Feel really hurt and used

[roses321]

I don't think this is anything new to be honest but I just wanted to vent on here.

I've been single for just over a year, I haven't slept with anyone or bothered with trying to pursue a relationship, but I met this one guy recently and he seemed great. He said all the right things, seemed to really have a good set of values and was extremely respectful.

Long story short, I ended up going home with him on Saturday night and we slept together. I left on Sunday morning and he did text me, but barely, and it was nothing to do with the weekend we spent together or anything else. It was about things in the news or TV shows he was watching.
By Sunday night I kind of felt like shit, and I felt quite used even though there was no reason to feel that way - I'm a grown adult, I made a choice, and I went into it fully aware that he might tell me he didn't want to see me again. I would have been disappointed, but I could have handled it.

What I didn't foresee at all, was him just NOT addressing it, not saying anything, not giving me any indication of whether he wanted to see me again, or even acknowledging that it had happened.

I decided that I didn't have anything to lose, so I laid my cards on the table and told him I had a lovely time with him, thought he was a great guy, and I had fun etc.

The response I got made me really mad. Literally not even an acknowledgement of anything I just said, just "oh I had a hangover yesterday and felt shit" (we went out drinking) and then a "anyway got to go to work, chat later".

I told him that frankly chatting later wasn't necessary. He then followed up saying he found my earring on his bedroom floor and I said don't worry just bin it. He sent me a laughing emoji and just an "ok".

Excuse me but WTF. Is it too much to expect someone to behave like an actual adult and not just run away from acknowledging that yes, we slept together and just be honest and upfront if you don't want more? I'm really fuming. I feel so angry about it and utterly suprised since this is NOT what I expected him to behave like, it is completely out of character with how he presented himself, completely childish and I have just decided to not utter one more word to him, as much as I want to verbally bite his head off, I know that it'll do me no good whatsoever so I won't bother.

Seriously though WHAT THE HECK? You dont' have to want a relationship with someone to behave like a respectful human being ffs.

It’s the age old story; you got your fingers burnt. I’d rather NOT hear from him anymore tbh

I think this is the kind of hurt and anger you feel when you've dropped your guard and allowed yourself to be vulnerable and they shit all over you.
He does sound like a dick. Cooled right off once he got what he wanted. Not surprised op is confused and angry, I would be too! Common decency isn't that difficult!

Oh yes because comments like this targeted at the op are the height of politeness and respect.

That comment is mild compared to OP’s. Very mild indeed.

Talk about dramatics !!!

Why didn't you tell him how great the sex was?

You were the one who told him not to bother when he said he would chat later.

you told him to put your earring in the bin.

the man was probably flummoxed by your replies and thinks you’re the one giving him the swerve.

I won't be patronised, spoken down to, told i'm unreasonable or have it blown out of proportion. That simple really.

I suggest you don't post on Mumsnet again then. It really is that simple.

It's all about the difference though surely, how he messaged/acted before the sex compared to afterwards. The OP recognised a shift in his attitude and not in a good way.

I don’t quite understand why you are so angry. He did carry on texting you, in a relaxed and friendly way, it sounds like he was expecting to chat to you later. He is probably wondering wtf has just happened and why YOU have had a sudden character change.

@Feel really hurt and used You took a risk by having sex with a man you hardly knew. Now you're coming over all hurt. I could only be hurt by someone who means a lot to me.

What I meant is that all of a sudden you've become overly invested in a guy you've seen 3 times and don't know from adam. Lack of decency? what did the poor sod did? You on the other hand told him to bin your earring and acted all pissy with him after sending him a message stating how much fun and how good the sex was. I'm sure he's looking at his phone right now feeling puzzled.

Gosh the bullies are out in force.

And I don't mean @Sofuk

Was his communication on Sunday noticeably colder or was it similar to what it had been previously?

I agree it would be hurtful that he didn’t acknowledge the shift.

I’m not sure about this OP - so whilst he didn’t acknowledge the shift, it’s not it like he ghosted you or ended it? Maybe he had a great time, would quite like a repeat, and didn’t express himself as he should? I would have given it a day or so?

How is he disrespecting her? Because he didn't answer with lots of heart emojis stating "I had a lot of fun and the sex was great for me too when are we seeing again?". Have you thought that maybe the guy didn't had that much of a great time or he's not into her like she seems to be into him?

I like you OP! You sound like my kind of person!

I had a similar but not quite the same encounter recently… although it involves sexting/video sex. Chatted to him casually online for years… don’t live on the same continent so we both know it’s never going to actually be anything. He video calls and it turns into the aforementioned. The next few days/week or so pass and it’s starkly noticeable that he’s a loooot cooler. I call him out on it because I cannot abide men who do this and the excuses keep rolling. I stop bothering and he comes back with the flirting!

It’s enough to put me off men for good! And this was just an online interaction so god only knows how I’d handle it in person!

So what did he do wrong?
Did he test her? Yes.
Did he make polite conversation? Yes.
Did he ignore her? No.
Was he rude? No, but she was.

How has he disrespected her. He texted several times, and said he’d chat later. OP went very full on with her reply and was disappointed that he didn’t respond in kind. Maybe he would have done later? Maybe he was put off by intense message? Maybe he wasn’t as keen as OP? We’ll never know!

What happened on the Sunday morning? I'm not sure you've mentioned it?

I personally think that is more important then what was said (or not said) via text after you'd left?

In relationships there often is no right or wrong - it's just important to find a good match. This guy wasn't a good match for you - it sounds like you both feel differently about sex, and also your communication styles don't gel well.

Lucky escape, possibly for both of you. But again, I am sorry you were hurt by it. I doubt he meant it to be hurtful. My reading is that he did probably like you and want to see you again, else he wouldn't have been texting you at all. But you are so different, it clearly would not have worked......

These are wise words from @Ilovelurchers It's clear there's quite an even split between people who don't think he's done anything wrong and people who are so appalled by his behaviour that they are accusing those who see his side of being cheap and not having self respect. In your relationship of course it's only what you feel that matters but I'm with those who don't think this was the terrible slight you've taken it to be. And you didn't make clear that your first post was only a vent and that dissenting opinions weren't welcome so people did nothing wrong by replying otherwise. Sometimes it can be helpful to be gently nudged to consider alternative perspectives. You've since made it very clear that you only want to hear he's rude and a terrible person so it's good you found out he isn't for you before wasting any more time.

OP, you sound like you have boundaries and expectations, in a good way. I don’t think you are wrong to feel miffed, he isn’t giving you what you expect/want.

I would chalk it up to experience and not let it irk you.

What I don't really get is how you'd prefer him to text you an immediate "Thanks but no thanks" rather than idle chit chat about the news. I'd feel utterly wretched to get the former, especially by text - like I'd failed an audition I didn't even know was an audition. The latter, I'd give the benefit of the doubt and think he was just feeling comfortable to chit chat.

The dichotomy of our times: venting on a public forum where people can comment and give their opinion on posts and then poster get pissed off when people giver their opinion in the comments section of said vent. 🫠
Mate, I don’t think it was the sex that put him of you....