He still hasn't proposed - I really need some help

[Elliegeez]

The bottom line is that we've been together 13 years and he has still not proposed.

We talked about it in the early days, we both said we wanted to be married one day.

I wanted it to be a surprise so I never wanted to talk about it, I just assumed he would do it.

Then time marched on...

I imagined that he was planning to do it on this holiday, or that trip, or that Christmas.

Then it had been so long that it seemed hard to start the conversation. The longer I leave it, the harder it is. I just don't know how to start the conversation.

I'm sure that we want to be together forever and that we were just meant to be but now I'm starting to feel so angry and upset that I think it's affecting our relationship.

I've tried hints like looking at rings, showing him rings. I even said over a year ago that I wanted to be married by the time I was 40 he said "you better move quick then" and I said "no you better move quick". Then I waited....then I turned 40.

I know he doesn't know how much it's upsetting me and I know I need to talk about it, I just don't know how.

What should I say first? What situation? I've tried just getting drunk, hoping it would fall out, but that didn't work either.

Anytime we watch anything with a wedding or a proposal I just feel so sad.

Please help me.

You could propose to him.

Propose or discuss directly. You have done enough waiting

Just bloody propose yourself

I'm on my 2nd marriage and have never been proposed to. We discussed it, wanted to do it, so did it.

He doesn't want to be married. If he did, you'd be married by now.

Just tell him. Say you really love him and want to get married.

Why didn’t you just propose to him when you first felt the time was right?

I bet its money. He hasn’t asked because he doesn’t want to pay for a wedding.

Talk to him!

Yo don’t need some textbook proposal to get married but it sounds like it’s more about the proposal than the marriage. Ask him if he wants to get married then take it from there.

Just tell him you want to get married and you don't want to leave it any longer.

“Hey Fred, why aren’t we married?”

How have you organised yourselves financially? Do you have any paperwork in place about next of kin, will, who owns your house, do you have kids?

I don't think he wants to marry you. I'm sorry to say but given his sarky retort of you better be quick it seems to me you're good enough for right now but he doesn't see you as good enough for forever. That's obviously shit and so I wouldn't allow myself to be treated like a placeholder. I would be saying marriage is important to me as you know, so I'd like to set a date for Autumn 2024 and go from there.

Thanks for your suggestion, I actually had a dream where I was going to propose, I just could never do it

I'm not sure I would feel that I wanted to marry someone that I couldn't talk to in an open and honest way.

Talk to each other.

Communication is everything.

You need to read “The Rules”.

I’m flabbergasted anyone would stay in a relationship with someone for so many years accepting second best. If you want marriage then stop wasting your time with this one.

Just propose to him? Why should he hold all the cards?

Do you want the proposal and the wedding, or the marriage? They're v different things...

If your partner isn't someone you can have this conversation with, I'd probably reconsider

So we bought a house together which I think is even more commitment than marriage. He knows I don't want a big expensive wedding.

Don't adults in this day and age simply discuss getting married? Then just do it.

I wouldn't make any life plans, like buying a house, with anyone without that discussion.

Do you have children together?

It sounds nuts but I read ‘The Rules’ when I’d just turned 30 and was married within the year. We’ve just celebrated our 23rd anniversary. I do think that book had something to do with it.

If he wanted to marry you, he would have fallen over himself to make it happen.

I can't believe you've waited 13 whole years so far.

Surely you should have a discussion about the terms of a marriage before you commit to it.

Expectations
Old age arrangements
Children
Inheritance
Housework
Career
Conflict resolution
Wedding budget

All these things need to be discussed in advance before you agree to sign your life away on a legal contract that costs thousands to get out of, if you're unhappy.

Real life isn't a Disney film. You absolutely need to discuss it first. He can always plan a proposal and surprise you with it after you've both agreed you want to marry.

But to be honest, I'd be preparing to leave him if he doesn't want the formality of a marriage and you do.

Bloomin hell. Just 'shall we get married then?'.

Proposals are all very 90s.
I mean I'm sure they still happen but...I dunno, I can't imagine having been with someone long enough to want to marry them and for us not to be discussing these things and where we are at with them.

Are you sure you aren't just with him because you don't want to be single? Or vice versa?

Because not being able to communicate this with him 13 years in... it's mad!

Well he's not keen, is he? But that doesn't necessarily mean he's not keen on you. Maybe he needs a push. There's no point waiting any longer - you've waited an inordinate amount of time as it is. You're going to have to ask him - in my marriage all the major life decisions have arisen from a conversation I started. Some men just coast along. A marriage is a legal and financial decision as much as a romantic one.

13 years and a mortgage and you're too chicken to say 'beloved, I want to get married. Can we do it next year please?' Oh dear.

No we don't have children. That was something we decided.

I want the marriage. I fed up of calling him my "boyfriend" it sounds so childish and so insignificant for what our relationship is.