Feel really hurt and used

[roses321]

I don't think this is anything new to be honest but I just wanted to vent on here.

I've been single for just over a year, I haven't slept with anyone or bothered with trying to pursue a relationship, but I met this one guy recently and he seemed great. He said all the right things, seemed to really have a good set of values and was extremely respectful.

Long story short, I ended up going home with him on Saturday night and we slept together. I left on Sunday morning and he did text me, but barely, and it was nothing to do with the weekend we spent together or anything else. It was about things in the news or TV shows he was watching.
By Sunday night I kind of felt like shit, and I felt quite used even though there was no reason to feel that way - I'm a grown adult, I made a choice, and I went into it fully aware that he might tell me he didn't want to see me again. I would have been disappointed, but I could have handled it.

What I didn't foresee at all, was him just NOT addressing it, not saying anything, not giving me any indication of whether he wanted to see me again, or even acknowledging that it had happened.

I decided that I didn't have anything to lose, so I laid my cards on the table and told him I had a lovely time with him, thought he was a great guy, and I had fun etc.

The response I got made me really mad. Literally not even an acknowledgement of anything I just said, just "oh I had a hangover yesterday and felt shit" (we went out drinking) and then a "anyway got to go to work, chat later".

I told him that frankly chatting later wasn't necessary. He then followed up saying he found my earring on his bedroom floor and I said don't worry just bin it. He sent me a laughing emoji and just an "ok".

Excuse me but WTF. Is it too much to expect someone to behave like an actual adult and not just run away from acknowledging that yes, we slept together and just be honest and upfront if you don't want more? I'm really fuming. I feel so angry about it and utterly suprised since this is NOT what I expected him to behave like, it is completely out of character with how he presented himself, completely childish and I have just decided to not utter one more word to him, as much as I want to verbally bite his head off, I know that it'll do me no good whatsoever so I won't bother.

Seriously though WHAT THE HECK? You dont' have to want a relationship with someone to behave like a respectful human being ffs.

I know that's exactly what I thought. If they just straight out say thank you but i don't want more then you can move on, but when they say nothing and do the slow fade it really is selfish and puts you in a place where you're just hanging around waiting - they go online on whattsapp but don't message and you just sit there and think wtf is going on.

It's REALLY shitty. I have had so much peace without guys in my life, let one in and it's like you've decided to blend chocolate in your white kitchen without a lid.

I'll get my cloth out I suppose.

“Rude and dismissive” is subjective and often meaning and intention can be misconstrued in messages. Who hasn’t received an email and thought “this person is a twat” and then found them lovely in person. I’m offering balance, not making excuses for him. You’ll notice I’ve at no point said he is or isn’t a dick. My whole point was there isn’t enough to say either way from OP’s post and there could be another side that’s got lost or not been considered.

It seems really immature to be honest. But I did used to behave like that a bit with men I slept with casually. Like I'd kind of pretend it didn't happen. This was when I was in my 20s and I certainly wouldn't act that way now if I was casually dating.
I'm in my 40s and God knows what I'd do approaching dating at this stage tbh!? Minefield doesn't cover it really. So I feel your pain.
He clearly doesn't want anything more serious and it's a shame he couldn't have just said 'thanks, that was fun but I'd rather cool it off'. Not exactly romantic but at least honest.
Just move on, you'll find someone decent. He's clearly not it.

I don't blame you for feeling hurt. Isn't there this biological thing that happens where women feel more invested after sex (oxytocin) and men feel less invested?

Either way, it's shit when you feel like someone has been making an effort and then they do this.

LMFAO. Well the disappointing thing is that actually, he was in great shape and his cock was legit absolutely massive. So it's a definite pisser that I won't be seeing him again. The sex was ok, but when you've had a few drinks and it's the first time with someone it's often not the best - i think it could have been f'ing awesome, but i'll never find out will I!

Sex is not a gift from a woman to a man, it’s not a reward for a meal or a certain number of dates.

Sex should be a mutually enjoyable, mutually agreed upon act.

It is very reasonable to be disappointed it wasn’t as good as you wanted, or disappointed the other person didn’t want a repeat, but to see it as a prize that you gave away to the wrong person is a mistake.

Becki, nobody is asking you if you think he's a dick. At no point have I asked for your opinion on the situation. I am in the situation, I have decided the guy is an asshole, I have stated my reasons why he's an asshole. That is all you need to know. You can either join the sisterhood and decide he's an asshole so I feel better about the entire situation, or you can take your devils advocate opinions elsewhere and play the balance game on a thread where an opinion is being sought.

Generally, when a guy sleeps with you and then signifcantly cools down, stops texting as much or avoids the subject of time spent together and doesn't state further intentions, he's a gaming fuck boy who isn't worth your time. If you're not aware of that yet, then please take this as a teachable moment before you have the misfortune to run into one of these douchecanoes yourself.

