He still hasn't proposed - I really need some help

[Elliegeez]

The bottom line is that we've been together 13 years and he has still not proposed.

We talked about it in the early days, we both said we wanted to be married one day.

I wanted it to be a surprise so I never wanted to talk about it, I just assumed he would do it.

Then time marched on...

I imagined that he was planning to do it on this holiday, or that trip, or that Christmas.

Then it had been so long that it seemed hard to start the conversation. The longer I leave it, the harder it is. I just don't know how to start the conversation.

I'm sure that we want to be together forever and that we were just meant to be but now I'm starting to feel so angry and upset that I think it's affecting our relationship.

I've tried hints like looking at rings, showing him rings. I even said over a year ago that I wanted to be married by the time I was 40 he said "you better move quick then" and I said "no you better move quick". Then I waited....then I turned 40.

I know he doesn't know how much it's upsetting me and I know I need to talk about it, I just don't know how.

What should I say first? What situation? I've tried just getting drunk, hoping it would fall out, but that didn't work either.

Anytime we watch anything with a wedding or a proposal I just feel so sad.

Please help me.

Please remembervthat if you feel like you ‘need to pluck the courage to ask him’, he might well feel the same about asking you!

Make it nice and romantic, just like you’d want it to be.
The important bit is for you two to come together. Its not whoever asks the question!

What do you need a proposal for? Just decide to book a date at the registry office and get the job done.

13 years! 😱

I was married two and a half years after meeting DH. Then had our first baby shortly afterwards. I didn't see the point of hanging around. If you know you know! Ten minutes at registry office was all it took.

Sorry but that ship has sailed. You're together 13 years with a house.
Just ask him "so when are we getting married?" And see what he says.

Personally I think he doesn't want to and is happy as you are. But would you be happy with that? If all you want is a proposal and not to use the term "boyfriend" I'm not sure marriage is the right thing. Just call him your partner and be done with it.

What a fannying about some people do. Just get on with it OP! Be matter of fact.

You say upthread OP that you (a) want the lovely moment of the proposal and (b) to be married because boyfriend sounds childish.

You might have better reasons too of course, but these aren’t massively good reasons, and you’ve effectively held yourself hostage with the first and made yourself a passenger in your own life.

Perhaps you don’t want to discuss it because if you just say “let’s get married” you’re not going to get that special surprise proposal you want. But I think that moment has passed anyway after 13 years seeing as you’re so upset!

Your relationship sounds good so if I were you I’d just ask for what I want, and focus on trying to build confidence and values so your self worth isn’t reliant on - let’s face it - quite cliched gestures that don’t necessarily prove anything. You’ve had 13 years of commitment - some people get the shiny proposal but don’t get that! 💐

Jesus H. What's a proper proposal"? Romantic claptrap. Why do you think you want this, OP?

If you can't talk to your partner openly and honestly about marriage, how much of a partnership is it?

Just say "You know I want to be married no later than 40yrs of age, I'll be 41 in X months, so does my white frock need to be summery or more wintery as I'll need to buy it soon."

Then start planning the wedding.

If he tries to avoid agreeing to anything, start planning your separation.

I presume you are scared that if you broach the subject, he will say something you don't want to hear. Something that makes you realise your fear that you're only "Miss Right Now".

I was in a similar boat. I was "engaged" (with a fuck off Tiffany diamond he gave me in Rome) but he refused to actually marry me. I left. I'm still single but I'm no longer living a lie.

Agree with PPs who have recommended "The Rules".

I’m usually the kind reasonable one on Mumsnet but I have to say that this post does make me mad!! Sorry op!

What the hell is wrong with modern society in the uk that women still want a man to ‘choose’ them? Your self esteem needs validation by him getting down on one knee and giving you a ring, right?

I dread to think how many marriages have had that ‘perfect’ start and go on to be terrible, or even abusive. A perfect proposal is a fiction.

Talk to him, please!!! Tell him how important this is to you in simple, straightforward terms.

IF this is SO important to you (which I think is reasonable, marriage gives a lot of assurance, tax benefits etc) and IF he’s as great as you say he is, then he’ll understand and you can plan the next steps. Simple.

if he is STILL evasive after ALL this time - he is wilfully going against something important to you and might not be your guy. There I said it.

(My DH and I have been married 10 years. He’d made noises that he was keen on it, then I instigated a conversation and we decided there and then, like equal adults. No proposal needed. We went and bought a ring for fun a few weeks later, together.

I hope it works out for you OP. Come on, it’s 2024, you go get the life you want, ok?!

