Broke up as he was planning to propose, what to do?

[Toolittletoolatehmm]

Long relationship but never lived together (both have kids majority of time, now nearly all adults), always intended to be long term with merging homes sometimes in the future. Recently spurred by several 'life's too short' moments have had several discussions about how I'm unhappy I'm still effectively single, zero plans to formalise anything.

This weekend I wound myself into a ball and blurted out how unhappy I was and didn't see us moving forward and couldn't stay a moment longer in an uncertain unhappy future-less relationship.

Turns out he's spoken to my parents and his about proposing (they confirmed this) and a jeweller, was waiting for the right time over the summer.

Fuck. What now? I really spoiled any sort of surprise but still, having some sort of sparkly trinket does not change the domestic situation, or his apparent reasons for not being prepared to merge things up to now - is it just a 'keep her sweet for another few years' gesture?

My husband spoke to my dad for permission. My son asked his future fil as well. We're a bit old fashioned in Wales perhaps

My ex wife was a bit miffed I didn’t and an ex gf said she would want me to ask.

It sounds like you're going to do what I'd have suggested: Have a serious once-and-for-all discussion. Does he want to progress the relationship to the living-together phase or not? And not at some point in the future; it has to begin now. If he's not prepared to take the first concrete steps, you're not interested. Or maybe you need to sense more than just a grudging 'yes', but rather enthusiasm about making the move to merge your lives.

If he satisfies you on that point, I wouldn't throw it away. Even if his speaking to your parents and a jeweller aren't the ideal 'next steps' you'd envisaged, it might not have been a stalling technique but just an old-fashioned approach to making the relationship official.

So much of the wedding stuff is. Why does the dad and not the mum make a speech. Why does dad walk down aisle. Why do most women take husbands name.

Exactly - a month ago!! So what was he waiting for? He knew she wanted to make a commitment - why not do it if it was what he wanted?

I'm from a culture where it's typical for men to ask the woman's father 'permission' before proposing. That doesn't mean the woman might not already have an inkling of what's happening behind the scenes, and it obviously doesn't mean the father can refuse the marriage or answer for his daughter. It's just traditional.

My husband is from a different culture where this is not the norm, so he didn't speak to my father beforehand. Of course my father was furious and refused to attend the wedding—or no, he never mentioned it one way or the other, welcomed my husband into the family, and was happy his daughter had found someone to spend her life with.

Really, speaking to the parents beforehand (or not) isn't that big of a deal, imo! Certainly not worth getting hung up on.

Gently, I don’t know why you would see red and blow your top? That sounds OTT to me.

Do you and he even want to get married? You already have your separate families, grown children and homes, what is the point of marrying?

Or do you want to live together as a shared household?

Or is he not someone you want to be with anymore?

It is when they are in their 40s and both divorced. And usually the man would ask his 'wife to be' first then check with her father if they were doing that at all.

Maybe the 5 carat diamond ring was still being made :)

It’s not 1950 any more.
A woman does not belong to anyone.

Those saying how archaic asking the Dad is, I’d be interested to know how many of you kept your own surname on marriage.

Tbf, my brother did speak to a jewelers when decided to propose to my now SIL. She didn't want a diamond, and he got something bespoke made.

@WookieDog Not only did I keep my name, my husband took it as well.

of course I did

I presume all the posters objecting to someone following a (dated) tradition of asking their father first also did not have their father give them away? Made a speech at their wedding? And also have not changed their name?

Well I kept mine too, and my father didnt ‘give me away’ by walking me down the aisle, but I imagine a lot on their high horse didnt!!

I want to feel wanted, and progression, and to not want to sleep in my own house by myself for an eternity

Just wanted to send 💐 at this statement, OP - at a VERY similar point in my own relationship, and it really hurts. Hope you get a conclusion you’re happy with, now and in the future x

I wouldn't even consider getting married until you have lived together. You could be married and living together and still not feel like a unit. I would have a think about what you want and then have a good talk with him. Moving in together and discussing the technicalities of finances, workload and home life would be my priority. It could make your relationship stronger and better - with getting married being the cherry on the cake after a year or two. Beats, realising it was a giant mistake and having to save for a divorce while still paying off the wedding.

Hate to say it OP, he sounds quite sensible to me. I'd wait until all the children were old enough to move out, before I got married or moved in together. Why wouldn't you? That's surely what's best for the children? Then when they're moved out / old enough to move out if they don't want to live in a blended house, you'll have all the time to focus on wedding planning etc. Also if you moved in together now, you'd presumably need loads of bedrooms for all your teens, then have to move again a few years later?

I'd be the first to say "he's just not that into you" if this was your first time around and he kept you hanging for years. But it's hardly the same in your circumstances.

"Turns out he's spoken to my parents and his about proposing (they confirmed this) and a jeweller, was waiting for the right time over the summer."

WTF?

I suspect "the right time" wouldn't have happened over the summer. Or autumn. Nor winter.

You are both old enough to have previous marriages, adult children - and he went and talked to a jeweller? (and to your parents - WTF did he have to say to them?) Jesus wept. Has he got some sort of arrested development? It sounds like what a 17 year old would think appropriate.

The question is, do you want him? Or have you gone off him?

Nothing else matters now. Just have "the talk" and either get on or get out, depending on how you both feel (and if procrastination is his style, decide whether you can live with that or not, as it's not an attractive trait!)

how old are you both? Why aren’t you living together?

I did not approve of my DD's boyfriend asking for her hand in marriage. Everyone else did though, because it's ROMANTIC. Mid/late thirties btw.

He married someone else, she now has a much more sensible partner.

I agree.

If you would have married him before this incident, I’d still marry him. It sounds to me as if he was actually working his way up to proposing.

Has the issue been causing conflict over say the last year. Did he sense you were coming to the end of the road and wouldn't accept no commitment going forward?
If its a yes then its a 'shut up' ring, designed to keep you on the hook a bit longer.