Broke up as he was planning to propose, what to do?

[Toolittletoolatehmm]

Long relationship but never lived together (both have kids majority of time, now nearly all adults), always intended to be long term with merging homes sometimes in the future. Recently spurred by several 'life's too short' moments have had several discussions about how I'm unhappy I'm still effectively single, zero plans to formalise anything.

This weekend I wound myself into a ball and blurted out how unhappy I was and didn't see us moving forward and couldn't stay a moment longer in an uncertain unhappy future-less relationship.

Turns out he's spoken to my parents and his about proposing (they confirmed this) and a jeweller, was waiting for the right time over the summer.

Fuck. What now? I really spoiled any sort of surprise but still, having some sort of sparkly trinket does not change the domestic situation, or his apparent reasons for not being prepared to merge things up to now - is it just a 'keep her sweet for another few years' gesture?

Well you need to know what a marriage proposal looks like. Is it just something to stall for a few years more or the start of a future living together. I’d tell him it’s not fancy jewellery you want but to share the same home. Will he commit to that?

Unless your first post is misleading it sounds like until recently you both had good reasons to keep things separate. And that you weren't unhappy with the way things were until recent events prompted you to re-evaluate things.

If so, I think you're being unfair. I'm taking 'life's too short moments' to mean either recent bereavements or serious health issues of either one of you or someone close to you, and if so you shouldn't be making knee-jerk big decisions any time soon.

What exactly did you say you wanted when you spoke to him? How long have you been unhappy with the way things are (did it pre-date the recent events?) Did you have clear reasonable discussions about what you want? Expressing a desire to 'formalise' things does sound like you're saying you want marriage - which is exactly what he's made moves towards. But then in your later posts you sound like you aren't sure if marriage is what you want. If you aren't sure on what you want you can't possibly expect him to know. If you are sure but haven't clearly communicated it, you can't possibly expect him to know.

If you've recently changed your expectations/moved the goalposts you're being unreasonable to expect him to just immediately jump onboard.

If you're recently bereaved or similar it's understandable that you're all over the place and want some stability/have big questions about your future. But it sounds like what you need to do is take a step back and think about whether you should really be making changes to your plans at the time, or if it's grief driving this, and then talk calmly with your partner about what you really want.

It's just weird to ask your parents!
I'll just say this " Talk is cheap, it's actions that matter"
All I can see from him is inaction
Do you think a proposal will make a difference to your relationship?

Although I have to say I'd be beyond annoyed if my partner had a conversation with my parents about marriage before he had the conversation with me.

But that's me, and I've always been quite clear about my expectations in that regard, and I know that plenty of other women feel differently.

What negative responses. Realistically marriage means less to men. They in general are quite happy to just be together and leave things are they are. Before your outburst he had clearly been thinking about it so you didn’t force him into anything. Talking to your parents is not a bad thing it’s actually quite sweet and suggests your family are important to him. Nothing to do with your independence it’s only a formality but one he didn’t have to do. He just wanted to get it right and please you. You obviously mean enough to him that he wants long term commitment. Why too little too late if it’s genuine? The only question is do you want to marry him. If you do just be happy to mutual and stop over analysing. If not say so

Heretic! 😀

OP having read your updates, it looks like living together is more important for you than marriage.
In which case looking at houses together, finances in order etc would make far more sense than getting you a shiny rock.
Maybe he doesn't want to move in yet and will claim to do so 'once you're married'... the marriage part being some time away?

It's usually the other way around on here. Men desperate to move a woman in to do all the shit work, but not marry her and give her rights.

He needs to be transparent about exactly what he's thinking and planning. You're both too old for this proposal, parent asking etc nonsense and if he knew you well, he should've known you wouldn't be impressed.

Marriages changes nothing. You could sign the papers and still live apart. It's not guranteed to give you what you want.

So much of the wedding stuff is. Why does the dad and not the mum make a speech. Why does dad walk down aisle. Why do most women take husbands name.

As a married woman who did none of the above, it beats the hell out of me.

One of our friends is a bespoke jeweller, I know he's spoken to him and they talked at length about styles, designs and prices.

