Is this a reason to go NC with a sibling?

[WouldyouNCthem]

I have 3 siblings . When DF was very unwell I tried to be supportive (but I live 4 hours away and I don’t even drive plus have a severley
disabled child and a baby)

When DF passed I wasn’t able to attend the funeral as I was still bf the baby and had no childcare for older dc (DP couldn’t have had both dc alone and we have no help nearby)

Ill also be honest I didn’t want to go because I was suffering with PND and suffering the loss terribly.

My siblings have all gone NC with me due to this as they said I should have been supporting them and respecting DF by going to the funeral and helping DM with her loss. I tried really hard to explain but they’ve not wanted to understand at all and now I have no family as DM also won’t speak to me.

It wasn’t that simple and I don’t feel that way now I can see it with perspective but at the time I was having vivid nightmares about the coffin and almost hallucinating when awake about it and I just couldn’t face it at that point in time with my mental health how it was

I’m sorry but I think it’s unacceptable to miss the funeral. Your excuses are pretty weak, and I’m not surprised they are so hurt and angry.

Saying that you couldn’t cope with seeing a coffin etc is not the point. Funerals are difficult. It’s very sad. If everyone had just bailed like you did, your DF would have had nobody attend his funeral. Thats awful.

Nobody finds funerals easy, but that’s not the point.

If you miss them, and don’t want to be NC, you need to apologise, and start trying to make things up with them. You’re in the wrong though, not them.

Some harsh replies here!

I think you did the best you could do under the circumstances, but for whatever reason your family couldn’t see it that way and chose to see you as deliberately opting out.

I like @DullFanFiction ’s post as it highlights what your family were probably thinking. It sounds like they haven’t really been there for you though, when you’ve really needed some support, with your older dc, with your PND (I wonder if the harshest posters have never experienced that?), and having a newborn and recovering from a section.
In families it should ideally go both ways, and at that point you needed some understanding in your direction, and it wasn’t there.

My advice would be to let them get on with it. They have their view of what happened, and apart from maybe sending a heartfelt letter to your mum, I don’t think there’s anything you could say that will change that.
You say your dad would have understood, so I think you need to hold onto that and find a way to reconcile with yourself what happened. It does honestly sound like a truly difficult situation. 💐

Yes, I would be annoyed if my sibling didn’t attend a parent’s funeral. Even with the mitigating circumstances, I would still be annoyed and upset. With the mitigating factors I probably wouldn’t go NC but I might not be over the pain at 8 months. That might look like I’d gone NC.

However, I think this was always brewing. You aren’t close. You’ve moved four hours away and that made your mum unhappy with you. They never bothered with your disabled son. They were disappointed when you got pregnant with your daughter. You didn’t feel safe going to them at a time when you had PND. It hurts but it does sound like whatever you do is never going to be good enough.

The NC might not be forever. We feel a lot when we’re grieving. Anger and guilt are two really big emotions in that grief journey. The anger is directed at you because you did something but with the relationship not being close, you could have equally “done” something at the funeral had you been able to go. It could be something as simple as needing to stepping out with a newborn or leave early because you had a long journey and you were tired. In time, their anger should ease. There’s no point explaining again and again. I think the question for you while their grief moves through the stages is what do they add to your life? Are you actually better off NC?

He would have understood, he always said to me ‘what are you doing here again! You have your little one to be busy with not me!’
He always said the important bit was then, not after and I really tried to be there and to help as much as I could and I think I was trying to hold myself together to a point in time and then I just couldn’t function afterwards

@WouldyouNCthem - I think this is the issue - 3). I felt the funeral would be too much for me and just couldn’t face it as was so so upset

How do you think the rest of your family felt?

I intended to say go and see your mum. Take a deep breath and go and sit down face to face. Your father would not wish for you all to fall out like this.

I think they owe it to you to hear you out, and no one on this earth chooses to have PND at the same as a major bereavement.

I would be supporting any family member, regardless of a funeral given your situation op and it makes me question what kind of family cuts off a close family member under these circumstances. What kind of people are they knowing how hard things are for you every single day. There is something very wrong with their decision to do that op. How did they treat you before this? Were you ever loved and supported by them? Have they helped you through these difficult times before this happened? I suspect not.

You moved away, their grievances I suspect go well beyond your father's funeral and back to the point when you left possibly. There are long running resentments or dysfunction at the heart of this.

Because healthy loving families don't cut each off when one can not cope, they usually pull together.

If you've explained and they want to go NC leave them alone.they’ve made their decision like you made yours and you must make peace with that.i would feel the same as your siblings.maybe when things have settled you could reach out again.

DM was very angry when we moved , as were my siblings because I had lived very close to DM and DF so was their support and it was seen as me abandoning them. The reality was we would never been able to buy a house if we hadn’t relocated and DP had a job offer and it was the only way we could have a better life

@WouldyouNCthem Youve been given a pretty hard time OP.

