Is this a reason to go NC with a sibling?

[WouldyouNCthem]

I have 3 siblings . When DF was very unwell I tried to be supportive (but I live 4 hours away and I don’t even drive plus have a severley
disabled child and a baby)

When DF passed I wasn’t able to attend the funeral as I was still bf the baby and had no childcare for older dc (DP couldn’t have had both dc alone and we have no help nearby)

Ill also be honest I didn’t want to go because I was suffering with PND and suffering the loss terribly.

My siblings have all gone NC with me due to this as they said I should have been supporting them and respecting DF by going to the funeral and helping DM with her loss. I tried really hard to explain but they’ve not wanted to understand at all and now I have no family as DM also won’t speak to me.

@WouldyouNCthem I agree with this. I would not like it but if I knew you had had a caesarean plus PND and your other child’s issues to deal with I would accept that you felt unable to cope. You feel how you feel - we are all different.

I guess I have a lot to think about. I’m not sure if I should contact them to reiterate my reasons as I felt I told them so many times at the time so they know . I just wanted some opinions as I couldn’t work out if they were overreacting or if I had really been as out of order as they said because my memories are hazy as I really wasn’t well

At that point dd was 6 weeks so they were saying I was fully healed as 6 weeks after a c section you are ‘back to normal’ so said I couldn’t even use that as part of my reasons

You can't change the past.
You can acknowledge that they felt you should have attended the funeral.
You can acknowledge that you didn't make your decision lightly.
You can acknowledge that you loved him, think of him and understand their grief.
You can acknowledge that you were unwell.

You can ask for them to contact you as you love and miss them.

Ultimately it will be there decision how to react.

OP, so sorry for your loss.
Also that your siblings have gone NC.
There are big differences between reasons and excuses and I feel you had valid reasons.
I can understand that your siblings were hurt but surely if they love you they could have a little empathy?
If it were just one sibling on their own I could understand, but there were three of them to support each other.
You sound like you did a lot when your dad was still around, and as you say, out of everyone it would have been him who wouldn’t have been offended.
While I do understand funerals are solemn occasions, they also give people a chance to start grievances or use them as an excuse to treat others poorly.
What matters most is how you treated your dad when he was alive and the bond you had with him.
Funerals are not by invitation they are there for you to attend. I do often feel they have a sense of ‘what would the neighbours say’ and I’ve been around so many were siblings argue about every detail, to the point where the person who has been lost becomes secondary.
It’s just my humble opinion that going NC with you over this, and at the very least not hearing you out, seems to go against what your dad actually stood for.
Sure lots of people won’t agree and think I’m disrespectful.

If you've already explained your reasons, then don't contact them again reiterating them. They obviously see these as excuses and it won't make anything better. If you wanted to contact them then own your reasons. Tell them you understand why they're upset but you did what you felt was the best for you and your family at the time. If that's not something they can accept then that's fine, but you're sorry to lose them in your life.

And then let that be that. You made choices, and with that comes consequences, and you just have to live with that.

It’s very unforgivable

Would you be able to travel now to see them? Perhaps face to face contact would help. Hopefully your mother at least would be prepared to see you.
I think you were in a difficult position and I hope if I had been your sibling I would have been able to be more understanding.

When my mum died 2 years ago, I missed her funeral - we live over 100 miles away, myhusband had just had part of his lung removed and I was feeling dreadfully ill. In fact I was hospitalised 2 days later with sepsis.
I was so sad, but knew my mum would have said don't be daft - look after yourself. My sister understood completely- sometimes these things happen. My husband actually died just a few weeks later, I was more fortunate and recovered after three weeks in hospital.
I hope you can make your peace with your family - take care of yourself x

I don't think they're justified at all. I don't think people should feel pressured into going to funerals.

When DF passed I wasn’t able to attend the funeral as I was still bf the baby and had no childcare for older dc (DP couldn’t have had both dc alone and we have no help nearby)

If that's what was said at the time I can see they would be thinking why not bring the bf baby with & leave the older one with his dad.

Do they not believe that you had PND?

