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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He still hasn't proposed - I really need some help

398 replies

Elliegeez · 16/07/2024 19:55

The bottom line is that we've been together 13 years and he has still not proposed.

We talked about it in the early days, we both said we wanted to be married one day.

I wanted it to be a surprise so I never wanted to talk about it, I just assumed he would do it.

Then time marched on...

I imagined that he was planning to do it on this holiday, or that trip, or that Christmas.

Then it had been so long that it seemed hard to start the conversation. The longer I leave it, the harder it is. I just don't know how to start the conversation.

I'm sure that we want to be together forever and that we were just meant to be but now I'm starting to feel so angry and upset that I think it's affecting our relationship.

I've tried hints like looking at rings, showing him rings. I even said over a year ago that I wanted to be married by the time I was 40 he said "you better move quick then" and I said "no you better move quick". Then I waited....then I turned 40.

I know he doesn't know how much it's upsetting me and I know I need to talk about it, I just don't know how.

What should I say first? What situation? I've tried just getting drunk, hoping it would fall out, but that didn't work either.

Anytime we watch anything with a wedding or a proposal I just feel so sad.

Please help me.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 16/07/2024 20:06

Id just have the conversation. 'are we going to book this wedding or not, I don't want to waste my time waiting anymore ' . Then just do it.

AndThatsItReally · 16/07/2024 20:06

Marriage is a legal contract affecting property, money, children maybe and your rights. If you both want to enter into that contract you need to discuss it and agree.
This is crucial if you are financially vulnerable or if you have a lot of money and he doesn't.

A wedding is just a party - with or without a religious aspect. You don't need a wedding.
A proposal is just a gesture - you don't need a proposal.

Start with the legal contract. Is that what you both want? if it is then talk about the wedding - as large or small as you want. And if you agree you want that... then why don't you propose?

Tittyfilarious · 16/07/2024 20:06

I think if you don't want to propose to him then you say , I want to get married do you ? If he says yes then you set a date and you get married.

Catnipcupcakes · 16/07/2024 20:06

Elliegeez · 16/07/2024 20:02

So we bought a house together which I think is even more commitment than marriage. He knows I don't want a big expensive wedding.

With one thing and another our 8 minutes in front of the registrar cost well over £1000 in 2001. I still think its money. If you’ve bought a house together and you think that’s a bigger commitment than marriage (it isn’t for reasons others have explained) - why waste any money on a wedding.

If you didn’t know that marriage changes nothing…and yet it changes everything, you wouldn’t want to do it, OP.

GinForBreakfast · 16/07/2024 20:07

Is the relationship otherwise good? It doesn't sound like you are communicating well together...

Original poster
Elliegeez · 16/07/2024 20:10

We have the best relationship, we really do. Communication is something that I'm not very good at but we do communicate about everything else. I just don't understand why he hasn't asked me. We openly talk about our "forever" and our future and we always have done.

OP posts:
something2say · 16/07/2024 20:11

Everyone is saying something different. Me, I'd cry and start packing and when asked, say 'you know I want to be married but you've never asked me, therefore I conclude you don't love me and I'm leaving.'

I have a friend in this boat. Even bought herself a wedding ring and wore it. The proposal never came, he just is not that guy. My friend is longterm irritated and unsatisfied. There is no way I would put up with that.

Get out op. If he doesn't want what you want, stop upsetting yourself.

I too read The Rules. Also follow the ten out of ten guy on Facebook. If this man is not your ten out of ten, stop torturing yourself xx

Cantsleepdontsleep · 16/07/2024 20:14

My husband waited a similar amount of time to propose to me - I wasn’t happy but I didn’t doubt he loved/loves me. Apparently he intended to but it was never the right time to propose 🙄. Ultimately it was me saying that I wouldn’t have kids unless we were married which seems to have kicked him into action. We’ve been married over 10years now and we are still very happy. I do understand why people shout red flag and run for the hills, but wanted to say it’s not always the case. I think the more pressure there was on him to propose, the harder he found it to actually do.

TammyJones · 16/07/2024 20:14

Josie234 · 16/07/2024 19:59

I'm not sure I would feel that I wanted to marry someone that I couldn't talk to in an open and honest way.

Talk to each other.

Communication is everything.

I'd been saying 'are we getting married or not?'
And set my stall out according to the answer ......

Original poster
Elliegeez · 16/07/2024 20:15

Thanks for all your opinions and advice. Hopefully I will be able to pluck up the courage to just say something soon

OP posts:
Jadedbuthappy82 · 16/07/2024 20:15

I was in this position. More or less pushed him not marriage and resented that he didn't seem to want to be bothered. He turned out to be the biggest disappointment ever, rubbish husband and even worse dad. If I had my time again I'd walk early on. If he knows you want to be married and doesn't propose, that tells you a lot about him. I'd move on.

