Feel really hurt and used

[roses321]

I don't think this is anything new to be honest but I just wanted to vent on here.

I've been single for just over a year, I haven't slept with anyone or bothered with trying to pursue a relationship, but I met this one guy recently and he seemed great. He said all the right things, seemed to really have a good set of values and was extremely respectful.

Long story short, I ended up going home with him on Saturday night and we slept together. I left on Sunday morning and he did text me, but barely, and it was nothing to do with the weekend we spent together or anything else. It was about things in the news or TV shows he was watching.
By Sunday night I kind of felt like shit, and I felt quite used even though there was no reason to feel that way - I'm a grown adult, I made a choice, and I went into it fully aware that he might tell me he didn't want to see me again. I would have been disappointed, but I could have handled it.

What I didn't foresee at all, was him just NOT addressing it, not saying anything, not giving me any indication of whether he wanted to see me again, or even acknowledging that it had happened.

I decided that I didn't have anything to lose, so I laid my cards on the table and told him I had a lovely time with him, thought he was a great guy, and I had fun etc.

The response I got made me really mad. Literally not even an acknowledgement of anything I just said, just "oh I had a hangover yesterday and felt shit" (we went out drinking) and then a "anyway got to go to work, chat later".

I told him that frankly chatting later wasn't necessary. He then followed up saying he found my earring on his bedroom floor and I said don't worry just bin it. He sent me a laughing emoji and just an "ok".

Excuse me but WTF. Is it too much to expect someone to behave like an actual adult and not just run away from acknowledging that yes, we slept together and just be honest and upfront if you don't want more? I'm really fuming. I feel so angry about it and utterly suprised since this is NOT what I expected him to behave like, it is completely out of character with how he presented himself, completely childish and I have just decided to not utter one more word to him, as much as I want to verbally bite his head off, I know that it'll do me no good whatsoever so I won't bother.

Seriously though WHAT THE HECK? You dont' have to want a relationship with someone to behave like a respectful human being ffs.

what would you like him to say?

I've made it very clear he won't be getting anymore airtime Becki, I think i've said that several times now.

As for online dating and it being a moderate experience, oh yes I know, the last relationship I was in was abusive and I had to deal with broken doors, calling Reguge and fleeing from my home, so if we're having a pissing contest over who had a worse experience I'm right there with you that this "wasn't the worst" by any means.

Like I said though, I came here to vent, I know this is nothing new (I think those were the two things I said at the very start of my post). Sometimes it just helps to get it off your chest because regardless of the severity of the situation, none of it tastes nice to be honest, it isn't a good experience.

I have no intention of becoming a veteran of online dating, I'm certainly a veteran of dealing with mens bs, the frustrating thing being that regardless of how much you learn and how well you think you judge someone, you simply will never get it right all the time. I'd personally rather not give away bed post notches to assholes, but I guess that's just how it goes sometimes isn't it.

This is not AIBU. I think some people should remember that. Do you just enjoy making someone feel worse?

I'm unsure as to how i'm over-reacting by posting a vent on a forum of mostly women whilst saying absolutely jack shit to him.

I do love it when women accuse other women of over reacting for being frustrated, I mean we truly are screwed aren't we.

So what is it then Samatha? Shut my mouth, say nothing, get my pinny out and bake a cake?

Being upset about a lack of manners and decorum from another person is not an over reaction. Going over to his house and kicking him in the nuts, or sending him reams and reams of abuse on whatsapp may however be an over reaction I'll give you that - luckily, I have done none of these things. I have no plans to do them either. So over reaction? No. Being a bit pissed off by the lack of decency and venting in a so called safe space about it? I think that's quite healthy actually.

Jesus. I think it’s easier if everyone should just agree with you and tell you that you’re right. Of course that’s the whole purpose of posting your story to an online forum. He definitely should have entered a very detailed conversation about the sex you had through texts as soon as possible, with every last detail of appreciation, because that would be completely normal.

sent from my iphon

LMFAO!!!

Gosh I really don't understand why people decide to deliberately twist a situation to the other extreme to attempt to make a point.

Where have I actually said that was my expectation. Please show me.

Why are you being rude to people here?

I haven’t twisted anything. Read your first post and every post since where you’ve been extremely rude to anybody offering a viewpoint, most being very sensitive.

I get your point that it's hurtful for someone to go cool on you, but I do think you're being over defensive because of your hurt feelings.

The more moderate viewpoint is that he hasn't done anything particularly bad. It just hasn't lived up to your expectations. He didn't even definitely say he wasn't interested in you. You've not been ghosted.

Hi, hope you had a good day.

I had a great/not so great <delete as appropriate> evening on Saturday, and I would/would not <delete as appropriate> like to see you again. Let me know what you think?

That's kind of it really. Just a bit of acknowledgment, some manners, some statements of intent.... that'd be great really.

Slightly better than

"This TV show is well fucked up" and absolutely nothing else. It kind of just doesn't really give me much to work with considering we were naked less than 24 hours ago. But yeah...sure, maybe it's me. Me and my wild expectations arouond manners and decency. Weirdly there was no confusion whatsoever when I was going back to his house, intentions were extremely clear... it only got confusing after I left. I wonder if that is deliberate?? I'll have a think shall I.

Sorry but if Ive gone on a date with someone and slept with them for the first time then yes they BETTER mention something along the lines of it the next day! Even just a simple, last night was great, did you enjoy it so to speak

I've also never had a man NOT mention it the next day to some extent.

