He still hasn't proposed - I really need some help

[Elliegeez]

The bottom line is that we've been together 13 years and he has still not proposed.

We talked about it in the early days, we both said we wanted to be married one day.

I wanted it to be a surprise so I never wanted to talk about it, I just assumed he would do it.

Then time marched on...

I imagined that he was planning to do it on this holiday, or that trip, or that Christmas.

Then it had been so long that it seemed hard to start the conversation. The longer I leave it, the harder it is. I just don't know how to start the conversation.

I'm sure that we want to be together forever and that we were just meant to be but now I'm starting to feel so angry and upset that I think it's affecting our relationship.

I've tried hints like looking at rings, showing him rings. I even said over a year ago that I wanted to be married by the time I was 40 he said "you better move quick then" and I said "no you better move quick". Then I waited....then I turned 40.

I know he doesn't know how much it's upsetting me and I know I need to talk about it, I just don't know how.

What should I say first? What situation? I've tried just getting drunk, hoping it would fall out, but that didn't work either.

Anytime we watch anything with a wedding or a proposal I just feel so sad.

Please help me.

Sorry OP but it doesn't sound like you are right for each other if you can't communicate? You've been together 13 years, why do you feel the need the pluck up the courage to openly say I want to get married, and I don't want to wait any longer. Communication is so important, and it doesn't sound like you are able to do this effectively.

Sorry My Cousin Vinny

Distracted by the Cat and a chocolate Cornetto.

I'd breezily say

I would love to try x restaurant. Susie said it was amazing & then I had this little fantasy that we could get married one afternoon at the registry office & go there for tea & splash out on a bottle of champagne & that would be perfect. Just thought I'd share my thoughts in case you're ever in any danger of proposing. Just so you know, I don't want lots of whistles & bells-I'd be happy with you lying there on the sofa & saying I love you & want to marry you, do you fancy it? Just so you know 😉

Ball is then entirely in his court, you've shared a wee story & also laid yourself bare without any major panic or expectation of anyone but also very clear wishes.

Whatever you do, I hope it pans out for the best

OP, has he been married before? Is there an ex wife or children from a previous relationship?

Why are you giving him so much power over your life? Why do you need to ask? You say:”This is how I want to live my life: I want to be married and if you don’t, ok I’ll find someone who does”.

I'll be honest. If someone doesn't want to marry someone even though they know it's important to them...is that person reaallllly going to be someone who will nurse them through say a serious illness or the like....? Or do they really have one eye on the door and one toe out of it.

Personally I want someone who will look after me through cancer/on my deathbed or whatever. The bare MINIMUM I'd want in advance is a marriage cert.

It's very easy for him to TALK about your future. Look at what he DOES (or doesn't) do.

"If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it"

Men FUCKING KNOW that women want a romantic proposal and a wedding and a marriage. Or, if their woman is the 1% who doesn't, they know that and her reasons why. So if he's not giving you it, then why.

To flowersome, F that.
Men need brief and direct communication.
😛

Thank you! Just wondered.

I think all the posters saying the OP should ask her bf are missing the point. He clearly doesn’t want to get married to OP. I’ve been there. Left after a 5 years, married and had a baby with someone else who I felt I didn’t have to coerce into any of these things. Best decision.

Is there a reason why you want to be married, OP? I'm asking because I've never wanted it. Many, many years ago I said to my partner (can't remember the context - it may have been on hearing of his younger sister's third wedding - which ended in a third divorce) "Gosh, I'm 40-whatever years old and I've never been married, not even once! My life has been a miserable failure!" Missing the tone, he promptly proposed to me, and I had to explain that I was joking.

We have periodically discussed doing it for tax purposes, but never got round to it.

Jesus we really make men's lives so easy don't we! A bloody proposal with him lying on the sofa? After 13 years? FFS.

Surely even your stupidest bloke could ask his pals "hey, how did you propose to Sarah?" and rustle up a dinner/beach walk, some flowers and a few words?

If he's that useless that a proposal is beyond him, you want him as a life partner?

I even said over a year ago that I wanted to be married by the time I was 40 he said "you better move quick then

There is something cruel and quite heartless about this OP. He fucking well knows what you want, what most women want, and it was a poor response. He said that because he knew that by displaying that kind of passivity, it would take the wind out of your sails.