I took a risk and it backfired, I own that, i'm not asking for sympathy, i'm just another woman on the internet raging about men who are jerks. We are not debating his jerkiness though. That is already decided by me, the one who slept with him.

Excuse me but where did I say that!?

He sounds really immature not pushing 40. You don’t have to be a romantic soul or be OTT to acknowledge someone has spent the night with you.
Honestly, has he been with a woman before?
Yes, equally consenting adults.
But honestly going from spending the night to texting about Trump. He’s not a mate from the pub, you think he’d have made an effort to try to make a better connection than that.
Even if he did want to meet you again OP I wouldn’t see this going anywhere. He sounds boring, to be honest, going on about his hangover.
And a bit lazy.
Just read a thread on here about simple things that make a partner sexy. Again, it’s not mountains of raunchy texts but there are grown up men out there who know how to treat a new partner.
And there are immature ones with zero knowledge of what makes a lot of women tick.
Throw him back.

Yeah i should have paid more heed to this to be honest, but a few drinks and not wanting the night to end... you end up doing the inevitable.

Don't worry he's already been thrown back and i'm holding his head under the water for good measure.

I slept on date one with my hubby and he's still here 15 years later...

I've heard a few people say that. I don't subscribe to the whole "wait x amount of time". All it actually does is draw out the inevitable. If someone is a jerk, they are going to be a jerk, if you want to delay seeing their true jerkiness until you're 6 months in knock yourself out, but if a guy is decent then he'll be decent from the start.

This is why i've thrown him back, because he isn't decent unless he's getting something for it. That isn't how I roll.

Good for you but we're not talking about how long to wait for sex.. we're talking about respect,decency and manners.

@IDontHateRainbows so do you honestly think if you slept with him on the first date he wouldn't be your dh now?

A bad man will be bad whatever you decide to do or not do.

Well to be totally honest I did tell you, he’s not right for you no matter how shit he is. If you want the sisterhood solidarity it’s me telling you to put this guy out of your head and chalk it up to experience for online dating and be glad you didn’t waste even more time on him.

I’m happily married to an amazing man now, but I’m an online dating veteran. I’m sorry to say this is considered a moderate experience by online dating standards…. One guy stole my card details when I went to the toilet on one of our dates. No word of a lie.

You 100% have my solidarity on how shit online dating is and I will rant from the rooftops with you on that point! xxx

I'm unsure as to how stating that I don't want unsolicited advice from people who are playing devils advocate on a situation where it has not been asked for is rude, or how you think being rude in response to me being "rude" is giving you any moral highground whatsoever in this situation.

But hey... apparently a lot of things are confusing and illogical right now so I will just roll with it.

Maybe you had a great time but he didn’t , maybe he’s just not that into you, maybe he has no intentions to get into a relationship, maybe he does but he’s just met you and he’s seeing “where it goes”. You my dear are over reacting, plus you don’t know this guy from Adam, you’re just getting to know him and what you’re finding out about him doesn’t sound too great unfortunately. Plenty of fish, keep your possibilities open and continue dating other guys because he’s probably doing the same.

In my whole life I have never heard of anyone texting someone after first time sex to say 'I had a nice time but I don't want to see you again'.

If someone sent that to you wouldn't you be enraged by the condescension and presumption? I have a feeling you would.

OP I have been there and I totally get it. The the guy was really cowardly and messaged like this twat did to you afterwards... It was a classic slow-fade (a phrase / concept I did not know about at the time). I wish I hadn't, but I was invested after sleeping with him, so I kept on messaging and his replies kept getting more and more uninterested. We did meet up a second time (me going to his home town for a second time, like a fool) and then same thing happened with the slow fade. I'm annoyed with myself as wasted ages on him as he was the first person I had liked, let alone slept with, after my marriage ended and wish I had acted as decisively as you've done!
As a PP said, I behaved like this in my 20's but at 41 I would have thought better from this person.
I dunno if it's Internet dating or just modern life, but I've had friends who've had similar experiences to yourself and me. Guys who are happy to have a shag, wouldn't say no to another one, but are dismissive and preeetty much unbothered either way. It's bizarre. It's horrible to sleep with someone then end up feeling used / a bit daft afterwards.

Anyway I congratulate you on how you're acting so decisively as this fella seems very uncurteous. (I especially hate the laughing emoji in relation to throwing your earring in the bin, it really grinds my gears for some reason!) Sending you good vibes x

I came here to vent, not ask for your assessment of the situation.

Wow. I had some sympathy for you until this, OP. If you don’t want to hear other people’s thoughts, maybe don’t post on a public forum…