Feel really hurt and used

[roses321]

I don't think this is anything new to be honest but I just wanted to vent on here.

I've been single for just over a year, I haven't slept with anyone or bothered with trying to pursue a relationship, but I met this one guy recently and he seemed great. He said all the right things, seemed to really have a good set of values and was extremely respectful.

Long story short, I ended up going home with him on Saturday night and we slept together. I left on Sunday morning and he did text me, but barely, and it was nothing to do with the weekend we spent together or anything else. It was about things in the news or TV shows he was watching.
By Sunday night I kind of felt like shit, and I felt quite used even though there was no reason to feel that way - I'm a grown adult, I made a choice, and I went into it fully aware that he might tell me he didn't want to see me again. I would have been disappointed, but I could have handled it.

What I didn't foresee at all, was him just NOT addressing it, not saying anything, not giving me any indication of whether he wanted to see me again, or even acknowledging that it had happened.

I decided that I didn't have anything to lose, so I laid my cards on the table and told him I had a lovely time with him, thought he was a great guy, and I had fun etc.

The response I got made me really mad. Literally not even an acknowledgement of anything I just said, just "oh I had a hangover yesterday and felt shit" (we went out drinking) and then a "anyway got to go to work, chat later".

I told him that frankly chatting later wasn't necessary. He then followed up saying he found my earring on his bedroom floor and I said don't worry just bin it. He sent me a laughing emoji and just an "ok".

Excuse me but WTF. Is it too much to expect someone to behave like an actual adult and not just run away from acknowledging that yes, we slept together and just be honest and upfront if you don't want more? I'm really fuming. I feel so angry about it and utterly suprised since this is NOT what I expected him to behave like, it is completely out of character with how he presented himself, completely childish and I have just decided to not utter one more word to him, as much as I want to verbally bite his head off, I know that it'll do me no good whatsoever so I won't bother.

Seriously though WHAT THE HECK? You dont' have to want a relationship with someone to behave like a respectful human being ffs.

Quite, deep, I’d much rather have comfortable chit chat - he was clearly thinking about the OP, if he wasn’t interested there would have been radio silence.

I can see both sides - yes he didn’t ghost her but OP states that as soon as the deed was done, the chat was dry….we women have a sixth sense about when a man is doing the slow fade and it really hurts, especially when you’ve slept with them. If he was into her, there would have been some acknowledgment of “I had a great night last night.” Surely? Especially since OP has said there is a noticeable difference between the tone of his messages before DTD. And to add insult to injury, the OP did actually say to him she’d had a great night and he didn’t acknowledge this but just changed the subject to discuss how hungover he was the day before.

Wow. V odd thread. Lots of aggression. I guess I didn't get the memo thay I was inky allowed to agree with op. Perhaps he didn't get the memo bout how to act post sex..

Honestly? Based on your responses here, I think the guy had a lucky escape! He thought the sex was shit, get over it. He may not have had the manners/decorum, blah blah blah you were expecting but reread your posts here and you're as far away from Debrett's as can be! Chalk this down to experience, dust yourself off and keep looking... also, might be worth working on your self-esteem. You claim you're over him but your venomous replies to some posters here are not only uncalled for but tell otherwise. Stop bringing the 'sisterhood' into wanting people to agree with you blindly.

Echoing what others have said about you coming across as intense. Having a pop at people chipping in with their opinion (even if you didn't ask for it) on a public internet forum is bizarre and comes across as intense, controlling and above all, rude.

Did you honestly expect people to only reply in solidarity? You cannot control what other people post.

If it's too triggering for you, you'll probably find it more appropriate to write your ramblings in a diary.

The man you're writing about sounds like a complete cunt. You're well shot of him.

The thing about it being just an act is so true. I think that even when men say they are in love with a woman I'm not sure anymore of what it means to them. I am really cynical. I think a lot of men don't truly believe that love is a real thing, but they know that we do believe it is and this is the main way that they manipulate us.

@roses321 this thread is really interesting - mainly because of your feisty responses. I think you're really great and, from what I have read of your posts, I think it might take some time for you to find someone who can match your sharpness and wit.

I've changed my mind about him - his initial enthusiasm might not have been an act, or if it was he might have been trying to keep up with you. He probably couldn't believe his luck when you went home with him. He knows he isn't up to scratch as far as you're concerned. And he's right.

So firstly - update.

