I suppose, the important thing is how all the men feel about it 🙄

I don't see you actually saying you love him.

You are saying you want stability and an end to living in 2 houses but nothing comes over about how you love him, adore him, want a life together....just your yearning for domesticity and how being in one house would make that easier.

He doesn't sound a good catch anyway from what you say.
I don't like dithery men though.

Aren't you worth more than this?

The proposal sounds like a bit of a red herring, if you’ve been clear what you want is to move in together. Of course, it’s fair enough if he doesn’t, and there may be good reasons for that given you both have kids, but you’re quite right to decide you’re done with hanging around waiting for him to be ready and you should stick to your guns. A ring means very little in terms of actual progression towards what you want for your life.

How old are the kids and are they still living at home?

The " we still need to talk" is your answer. He isn't going to step up, if he was he would have by now, I'm afraid. He is trying to give you the minimum so that you can keep the status quo.

And then I saw red and blew my top, spoiling all his plans.

You didn't spoil his plans! He vaguely thought about proposing as a way to avoid addressing your legitimate concerns about his level of commitment. He knew you were upset and impatient and he's faffed around for a month nonetheless.

I think he sees you as a convenience.

He doesn't seem worried about losing you.

I'd end it because you want more and deserve more than this ditherer is giving.

He'd spoken to her parents before she blew her top.