Rainwind65 · 16/07/2024 20:18

What are you afraid OP? Why do you have to be drunk or pluck up a courage to discuss marriage with your partner? Do you think he will not commit? What are your worries?

TheNuthatch · 16/07/2024 20:19

You really need to find some courage here op. Just tell him that you want to get married. He might just feel that it doesn't matter anymore, or can't be arsed because you're both settled with a mortgage already. Just lay your cards on the table and do it soon. You're clearly upset and it will grind you down the longer you wait. If your relationship is as good as you say, he shouldn't have a problem with it. Are you worried he might refuse?

Original poster
Elliegeez · 16/07/2024 20:19

Cantsleepdontsleep · 16/07/2024 20:14

My husband waited a similar amount of time to propose to me - I wasn’t happy but I didn’t doubt he loved/loves me. Apparently he intended to but it was never the right time to propose 🙄. Ultimately it was me saying that I wouldn’t have kids unless we were married which seems to have kicked him into action. We’ve been married over 10years now and we are still very happy. I do understand why people shout red flag and run for the hills, but wanted to say it’s not always the case. I think the more pressure there was on him to propose, the harder he found it to actually do.

Thanks. I know he feels the same way, like you said.
I suppose it's just his personality of being so laid back. We never really do anything unless I plan it. Its ironic because one of the reasons we are so perfect for each other is because he is so laid back. I need to just find the courage to talk about it.

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 16/07/2024 20:19

From your posts your partner sounds committed to you, perhaps they don’t think marriage is a big deal, but it’s important to you, so have that conversation.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 16/07/2024 20:19

You have helped him to get on the property ladder, split the bills, more disposable income...
Don't see any incentive for him to get married now.

Original poster
Elliegeez · 16/07/2024 20:20

Rainwind65 · 16/07/2024 20:18

What are you afraid OP? Why do you have to be drunk or pluck up a courage to discuss marriage with your partner? Do you think he will not commit? What are your worries?

I really don't know why I'm so scared. That's a good question.

OP posts:
Kelly51 · 16/07/2024 20:21

I never understand long term relationships waiting on a proposal, just have a discussion and if agreed book a date.

summerhols24 · 16/07/2024 20:21

F

Original poster
Elliegeez · 16/07/2024 20:23

TheNuthatch · 16/07/2024 20:19

You really need to find some courage here op. Just tell him that you want to get married. He might just feel that it doesn't matter anymore, or can't be arsed because you're both settled with a mortgage already. Just lay your cards on the table and do it soon. You're clearly upset and it will grind you down the longer you wait. If your relationship is as good as you say, he shouldn't have a problem with it. Are you worried he might refuse?

I don't think he will refuse. I just don't know how to start the conversation. I don't want him to think I'm attacking him and I suppose I feel so frustrated about it that it may come out that way.

OP posts:
Catnipcupcakes · 16/07/2024 20:23

Why do you need courage OP?

Do you strongly suspect that he doesn’t want to marry you and will turn you down?

What if you say, ‘look, I want to be married by Christmas’ and tell him you’ve booked a nice little ceremony and all he has to do is put on a suit and tie and turn up.

Not ideal but some men are that crap so if that what it takes…

Delphiniumandlupins · 16/07/2024 20:24

"I want to marry you. When do you think we should book the registry office/church/that hotel in The Lakes where we had the great holiday." Then fix a date in the next few months. Good luck.

Original poster
Elliegeez · 16/07/2024 20:25

Catnipcupcakes · 16/07/2024 20:23

Why do you need courage OP?

Do you strongly suspect that he doesn’t want to marry you and will turn you down?

What if you say, ‘look, I want to be married by Christmas’ and tell him you’ve booked a nice little ceremony and all he has to do is put on a suit and tie and turn up.

Not ideal but some men are that crap so if that what it takes…

I guess I want the proposal. I don't want a big deal. I just want that moment. I don't want it to be forced or planned.

OP posts:
Herewegoagain84 · 16/07/2024 20:26

Honestly if you can’t speak openly with him about it, it’s not right anyway. It’s usually a mutual decision, even if it’s left to the man to propose if you prefer it that way. Stop waiting. Do it yourself / ask whether he is planning on it or even wants it / or find someone else.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/07/2024 20:26

Bugger being a bystander in your own life OP, you only get one, use your voice, ask for what you want!

“Geoff, I want to get married, let’s book a date”. What’s the worst that could happen?

I can’t fathom refusing to discuss it in the first place but it’s not too late.