I'm sorry if you've covered this already @WouldyouNCthem but why couldn't you leave the oldest disabled dc with your partner and take your breastfed baby with you? I get that you couldn't leave both and I understand PND having had it twice, but I keep thinking back to being in a similar situation and having to travel 9 hours by train with a newborn and PND to bury my aunt it wasn't great or fun but it was doable and all I can see is your making excuses because you just couldn't be bothered to go.
I don't mean to be cruel but that's just how it comes across

Why couldn’t you and your DP both go to the funeral? Your DP could have stayed outside the venue with your older child, if necessary, but would still be supporting you.
I have to agree with other posters, that you really should have put your own issues to one side, and been there to support your DM and other family members. This was not about you.

You should have gone to the funeral. Sounds like you are making excuses to be honest. I wouldn't forgive a sibling who didn't attend the funeral.

It's really common for people to have great big unreasonable family bust-ups at the time of a death. There's not much acknowledgment of what grief does, so that people genuinely feel that if they are angry or hurt by something at that time, that it's not mendable and they'll never get over it.

Sometimes, unfortunately, that's true - my relationship with a brother in law was destroyed by my husbands death. But it isn't impossible this could change if youre motivated. I'd certainly try to make gentle contact with your mother- cards, calls. Based on trying to support her. Give it time.

They are being very harsh on you. You were very unwell at the time and I do hope you're feeling better now, OP.

Could you and your partner and the children not have all gone together? Difficult to form an opinion without knowing the background to your general relationship but I have to say my gut reaction if I was your siblings would be very angry and disappointed and yes, maybe even NC. You had a lot of problems but how do you know they didn’t also have other things to deal with besides the death of your father that compounded their grief? Do any of them have kids and/or MH issues? It does sound a bit like you’re making it a misery competition I’m afraid.

I don’t think they are over reacting at all to be honest, totally appreciate it was a tough time for you but I’d also struggle to forgive this if it was my sibling and can understand them going NC as a result

God I don't agree with most on here. They could have - arguably should have but who knows what they were experiencing too - helped you to come or visited you to give you a hug. Shunning someone does not make grief easier to bear, but making human connections can. They should have moved towards you not away.

I don't think your terrible pnd came from nowhere OP. I don't suppose you had an easy childhood in such an unforgiving environment. I'm sorry for your loss.

I’m am very surprised at the posters here saying there behaviour is justified. There are lots of reasons to not go and the siblings weren’t on their own.

It sounds like you have done enough about the funeral. Everyone here is a grown up and responsible for their own behaviour. If they want to speak to you they will. Focus on yourself and babies now.

I don't know - it's almost like you have an excuse for everything & have made it about you & yours. It was your fathers funeral for fuck sake, my brother didn't attend our DF's funeral & it really fucking hurt, our relationship will never be the same.

I'm not surprised they've gone NC, sounds to me like that may have been the final straw for them & that you've done similar stuff in the past.

You're just going to have to eat humble pie and apologise. The pnd is the only thing you've mentioned that comes close to an excuse for missing your own father's funeral. The fact that you don't see that is most unusual.

It sounds like you not going was the nail in the coffin.

You left and went to live 4 hours drive away - not ok
You weren’t there to support DF with ‘daily visits’ etc… - not ok (never mind you physically couldn’t)
You basically didn’t fill the role of the good older sibling that takes charge and looks after them - not ok
Then you didn’t go the funeral!! - not ok (regardless of the PND, the CS, your older child disabilities etc….)

I don’t think the NC is about the funeral as such. It’s about the fact you haven’t done what was expected from you for a long time. Hence your Dmother reaction etc… too.

In a different family, where people ar supportive if each other, your contributions would have been noticed. Of course, not the same than someone who is close by but still appreciated. The fact your PND was so severe that you nearly got admitted to hospital would have been noticed too.

I personally dint think you’ve done anything wrong. In my family, there has been many instances where one or more of the children wasn’t there for a funeral. (Distance has always been issue for us.) No one ever took it as personnal attack.

She's 4 hours drive away. She's not in Australia.

To be honest I wouldn't be happy with you either. You did say in your opening post "I'll be honest I didn't want to go"

You also say you couldn't have coped with the funeral emotionally but what about your siblings and your mother? You've made it all about you and minimised their grief in favour of yours. The father of your children should have put his big boy pants on and parented the two children he played a part in making to enable you to go even if it was just for the day.