Is this a reason to go NC with a sibling?

[WouldyouNCthem]

I have 3 siblings . When DF was very unwell I tried to be supportive (but I live 4 hours away and I don’t even drive plus have a severley
disabled child and a baby)

When DF passed I wasn’t able to attend the funeral as I was still bf the baby and had no childcare for older dc (DP couldn’t have had both dc alone and we have no help nearby)

Ill also be honest I didn’t want to go because I was suffering with PND and suffering the loss terribly.

My siblings have all gone NC with me due to this as they said I should have been supporting them and respecting DF by going to the funeral and helping DM with her loss. I tried really hard to explain but they’ve not wanted to understand at all and now I have no family as DM also won’t speak to me.

My actions being moving away , being less available to support DM and then not being able to go to DF funeral. Those are the things that have caused them to go NC the funeral being the final reason.

I had dd before DF passed away. Not one of them called or even asked to see her. They weren’t to know at that point that anything would happen and I’d not be attending his funeral when he passed. They still chose at that point to not even talk to me. We sent some photos and I told myself maybe it was too much for everyone as we knew he was extremely unwell and maybe they just couldn’t cope with a new baby in the family ? So I tried to just think of it that way but I called and dd cried and DM got angry saying she couldn’t even talk to me as the baby was screaming. I called her the next day and she wouldn’t answer.

I’ve read a lot in 3 days! There is a lot here in some other threads and there’s lots of info online and I’ve been up reading lots

Did you even warn them that you wasn't going?

If I had the time to type out everything then you’d probably understand but I don’t it’s too much , things that I didn’t even realise don’t happen in normal families !

I did even think is this why DF worked away so much when we were all very young - to get away from DM, i remember a few arguments and i remember DM saying some quite awful things sometimes (accusing him of affairs, threatening things) so I’ve just been over analysing it all and not really thought about much else

They told me the date and time 2 days before the funeral and I told them immediately I was just too unwell I tried to explain but they kept asking more and more questions so I answered them all but they didn’t want to hear in the end DP took over all the communications

In all lifelong situations nobody's perfect and will of gotten dirty hands at some stage but I've not seen you acknowledge absolutely anything from your own side op and this is quite possibly why your family are getting aggravated

I have said I know I possibly hurt them and if so I feel bad for that - I’ve said that a few times. I dont want to hurt anyone - even those who haven’t always been kind to me. I’ve not once said that they aren’t hurt they probably are , they are definitely angry I know that for sure

Ok, this really is my last comment. How have you had so much time in 3 days to fully research with a young baby and a super high needs child that were so high needs you couldn’t attend your father’s funeral? It takes years to get to the point you have got to in 3 days all while struggling with your mental health and looking after 2 children.
I’m really done now.

I’ve read a few threads on here (prob took me 1-2 hrs?), watched some YouTube on narcissism (dr ramani prob again 2 hours ) and read some other websites so not even 3 days and then just going over things that have happened (a lot that I haven’t even mentioned on here )

I’m sorry you have had a hard time op, but I totally see why your family are struggling to understand your actions. I find it hard to understand how you could miss a parents funeral, even given your circumstances, so I can see why your family are upset. Most people would move heaven and earth to go, so your family don’t feel you tried hard enough. Give it time, things may settle down over time.

FFS I can’t help myself. OP you are contradicting yourself! You said you had read loads in 3 days now it’s just a few things that took hardly any time. You told me you couldn’t explain yourself at the time and then responded above to say you explained and answered their questions… I’m calling absolute bullshit!!

What I’ve done in the 3 days I explained- I said ‘going over things’ so re reading.

At the time my explanation was basic . I said to them I have PND they kept asking . I explained I wasn’t fully healed they said ‘6 weeks healing for a c section and it’s 6 weeks’ what I meant was my explanation could have seemed blunt at the time

I'm going to take you at face value OP. I think you did feel very overwhelmed mentally and any normal, non toxic family would have understood that. They might have been sceptical of the extent of your suffering but I certainly don't see this as something to go NC over.

People are entitled not to attend a funeral if they do not wish to. I'm sure you are not the first to feel unable to, whether that's due to issues with children or not.

Your DM was not left without support since your siblings, and presumably other family members did attend.

You are entitled to move away for whatever reason- you don't have to justify this to anyone, including your family. You might owe them consideration and respect (if they had any for you) but you don't owe them constant practical support.

I disagree with the negative posts on here. As I read through your responses I began to think, this family are toxic so I was pleased to see other posters must have pointed this out and helped you understand what you have experienced. I don't think 3 days is too short a time period to realise some home truths about your family.

I admit, at first, I thought you were making excuses about not going to the funeral but as you explained it more, it made more sense. In any case, as I said before, you do NOT have to go to a funeral if you don't want to. It's just how society honours the dead - it's not compulsory. And I think you would have gone if circumstances had been different.

If I were you, I'd stop responding on here or ask for the thread to be removed as there is a bullying tone to some responses you are getting.

