He still hasn't proposed - I really need some help

[Elliegeez]

The bottom line is that we've been together 13 years and he has still not proposed.

We talked about it in the early days, we both said we wanted to be married one day.

I wanted it to be a surprise so I never wanted to talk about it, I just assumed he would do it.

Then time marched on...

I imagined that he was planning to do it on this holiday, or that trip, or that Christmas.

Then it had been so long that it seemed hard to start the conversation. The longer I leave it, the harder it is. I just don't know how to start the conversation.

I'm sure that we want to be together forever and that we were just meant to be but now I'm starting to feel so angry and upset that I think it's affecting our relationship.

I've tried hints like looking at rings, showing him rings. I even said over a year ago that I wanted to be married by the time I was 40 he said "you better move quick then" and I said "no you better move quick". Then I waited....then I turned 40.

I know he doesn't know how much it's upsetting me and I know I need to talk about it, I just don't know how.

What should I say first? What situation? I've tried just getting drunk, hoping it would fall out, but that didn't work either.

Anytime we watch anything with a wedding or a proposal I just feel so sad.

Please help me.

OP, if you just "need to know" but don't mind if you don't get married, why can't YOU decide it's off the table. It's clear you would love to be married. Nothing shameful about that.

I remember standing in our kitchen and hearing yet another set of wedding bells at our local church. I looked at him and my huge diamond and realised it was bullshit. I wasn't good enough for him to want to marry despite the lavish proposal. I decided I deserved better and that actually I'd rather be alone than with someone who didn't want to make sure he didn't lose me.

But that was my decision, you must make your own.

Op, I've seen this time, and time, again.

He never proposes. Says either "it's just a piece of paper", or, "I do want to marry you! I'm just waiting for the right time!" or whatever excuse.

He then leaves them, and 6 months later is married to his new girlfriend.

You're not his "One", op.

You want the proposal, the romantic moment, so arrange it yourself. Make it beautiful and romantic, so you both enjoy it.

I agree.

I’m sorry but I laughed when you said fortunately he did something awful. Good for you!

Same at 31. Wish I’d read it sooner. Would have saved me a lot of heartache in my younger days.

Pull yourself together and propose to him. He isn't going to do it or he would have by now.

Nooo...HE doesn't want to marry her. He's not lazy, fgs - he's just living a life where he knows he doesn't want to marry op, but he's a typical one of those men in that he's too lazy/cowardly to just end it, just wants to coast along with someone who cooks/cleans etc until the ACTUAL love of his life appears.

Buying a house is not the same commitment as getting married. Nowhere NEAR as much of a commitment!

As pps have said, I don't get why you haven't either asked him, or just told him you want to get married. (And you clearly do want to get married, despite your nonchalance in later posts on your thread here!)

At 40-ish and not married yet, the signs are all there. As another poster said - he doesn't want to get married.

I never understand women who stay with a man who doesn't want to get married (when she wants to!) I wouldn't stay with a man who doesn't think I'm good enough to marry.

Say,

I need to talk to you about something and I'm feeling quite weird about broaching it so if it comes out strange that's why. I've built it up in my head. Ready? Good. I want to get married this year, how do you feel about that?

If you can't do this, I have to say that you probably shouldn't be married to the guy. This isn't the hardest conversation you'll ever have to have.

@Catnipcupcakes What is 'The Rules?'

If you can't have an honest conversation with your partner of 13 years where you tell him you want to be married and ask to set a date, without hints and needing to be drunk...truly, you probably shouldn't be marrying him anyway. The whole point of a spouse is to be able to be yourself, say what you mean, share your wishes and plans for the future. You shouldn't be coy about the basics.

