Is this a reason to go NC with a sibling?

[WouldyouNCthem]

I have 3 siblings . When DF was very unwell I tried to be supportive (but I live 4 hours away and I don’t even drive plus have a severley
disabled child and a baby)

When DF passed I wasn’t able to attend the funeral as I was still bf the baby and had no childcare for older dc (DP couldn’t have had both dc alone and we have no help nearby)

Ill also be honest I didn’t want to go because I was suffering with PND and suffering the loss terribly.

My siblings have all gone NC with me due to this as they said I should have been supporting them and respecting DF by going to the funeral and helping DM with her loss. I tried really hard to explain but they’ve not wanted to understand at all and now I have no family as DM also won’t speak to me.

How disgusting. Many women can't make those journeys.
SHE HAD PND. Should she just hop on a train with all of her stuff? Drive, and go and breast feed in a service station? let's hope her baby doesn't scream for the whole journey!
Her partner didn't feel comfortable dealing with both kids. Because one is severely special needs.
Her reasons for not going are very valid.

You are lacking empathy to a shocking degree.

She wanted opinions I gave an honest one the other issues are valid ( mental health ) but I can imagine if she said she can't travel they'd have no sympathy with that part.

Completely agree with this ^

I’m so sorry about everything you have been dealing with, it can’t have been easy.

i have to say that I feel a certain sympathy with your siblings although I don’t think I would have gone NC in response. It feels a bit like you are laying on the ‘excuses’ as if you are trying to bomb them with reasons until they’ve to accept your decision.

This, at the same time as they and your mum are all trying to deal with and process their own grief and feelings of loss. They probably feel (not necessarily rightly) that grief should trump everything else.

It probably didn’t help if you told them about your coffin fear as they may have felt you were making everything about you, and that you were saying that their grief was not as important as yours.

I think, if I were in your shoes, I might write to each of them. I’d start by saying you totally understand their reactions and that you are really sorry for upsetting them; that the truth is you were in a very bad place mentally and were not in a fit physical or mental state to attend the funeral, although you really wanted to go.

Don’t mention childcare or not feeling you could leave your DC - I’d say this feels more like an excuse than a valid reason - but do say you were worried that you falling apart at the funeral would have been the last thing anyone would have wanted to deal with.

I’d say how very sad you are that you couldn’t be there, but I wouldn’t make any reference to the things you did before your dad died - to be honest, this isn’t really relevant, from what you say your siblings’ anger is focused on your non attendance at the funeral.

Tell them you love them and never meant to hurt them, and that you hope that you can all restore your relationships whenever they’re ready to do so.

At least that way you’ve done your best and left the doors open for reconciliation.

I think for now all you can do is accept it. It was unfortunate timing to become pregnant at the same time as your DF being unwell. It sounds more like it was he pnd than other things. Were it not for that, you probably could have taken both children with your DP. I note you don't put that as an option, however, if your MH was so bad that you could not leave your house and were seen daily by MH team, it doesn't sound like it was feasible. I think you may have put forward your reason poorly to your family, as you have here, by giving multiple less understandable reasons rather than focusing on the main block which was the pnd. Perhaps trying too hard to justify, which doesn't need doing as your MH was enough reason of its own. If you make a list of reasons, it weakens the argument.
How is it though, that you still claim that had the DC's been manageable by your DP, you would of been able to travel ? Surely this is not the case as somebody with such poor MH would not be in a fit state to travel even without DC's?

This was my point if she explained her struggles mentally as a sibling I'd have been forgiving but saying things like I can't get a babysitter or I can't travel with a baby that's gonna piss people off.

People in this thread demonstrating that they don't understand what a state some women are in after giving birth, physically and mentally.
If I'd had another child to deal with on top of my non sleeping newborn id have gone mad. I would've needed sectioning I think, or sending to the knackers yard, let alone dealing with one with high SEN needs. I was so physicall ill I nearly had a nervous breakdown when they said I might need to accompany my baby to the local hospital because of jaundice. I would not have been up the motorway to see my mum no matter how ill or dead she was. No matter how much I would have wanted to.

Sorry for your loss OP. Your dad sounds lovely.

The rest of your family are being completely unfair and unkind. I'd consider just letting them get on with it. You've done nothing wrong.

I'll add tk this,

They will never be there for you in the way they expected you to be there for them

I understand why your siblings are disappointed but it’s not a reason to go NC with you.