A Parisian proposal would have been fabulously romantic but isn't going to happen. Outside some reality TV show called 'secret surprise proposals'.

Thank you @MrsTerryPratchett just for being bloody marvellous.

Despite a lot of talking I don't think you're on the same page Op. You've talked about sharing a house but he sees that as you're looking for marriage, it's been a long time since living together was problematic so why he's jumped straight to marriage is anyone's guess.
You don't sound like you want a proposal Op, it's more a desire just to live in one house, to have everything in one place and just feel at home.

You don't think it's odd when the couple is older, have had previous marriages and have their own adult children?

I think.it is lovely that he spoke with your parents, old fashioned, but charming.

If you love him marry him.

I didn't realise that you knew a bespoke jeweller, that's slightly different!
I do hope that you're able to communicate what you really want, and how you see your future. You've been together a while, so it would be nice at this point to get married and share a home. I get that.

Who on earth speaks to someone's parents about marrying their daughter??
This would be freaky even if you were 16, OP

He's got some strange ideas.

Proposal or not you don't sound happy.

Dump and move on. Don't waste both your time when it will likely end badly anyway.

This is a classic case of "if he wanted to, he would"

He didn't so he hasn't. Stringing it out like this is just keeping you close. No need to wait for the right time. If he had decided you were the one he wouldn't want to wait.

I think if he has spoken yo your parents and a jeweller you know, he really must have been planning to propose as otherwise he would have looked pretty foolish. If it’s what you want, you might regret calling it quits now if it’s seemingly getting close. Keeping separate houses while the kids grew up seems a legitimate reason to me. Maybe a full and frank discussion, and put a defined time frame around moving in together etc, if he won’t commit to that then that’s the answer you need and time to call it quits. For what it’s worth, I think the speaking with parents isn’t the crime some seem to believe and is actually quite a sweet, if old fashioned way of doing things that many men still do.

What a load of nonsense on his part. He's spoken to both sets of parents. Are you teenagers. No.

On a purely practical level..Do you own your own house?

Does he?

I'd be terrified about losing half my house in a divorce after a marriage.

Parents {and oddly, I } know a married couples - both remarried after divorce, and they keep their separate houses and actually swap between the two.

Seems to work very well.

One couple recently celebrated their 18 yr Anniversary.

It's not an unhappy relationship per se, just I've been unhappy at his lack of commitment. And he's got form for putting stuff off - fixing the car, fixing a tap, booking holidays - usually with expensive consequences. He wouldn't argue with that.

With this and the dawdling around marrying you, are you sure you actually want him?

Just sounds like you'll be jumping back into parenting an adult - not remotely appealing.

But they don't HAVE to marry. That's what makes his actions so baffling.
OP just wants to cohabit she never asked for marriage.
In fact it's very common for people to remain unmarried with children from previous marriages, to keep their finances entirely separate.

It's a tradition that can be safely consigned to history. It's misogynistic and i wouldn't marry a man who felt they needed to ask my father's permission. It's nothing to do with him who i choose to marry.

We both own our own homes (well, mortgaged, but not scary amounts due to being much older, and we have enough equity between us to not need another mortgage should we buy together) and after a horrible divorce the actual thought of risking all I've worked for via marriage is worrying, and why for me marriage hasn't really been on the table.

A shared home has been discussed on and off for years, with various reasons for and against resulting in the current situation. The kids have had chance to grow up without the blended family nightmares that I read about on her (but with the added bonus of single parenting with an extra person available to moan at). But with teens flying the nest it has seemed for some time like we should begin to plan for a shared home. But whenever I brought up any future plans the subject was shelved.

The ball is currently very much in my court. A proper, sit-down discussion needs to be had about what he proposes (ha) our future to look like, with an actual timeline. I don't want to be engaged for another 10 years and still living apart.

Our relationship has seriously been really good apart from this massive elephant in the room. I love his bones, I have long been 'the best thing that's ever happened to him'. He's reliable, open, fun, hilarious, passionate about the same things as me, we click on every level. And yet...

You've given me lots of food for thought. Thanks for the head wobble.

Is Ratners still going? Asking for a friend...

Sadly not! Poor Gerald....

Agree- Why go through all that again.