Feel really hurt and used

[roses321]

I don't think this is anything new to be honest but I just wanted to vent on here.

I've been single for just over a year, I haven't slept with anyone or bothered with trying to pursue a relationship, but I met this one guy recently and he seemed great. He said all the right things, seemed to really have a good set of values and was extremely respectful.

Long story short, I ended up going home with him on Saturday night and we slept together. I left on Sunday morning and he did text me, but barely, and it was nothing to do with the weekend we spent together or anything else. It was about things in the news or TV shows he was watching.
By Sunday night I kind of felt like shit, and I felt quite used even though there was no reason to feel that way - I'm a grown adult, I made a choice, and I went into it fully aware that he might tell me he didn't want to see me again. I would have been disappointed, but I could have handled it.

What I didn't foresee at all, was him just NOT addressing it, not saying anything, not giving me any indication of whether he wanted to see me again, or even acknowledging that it had happened.

I decided that I didn't have anything to lose, so I laid my cards on the table and told him I had a lovely time with him, thought he was a great guy, and I had fun etc.

The response I got made me really mad. Literally not even an acknowledgement of anything I just said, just "oh I had a hangover yesterday and felt shit" (we went out drinking) and then a "anyway got to go to work, chat later".

I told him that frankly chatting later wasn't necessary. He then followed up saying he found my earring on his bedroom floor and I said don't worry just bin it. He sent me a laughing emoji and just an "ok".

Excuse me but WTF. Is it too much to expect someone to behave like an actual adult and not just run away from acknowledging that yes, we slept together and just be honest and upfront if you don't want more? I'm really fuming. I feel so angry about it and utterly suprised since this is NOT what I expected him to behave like, it is completely out of character with how he presented himself, completely childish and I have just decided to not utter one more word to him, as much as I want to verbally bite his head off, I know that it'll do me no good whatsoever so I won't bother.

Seriously though WHAT THE HECK? You dont' have to want a relationship with someone to behave like a respectful human being ffs.

We did have 3 dates weirdly enough....what a prick though. Seriously i am furious.

I think it's fine for you to decide this is not for you, but I do think you're overreacting here a bit. You had sex. He WAS in contact and did specifically reference being in contact again later. What did you want? Declarations of love? A sweet message about how into you he was? Flirty reminders of key moments?

In particular, as you ackmowlege you were both drinking I really think your expectations are off. In a situation like that I think I'd probably go with, "god, me too. Let's try to be at least somewhat sober next time!" and then see what happens.

I'm really sorry OP I've been where you are and I felt exactly the same.. it's pathetic and cowardly of him. This is why I don't trust men now and never will again.

What I learned is it's all an act with them and it's very calculated.

Sending you lots of hugs 🤗 and btw he's a loser

I don't like the tone of your response, I find it quite patronising actually.

No, I wasn't look for any of that but it boils down to basic respect for me, that's the least I expect from someone if I sleep with them. I'm aware that isn't how life always works, but I don't expect to be patronised and spoken down to for being angry and upset about it.

If you sleep with someone reasonably early on, it's kind of decent if someone let's you know "hey I had a great time and I do/do not want to see you again". That didn't happen and that's fine, so I gave him the lowdown on how I was feeling, and he completely ignored it. He was deliberately obtuse about the situation and deliberately avoided it.

Hey perhaps i'm being "too demanding", but in my world you sort of don't just ignore the fact you slept with someone and run and hide behind the curtains. You don't have to want more with them, you don't have to even have had a great time, but you do have to at least acknowledge the follow up of something YOU chose to take part in.

I don't think that's a particulary huge ask, and frankly I don't think it's particularly shitty or entitled of me to be pissed about a guy who exudes all these brilliant values and morals and who suddenly overnight seems to have hit his head and turned into a complete jerk.

I guess it boils down to the fact that sex is not a big deal for some people, it's no different to making your morning coffee for them, but for me.... I've been single a year, I've worked really hard at healing from my last LTR, I've been choosy about who I date, I haven't thrown myself at guys, and the one time I do... abracadabra actually he's another prick dressed as a nice guy.

FML.

Thanks, i think this is what really gets my tits in a twist to be honest, the calculated nature of it, the lies, the deceit. It's literally SO realistic and it really does fuck up and damage your trust for people in the future.

It's likely that after this I won't ever WANT to let anyone sleep with me again. It isn't hard to just say thanks but no thanks, it conveys a certain amount of respect and acknowledgement. Sure, I would have been disappointed, but that's my issue not his.

It's the complete LACK of any of that, that has really upset me a lot. The whole act he put on to get me to go home with him, and then the utter callousness of it afterwards. It just boils my fucking piss.

Yes she did want a nice message! What's wrong with that?!?
You're setting the bar VERY low here hence so many women only expect and tolerate the bare minimum from men
OP he's a looser get back out there there's loads of really good dating accounts on instagram worth a look 👀

This response makes it sound like sex is something women give to men, which isn't a helpful way of looking at this. They had sex and the follow up communication wasn't what she wanted - that's not him 'pumping and dumping' and definitely not him 'having his wicked way with her'!!!

I would have been equally fine with him saying "had a nice time, but not for me". It would have not tasted nice I admit, but you cannot argue with someone who is straight up and honest, it gives you closure.

Instead, I got this weird avoidant bullshit, these statements about what he was watching on TV texted to me - not even anything I could actually respond to since he wasn't asking anything he was just saying something to me. I got a total of 3 texts the next day. Two were about the trump shooting just after I left his house, one was a statement about a TV show he was watching which really didn't leave any room for a conversation.

