Feel really hurt and used

[roses321]

I don't think this is anything new to be honest but I just wanted to vent on here.

I've been single for just over a year, I haven't slept with anyone or bothered with trying to pursue a relationship, but I met this one guy recently and he seemed great. He said all the right things, seemed to really have a good set of values and was extremely respectful.

Long story short, I ended up going home with him on Saturday night and we slept together. I left on Sunday morning and he did text me, but barely, and it was nothing to do with the weekend we spent together or anything else. It was about things in the news or TV shows he was watching.
By Sunday night I kind of felt like shit, and I felt quite used even though there was no reason to feel that way - I'm a grown adult, I made a choice, and I went into it fully aware that he might tell me he didn't want to see me again. I would have been disappointed, but I could have handled it.

What I didn't foresee at all, was him just NOT addressing it, not saying anything, not giving me any indication of whether he wanted to see me again, or even acknowledging that it had happened.

I decided that I didn't have anything to lose, so I laid my cards on the table and told him I had a lovely time with him, thought he was a great guy, and I had fun etc.

The response I got made me really mad. Literally not even an acknowledgement of anything I just said, just "oh I had a hangover yesterday and felt shit" (we went out drinking) and then a "anyway got to go to work, chat later".

I told him that frankly chatting later wasn't necessary. He then followed up saying he found my earring on his bedroom floor and I said don't worry just bin it. He sent me a laughing emoji and just an "ok".

Excuse me but WTF. Is it too much to expect someone to behave like an actual adult and not just run away from acknowledging that yes, we slept together and just be honest and upfront if you don't want more? I'm really fuming. I feel so angry about it and utterly suprised since this is NOT what I expected him to behave like, it is completely out of character with how he presented himself, completely childish and I have just decided to not utter one more word to him, as much as I want to verbally bite his head off, I know that it'll do me no good whatsoever so I won't bother.

Seriously though WHAT THE HECK? You dont' have to want a relationship with someone to behave like a respectful human being ffs.

I am sorry but I absolutely agree- we didn’t ghost you, but pretty much any MN who hasn’t agreed with you has received a long response explaining why they can shove their opinion/comment/advice because you don’t fucking want it.

It’s a dick move for sure - perhaps that’s why he is still available? I wonder with all his shite about hangovers, he is hoping you’ll think he was blathered?

Are you sure he lives with his mother and not somebody else? I think he's lying about quite a few things here.

This thread is a great read!

I've been in similar situations to you OP, yes, multiple times because the breadcrumbing act can be so convincing at times.
But at the same time, every life experience is a learning curve and for me I can now spot these chancers from a mile off. And that's what he strikes me as.

This comment of yours jumped out at me:

"I think if it carries on with him messaging, at some point in the next couple of weeks I will just ask him what he wants"

Why would you put the ball back in his court to see what HE wants? You must really like him to do that.
What about what YOU want?

He clearly hasn't met your expectations the first time round. Plus he's making absolutely no effort to see you again.

Gut instinct has a lot to be said for. What is yours telling you?

Jesus the drama after 3 dates and a shag,

Hmmm. It comes across like you think sex is dirty and wrong somehow, and that "good girls" don't do it for fun.

Your response to my question just backs that up.

Ugh! No, it’s you not her. Leave her alone.

God you sound like hard work.

Perhaps you should examine your negative beliefs about sex too then.

Instead of encouraging someone to slut-shame themselves.

is this because you shamelessly sleep around and have a problem with the fact I don't make a habit of it or something?

Your attitude stinks of projection, like actually you're the one with the shame here.

I would never call myself or another woman a slut. It's misogynistic.

Thank you for your opinion. Go and do something productive please. Nobody cares.

Seems like your care a lot about this subject tbh.

But understand you aren't in the right place to deal with it so I will not waste my time.

I'd say the opposite, you keep harping on about it not me!

I understand you’re very hurt and angry op but I think if a man was talking about a woman’s genitals like you are there would be an outcry

I think it’s fine to have standards you set, whatever they may be, I’m concerned your level of upset and anger is off the scale you shouldn’t be sleeping with someone if you can’t cope after if you don’t get what you wish, and you’re not coping, you have spiralled. But I feel your discussing is genitals is out of line. As women we wouldn’t want a man doing that to us, so it’s not ok if we do it.

I'm not sure why you think my level of anger is "off the scale". That is incredibly dramatic.

This happened a week ago now. The issue is no longer an issue.

Maybe go back and read all your posts again.

If there’s someone on this thread carrying a big amount of shame for sleeping around or having casual
sex that’s you OP. Feel free to continue slut shaming yourself as much as you want, but don’t try to project that shame into other women who have less hang ups when it comes to casual sex.

Thanks, this is exactly what I've been thinking.

OP, you'll probably bite my head off for this but... You've mentioned several times that you were in LT abusive relationship. I am so sorry to hear that. Do you have a good support network around you and have you sought therapy to recover?