I have a friend who had PND and it was no joke. Then all the other things on top of that, I can understand why going to the funeral felt impossible.

The only person I told about my coffin fears / nightmares / hallucinations was DP and my nurse.

I know I hurt them all and i do feel awful that I upset them, I just felt unable to cope with anything at all

Nah they are just using you as the scapegoat. Makes them feel better to make you feel bad.

You've done nothing wrong. Focus on your own family and let the others be.

but I wonder if you’ve approached this in a certain way. If you’ve made it about your needs, your feelings and your reasons,

I think that it is sounding this way rather than it being the PND making it impossible.

OP I think the issue is you keep giving your reasons and it’s very “I’m sorry but…” which means your not really sorry.

If you do say anything to them just say what you are actually sorry for. Like you’re sorry you weren’t there for them. You’re sorry you let them down. Don’t add a but or a reason.

I felt the funeral would be too much for me and just couldn’t face it as was so so upset

Your siblings and mother were upset too but they managed to go to funeral. I would probably cut off a sibling if they didn't attend one of my parents funerals.

I think it’s because they questioned me so much at the time telling me to state reasons that I keep feeling like I have to keep saying why

Having read all your posts, I agree with PPs that they're using you as a scapegoat/grief displacement. I suggest you e-mail or send a letter one last time giving detailed reasons and then it's up to them.

I'd find it strange, but no, I wouldn't go no contact with you. You would still be my sibling who I loved dearly, regardless of your decisions.

You've apologised. You've explained what happened. They don't want to let it go because they've found it's a good stick to beat you with.

What would your dad tell you to do? Probably to take care of yourself and your babies, right? Do that. If your mum and siblings are decent people they'll eventually come around.

Comedycook · Today 19:32
I imagine for your family there was also the embarrassment factor.... people at the funeral asking where you were?”

Really?

I’d be more concerned about a sibling struggling with obvious difficulties than what other people might think.

This is precisely why my husband and I want direct cremations.

Your posts seem quite disjointed and you've thrown out a lot of red herrings. If that's how you have come across to your family then they are probably confused and feel like it's too many excuses.

The bottom line is that you couldn't leave the house due to your MH and were almost sectioned. This is the most relevant piece of information, the only important bit.

If your DH was working then presumably you were left alone with both DC for some periods of time so the "he couldn't be alone with them" is full of holes.

Saying you couldnt go because you couldn't cope would just upset everyone as no one wants to go to a funeral, especially not of a family member. Everyone just HAS to cope.

It seems like you've thrown too much information at them and missed the important bit

Based on this OP I think there is every justification for you to go nc on them! Your DF knew how much you loved him and would have understood your reasons for not attending his funeral with kindness and compassion. I don't think you need these other people in your life.

My sister pretty much opted out when my mother was ill, dying and after she died. I think she would claim anxiety. Thing is, it was emotionally really difficult for me too, but I did not feel I had the option to opt out, as someone had to take care of things. It has caused a lot of resentment between us.

I dont think someone not coming to a funeral would be enough to NC, but I wonder if they have felt let down by you before? Or felt you let down your DM? Its hard to do everything, and I am sorry you have been struggling. You have a lot on your plate. If she had been honest with me, I may have felt more sympathetic to her if she was struggling. As it is, it feels like there were just a lot of excuses for her not to do anything difficult which left the lions share of the load for me.

But that was then and this is now. You can be more rational about it now.

I had PND so I totally understand the absolute extremities of it but there are things that I am sorry in that time and it’s not I’m sorry but I had PND.

It’s also that you are blaming them for you explaining repeatedly. You’re blaming PND and your circumstances. I don’t think you need to attach blame because they were all going through stuff but you can say sorry. Sorry should be the last word not the first followed by reasons you feel justified because even though they are justifiable all it does is minimise how sorry you feel.

You could say “I had PND and I couldn’t get the kids there or care for them. I wish I could have been there. I should have been there. I’m sorry.” All of that is true without negating you or them.

I should have been there can apply to a partner not making it to a birth because there was an accident on the road or whatever. Should doesn’t mean could if that makes sense?

It may well be the PND did make it impossible. I’m just wondering if @WouldyouNCthem communicated it in such a way that meant the family took it the wrong way. I wonder if it was more of a communication breakdown.