He still hasn't proposed - I really need some help

[Elliegeez]

The bottom line is that we've been together 13 years and he has still not proposed.

We talked about it in the early days, we both said we wanted to be married one day.

I wanted it to be a surprise so I never wanted to talk about it, I just assumed he would do it.

Then time marched on...

I imagined that he was planning to do it on this holiday, or that trip, or that Christmas.

Then it had been so long that it seemed hard to start the conversation. The longer I leave it, the harder it is. I just don't know how to start the conversation.

I'm sure that we want to be together forever and that we were just meant to be but now I'm starting to feel so angry and upset that I think it's affecting our relationship.

I've tried hints like looking at rings, showing him rings. I even said over a year ago that I wanted to be married by the time I was 40 he said "you better move quick then" and I said "no you better move quick". Then I waited....then I turned 40.

I know he doesn't know how much it's upsetting me and I know I need to talk about it, I just don't know how.

What should I say first? What situation? I've tried just getting drunk, hoping it would fall out, but that didn't work either.

Anytime we watch anything with a wedding or a proposal I just feel so sad.

Please help me.

You've dropped hints, showed him rings, even told him you wanted to be married by 40.

There is no chance he just didn't realise you wanted to get married, and what you said last night made the penny drop.

That's not what's going on here, I'm so sorry.

You really think his wishy washy response about maybe wanting marriage was him realising he had the green light from you to propose?

This is the bit of - sorry, but self delusion - which I really can't get over, and I worry what it's going to do to OP if he follows the usual path of finding "the one" and getting married very quickly

That won't be easy, but as we've all said this is (and will rightly remain) OP's choice to make

Oh for goodness sake, just ASK HIM TO MARRY YOU

Edited to add what's the point? He couldn't make it any clearer that this isn't something he wants, and if he comes up with another "Maybe ... I don't know" that just puts OP in the position of having to rationalise yet another knock-back

Sorry OP, but your last update is absolutely nuts.

You say that 'marriage really isn't that important to you'. So why the hell are you so desperate for a proposal!!! Make it make sense!

You say pp's must have never experienced true love, or soul mates If we don't understand your relationship? Are you serious?

In your original OP when you started this thread, you said that you keep expecting a proposal on trips away or special occasions but it never happened. Your plan seems to be now to wait for yet another trip to celebrate your 40th, because he's sure to propose this time.

I wish you luck

What you do is go to you local Town Hall and book a civil marriage ceremony. Get 2 witnesses and let him know your plans - time and date. He can turn up or not. One way or the other you will know.

I just want to say because I realise things on here do sound quite harsh, that none of this is your fault OP, you trusted him and forged a relationship with him, and assumed he'd come through for you in the proposal/marriage, I really feel that you are now stuck between a rock and a hard place and I'm sorry he's being so non committal about marriage without giving you any indication why he feels that way.. it is actually quite cruel I think and the reason so many people on here are up in arms about it.

He owes it to you after 13 years to at least have an honest open conversation about why he doesn't want to get married, and you do need to face up to the fact that he does know you want to get married and has known for as long as you've been mentioning it/showing him rings/asking for a proposal, you making excuses for that is only going to prolong everything.

You really do need to be able to talk this through otherwise that feeling of sadness will never go away, but be prepared for where that may lead, I hope you manage to come to some sort of peace with it all, whichever way it goes, I really hope he comes through for you, or at the very least is honest with you, you deserve to know the truth.

He is the type to do the proposal. I really think that he thought I didn't want to get married.

Sorry OP, kind of type to do the proposal would have done the proposal in 13 years.

Do you really think he thought you were not into a marriage but he was, but he held back?

Who are you trying to convince here?

Because if he says yes, he might end up getting married, which he doesn’t want. But he is worried that the OP might leave if he says no. So he fobs her off with maybes, laters and I don’t knows to buy more time. And it worked for him again the other day.

You sound quite immature, why on earth wouldn't you just discuss it like normal adults in a healthy relationship. I think this is very odd in a long-term relationship.

Truthfully, if marriage is something that is important to you and you cannot even talk to your partner about something so important to you, break up. Very sad that you‘ve wasted 13 years in a relationship where you cannot express what is importantly to you

Yes. The green light you think he’s now got is a nonsense.

It's all very odd, really. After 13 years he doesn't know you want a proposal? (I'm still not actually clear on whether you want marriage, or just a proposal).

Perhaps you need to stop saying "whoa there" when people ask you when you get married and start saying "hopefully soon!"

But my feeling is, if he really wanted to marry you, he would have proposed years ago. I'm really not sure why you're trying to convince us and yourself that you don't care either way about it because clearly it's important to you - are you worried that if you really force the conversation, he might admit he doesn't want to get married?