It isn't rocket science to just acknowledge stuff, if you're happy to stick your dk in someone, then be happy to follow up on that fact the next day and issue your intentions, don't just act like a little boy running under his mothers skirt.

The guy clearly has more issues than Vogue magazine and that's fine, but can we not involve me or my vagina in this please, neither I, nor it needs to deal with your neurotic madonna whore problems.

He had best not get in touch with me again because he'll find himself with a head if he does.

Excuse me but follow up communication WAS what I wanted, it was the entire point of my post, and yes it is pumping and dumping when you sleep with someone and then just pretend it didn't fucking happen!

Utterly agree with this. It was my decision whether I went back to his house, I chose to go, I didn't go there with the expectation or undying love, marriage, a 2 bedroom semi or him even seeing me again. It was entirely his choice what he wanted afterwards - the point is, please actually communicate your choice because if you don't it leaves someone hanging and it is not a kind, ethical or ok thing to do, especially not when I communicated to him that I liked him and put MY cards on the table.

I realise however, we're talking about what's fair here, and I realise that being fair is really not a particular requirement these days is it.

Honestly I feel like men these days will just do anything to get in women's knickers even if that's being nice and respectful for a week or soo, men aren't like us women they think and act different and deal with situations completely different to us. Has he been messaging you since? I mean since the 3 messages since you left? Has he said anything about seeing you again too? Maybe if you do meet again bring it up and tell him how that made you feel?

I dunno, OP. I’m sorry you feel shit but I don’t understand what you were expecting. You keep saying you expected him to acknowledge you had sex, but… he was there, was he not. I think he is aware you had sex….?! Why does he need to say anything about it the very next day and through message at that. He was messaging you, he didn’t just completely ghost you afterwards. He was even talking about non-sexual things, which could suggest he sees you as someone he can actually have a conversation with.
In a day or two one of you could have arranged another date and had a conversation in person about what you both thought of the situation and what you were hoping for. Maybe he didn’t want to have an important/intimate conversation through text or the phone and was waiting to see you again.
Without being there or hearing both sides I’m not completely sure anyone can definitively say he’s a dick from this post. But I think it’s clear to see that he’s not the right person for you and can’t give you what you need.

Was his communication on Sunday noticeably colder or was it similar to what it had been previously?

I agree it would be hurtful that he didn’t acknowledge the shift. He obviously doesn’t want to get your hopes up, so you’re right to get shot of him. But very few people will text the next day saying “Thanks for a nice time but not for me, sorry”. The cool communication is the medium and the message. People suck 💐

There’s always apologists on these threads for genuinely shitty behaviour from men.

he was rude and dismissive. He wasn’t ’waiting To chat to her in person’. wtf.

Since I left he messaged me about the trump assassination attempt, brief interaction with that then went quiet.
Later on that day he sent me a message saying something about a TV program he was watching. It was a statement not a question. I responded with an emoji. I got nothing else that day.

At about 10.30pm I decided to lay my cards on the table and I wrote him a message addressing the weekend and saying I liked him and that I had a great time.

He read the message at 11.30pm and didn't reply.
The next morning he replied "sorry I had a hangover and felt quite shit yesterday even though I didn't drink much" (we both actually did have quite a lot).

He followed up then saying "anyway gotta go to work, chat later".

I looked at it and was like fuck this, so I responded saying "not necessary, hope you feel better soon".

He then said "oh I found your earring on the bedroom floor". My response was "feel free to bin it". He sent a laughing emoji and just "ok".

It is not unreasonable to expect someone to be able to put together ONE cohesive sentence acknowledging that you spent the night, that you slept together and that you had a good/shit/ok time and that you do/do not want to see them again.

I don't buy his ridiculous hangover comment, he was ok enough to be watching TV and commenting about it, so he was ok to send me a brief message acknowledging what happened.

He's had all day today to say something, he hasn't. He won't be "chatting to me later" because I don't want to give my time to this game playing bullshit, because that is what it is. We are both on the cusp of 40, we are not in school anymore and he is a grown ass man. If he can do the deed, he can fucking state his intentions afterwards no matter what they are.

You do not leave someone hanging around wondering what they did wrong, running through the whole event wondering if they screwed up, did something embarassing or offended you in any way - becuase that's what I spent Sunday night doing. I didn't go OTT on him, I stayed calm, I was gracious and I simply said it's not necessary to chat anymore.

I cannot be arsed with this bullshit at my age. It is ridiculous.

This doesn't work.

Disagree with you. I came here to vent, not ask for your assessment of the situation.

I was there, he is a dick.

@IdLikeToBeAFraser just because you have such low standards doesn’t mean the OP should. The way the man conducted himself after the night they spent together is awful and I wouldn’t want anything to do with someone who has no manners whatsoever. They cost nothing.
OP you deserve better and will get it! x

Yeah he was a LOT cooler than he had been before for sure.

I agree. What the fuck indeed. It's assuming he wanted to see me again... well in order to assume that he'd have to communicate that, and he didn't. You can't just sleep with someone and ASSUME that it means they want to see you again. I feel like this poster is naive and clueless, it'll be her one day then she'll come here completely butthurt and suprised that omg - people lie about who they are. They say one thing and do another.

I don't really care about apologists, they're ignorant and they don't really get it. I'm clear on how I feel and what my standards are, i'm not here to debate them with people.

Ugh, what a disappointment. So galling to have to slowly realise yourself over the course of a day that they’ve got what they want and are slow fading. Silver lining is you won’t be wasting any more time on him! What a child.

I think you hit the nail on the head, it's just about manners and decency, and he hasn't shown any of that whatsoever. I've already decided I will absolutely not be wasting more time on him, but it still SUCKS.