Couldn't beat up my sibling emotionally in those circumstances tbh, I'd be coming round to yours to hold the baby and have a cup of tea while we spoke about memories of DF.

People are fucking weird and I don't understand them, I'm seeing that more and more as I go through life.

I lost my dad in 2020 when I was 27; I couldn't visit him in his last few days due to COVID restrictions and my mum being the priority. It was devastating but I tell myself that a lifetime of love and memory were not obliterated by me not being able to be there in his final moments. He left this world with my love in his heart and that's what is important.

If you can afford it, please seek out some therapy and an independent person to discuss this with. A post on MN and online research isn’t enough to deal with this. Whether they are narcissistic or not, losing your family via NC does have a profound impact. I’m not saying you should attempt to make contact as it sounds like nobody wants that, including you. I just think you need more time and support to work through this.

You have a lot of your plate with a child with additional needs and it sounds like your baby is still quite young, so you’re at risk of slipping back into depression. Please don’t not seek help because you’ve posted on here.

I am not suggesting you are wrong (or right!) but I am concerned you need to talk it through with someone neutral.

Thankyou. I think you are right. I appreciate your post a lot it’s very helpful. I’m going to step away from this thread now as I feel that I can’t explain absolutely everything here yet I know the truth and everything that has happened not just what I’ve managed to post there’s too much to put it all.

I’m sorry you were having such a hard time. You didn’t mean to but you have let people down badly.
what would have happened if others had decided it was too hard to care for your DF at the end or even arrange or attend his funeral? Nobody wants to go to a funeral.

@WouldyouNCthem

I'm
Sorry to read you've had such a rough time.

You've been given a real shit ride here and the ones being spiteful or nasty clearly didn't grow up with the family dynamic you have.

As long as I can remember my mum has been manipulating,gas lighting and a very controlling women.

I have a sibling that has mental health issues and has done for her entire adult life.

I'm pretty convinced my mother's behaviour and control of my sibling forever is why she is the way she is.

Sibling had a breakdown two years ago and It really opened my eyes to her behaviour towards my sibling.

I moved out from a young age as I didn't have the best relationship with my mum and still have to keep her at arms length now.
I don't tell her anything personal and keep conversations light hearted

Your mother sounds very similar and you probably had a huge amount of anxiety built up about going and being in that toxic environment when you were already so fragile.

I'm not ashamed to say it but in your situation I probably would have made the same choice.

They are using you as a scapegoat and someone to take their anger out on because you stepped out of their circle

Well well done to you for moving away and setting up home.

For your own and your children's futures and mental health I would step back and keep a strong boundary in place to protect your self.

They clearly have no idea how your life was at the time and yes in an ideal world you would have gone made pleasantries and left again you must have felt unable to face it.

I get that and anyone on here being so judgemental have no right unless they've felt the way you did at the time.

It's done now op,you can't go back and change it. I would look forward now and keep your dignity.
If you've acknowledged their hurt and anger and explained and they still continue to behave this way towards you step back

We only get one life don't spend it trying to justify yourself to these people who clearly don't want to hear it

She put a post up which implies she wanted opinions that's what she's received.

I agree. There is very much a bullying tone to some responses. And an awful lot of sanctimony.

While I wouldn’t necessarily go NC myself unless there were already issues in the relationship, I agree with the sentiment of this post. They’re attempting to grieve and handle their loss too, and they clearly felt let down and hurt by your non-attendance. It’s a very sad situation as I understand your reasoning.. but I can understand theirs too.

I’m glad you’ve posted what many of us were thinking. There are 4 different people who have fallen out with the OP but the high number of drip feeds from OP to try and paint herself as the victim is something.

Ultimately, it’s not us you need to convince OP. It’s you who needs to live with the decision to not go to your own father’s funeral.

Sorry but there is no way on earth I would miss a parent’s funeral, ESPECIALLY, if you have a good relationship with them. What on earth were you thinking? Think for a second of how much you parents sacrificed for you to raise you. How many times they will have silently and without complaint been there for you? And just think for a second how you would feel if one of your children didn’t come to your funeral?

I have had severe PND and three kids under 4 and wild horses wouldn’t have kept me from my parents funeral. Even if it were on the other side of the world. Babies can survive for one day without you.

I would be hurt beyond words if one of our siblings didn’t turn up. Unless admitted to hospital and attached to drips there is just no excuse.

You never need to justify yourself to a bunch of bullies on the internet op. You have been through so much, and I am sorry your family have not been supportive or loving towards you.

Your father has died sadly, he was not there at the funeral, the point of the funeral is not for him. I am sure he would have understood exactly the situation and asked you to take care of yourself and your babies, as any decent parent would.

Your family dynamic is the problem here, not your situation. I hope you see that.
Look after yourself. Ignore the trolls. Be kind to yourself and well done for taking care of yourself in a way that meant you could continue to parent without being hospitalised. This is way more important - and your babies rely on you 100%.

Lots of love

You need to explain about the PND