My DF was terminally ill during my last pregnancy, high risk pregnancy and highly stressful with DF. My siblings were barely around during the months DF was unwell, I was there all the time, even after baby was born. But im the bad guy because I couldn’t deal with our narcissistic mother afterwards.

Im NC with one and LC with the other sibling. To be honest life is far better without any of them especially narcissistic mother who I’m nc with.

In your case you has a shit load of stuff to deal with, you choose your family and your own health over going to a funeral, I think you absolutely made the right decision. They wanted you there to suit their needs without any thought of what you were going through.

Funerals are for the living, not going dose not diminish your feelings for your DF. As you say your DF would have wanted you to take care of yourself.

At the end of the day this is their problem not yours, don’t give them any more head space.

Sorry it sounds like a hard time for everyone.

I would imagine it sounds like you’re making excuses to them (and flimsy excuses). Yes it would have been hard but you and your boyfriend could have pulled through and gotten to your fathers funeral.

Being depressed isn’t a good reason.
Your boyfriend struggling with 2 for a day isn’t a reason.

There we are.

The funeral is the 'final straw' for them.
You were the designated support system for your parents, and that was your role. When you prioritised reasonably, buying a house, having dc and a job you were already in serious trouble as far as they were concerned.

Then your father was ill, you did your best but being pregnant and so far away meant you did not pull your weight in their eyes - and highlighted the distance.
Final straw you are too ill to visit during the passing. It does not matter if you had been hospitalised or bed bound, or gravely ill yourself with minutes to live, this would have still been the last straw for them either way.

This is not you.
This is them.
What they are doing is cruel and unkind, and the resentment has been building for years behind the scenes.

Do you know if your DF was buried or cremated? Perhaps you could now reach out explaining how you really do want to do something to remember your DF together now you're able to get respite/ no longer requiring daily visits for MH, and your intentions to do this? Scatter ashes together? Visit grave and go to his favourite chippy for tea? Order a photo book? No guarantee of others' reaction to anything but it might help to remove the perception that you don't care and show that you do.

@WouldyouNCthem I think you are getting a really hard time here.

You didn't just have PND - from your posts it sounds like you were on the verge of being admitted to hospital because of the severity of your depression. And places in a Mother and Baby unit are like hens teeth - so if you needed it, you must have been really unwell!

I think if you had actually been in hospital, everyone would have understood the severity of the situation more easily.

It's really hurtful when you have done absolutely everything that you can and people still say it's not enough. Take courage from the fact that you know how hard it was. And your dad would have understood. No-one else's opinion matters.

Had a difficult birth? Travel for four hours alone with your baby!!
Shocking. A new low

I would just leave them alone for now, I honestly don't think you have anything to gain from trying to explain the reasons again.
If you had been my Sister, I would have been more concerned about how you were managing the grief whilst being under the care of a MH nurse daily, 6 weeks post C-section !
It sounds as though your Dad was a lovely man and I am sorry for your loss

Really torn with this one. I do feel for you with all additional problems that you were facing at that time but I would find it very difficult to forgive a sibling who couldn't put everything aside just for one day to attend the funeral.

I completely agree. The OP would have gone if she had been able to do that. All these “why didn’t you do this?” “Why couldn’t you do that?” comments are judgmental. It’s not as though she was looking for a way to avoid going

I totally understand why you didn’t go. You must have been so exhausted and overwhelmed at that time. Funerals are for people to say good bye, ie they are for you, for closure. Your family are being cruel to go NC with you, they don’t have empathy at all and are basically ganging up on you. Saying you’ve let your DF down is horrible. Maybe you are better off without them?

There's millions of women travelling with baby's every day there's some walking for miles with them across Africa no pram nothing 🤷‍♀️ people travel with babys and have done since time began... her partner not being able to take over for one day is a big issue ( express some milk ) it wasn't the carnival it was her fathers funeral. Of cause her family are disgusted it wasn't a family bbq.

I absolutely wouldn’t go NC with a sibling but I wonder if you’ve approached this in a certain way. If you’ve made it about your needs, your feelings and your reasons, it may have got their backs up. If you want them in your lives - and it’s your choice - I would make contact, don’t explain your valid reason. Simply say you were sorry you weren’t there and you loved your dad very much.

I think one of the problems is that you have come up with a multitude of excuses. That must make it hard for your family to accept your choice to miss the funeral. I honestly would have moved heaven and earth to make sure I attended my dad’s funeral.

its a difficult situation, and i can see it from both sides. perhaps you need to give it a little time, let everyone grieve properly and then arrange to have a proper sit down and a chat with everyone.

this might be one of those situations where both sides are right in their own way!

Horrible comment. OP does not need their 'forgiveness' at all.

I cannot believe the nasty comments on here, have any of you actually had PND?

That's what wouid of pissed me off the travelling excuse I remember sitting with a lady in Birmingham children's hospital she had a baby and a toddler she's travelled alllll day to get to a 3'0'clock appointment if its important you do it. ( travelling not talking about the other reasons)