Do you have trouble communicating g with him generally - struggle to tell him stuff you want or don’t want? Or is it just about this?

Are you afraid to talk about it because you don’t want to hear a direct ‘I dont want to get married’ or you fear it will cause him to leave you? Have a think about this. If he said he didn’t want to marry you, would that be a deal breaker for you?

’Can we have a chat tonight….there’s something important I’d really like to talk about’
By text ‘ I really want to talk about if we are going to get married…but I don’t know how to start the conversation. Please can you start it, as it’s something I’m desperate to talk about, but do t know how to. Thank you. I love you’
’Bit awkward, but….Can we have the tricky talk about marriage/getting married in the next week please’

Sounds to me like the stuff about wanting him to spontaneously propose is a boat which has sailed, and now you’d just like to be married. Fair enough. Be prepared to be flexible about the kind of wedding you’d like etc and focus just on being married - after all, it’s what’s important, not the day itself.

And do think beforehand as well if your desire to get married is related to having children too. Be honest with yourself and with him too…because a conversation about children might be needed too as part of it.

Be brave. Be prepared to not hear exactly what you want. If you need to give him time to think, put some timescales on it so it’s not totally open ended. If it’s important to you, it has to be discussed. But it’s his choice if he wants to get married and you’ll have to accept his decision.

Wow so many messages. Thank you all.

I've realised that even if I ask him and he says he doesn't want to get married (which I know he does), then I really won't be that bothered. I think I would feel better knowing that it will never happen rather than just hoping.

Just talk to him - discuss it - don't sit about waiting for some romantic surprise. That's not how it works in 2024 ,,,,, 1824 maybe, but not now!!! Just do it.

OP don't kid yourself.
You want to be married.
Otherwise you wouldn't have started the thread and wouldn't be using the phrase "hoping for it".

I really wouldn't mind, I just need to know.

Nah. No one is buying that.

I told people I'd rather live with my boyfriend unmarried than not have him at all. Bollocks. I wanted marriage and kids. Fortunately he did something awful and I left.

Literally ask him now. 9pm on a Tuesday night, why not? Then come back and let us know! I genuinely don't know what's stopping you. You've said you just need to know either way.

Wow - you have completely surrendered control and your ultimate happiness. Made it dependent on what someone else may or may not do. Why?

Where is he now? Stop posting here and get it done.

This does NOT ring true.

about this time a few years back I said to my now DH,
“you want to marry me, I want to marry you, pick your moment but I’d like a proposal by year end. If you don’t propose I will take it as a sign and will make my plans accordingly”

he said “that sounds ominous. What kind of a sign would it be?”

I said “well it would be a sign you don’t want to marry me. And if you don’t want to marry me I need to know…. So I can make my plans accordingly”

then we did a day out to try on rings in late August and I showed him what I liked and he picked one in his own time and proposed in winter

So ask

As delphinium said and then come back and tell us. Good luck. All fingers crossed for you ❤️

I pretty much forced my DH to propose. He used to ignore me if I asked him, so people who suggest that, it's not the same at all.

We've been married years now and all is ok. But it still rankles and we had a row recently about it as he pretty much confirmed he didn't want to get married when we did. It was important to me. It wasn't important to him tho so we had a small wedding, etc.

The thing is that you want him to want to and he may now ever really see the need or the why...

In happier news my bil and sil got married after 13 years, made a massive fuss doing so and are equally happy years later.

I sent my boyfriend (at the time) wedding venues I liked, and said what do you think? He freaked out at first but agreed. We booked one of the venues I’d sent him, he still hadn’t proposed by that point. He eventually did and our engagement announcement was also the save the date announcement. Take the bull by the horns!

if it’s a make or break thing for you, and he’s not reacting… maybe he’s not the one for you?! If he wanted to marry you, you’d be married. Take you (completely) off the market. OR, he could be waiting for you to speak up. Maybe he doesn’t know how to approach the subject after so long?

so he knows you dont want an expensive wedding, and he knows you want him to propose, and he knew you wanted it before you were 40... and it still didnt happen?

it really irratates me when people do this whole 'show' of 'we're engaged' and all the fake happy insta posts of well manicured nails and 'the ring'. marriage is about more than that and i get the feeling you want the whole 'surprise proposal'

just ask him, you've been together 13 years, ask him 'are we getting married or not?'

Nah, OP. You’ll be bothered. Or you should be.

I would seriously pack my bags if he says he doesn’t want to just get on and do it at this point.

Hell, I’m starting to get angry for you now and I don’t even know you!