He still hasn't proposed - I really need some help

[Elliegeez]

The bottom line is that we've been together 13 years and he has still not proposed.

We talked about it in the early days, we both said we wanted to be married one day.

I wanted it to be a surprise so I never wanted to talk about it, I just assumed he would do it.

Then time marched on...

I imagined that he was planning to do it on this holiday, or that trip, or that Christmas.

Then it had been so long that it seemed hard to start the conversation. The longer I leave it, the harder it is. I just don't know how to start the conversation.

I'm sure that we want to be together forever and that we were just meant to be but now I'm starting to feel so angry and upset that I think it's affecting our relationship.

I've tried hints like looking at rings, showing him rings. I even said over a year ago that I wanted to be married by the time I was 40 he said "you better move quick then" and I said "no you better move quick". Then I waited....then I turned 40.

I know he doesn't know how much it's upsetting me and I know I need to talk about it, I just don't know how.

What should I say first? What situation? I've tried just getting drunk, hoping it would fall out, but that didn't work either.

Anytime we watch anything with a wedding or a proposal I just feel so sad.

Please help me.

Approach it as a conversation. What happens if one of you gets seriously ill or does? You're not next of kin. Who would be making those decisions? Do you both want that? If he doesn't want to get married what's your red line? Is it a deal breaker? Would you be happy with getting legal docs drawn up instead to specify what you want?

He either doesn’t care about marriage or doesn’t want to marry you. Ask him which it is. It’s really weird you can’t broach this with him tbh

in the same position, OP. I get it. I want to be married to my long-term partner, but not if that has to happen by dragging him there kicking and screaming. I want him to want to marry me, not because I forced the situation.

Ok, how about a glass of wine and a 'I really need to talk to you' comment or similar, so he knows that what you're about to say is not something to joke about. Then tell him that you want to be get married because you love him ,and want to be his wife. You're not attacking him, just laying out your wants/needs. You don't need fancy proposals etc.

Gently OP you need to ask yourself why that is so important because really that’s as nothing in the great scheme of things. You’re focused on something that is a minute or two as opposed to the marriage which is for the rest of your life

also beware the ‘proposal to keep you quiet’ scenario which never translates to actually getting married

You should feel angry that you aren't able to be honest in your own relationship. His (lack of) response and lack of interest has trained you to feel embarassed about wanting to get married. Getting married is a perfectly normal step for 2 people in love, and yet he's made you feel shame for wanting it.

That would make me feel angry, and that anger would drive me to say 'OK, it's x years since we said we'd get married one day. Let's agree a date in the next 6 months and get on with it'.

You'll know all you need to know from his reaction. If he's happy to do it, happy days.

I’ve said this several times on here before but I’ve got married twice, once following a full on candles in the snow down on one knee flowery extravaganza of a proposal and once by mutual agreement waiting for a takeaway. The latter was much more authentically romantic and exciting and the married is much better.

Do you want proof of his commitment and have decided this is the only way you’ll believe he loves you?

A ‘proposal’ by definition is planned - it’s an overly romanticised idea and tbh after 13 years I think you should park the idea he’s suddenly going to get down on one knee on a bed of red roses.

That doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t want to get married, but if he’s not done a big overblown proposal yet, I doubt it’s happening.

So just talk to him sensibly, just say - I want us to get married, let’s set a date and do it.

There’s a middle way.

Book the registry office, buy yourself a pretty dress and him a suit, ask two friends to be witnesses and tell him the date.
Alternatively, book a holiday that includes a wedding, and tell him on the flight out there.
Don't hang around waiting for a romantic proposal, it's never going to happen.

I like this. The time has come OP, you need to know either way.

Bugger romance, that ship has sailed. You need to either be truly happy as you are or be prepared to leave if he says he isn’t ever going to want marriage.

Seething away over it isn’t going to do any good.

One of my friends said she wanted the proposal because it would be the one time her partner would have to express his feelings about her. I think that’s a bit sad.

If there’s no deeper problem I’d say to him this evening that it’s getting you down that you’re not married. That you’ve both talked about it before but if you don’t set a date it’ll never happen. That this is very important to you and you don’t want to be feeling like this in six months time because you’ve not said anything.

I think this is why you don’t want to / can’t talk to him about it.

You are clinging to the hope that he’ll do it off his own bat and surprise you. But you’ve been clinging to that hope for 13 years and it hasn’t happened.

I think you need to accept that the proposal will never happen the way you want it to and if you want to get married in order to give your relationship the significance it deserves then the proposal doesn’t actually matter.

Just tell him that you would like to start arranging your wedding. That you love him and have been waiting for the romantic proposal but that doesn’t matter any more and you would just like to get married now. You say he loves you and you’ve discussed your together forever future so I’m sure the convo will go fine and you’ll be married soon.

He's not going to propose. Ask him, accept this is it or leave.

I told my (now) husband that kept dragging his feet asking me to get married “I won’t put up with this shit, no woman in her 30s will. If you don’t want to marry me then tell me, otherwise you risk dying a lonely old man”. We booked the wedding the next day and he’s told me several times it was the best day of his life.

Giving ultimatums isn’t big or clever but i genuinely meant it. I’d have walked if he dragged his feet any further.

it was terrifying and I was shaking as I thought I was going to lose the person I adored, but it was that important to me.

Guess you need to decide how important it is to you.

The time for a "perfect" proposal has long gone, so I'd stop wishing for it. Even if it happened now, it won't feel like you imagine as there's too much resentment and frustration behind it now. Just tell him you want to get married and start arranging it together.

Did he turn you down when you asked him?

Ask yourself this: why is marriage his decision? Why does he control this?
I think 13 years indicates a power imbalance here, as well as shocking communication.
Propose to him.
Better: have an honest conversation about your future.

Who decided on the no kids thing. Was it you, or him, or mutual?
Right now you are 40 or over - no children (by choice?) - no hint of a proposal.
Time is moving on OP.
Get off of here now and go up to your partner and say to him,

'Augustus (Fred and Geoff are gone)🙃I want to get married - I would like an answer right now please- how's about June (pick your own month) of next year' ?

Then come back and tell us what he said. 😀

I completely agree with this. It might even be the expectation of a big fluffy proposal that's putting him off asking!

I even said over a year ago that I wanted to be married by the time I was 40 he said "you better move quick then" and I said "no you better move quick".

Seems like you either keep waiting, propose yourself or just say “I think we should get married what are your thoughts?”

Lord I was 13 years with my now husband before he proposed. we were on our second house and set up a business together. honestly I wasn't bothered we were going to about 10 weddings a year ( Ireland weddings) and honestly was fed up of weddings. we never really discussed it and life was very busy as it was. laughed off wedding hints and jokes from people. it never ever bothered me and wasn't one itching to rush up the aisle. it did happen one Xmas morning and I was in shock. so was everyone else when we told them 😅 unfortunately my father in laws death shortly after along with covid delayed our wedding day. as we had been to so many wedding we were very specific what we wanted. it was the best day of our lives. if you wnat to get married have that discussion. it doesn't have to be all bells and whistles wedding just the wedding the two of you wnat

You could do the whole Marissa Tomei 'Biological Clock' scene from 'My Cousin Vinnie'....but in regards to having a wedding day and not a baby iykwim

Double Dare ya.

Sorry edited a little.

It isn't though. It easier to get out of than a marriage. The only thing that's a bigger commitment is children. Do you have them?

If you can’t talk about a proposal with him you shouldn’t be marrying him.