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Original poster

Is this a reason to go NC with a sibling?

309 replies

WouldyouNCthem · 17/07/2024 19:19

I have 3 siblings . When DF was very unwell I tried to be supportive (but I live 4 hours away and I don’t even drive plus have a severley
disabled child and a baby)

When DF passed I wasn’t able to attend the funeral as I was still bf the baby and had no childcare for older dc (DP couldn’t have had both dc alone and we have no help nearby)

Ill also be honest I didn’t want to go because I was suffering with PND and suffering the loss terribly.

My siblings have all gone NC with me due to this as they said I should have been supporting them and respecting DF by going to the funeral and helping DM with her loss. I tried really hard to explain but they’ve not wanted to understand at all and now I have no family as DM also won’t speak to me.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 17/07/2024 19:41

WouldyouNCthem · 17/07/2024 19:28

I explained to them that
1). I couldn’t leave DP with both children and had no other support
2). I couldn’t come with the baby as I was so upset plus PND
3). I felt the funeral would be too much for me and just couldn’t face it as was so so upset

They said I’d let DF down, let DM down and not been there for them when they needed me (I’m the oldest)

Show quote history

The problem is, PND aside, which they may not understand, you were all upset, it probably felt like a lot / too much for them too but they did it for their parents. So to them, it's like you're claiming grief top trumps. Oh I was too sad to go,but you were fine cos you were less sad. I know that isn't what you meant, but I can see how it came across potentially.

How long since the funeral?

Original poster
WouldyouNCthem · 17/07/2024 19:41

Meowzabub · 17/07/2024 19:38

You still haven't explained why your boyfriend can't have the children alone.

Do you have both children alone?

It was because at the time of the funeral the ages of the dc - and dd was crying constantly and ds was lashing out as hates noises it wasn’t safe to leave just DP to cope . I’d had a c section too and my hormones were all over the place (this was 6 weeks when DF passed away so technically I was healed but my scar still hurt)

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 17/07/2024 19:41

I would be disgusted if my sibling didn’t make an effort to go to our parents funeral. I’m NC with this sibling as they are an addict and have severe mental health issues however they still should show respect for our parents.

TbH I can see why your siblings are upset.

Original poster
WouldyouNCthem · 17/07/2024 19:41

SleepingStandingUp · 17/07/2024 19:41

The problem is, PND aside, which they may not understand, you were all upset, it probably felt like a lot / too much for them too but they did it for their parents. So to them, it's like you're claiming grief top trumps. Oh I was too sad to go,but you were fine cos you were less sad. I know that isn't what you meant, but I can see how it came across potentially.

How long since the funeral?

Show quote history

We are 8 months on now and they are still NC

OP posts:
Pennyandolive · 17/07/2024 19:42

WouldyouNCthem · 17/07/2024 19:38

I just couldn’t cope emotionally and the thought of the funeral was too much. I was terrified my PND would get worse due to grief on top so I just felt I couldn’t go. I couldn’t cope with the thought of the coffin etc

Show quote history

None of your family would have felt they were able to cope with the thought of the coffin. It’s also likely that your family also all had their own things going on. At the end of the day, you choose not to go to your own fathers funeral… that’s pretty hurtful…

Original poster
WouldyouNCthem · 17/07/2024 19:42

Thankyou everyone for opinions and insight. It seems they are justified. I feel awful

OP posts:
QuitChewingMyPlectrum · 17/07/2024 19:43

Sorry but I disagree with a lot of the responses here. I think knowing what you were going through it would be unkind of your family to never forgive you.
Funerals are for the living. You haven't let your DF down and your mum had family support. Where is your support?
I know these things can be emotive but it would be a poor show if your family couldn't see why you couldn't attend and give you a bit of kindness - everyone grieves differently and I don't see that you have done anything wrong.

Pumpkinpie1 · 17/07/2024 19:43

Excuses Excuses OP
It was your choice to not attend your Fathers funeral
Its your Mums and siblings choice to be angry.
Your H is a parent , who if he couldn’t look after his own children to allow his wife to attend her own Dads funeral …….

Own your choices OP , it’s entirely up to you if you attend . You’re an adult.
But don’t be surprised if people see through excuses . We can move mountains if we want something enough.

Meowzabub · 17/07/2024 19:43

WouldyouNCthem · 17/07/2024 19:41

It was because at the time of the funeral the ages of the dc - and dd was crying constantly and ds was lashing out as hates noises it wasn’t safe to leave just DP to cope . I’d had a c section too and my hormones were all over the place (this was 6 weeks when DF passed away so technically I was healed but my scar still hurt)

Show quote history

But would you have been able to handle the exact situation on your own? If so, you have bigger problems to worry about than your siblings.

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 17/07/2024 19:43

I am sorry for your loss OP, I lost my beloved DF last year and I know how painful it is. I am one of four siblings and if I knew one of them was in your position I would not go no contact with you. I know how important it was for me to be at his funeral and so I would feel very sorry for you for feeling so low that you could not attend. Were you close to your DM before all of this and does she know how you were feeling?

AnneShirleysNewDress · 17/07/2024 19:44

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

Do you understand why they are hurt - have you acknowledged that fully? I can see you had to do what you thought was right for you but now they are doing what they think is right for them. They may, in time, be able to move on but I think lots of people would struggle to do so.

DancingLions · 17/07/2024 19:44

Yeah, I have to say your excuse of why your partner couldn't have the kids is weak. Plenty of single parents out there coping with worse every day.

I have some sympathy for you. But at the same time I can see why your siblings feel the way they do. I appreciate you were struggling but this was one day that wasn't about you and I think you should have tried harder.

