Is this a reason to go NC with a sibling?

[WouldyouNCthem]

I have 3 siblings . When DF was very unwell I tried to be supportive (but I live 4 hours away and I don’t even drive plus have a severley
disabled child and a baby)

When DF passed I wasn’t able to attend the funeral as I was still bf the baby and had no childcare for older dc (DP couldn’t have had both dc alone and we have no help nearby)

Ill also be honest I didn’t want to go because I was suffering with PND and suffering the loss terribly.

My siblings have all gone NC with me due to this as they said I should have been supporting them and respecting DF by going to the funeral and helping DM with her loss. I tried really hard to explain but they’ve not wanted to understand at all and now I have no family as DM also won’t speak to me.

I'll assume you didn't really get on with your DF or DM to not make what seems to come across as a small sacrifice on your behalf.
Youll regret this later in life.
You need to reach out to your GP for help. You only get one life.

I think you’re missing the point.

ALL of these issues are complex on their own.
Its the fact they were all there TOGETHER that made it impossible for the OP to handle.

Plus what the OP describes isn’t just PND but post partum psychosis.

Maybe calling that would have made it clearer to them and many posters on this thread who seem so dismissive of PND 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I agree with this OP. I think if your family have the full information of why you couldn't attend then they aren't showing you any understanding or compassion. It sounds like attending wound have put yourself in danger (due to the severity of your pnd) and your children due to their needs and your lack of support. I would definitely not have gone nc with a sibling in this situation. My feeling is that they just did not understand the severity of your mental health and the situation with your children. I would keep reaching out and I'm sure time will heal. Be kind to yourself x

I am sorry for your loss OP and for the difficulties you are going through.

The majority of posters on here are incredibly harsh. I think you had good reasons not to go. As you said, your DF would have understood and anyway, he wouldn’t know you weren’t there!

I think your family are making it about them, it seems as if they are not even trying to understand. It sounds as if you did your best to support them whenever you were able. When you needed support with your MH, newborn and special needs child, all they are doing it making you feel worse. I think they are being unreasonable. Could you write to them all? Keep in touch with them and keep trying, give it time and I’m sure they’ll come round.

Don’t let any harsh comments on here get to you - it’s only the opinions of strangers on the internet.

Take care OP xx

I had an amazing relationship with my dad. I saw him more than anyone else . Not a great relationship ever with DM and my relationships with my siblings was ok

If you lived in Australia it wouid be understandable this simply isn't

OP you need to apologise profusely to your DM, explain that you have been really ill with PND and this meant you weren’t capable of making the necessary arrangements to care for your DC. In a better state of mind you might have been able to do it, although it would have been very difficult, but your mental health being what it was it was beyond you. They should surely understand this.

Try and get across that you truly wanted to be there and bitterly regret not being able to. I think if they know you have regrets they might soften. If you keep on with the excuses they won’t.

Do not talk about staying away because you were unable to face the coffin etc, it just sounds feeble and self indulgent.

I think they're being really nasty. You were ill, on top of your difficulties with childcare.

I don't buy this idea that they needed you to "support" them. They were there to support each other. And where's their support for you?

If I died some time soon and my kids had children, I'd prefer them to put their own wellbeing, breastfed baby and SEN child first, not my funeral. I'd hate it if one of my children got treated like you've been by the others.

I wouldn't go NC on that basis, no.

I expect the biggest issue is that you weren't able to support your DM. Could you try reaching out to her first and building bridges there before working on the sibling relationship?

Honestly it's got to be quite tough for a mother to cut out her daughter permanently so I believe there is a way back from this.

I can see this from both sides and it’s difficult without knowing the history of your family relationships - it sounds like you were not particularly close from what you have said already.

I can see why it would have been extremely difficult for you to attend. However, I can also understand why your mum and siblings feel so hurt over the situation. They probably feel that you should have made the effort no matter how difficult it was for you. You say you have tried to explain to them but in their eyes this may just look like a list of excuses. They will not understand PND if they haven’t experienced it themselves.

I think you should write to them and acknowledge the hurt that has been caused by you not attending - explain that you love them and you want a relationship with them. You honestly felt you had no option at the time but you wish you could have attended. Say you understand why they are angry with you but you would like to repair the relationship (even just a phone call or a short meet up). They may not respond straight away but maybe with time they will feel they can contact you.

Maybe a gesture like sending your mum some flowers or something would help?

I would understand OP and I think that your family members have been very harsh tbh. Has anyone come down to help you out at any point?

It sounds like they might be supporting your DM on this.

I think you need to try and repair relations with her first. If you can apologise, explain and get her on side first, you may find it easier with your siblings.

Too add I also feel your family are being harsh on you. Your DF wouldn’t want this for you and like you say would have been more understanding of the situation.

This.

I’d have been incredibly hurt if my siblings hadn’t attended either of our parents’ funerals — but I like to think I’d try to understand and wouldn’t go NC over it.