He did text me last night at about 9.30pm.
He simply said "how was your day" and I told him my day was fine thank you how was yours.
He responded saying "fine but still knackered".

My response: "I hope you feel better soon, sounds like you need a nap!"
That was literally it.

Now, I know that this thread has split people.

There are half who are on the same page as me and agree with where I'm coming from, and there are half who think any communication is good news.

Some people have twisted it to extremes, mocking me for expecting some declaration of love or expecting him to want to go over Saturday night blow by blow despite the fact I've never said that nor would I expect it. That's a conscious choice by those people to take the situation out of context in order to mock because they don't like what i've said. Up to them.

Someone also suggested I was "cheap" because I'd got "attached" to a guy I'd met 3 times, also very low. Also ignoring the fact this isn't about that, it's just about basic human decency and respect. But again, up to them if they want to go there.

The last relationship I had was extremely abusive (perhaps my ex also "dodged a bullet"??).

I have stayed on my own for the past year and shown very little interest in men.
I haven't had a one night stand since i was like 19.... i'm now 39.

I went home with him because stupidly, I made a judgement on his character that was incorrect based on what he was saying and how he postured himself to be prior to sex. I suppose the reason for this is because of the fact that it's very hard not to get drawn in when someone makes you feel special. Those that have been there will understand I am sure. It's an easy trap to fall into.

I should have seen the warning signs and acted with caution, I didn't do that for myself though. My fault.

Yes, he has texted me, but let's face it (and I know some will disagree). A guy texting you banal shit is a 2 second effort, he's not asking "did you have a nice time" "do you want to see me again" or anything that shows a genuine interest in taking things further. He's also not saying he DOESN'T want to take things further, he's avoiding that choice altogether. In my opinion this boils down to two things: Cowardice, and lack of respect/integrity. If people disagree with that it's their choice, but my opinion is solid.

I think that if you slept with someone and you really wanted to see them again, you'd say that. I don't think people are that complicated.

I think that actually, he's avoiding making that choice for his own reasons.

For those who missed it: I did text him on Sunday night saying I had a lovely time and it would be nice to see him again, and thank you for having me over - he ignored that message flat out. Literally ignored it. That was the point at which I got annoyed and upset. Not because I was just sat there hoping he'd say something, but because I had the balls TO say something, and he continued texting me "how was your day" and "i'm off to work". That's literally all I've had from him since Saturday.

He's probably hoping he can gauge the situation and slowly establish some sort of FWB situation. Either that or he's scared to make a choice one way or the other because he doesn't actually know what he wants. He doesn't want to push it forward, so he's keeping me on the hook with minimal contact by avoiding any acknowledgement of the weekend and still asking "how was your day".

I don't know about you guys, but I definitely am not into this. If someone shows an interest in me then they're asking me questions about myself, asking how I feel about x or y, when can they see me again, what am I up to and all those questions that are deeper than "how was your day" then nothing else.

I don't know what his deal is, but I know it's not a circus I want to be ringmaster of. For those of you who find my responses aggressive, I did take your feedback on, and I thought about it and I responded to him graciously when he contacted me last night, I decided NOT to be so untrenched in MY opinion on the situation because other people had other views, but the result of that was - see above. I was planning on just ignoring any further communication until I read the other viewpoints, so I didn't. I am now at the point where I definitely think my instincts are spot on with this guy.

Let's be honest: If you slept with someone and liked them, is this how YOU would behave? And if so, why?

Anyway, the end result is that this morning I made a choice to delete the conversation with him, delete his number, and I will be issuing no further responses to "how was your day". I will not bother to give him chapter and verse because I know exactly how that will go down, I have made the honest effort to put my cards on the table, I expect reciprocity, and to be honest I am BEYOND suprised that some people have found that unreasonable. But perhaps that is because they have read my situation a different way - it's hard to convey things over message, but I think most people would expect reciprocity from someone even if that means "thanks but no thanks, i had a nice time, i wish you the best".

Sorry this is long.

Yeah, I think it comes down to the point that if he can't be bothered to make an effort or communicate, now, he's only going to be worse as time goes on.

OP - having reread your messages I think the issue is you regret sleeping with him for whatever reason. That’s all. I’m still not convinced he did anything that warranted your responses/the dramatics (to him or people on this thread). Hope you can get over this.

I think I left at about 7am or something? We did sleep together that morning.
I got home and he texted me about the trump assassination. I just went to sleep for the majority of Sunday morning to be honest.