I'm gonna be harsh.
You are over 40, OP, right?
How did you make it this far in life with
such an attitude?
You say you are "scared", you "had a dream" 😳
Sounds like someone who's 15 and from
Victorian times.
Btw, I'm 45, waited for my husband to agree to marry for 9 years and also child free.
His vast "riches" was probably the reason, but we have been married for 20 years.
Just bloody tell him how you feel and what you want.
At your age, I started to want to live on my own again! 😂

It's OK to want that romantic moment. Especially if you are usually the proactive one it means a lot to know that they made the effort and demonstrated how much they want it. However after 13 years it's not going to happen and you are just tormenting yourself. The choices are

Option 1. He takes the initiative and proposes
Option 2. You take the initiative and propose and he accepts/ doesn't accept
Option 3. Unromantic but sensible agreement that you should do the legal contract for tax purposes
Option 4. The status quo of together but not married and feeing endlessly rubbish plus no marriage benefits
Option 5. End the relationship and have the possibility of something different

If you can't have Option 1, which is the next best?

I'm so invested in this now. I need to know how it turns out.
Just ask him! Do it right now... then come back and tell us. Either way, if it's important to you, you can't just sit on it forever getting more and more unhappy.

This.
He doesn’t want to marry you.

Re the Rules, I read it when I was late teens. I'm now nearly 41. I wish I'd paid attention to it. Playing hard to get is the best way. Being with a man 13 years and "letting" him shag you and no doubt wash his socks but not marry you is NOT playing hard to get.

I lived with a man twice without being married and I learned the hard way. Ultimately men want the thing they can't have. I suggest you simply start looking for rentals and packing. See how long it takes him to ask WTAF is going on. Then you'll know.

Marriage is a legally binding contract meaning that if it doesn't work out you (( and he )) stand to lose half of your pension, savings etc. It should never be something you into because you want a wedding......as their are no children involved I really think you should think long and hard over the more practical side of what marriage means.

And as someone who has a family member trapped in a horribly abusive situation who cannot afford to leave because they had to retire early (( to look after their mentally ill spouse )) the only way to escape the abuse is to leave. Which means half of their assets will be lost in a divorce, they were the only earner as their partner was too unwell so despite the fact only they paid for their house , all savings, pensions etc (( no children involved thank fuck )) they'll lose half in a divorce and there wouldn't be enough to buy 2 homes.......so at the age of 64 they're in a situation I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. They look haunted, their home isn't a home anymore. And my heart truly does go out to them.

Having seen that situation unfold wild horse wouldn't drag me down that aisle......my advice is to be happy as you are but ffs try to be independent too. Build your own savings and have a back up plan if things do go tits up.

No need to be sorry. It was horrible but fortunate!

I think given that you specifically said you wanted to be married before you were 40, and then you turned 40 and nothing happened, then he’s not going to suddenly propose in the next decade.

Also, it would infuriate me that he won’t give you an answer. He’s deflecting and speaking in riddles by saying things like “You better get a move on”.
What does that even mean, that you should propose to him? That you should marry someone else?

I’d tell him ASAP that you want to set a date, don’t even call it “getting engaged” or getting married.

I agree with pp who said most men are fairly lazy and don't plan for the future. (They just future fake you).

They just drift from day to day with the woman shagging them, washing their socks and praying for a proposal.

They won't leave unless you cheat/they happen upon someone they prefer. And y to the PP who says they marry THAT woman within a year.

BTW OP don't accept just a "shut up" ring. You want a wedding date. You're not REALLY engaged unless you have a date set.

Voice of bitter experience here. Don't make my mistakes.

Ultimatum is the way to go. I had two relationships in my twenties both lasting four years and both ending in heartbreak. When I met my husband I informed him fairly early on that if we weren't engaged within two years, I would dump him. I said it jokingly, but I meant every word.
I'd keep it simple and direct to your other half and just blurt it out. I want us to be married. I hope you do too. If you do, you need to propose by Christmas, otherwise I'll have to walk away.

F that's harsh, this one.
Not being funny, but cannot the 64 yo just
"run away"?
If they are the sole earner, a carer and being abused, well, I would take that chance and leg it,
with half of savings or whatever.
Nobody, and I mean nobody is entitled to suck another person's life out of them.
Full stop.

A book by Ellen Fein. ‘The Rules, How To Capture the Heart of Mr Right’.

I know…..but I went from long term single to meeting DH in the March of 2001, he proposed in late May, and we married in September….and you can’t tell me it had nothing to do with it 😆🤷🏻‍♀️

I hate to say it but if he wanted to propose he would have done so by now. You need to have a serious conversation about where the relationship is heading.

This.