(One of my siblings did absolutely NOTHING to help when our DM died — came to the funeral but that was literally it. We fell out about it — I was upset by what I saw as a lack of support, especially as I was also trying to work and look after DC, whereas my sibling doesn’t work and has adult DC — but we made up because life’s too short sometimes to bear grudges…)

I hope your family do decide to get back in touch, OP. Do you think it might help if your DP tried to speak to them and explain on your behalf?

I tried really hard to help all throughout being pregnant (I literally found out I was pregnant and that DF had a terminal diagnosis in the same week) . I went there a lot to help/ support etc and when I couldn’t make it I was contributing as DM just couldn’t cope at all and they needed help , I was also trying to help with various other things too remotely it wasn’t as if I left them to it and didn’t help. I’d never have done that.

OP I'm really sorry to hear about the many difficulties that you have had.
I absolutely would not go NC with a sibling for this. Grief is a very personal thing and my belief is that there isn't a right or wrong way to experience this.

I could be completely wrong here but I wonder with regard to your loneliness and missing of your family, if you are missing the reality or a nice idea of them?

This and I'm sorry but your excuses seem very lame. Everyone is upset when their parents die. I'd be really pissed off if my siblings missed a parents funeral for the reasons you've given. Most people would move hell and high water to be there

I forgot to add in my post OP, I would have found your situation just as difficult and I wouldn’t have been able to see a way of attending. I’m surprised that conversations didn’t take place beforehand to see how the family could make it possible for you to attend. It isn’t all on you.

If you were my sibling I would understand op. No one chooses to be in your position and it sounds overwhelming even just one of those things. PND, a disabled child, a newborn and the death of your father is obviously too much.

In the end you had to ensure you did not have a complete breakdown, you were protecting your children by not doing something that you knew would tip you over the edge. You took care of yourself because you can not afford not to. Not for anyone. You had two children that were entirely dependent on you not going into freefall.

Go and see your - just you and her and tell her everything. If she still chooses to stop contact, then she might need more time. There are ways you can mark your fathers passing if you choose to. Planting a tree, having a memorial which you can now attend, having a special event to mark how much he meant to you. The funeral is not the only way you can pay your respects and blessings.

I suspect your mother was extremely upset that you were not there, and in the midst of their grief could not understand how hard it was for you at the time op. Your siblings are probably cross because it made harder for your mother and for them, but in time they might come to see things differently. Let time heal, and make the most of your young family - don't let this overshadow your life. You did not choose this op.

Every time I’d get there I’d literally walk in the door and DM would be at me with a list of things she needed help with and DF would say ‘hang on hang on ! How are you ? How’s Dp? How’s Ds?’
My siblings would call as soon as DM had text them that I’m was there telling me what needed doing etc . It wasn’t that I wasn’t helping I think I just wasn’t there when they wanted me to be and when I told them I was pregnant at 14 weeks they were all unhappy saying did that mean I wouldn’t be helping as much (at that point we thought DF had longer than ended up being the case and they were concerned about long term help)

I would never speak to my sibling again for as long as I lived to be honest. It's unforgivable in my opinion.

I think you need to take a step back, make sure you are well and then worry about addressing the situation with your family.
You had your reasons and you can't change the decision now. It's done.
What you can change is how you are feeling and healing your own mental health. Once you are back to yourself then you need to ensure your partner is capable of looking after both children by themselves. I have no doubt you do it often and they should be able to do the same.
You need to sort your support at home first,
Once you have done these things take some time to reach out to your mum.
Right now they are hurting to and I think to all need some space and you especially need to work on healing. X

When my DM passed, my DB didn't attend her funeral due to mental health reasons. I have never held it against him and never would. To me, a funeral is simply a chance to say goodbye and think of the memories your loved one left behind. You don't need to attend a funeral to do that - you can say goodbye in your own way, and it doesn't mean you loved or cared for them any less.
I'm sorry your lost more after losing your DF. I know it's hard, but try focusing on your DP and DC for now - hopefully in time your siblings will want to talk to you. You could always try a letter if you haven't already 💐

This too. What happens if at some point he has to watch both of them?
If your DS is very disabled then you probably shouldn't have had another child, knowing that your dp couldn't "cope".
I expect in time once your DM and siblings have grieved and then get on with their lives they will realise they were wrong to go NC with you.
I suggest you keep getting support from your GP and health care visitors for your PND.
I do think you are making some lousy excuses though, such as not wanting to see the coffin.

I don't know, OP, something tells me that even if you'd been sectioned and physically restrained, they would still have said you were making excuses.

FWIW, I think @DullFanFiction has called this correct. If they're all still living very close by and you had the temerity to move away, you have been unforgiven from that point onwards. Would your DF have been upset that you weren't there? Would he have understood? He's all that matters. The rest is just putting on a good show to hide the cracks.