Is this a reason to go NC with a sibling?

[WouldyouNCthem]

I have 3 siblings . When DF was very unwell I tried to be supportive (but I live 4 hours away and I don’t even drive plus have a severley
disabled child and a baby)

When DF passed I wasn’t able to attend the funeral as I was still bf the baby and had no childcare for older dc (DP couldn’t have had both dc alone and we have no help nearby)

Ill also be honest I didn’t want to go because I was suffering with PND and suffering the loss terribly.

My siblings have all gone NC with me due to this as they said I should have been supporting them and respecting DF by going to the funeral and helping DM with her loss. I tried really hard to explain but they’ve not wanted to understand at all and now I have no family as DM also won’t speak to me.

So they think it's because you were breast-feeding and couldn't leave your husband alone?

If this is the case you must be truthful with them and explain the truth.

I think in all honesty I'd be quite miffed if a sibling didn't attend a parents funeral. Your excuse sounds a little flimsy. I don't understand why you couldn't have taken your children to the funeral?

So I know you had a lot on, but personally I would struggle to forgive a sibling for not being around when a parent was gravely ill and then missing the funeral. So to answer your question, yes I would see that as a reason to go NC.

I explained to them that
1). I couldn’t leave DP with both children and had no other support
2). I couldn’t come with the baby as I was so upset plus PND
3). I felt the funeral would be too much for me and just couldn’t face it as was so so upset

They said I’d let DF down, let DM down and not been there for them when they needed me (I’m the oldest)

Why couldn't your partner have both kid's alone? That sounds like the bigger concern.

Oh sorry I hadn't read your child is severely disabled....I can see that that fact may make attendance harder.

Overall it sounds like a totally shit time for everyone. I can certainly see why they feel hurt though

Travelling is hell. At the time as well youngest was newborn and it is a 4 hour car journey , it was summer so hot and ds has such severe SEN it would have been traumatic for us all
My PND was so bad there was suggestion of an inpatient mother and baby stay but instead I had daily visits from a MH nurse

I don’t think they’ll ever speak to me again

I appreciate your honesty . I’m just so so upset and so lonely

Then you need to explain that to them.

I think all you can do is be honest about the stuff you were dealing with at the time. I also think you do probably owe them some sort of acknowledgement that you should have been there. Hopefully time will heal.

I imagine for your family there was also the embarrassment factor.... people at the funeral asking where you were?

If they don't bring you joy, let them go.

We don't choose our family, it's just the luck of the draw. Some family relationships aren't worth holding onto.

Family relationships are sometimes very complicated. But if you think of it like you would a friendship, then it can become clearer. Is this someone you want be around who enriches your life? Is it someone who sucks all the joy out of your world? If you were to meet them in a random manner at this point in your life, would you want to be friend with them?

Your life.
Your choice.

I think all you can do is be totally honest and upfront about why you made the decisions you did.

In their shoes however I would probably be incredibly hurt and I don't really blame them from their POV, they've had to cope without you and support your mum without the whole family together.

However you have to sometimes prioritise your mental health above the needs of others, which it sounds like you did - but it also sounds like it's what they're doing now.

I cannot imagine in my wildest dreams not going to my Mums funeral.

Maybe PND, I don't know as I was lucky enough not to have to deal with this.

The rest? No, just no.

I did

I know you had your own issues going on, but I don't think I could ever forgive my sibling for missing a parent's funeral and not being there to support the family, particularly the remaining parent.

I'm sure your absence made the funeral more difficult and every time I would think about the funeral, my siblings absence would be the next thing I thought about, it would be forever tainted.

I would probably never speak to them again either. But you made your decision, so just own it, deal with the consequences and try to move on.

I can understand why they’ve gone NC. It sounds like a C really difficult time for all. Hopefully if you explain your circumstances fully then they’ll forgive in time. I do think you should acknowledge that you weren’t there and apologise. You were having a hard time but that doesn’t stop the consequences impacting those around you in a negative way and it has caused hurt even though it wasn’t intentional.

I supported them a lot in the year DF was unwell I travelled to help multiple times when pregnant, once I’d had the baby though it wasn’t safe even if I had formalu fed to leave DP with both dc due to high needs due to SEN . I contributed financially too for help for DF while we waited for SS to step in etc

I can't imagine how terrible I would feel if one of my siblings didn't come to our parent's funeral. It's awful.
I'm sorry you felt unable to go but from their point of view you behaved appallingly.

I explained so many times but they won’t accept it maybe with time they will understand

I just couldn’t cope emotionally and the thought of the funeral was too much. I was terrified my PND would get worse due to grief on top so I just felt I couldn’t go. I couldn’t cope with the thought of the coffin etc

You still haven't explained why your boyfriend can't have the children alone.

Do you have both children alone?

It’s likely they are overwhelmed with grief & can’t take on board this extra weight. I understand their upset & would perhaps feel the same but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

Time heals.

When you explain, are you acknowledging the fact that your choices caused a lot of hurt? Are you owning it? If you’re just fighting your own corner without any acknowledgment of the hurt caused, then I don’t think you’re likely to get very far.