Society has a lot to answer for with proposals. I asked my now h to marry me after 3 years together because he didn't seem to be getting around to it. Sitting on the sofa on a random Wednesday, no engagement ring. We were married less than a year later. We were no less engaged than a couple that got engaged at the top at the Eiffel Tower with a 10k ring.

How about: "I want to get married before this year is out. You have been fobbing me off for too long. If you do not want this I need to know so I can plan my future."

Give it a go ...

OP did you both decide you didn’t want DC or was it more your partners’s choice?

I'm very willing to be corrected, but to me it sounded more like OP's decision which I believe she said the OH was "happy with"

As suggested I'm not certain about this, but if it's correct his possible quick marriage/children with someone else would be even less of a surprise

Edited to add I checked and it seems this was right; OP said "Not wanting children was my decision, it's not something he has "brainwashed" into me, i have my reasons that i do not wish to share here. I have checked many times and he is happy"

Op I'm glad you've started a ball rolling. It initially sounded like he was really shy & reserved & maybe couldn't work up the courage to ask-my husband is a bit like this - so much so, I didn't even know he was proposing as his 'way' was writing inside my birthday card 'will you share all your birthdays with me?' I was like 'no, piss off you've got your own birthday, this is my day, what do you even mean?' He thought he was being obvious with a proposal.

The trouble now is that your 40th trip you'll be expecting or hoping for it & it will dampen your trip if he doesn't propose.

You said the marriage was the important bit. Give yourself a deadline & if you're sure it's the right thing, tell him you want it asap. Have whatever kind of wedding you like but you can have a fabulous time without spending £30k odd on a traditional lots of people affair.

Most MN advice focuses on the actions of someone. His actions in this area have so far let him down but you've given a clear message. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Best of luck to you

Similar situation here.

We have been together two years ecstatically happy and talk all the time about future marriage and living together - but he still hasn’t mustered up the courage to get divorced- and they have been separated for 8 years; they are mostly no contact and he tells me he hates having any kind of contact with her.
Doesnt make me feel any better.
There are some interesting replies on here; I’ve enjoyed reading a lot of the similar situations. It’s really made me think.

Thank you everyone for your contributions

It makes me sad that so many of you think that men will only get married if they want sex and should be forced into it. Threatening him with an ultimatum. It makes me feel like you have never experienced true love where you absolutely, without doubt know that you were meant to be together

^ exact opposite. It's you who have sadly not felt what it means for someone to choose you. This man hasn't. You're Ms Right Now. At his age a NT man (who wants marriage) will propose within 18 months-2 years.They have no doubts. They make the future they want happen. There's no forcing involved.

Saw your update Op. Having seen similar relationships to yours, each and every time the man refused to commit (with a wedding ring) because he was not truly in love. You’ve convinced yourself otherwise. Would love an update on your situation in a few years.

Those who did marry after many years of cohabitation ended up divorced. Others were dumped by the man but he married within 6-12 months and went on to have children.

I married my true love. After a year of courtship, he proposed and we married eight months later. When a man is truly in love, he will marry you. When he’s not sure, he’ll keep dragging his feet (as long as you are still warming the bed).

again, I suggest reading “The Rules”.

You could start a whole new thread with this one. Bless you, if you've been reading the replies on this thread, I think you know what you need to do.
You sound a lot more wise to what's going on with your DP than the OP on this thread. Whatever you do, don't let this drag out for 13 years! I wish you the best of luck.

Absolutely right, learn from this.

My friend was like this, him and his partner had been together the longest in both sets of friends attended all there weddings etc.

Together from 25-38 and the engagement never came now they have split up and a year later he's with someone else and she's pregnant he had none of this commitment with his x!

They used to travel all over the the traditional engagement places lake como, New York Paris etc etc must have been devastating for her. A big case for always the bridesmaid never the bride . Every summer they went to countless weddings.

Not really sure what your point is here...

Sadly for OP, this makes it very much more likely that he will not propose.

If he is also 40 he will be approaching crunch time on whether he wants to go and find someone to have a family with. He may well be ‘happy’ not having a family with OP but doesn’t mean he is happy never having a family. Sigh.

I don't think men ever get to a crunch time about having kids because of age. The ops oh hasn't proposed because he doesn't want to get married. It's a lot fairer than proposing and then never getting married.

I know one male mid 30s who has got to that point. He sees his friends getting married and starting families and it’s on his mind a lot. His thinking is, he doesn’t want to be too old to play football etc with kids. He thinks 40 might be pushing it! But I know what you mean. They don’t have quite the same biological pressure.