It would actually make me wonder if they even remember the sex 🤣🤣🤣 like who just acts like nothing happened .... Was just a same old Saturday night yaknow 🤣

You know what’s really coming out here is your pain, it’s kind of hiding behind anger but to me it feels like you’re really going through something here. I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. You deserve care and love and respect just as much as the next person. I completely understand and sympathise with your frustration and disappointment. Hugs.

I'm not attempting to be defensive, it's just that I already have my opinions on the situation. I already know my expectations, I haven't come here to debate those standards and then go home feeling better because I was told my expectations are unreasonable and oh well that's ok then.

My expectations aren't rocket science, but there are various people twisting the situation to make it out that i want something insane from him, when in reality that's not the case.

Quite a few people have said he's rude, he's a jackass and bin him, and yup, already done. I'm nearly 40 years old, I already know where I stand with this. My frustration is around the personality switch he's pulled and the simple lack of decency post "event".

I mean at the end of it all I basically just shouldn't have gone home with him and I get that, it's like crying over split milk a bit, but this is mumsnet and I did think it was ok to get some support over spilt milk especially when I thought I had a lidded beaker on my hands and it then turned into a fucking martini glass without a base. I mean c'mon!

I’m sorry you’re hurt. I would’ve been too. Just don’t shag then until you know they’re genuinely keen on you. It’s the only way,

Wait ages. Months. Let the users fade away and the nice ones stick around. (They will.) Bd honest - you’re not someone who enjoys or can be cool with meaningless casual sex and only want to shag people in relationships. For truly kind, commitment-oriented men that’ll be the sexiest thing you could say.

I’ll get slated on MN for saying any of that but it worked for me. I couldn’t do casual sex. It hurt me too much. I waited 4 months before I shagged DH so we were well into the relationship/ILY stage and was great.

Ditto... until now.

It just seems WEIRD. Really weird. Literally it's had me going wtf is going on here. Did I just have the most vivid dream of my life including waking up in yesterdays makeup and wondering why I didn't bring a hairbrush with me?

No... no it really did happen, but apparently to him it really didn't happen. I've never known anything quite like it to be honest.

Thank you!

This is my exact point. So strange.

Just wanted to say I've read the thread and you sound AMAZING. Genuinely I just like you so much from your replies! And also I would feel exactly the same.

I am sorry you are hurt.

From the account of your interaction, it sounds like you were pretty unresponsive to his comments about current affairs TV etc. Then later you said the stuff about wanting to see him again etc. Then when he tried to message you the next day you were unhappy he hadn't responded in the way you wanted him to you ended things.....

If a man or woman behaved towards me in the way you did to him, I would choose not to pursue a relationship with them as I would

A) wonder why they had been more or less ignoring me all day when I had tried to chat.
B) find them then suddenly declaring a desire to pursue a relationship a bit intense.
C) be hurt when I tried to message them the next day and they suddenly ended things!
D) just feel like they were looking for a mind reader, and I am not that, so whenever I feel like a man or woman is looking for that, I tend to avoid!

To me, this would be way too much drama for someone I had only slept with once....

But I may well be in a minority. Plenty of men and women agree that you were in the right and he behaved badly, events, as you can see from this thread.

In relationships there often is no right or wrong - it's just important to find a good match. This guy wasn't a good match for you - it sounds like you both feel differently about sex, and also your communication styles don't gel well.

Lucky escape, possibly for both of you. But again, I am sorry you were hurt by it. I doubt he meant it to be hurtful. My reading is that he did probably like you and want to see you again, else he wouldn't have been texting you at all. But you are so different, it clearly would not have worked......

I'm sorry this happened to you @roses321 . He's being very rude. I hope you meet someone better. Perhaps hold off the sex for a month, until you get to know them better.

This is what worries me about dating. Often, women's and men's expectations are very different.

Probably most men are happy with a no-strings attached shag. And are happy to not let you know that's all they want.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

I treat my body like I would my house or bank account: I don't give strangers access. 😂

I see your point, and compared to some people no, it isn't "particularly bad", I think the issue for me really is the personality change he's exhibited.

I probably haven't made it particularly clear what he was saying prior to me going home with him, but it was EXTREMELY different to how he's behaved since Saturday. Literally an overnight switch.

Like I said, if I was a raging disappointment to him in bed then fair enough, but at least have the balls to say "i don't want to see you again but thanks for a nice time".

We're not here debating how bad his behaviour is, I am not asking for it on a scale of 1/10 either, I think this is where people are getting upset. My last relationship was a DA relationship and I fled my home so I know what bad looks like, I am just frustrated that it's taken me a long time to open up to someone again, and they have apparently lost the ability to be behave decently overnight just because I slept with them.

It's not cool really is it. It's worthy of frustration and anger when you feel kind of like you've been tricked into a situation you would not have gone into had you known they would treat you this way afterwards. If he had said he just wanted a ONS I would have at least be able to make a decision on that, but it's the trickery and the deceit that is why i'm angry about it.

I don't wish to debate my right to have those emotions with people, I came to vent about it and have a good moan about how shitty it is, not to get told I was over reacting, this that and the next thing. I'm not over reacting and I know that, I was gaslit in my last relationship for a very long time into thinking I was over reacting when i'm not - i'm very aware now after a LOT of work on myself what is/isn't reasonable behaviour.

Fire bombing his house - unreasonable.
Coming on the internet to moan anonymously - perfectly reasonable.

Sending him tons of abuse - unreasonable
Not allowing my standards and views to be debated on a public forum - reasonable. But i understand other people will have a problem with that sometimes.

You sound really aggressive and rude tbh. It's either "Agree with everything I say or piss off". Maybe having sex has nothing to do with why he's now gone cold.