I think a few posters here are massively missing the point and the emotional context behind this.

Most women want to feel like they have been actively chosen to be the wife of their partner. They don't want a luke warm, pallid 'Oh I suppose' or 'If you want to'.

If he wanted to marry you, he would have asked years ago. Despite being with you for such a long time, he's probably been content all these years to simply coast along.

There doesn't seem to be a shortage of men like that in particular. They find a pleasant enough woman who fills enough of their sexual and emotional needs, they're faithful to her, but they've never felt anything truly deep towards their female partner. Never actively chosen her to be their life partner, and never wanted to make such a deceleration to anybody, never felt that bolt of certainly. Just a sort of vague, casual contentment of 'Yeah I suppose she'll do'. They never break up with their partner because no one better came along. They feel no pressure to propose because they've gotten to the point where they feel confident enough that you'll never leave.

I'm not saying that such arrangements are bad, as long as both parties are happy with it, but you're not.

If he's that useless that a proposal is beyond him, you want him as a life partner?

That works both ways.

It's 2024, FFS!

If she asks him she can then leave and look for someone else. But we all know she won't ask but if she did and he said no, she'd still stay.

@buckeejit

I don't want lots of whistles & bells-I'd be happy with you lying there on the sofa & saying I love you & want to marry you, do you fancy it? Just so you know

I don't think I'd be one for a massive wedding, but Jesus, talk about voluntarily lowering the bar right down to the ground!

She shouldn't have to spell out exactly how little she's willing to accept. He knows what she wants. She's done enough hinting. At this point it would be grovelling to ask for more.

Ohh sorry I'm also in the if he wanted to, he would have camp. 🙈

Proposals on tv or in flims are scripted, created by a paid writer, acted out by professionals, shot and re-shot until the sunset etc is perfect. They are not real. But they create a false ideal.

I work with couples getting married. I've heard hundreds of proposal stories. Many of them are desperately unromantic or go hilariously wrong. Often the person proposing feels under ridiculous stress and pressure.

Do yourselves both a favour. Tell him you'd have loved a romantic surprise, but the bottom line is that it is unfair on your both, and at the end of the day you'd really rather just be married. Then go ahead and plan it.

Yeah but most men know women secretly want to be proposed to. And he almost certainly knows she's gagging for it.

It would be kinder for these lukewarm men to dump the woman in question than string them along for years. But they won't because they are lazy and cowardly. Warm bed and dinner on the table, they won't rock the boat.

MOST women secretly want to be proposed to, that should say.

OP, I hope you are ok. I remember posting her at the time my "fiancee" was refusing to set a date and every poster was telling me the same thing. It was quite upsetting to see what I knew in my heart in black and white.

It's ok to want to be married. And it's ok to tell him that. See what he says. And then you make your decisions accordingly.

Why is marriage important to you ?

Just tell him one evening: “‘you know what? I am really sad that you never asked me to marry you. I am nervous to bring it up as I might get emotional, but there you go…”

then leave that out there until HE says something (don’t jump in and make excuses/explanations yourself)

This is exactly what I wanted to say. I think you have to stare the truth in the face, OP. He knew you wanted to be married at 40, and he did nothing. This tells you something very important: he does not care about your feelings.

Don't propose to him. Instead, I'd calmly state what I've said above, and say that you're no longer sure you want to continue the relationship. Value yourself. Tell him you expect better, and deserve better, and his behaviour has demonstrated that he's not the man you thought he was.

I think you have to be prepared to walk away, because self-love and dignity are far, far more precious than life with a man who doesn't care about you enough to make you happy.

I agree with the people saying that if he wanted to marry you, you’d be married already. (For at least a decade.) I wouldn’t propose to him; if he says yes, you’ll still have to live with the knowledge that he only said yes because you asked after thirteen years. He wasn’t eager to make the relationship official in the legal sense. He didn’t want to marry you, ASAP, in case you got fed up with him and left. You even told him that you want to get married and he made a snotty remark!

I think you either have to accept that he doesn’t want to marry you, and stay in spite of that, or leave the relationship.

I was with my my husband for almost 10 years before he proposed, we bought a house together and I wanted to be married, when he did finally propose during a trip to California we then waited a further 8 years before getting married. My husband is very laid back, but we did talk about it so he knew I wanted to get married.