I and several other posters have noticed that you at times seem quite negative about women while at the same time you seem to consider yourself a feminist. Perhaps you've internalised some of the abusive views you suffered from your ex?

Yeah I have a great support network and I have had around a year of counselling to recover.

I'm not sure where you think I'm negative about women? Do you mean in relation to comments around being an "accidental slut"?

Perhaps those words were not really the best, but they certainly weren't aimed at anyone other than myself - and i'm certainly not offended by it. Perhaps the truth is that those have triggered some people because they look at them and think that it means I have some issue with those who choose to engage in casual sex and are ok with it? As a result they want to project that internal shame on me? Is that perchance what might be going on here? After all... I have never outright said I have a problem with people having casual sex... if I had that much of a problem and was THAT chaste I wouldn't have been jumping in an Uber at 11pm on a Saturday night would I?

I'm kinda not ok with casual sex for myself though. It isn't because it's not fun, it's not because I think it's gross or dirty or shameful, I wasn't exactly miss perfect when I was in my 20's. I did have FWBs, but every time I've ever had that kind of set up it's been in a situation where everyone knows that's what it is. We knew we weren't going to get married and fall madly in love, but the couple of people I did have that kind of arrangement with would definitely be there if I had a problem, we'd end up sleeping together and they were the first ones to say "that was great, I had a great time but I need to let you know that i'm not up for a relationship" and my response "ok cool, thanks for letting me know, I had a great time too...shall we do it again?".

It was a safe situation and everyone knew where they stood. Many seem to think that's unrealistic.... and apparently 20 years later yes it fucking is!

The issue I took with this guy was the game he's played. The charm and the deliberate comments and direction he took things in prior to sex, then the coldness afterwards.

I also took huge issue with women (and honestly this really suprises me actually) coming here to actively shame me for being upset about it when he changed his tune afterwards. I find it genuinely appalling.

You talk about feminism... and I think one of the principles of feminism is women supporting women, so I am not sure whether MY being a feminist is what should be brought into question here. I think it's the behaviour of others who have just come here and laid into me because I was upset about someone who I thought was a safe bet emotionally, turning into something else after he got what he wanted.

Can those people call themselves feminists? Or do they think that feminism is just about empowering women to have as much sex as they like with as many people as they like? Becuase that isn't my version of feminism. People should do what THEY want to do and not feel judged by their own gender (there are exceptions obviously). So why is it that I am getting so badly judged by people for saying I went on a date with a guy, I slept with him, he was one way prior to sex and has gone completely cold on me afterwards and that's not what I expect or want to tolerate.

Then people are up in arms when I have the audacity to tell them that I won't have my standards questioned, I will answer back if I want to, and if you give it out then you should be able to take it. Isn't that what those people are saying to me? "well YOU slept with him". Oh ok. So actions have consquences then i'm assuming is the message.... righty ho then.

I just didn't realise that posting something about feeling hurt and used had the consequence of being told a) I deserved it b) no wonder it happened (obviously it's my fault) and c) that i'm a raging and out of control woman.

I mean what a lesson this has been! And people will continue, and continue and continue to come on here and post and say horrible shit because y'know? Why not? Feminism!

Re read your own posts and you’ll understand why people are saying “horrible shit” (none of which is actually horrible btw)

Thing is, I just don't agree. Re-read some of THEIR posts.

The tone is dire, speaking down to someone, it's judgemental, it's bitchy and it's absolutely NOT kind.

The issue here is that i've answered back. Perhaps THAT is where the misogyny lies here.

Oh dear.

It's not just about the "slut" comment. All I can base my opinion on is what you've written here on this thread, obviously, so I agree that I could be wrong. To me it seems you see women as attacking and betraying other women when from my pov they're just engaging with the topic.

For example at one point you said to another poster " what is it then Samatha? Shut my mouth, say nothing, get my pinny out and bake a cake?"

I'm wondering if this is the sort of language your ex used with you? Did your ex expect you to stick to "women's work" and not have an opinion?

It's just the poster hasn't said anything remotely misogynistic to you so your reply seemed to come a bit out of left field making me think there's something else behind it.

You keep talking about your standards, yet you're giving him a second chance to mistreat you again.

Your standards aren't what you think they are.

You do not get abused by someone and then suddenly take on your abusers views and beliefs, that is not how it works. You do not morph into a woman hating misogynist. That isn't how DA works.

Maybe if you're a kid, but not as an adult.

If you actually read what Samantha wrote, read which part of her message I responded to. There's your answer. "You my dear, are over-reacting" was the phrase used by her.

What I have learned as a result of walking away from an abusive relationship where my feelings were regularly dismissed, was that I wouldn't tolerate people continuing to do it to me. So, you're upset, you write about it, and someone pops up and says "you, my dear, are over-reacting".

To be fair to Samantha, it was hardly a life or death situation. To be fair to me however, I was upset at the time. That generally happens when you feel like someone has done a bait and switch on you.

I am just waiting for someone to say "no wonder your partner abused you" now. That is the next logical step here isn't it.