DH is upset and this has changed my view of PIL ☹️

[OrangeWaffle]

DH has two older sisters. His parents provided childcare for the oldest one and for the last few years have provided childcare for the middle sister. DH has always assumed that when we had a baby, they would again offer to do childcare. I have been on MN for years however so I have never assumed this would be the case.

Well, I am pregnant and at the weekend, MIL contacted DH out of the blue to let us know that PIL wouldn’t be providing any childcare to us “due to their childcare commitments” to his older (middle) sister. For context, they have provided full days of childcare to our niece and nephew when they were young and now they are at school they do all drop offs and pick ups. DSIL and DBIL have never had to pay for childcare.

Well, DH is broken hearted. Some actions and comments over the years (since childhood) have made him think he isn’t the ‘golden child’ and this seems to have cemented it. On the one hand, I think DPIL have every right to carry on with their commitments. On the other hand a bit of me does think, perhaps for once DSIL and DBIL could arrange their own childcare, and PIL could treat their own children fairly?!

I worry that this is going to affect things for DH’s relationship with his parents going forward, any advice on how I can support him?

If this is only one in a trail of things that make him feel lesser then he’s not being unreasonable but I’d point out that this is often the the fate of the youngest sibling or the last to have children and in the grandparents’s defence, they’ve done a lot for their (other) grandchildren and they are older now than when they embarked on it. It is harder to break existing patterns than to not establish them in the first place.

If the baby is born and they show little interest then his fears will be confirmed but if they are as thrilled and supportive as they were with their other grandchildren then I’d just put it down to them realising regular childcare would be too much now and with their existing commitments. It least they’ve let you know at the earliest possible time rather than last minute.

You're right, gp don't owe anyone childcare. But I can understand why your dh is upset, it does seem like they are favouring their dd.

I remember my dm telling me 'don't think we'll look after the baby' after I told them I was pregnant. I hadn't even thought that far ahead but was gobsmacked this was the first thing that popped in their head - even before congratulations. My db however did get childcare, this hurt quite a lot and showed my how unequal we've always been treated

I would agree with your thinking @LightDrizzle but they are going to continue providing five days of drop offs, pick ups and after school care for our niece and nephew so it’s not as though they are too tired to stop?

Support him by allowing him to make whatever choices he needs to in regards to the relationship he has with his parents. If he wants to distance himself from them, support him in that.

Given that they are now older than when the first one came along, and have done a lot of care for the others, they've probably had enough! Totally understandable, but I can see how this would hurt your DH's feelings.
I think he just needs to accept it. My own situation is very similar, I don't begrudge my in laws wanting to finally wind down. Its just bad luck of being the youngest.

I definitely will do. I’ll follow his lead. Thank you.

I think it's unfair to expect them to change the arrangements when SIL and BIL are already relying on them.

My parents did loads of childcare for my sibling but told me a couple of years ago they wouldn't be able to do it for me too because of the arrangements already in place, and their age. I didn't even question it tbh, my kids, my hassle to arrange childcare!

Drop offs and pick ups of school age children are very different to looking after toddlers. I’d say that understandably they’ll feel like they’ve done their time, but agree it is unfair for your DH.

Yes, very true. You’ve got me thinking about the way in which they shared this with him. Their reasoning was simply that they can’t offer childcare for us as they have to maintain their existing childcare commitments for his sister. I wonder if they’d mentioned the fact that they feel less able to do it these days as they’re older, if that would have gone down better with him. Although I can imagine what he’d say if I said that to him: well if that were the case why aren’t they also stopping childcare for DSIL?

But drop off and pick ups are a small part of the day. Maybe they just feel that having a baby to look after on top of that is too much. Sounds like they've been babysitting for a number of years maybe they just feel they're getting to old to have a baby several days a week

I do think you're being unreasonable though in expecting them to stop their current arrangement in favour of your baby.

My grandparents put their foot down when my parents had my younger sibling as they had provided childcare for 11 years and were approaching 70 . They wanted the rest of their retirement for themselves and I don't blame them . My mother held a grudge about it though .

Yes, I would have never expected or assumed for them to do it for us. But I think looking at it from DH’s perspective it could be seen as unfair/favouritism.

it is difficult. Do his parents feel that his sisters need more help eg they are less independent/have less support at home/ have less money? It doesn't bother DH at all but his parents have consistently supported his siblings more than us, particularly financially - but it's basically because him and I are together, fairly stable, jobs etc. While both of his siblings have had a bit more to overcome.