It wasn't until Sunday evening that I started getting a feeling something was off.

Literally, I get what people are saying "hey he still texted you and you shut him down, you're a nutcase".

The shut down came the next day (Monday morning) because I messaged him, I told him I had a nice time, thanks for having me there, it'd be cool to see him again, and it went absolutely ignored. Literally no acknowledgement whatsoever.

Now, I get what people are saying but it is NOT a big effort to say "I'm just rushing to work, I'd like to talk about this later" or to in some way acknowledge what I've said. That isn't what happened, what happened was "I am still hungover, I felt like shit yesterday, i'm off to work, chat later".

To others I guess it's tomaytoes/tomatoes. To me, I look at it and think uh huh... that is just someone shutting me down immediately. Yup, he said he'd chat to me later, sure. I get that, but the way I tend to operate is that I acknowledge what someone said to me if I have any respect for them whatsoever. It's literally basic as fuck.

Perhaps what this is really about is a debate about what sex means to people, and yeah, to me it means that I think highly of someone, that I feel good around them, I like them, I think i've got the measure of them and that they're a decent person... Like this wasn't just some guy I picked up in a bar and didn't speak to at length PRIOR to sleeping with him. So perhaps that's the disconnect here.

I get that you never really know someone after 3 dates, totally aware of that, but yeah, I guess for me I thought I had the measure of the guy and I just couldn't have foreseen the complete shut down/lack of acknowledgement i got.
It actually took me a lot to lay my cards out, I was planning on not doing that at all, but I figured what the hell.

The last 15 years of my life have been spent in LTRs so perhaps I am just clueless about OLD, it certainly seems that way. I tend to like people who have a bit of depth to them, can have a conversation about various topics and show strong views and standings... which this guy did. So yes I am suprised that he's hidden behind the curtains on this one.

You live and learn!

No not really, i've said exactly what i think and why, but thanks for your input.

I agree with you. I think this is spot on.

Then you need to be clear with him about your expectations and next time you meet him for a coffee (do not sleep with this man again) lay your cards on the table, gently let him know you are looking for a serious relationship, ask him what he’s looking for and listen very carefully. I would meet him a couple times more (no sleep overs) and get to know him a bit before ditching him.

I'm with you, OP. I did a fairly intense couple of years of OLD a few years back and so have a fairly well tuned radar to this stuff!

So, he started off texting lots, puts in effort, 3 lovely dates, end up having sex then sudden change in communication, ignores your nice cards-on-the-table text. And people are saying you're to blame or overly needy etc?!

I'd say he wanted to date you into sex then keep you hanging for more of the same but on his timetable and without the same effort he put in pre-sex. Someone said to me "it's easier for them to fish the same hole" (yuck) so I doubt he'll disappear totally. You're doing the right thing to just delete and don't respond.

I also recommend going on the OLD thread on here (I assume there's still one running!). Sorry, I actually just noticed you didn't mention meeting him online so may not be useful but does have some good general dating advice/info.

Ugh for god’s sake. seriously?

he’s not interested and is doing the bare minimum in case he wants sex again, why should the OP tiptoe around his precious feelings and give up more of her time?!

you seem to know this man and his intentions very well. I want a crystal ball too :-)

Don’t worry you don’t need one to know when a guy is being a wanker… though judging by some of the threads on here you would think the opposite at times…

Lol I highly doubt he'll be organising to see me again quite frankly. I won't be rude to him, I will give him what he gives me...that isn't going to include sleeping together. It isn't happening again after this.

He would have to be seriously banging my door down for me to even consider bothering with him again, and let's face it, so far that hasn't happened. FYI i'm a 10 minute walk from him and he knows where I live.

When I start looking at the situation I realise that actually he's incredibly casual about it all, he's the guy who's like "where shall we go?" "what shall we do?" "how is 2ish..." and then at 3 he's like "oh sorry I fell asleep".

Literally the most decisive thing he's done so far is book a taxi to take me home. I'm not even joking. I bought most of the drinks on our first date and I binned him off mentally after that because it was less than impressive, he came back and obviously made a bit more effort which seemed to have worked and frankly that's fucking embarassing.

I'm laughing about it a bit more today... I mean the guy lives with his mother, he has a single bed (I did not have a good nights sleep) and he couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery if we're being honest. His mother is away on holiday right now.