Original poster
WouldyouNCthem · 17/07/2024 19:45

Meowzabub · 17/07/2024 19:43

But would you have been able to handle the exact situation on your own? If so, you have bigger problems to worry about than your siblings.

Show quote history

At that point no I wouldn’t have been able to handle both dc alone. We didn’t even have respite in place then as we’re waiting on dla and assessments for ds which took so long. Now it’s easier but at that point neither of us could been alone with both dc

OP posts:
Original poster
WouldyouNCthem · 17/07/2024 19:47

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 17/07/2024 19:43

I am sorry for your loss OP, I lost my beloved DF last year and I know how painful it is. I am one of four siblings and if I knew one of them was in your position I would not go no contact with you. I know how important it was for me to be at his funeral and so I would feel very sorry for you for feeling so low that you could not attend. Were you close to your DM before all of this and does she know how you were feeling?

Not close no, because I moved away due to DP work we had to relocate and she was very unhappy. I visited them all a lot though but they never came to us.

OP posts:
newbeggins · 17/07/2024 19:47

I think the only person you need to explain to is DM and that needs to be via more than a phone call or text. Ideally by letter or in person if not already done that way.

Then I think your future actions will justify this being a blip by the effort you make to visit DM. I think that would honour your Dad's memory more than attending a funeral. Your siblings were put off to how that looked to other people and that your absence indicated he wasn't a good father.

I would be using trains and taxis booked well in advance to take costs down as much as possible and seeing DM at regular intervals.

Meowzabub · 17/07/2024 19:47

WouldyouNCthem · 17/07/2024 19:45

At that point no I wouldn’t have been able to handle both dc alone. We didn’t even have respite in place then as we’re waiting on dla and assessments for ds which took so long. Now it’s easier but at that point neither of us could been alone with both dc

Show quote history

Okay, then I think that's fair enough and as your sibling I would've been understanding of the situation. There was nothing you could realistically do about it at that point in time.

FetchezLaVache · 17/07/2024 19:48

It's all academic now, but could you not have gone on your own with the baby and left the older child with your DP?

Did any of your siblings or their partners offer anything that would have made it easier for you to attend, such as putting you up for a couple of days, or coming to pick you up from your home/meeting you part of the way to save you the whole journey by public transport?

auntpanty · 17/07/2024 19:48

I can see why they feel how they do.

But you genuinely felt like you couldn't attend due to your mh, new baby and disabled child.

I think you have to think you did what you had to do at the time and it can't be changed. Hopefully in the future your siblings will forgive you. You have explained there's nothing more you can do

Original poster
WouldyouNCthem · 17/07/2024 19:48

AnneShirleysNewDress · 17/07/2024 19:44

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

Do you understand why they are hurt - have you acknowledged that fully? I can see you had to do what you thought was right for you but now they are doing what they think is right for them. They may, in time, be able to move on but I think lots of people would struggle to do so.

I have said to them I know they are hurt, I understand why but I had to make a choice . I know DF would have understood that’s the irony I was close to him and he would have told me to look after myself if he had known how severe my PND was

OP posts:
OhMaria2 · 17/07/2024 19:48

WouldyouNCthem · 17/07/2024 19:30

Travelling is hell. At the time as well youngest was newborn and it is a 4 hour car journey , it was summer so hot and ds has such severe SEN it would have been traumatic for us all
My PND was so bad there was suggestion of an inpatient mother and baby stay but instead I had daily visits from a MH nurse

Show quote history

People on this thread are awful and so are your family.

PND is no joke . And feeling unwell after having a baby is a big joke for some people but I did not feel physically up to leaving the house for many months after having my son
Add an additional child with sen and people really can't understand how you couldn't manage a 4 hour drive and funeral. Or why your partner might struggle?

Good grief OP, big massive hugs to you, and fuck everyone!

Original poster
WouldyouNCthem · 17/07/2024 19:49

FetchezLaVache · 17/07/2024 19:48

It's all academic now, but could you not have gone on your own with the baby and left the older child with your DP?

Did any of your siblings or their partners offer anything that would have made it easier for you to attend, such as putting you up for a couple of days, or coming to pick you up from your home/meeting you part of the way to save you the whole journey by public transport?

I wasn’t able to leave the house my PND was severe I was nearly admitted due to it

OP posts:
Coastering · 17/07/2024 19:51

I don't know if its a reason to go NC, but I'd be struggling with a sibling who couldn't find a way to attend our father's funeral. I don't suppose anyone "wanted" to be there.

HoppityBun · 17/07/2024 19:53

I’m puzzled by the relationships. If they didn’t know about your SEN DC, your serious PND and the 4 hour travel then the relationships are not at all close. It strikes me as strange to take offence at a sibling/ daughter not attending a parent’s funeral without guessing or even being told in advance that there are serious problems going on. Unless they think you’re always inconsiderate?

understand a parent being upset, though you’d hope they’d be aware of your situation. Siblings really shouldn’t get offended- family considerations should be 360* . They must know you loved your DF and would want to be there if you could?

More to the point now is how to convince them what was going on in your life if you’re all now on non speakers. Will they even believe you?

Original poster
WouldyouNCthem · 17/07/2024 19:55

They just weren’t ever very interested in DS and then when I got pregnant with dd they were just very judgmental so no it wasn’t a great relationship anyway but not awful. We did speak and I did visit them

OP posts:
OhMaria2 · 17/07/2024 19:56

FetchezLaVache · 17/07/2024 19:48

It's all academic now, but could you not have gone on your own with the baby and left the older child with your DP?

Did any of your siblings or their partners offer anything that would have made it easier for you to attend, such as putting you up for a couple of days, or coming to pick you up from your home/meeting you part of the way to save you the whole journey by public transport?

On her own? with a newborn and severe PND?