And to be fair, now that they are older, while DH does a LOT of practical things for his parents, his siblings are the ones who are likely to have them move in and be the day to day carers as they get older (admittedly, in part, that's financial - their financial support when they move in will be life changing for his respective siblings but still).

Is it perhaps that they think of child care as 'womens work' and so by offering to help his sisters , they feel they are directly helping their own daughters out, whereas by offering childcare to your DH they feel like they'd be helping you out which they see as lower priority because you're not their offspring?

if that were the case why aren’t they also stopping childcare for DSIL

You're kidding! There's a massive difference between doing school runs & looking after a baby

Arguably, childcare in the form of school drop offs and pick ups is a LOT less onerous than lookng after a baby for a full day.

First come, first served is pretty usual in these situations.

@OrangeWaffle

I only hope when DPIL get to the stage where they need help then the other siblings will remember the child care they provided and step up ? I hope your husband doesn't get put on .

I think DH is also worried that the fantastic bond they have with both of his sisters’ children won’t be there for our child/ren.

I want to make it very clear that we are self-sufficient and personally I have never expected they would do childcare. Let’s just say when I did the spreadsheets before TTC, I budgeted for full time nursery!

I’m now wondering if that’s another reason he’s upset - whereas I have anticipated this would be the case and have done so for a while, it’s not surprised me? Whereas it’s come out of the blue for him as a bit of a curve ball and a shock. Added on to other issues of being overlooked/treated as ‘lesser’ over the years.

Do his parents feel that his sisters need more help eg they are less independent/have less support at home/ have less money?

No, while all three of their children are happily married etc, in terms of jobs/incomes, we are definitely the poorest of the three households! 😅

Honestly, it's wilfully naive not to realise that school pick ups for older kids are very different to childcare for babies/ toddlers.
I think they're being great in asserting their boundaries early.

I do think a lot of families favour the daughter and their children, we have the same and I also felt sad for my husband, but as far as I'm concerned my children don't need anyone else as long as they have us. PIL 100% don't have to provide childcare but it would not hurt for them to offer to babysit once a month so we could pop out for a meal.

I don't really know what you DH expects though. That they will mind his sisters children plus start again with a baby? Maybe they enjoy the lighter commitment of drop off/ collection with the older grandchildren. I really don't think it'll mean they love his baby any less if that's what he is worried about.

From PIL perspective:

1. They stop looking after their middle child’s children, who are now easier because it’s just school run and they can entertain themselves. Middle child doesn’t see this coming and wonders why she should be inconvenienced now you’re having a child. Older sister got childcare for however many years she needed and she’s now being ditched for younger brother’s childcare. She feels she is not the favourite.
2. They continue looking after middle child’s children and look after your child. If you have more than one child they are committing themselves to looking after baby/toddlers for many years and then doing the school run. Potentially to different schools, lugging baby and toddler to the school run. Which is exhausting just thinking about it.
3. They tell youngest son they can’t look after his child(ren) due to existing commitments because they don’t want to admit they’re getting older and finding childcare tiring but school run to older kids is significantly easier than baby and toddler years. Youngest son is put out because he’s “lesser”. PIL can’t really win.

DH is the non-favourite so I get that it’s hard when PIL don’t treat their kids equally, especially when you think the one you’re married to is absolutely the best thing ever. Your husband needs to realise that, whilst there may be some decisions made over the years because he isn’t the favourite one, this isn’t one. This is simply two people who have raised 3 children and then done childcare for numerous grandchildren and they are tired. It’s not a youngest thing. My friend is the oldest and last to have a baby in her family and is facing the same situation. This might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back for your husband and if that’s the case, his kids definitely won’t have a close relationship with his parents. If he wants them to have a close relationship, you might need to do more heavy lifting but suggest outings with them and your kids will see it as a fun thing when grandparents are around.

I’m in this position, however my husband has never really complained. I felt a bit upset by it because of the relationship between DC hasn’t been nurtured in the way it was with nieces and nephews, plus when I was struggling I had no support and it was more about those things than actual childcare. In time I have let it go. It’s not my responsibility to nurture a good relationship between them and I am proud of myself for coping alone when DH is away working. I’ve also realised it isn’t about me and it isn’t about my DC, it’s about them, it’s their choice not to engage in the same way and Me feeling hurt isn’t going to change that so why waste feelings.