He's extremely decisive about his opinions on world politics and issues outside his control, and that gives him I suppose an air of being someone he isn't. The reality is that he has lived most of his life in South Africa, he's had a baby with a girl he was "just seeing" in South Africa, she's apparently been "mean to him" and not let him see his daughter unless he pays child support so he's come here because apparently finding work there is hard so he comes to the UK, moves in with his mother, works as a classic car restorer and that's life for him right now and he's very upset he can't see his daughter.

Am I mad for thinking that if it was my daughter I wouldn't be moving to another country??? I don't think moving heaven and earth is something he's particularly familiar with when it comes to women....even his own daughter.

I kind of sympathised with him, because I live in a house share, I own a house that I can't live in right now because of my ex and we're trying to sell and it's a legal fight right now. So I wasn't judging him over his situation because y'know, life happens.

But then again... I do just get the impression that he flies by the seat of his pants in life a lot and uses motivational quotes to cover up the complete lack of direction that he has. "The amazing thing about life is that you never know what will happen" is the latest one.

I may upload one of my own - suggestions welcome for this situation!!

I suppose I found common ground with him in some respects, but actually there is no common ground at all really. I'm pretty decisive and strong willed, I have a good career, i'm paid well, I know what I want and I allowed magical thinking to run the show which landed me in bed with a rather unmotivated, lackadaisical man who lives with his mother and really has no game plan.

But maybe i've got it all wrong..... because he texted me and asked me "how was your day" again.... I mean ffs he was even asking me "what's good on TV right now" before we slept together.

He doesn't need a woman, he needs a TV guide, a self help book and some AI installed on his phone that suggests things he can say other than "how was your day".

I'm now embarassed by my choices....I will stick to gardening in the future and promise not to deviate. I am unqualified for this.

Massive schlong or not he doesn't exactly sound a great catch op

He doesn't sound like a great catch OP, has a baby with someone "who was just seeing?", left baby and moved to another country but is mad because he can't see his girl? Sounds like this man doesn't really know what he wants, do you know what you want? I believe this is important when you go into the dating field because it will help you weed these wishy washy types.

I think you got a lot of negative responses because you missed an awful lot out of your OP, knowing his background and history now from your updates makes it sound like he's just one of life's plodders, with zero ambition, and minimal effort, so it is not really surprising that sleeping together would make no difference to who he is and how he treats you, I don't get the impression he's playing games, he just seems like a waste of space, and would be a useless partner to someone with a bit of get up and go, there are plenty of them around.

Knowing everything you know I'm quite surprised that you wanted to take things further with him, that's not a slight on you just an observation that you can do better than accept the mediocre half arsed people, who have been proven to shirk their responsibilities, they will never get better, if anything once they get their feet under the table they will get worse.

I know... it's really quite annoying to be honest because it really was quite the thing.

You are right to be annoyed.

Despite your anger (or maybe because of it) I get the impression you still like him and if he made some kind of effort you’d continue seeing him. You’re devoting a lot of head space to a grown man who sleeps on a single bed in his mama’s house and doesn’t support his child. So yeah, this one needs throwing back.

If you do go back ‘there’ just do so with eyes wide open and know that it’s just sex on the table because this one is not a keeper and never will be.

Not relevant but I love your writing style. ‘More issues than Vogue’ is one that will stay with me for a long time😂😂

Yes i think it would have added far more context to who he is as a person... and I don't suppose I really considered that.
I didn't like to pass judgement on his life because I personally don't like people assuming that just because I live in a house share I am automatically a loser, so I didn't want the same judgement to fall on him. I've had all sorts of crap from people for living in a single room but the actual context of the situation is that I earn about 60k, have a successful job, own a house and it really is just circumstance right now.

Perhaps for him though I should be a bit harsher. I mean yeah.... I wouldn't be leaving my daughter in another country and f'ing off to the UK to live with my mum, I'd want to be there with my child and I'd go through the courts to get to her and pay my child support if I was him. But I don't know the situation so I don't want to be a dick about it and judge. It does seem odd though.

I'm fairly suprised I wanted to take things further as well to be honest, perhaps I was bored and his flirting just pinged my interest, I don't know. I'm happy single but you do sometimes think oh it would be great to have some romance in my life.

I'm unsure as to how having drunken sex in a guys single bed at his mothers house really equates to romance though....

Can I go away and come back to you on this please? As in... once I've had a lobotomy.