DH is upset and this has changed my view of PIL ☹️

[OrangeWaffle]

DH has two older sisters. His parents provided childcare for the oldest one and for the last few years have provided childcare for the middle sister. DH has always assumed that when we had a baby, they would again offer to do childcare. I have been on MN for years however so I have never assumed this would be the case.

Well, I am pregnant and at the weekend, MIL contacted DH out of the blue to let us know that PIL wouldn’t be providing any childcare to us “due to their childcare commitments” to his older (middle) sister. For context, they have provided full days of childcare to our niece and nephew when they were young and now they are at school they do all drop offs and pick ups. DSIL and DBIL have never had to pay for childcare.

Well, DH is broken hearted. Some actions and comments over the years (since childhood) have made him think he isn’t the ‘golden child’ and this seems to have cemented it. On the one hand, I think DPIL have every right to carry on with their commitments. On the other hand a bit of me does think, perhaps for once DSIL and DBIL could arrange their own childcare, and PIL could treat their own children fairly?!

I worry that this is going to affect things for DH’s relationship with his parents going forward, any advice on how I can support him?

Please ask yourself when they will get the freedom to do that before it's too late?

And most of us don't know it's going to be too late until it's way too late.

Are your own parents in the picture?

I can understand where your DH is coming from and definitely let him take the lead but perhaps you can discuss with him ways to foster the relationship between your child and grandparents that doesnt involve childcare.

My Nanna pretty much raised one of my cousins due to her parents work so they were very close but all the other grandchildren had a fabulous relationship with her. She never showed favoritism when it came to birthdays/Christmas and made the effort to go to all of our events that she could.

Wow can you not see how a full day looking after a baby is completely different to doing after school? I can see why they don't want to go back to looking after babies. I'm not at that stage yet but I'm defo over having an actual baby now that my own kids are older

If they were stopping the childcare totally because the wanted to slow down it go on cruises until they die, then I'd say fair enough. But to continue offering lots of help for one child, while doing nothing for the other, is literally the definition of unfair!

As a GP, I do school pick ups and also look after Grandchildren at home. I would much rather look after a baby/ toddler at home for I long full day than do 2 or 3 days of drop offs and pick ups for older children.

It's nice they are getting closer now though. There are prob a lot of special memories your DC do have with their gran.

My MIL minded my BILs 2 children 2 days per week when they were little, they're now 16 and 14. She wanted my DS 1 day per week but she became ill when I was pregnant, she wouldn't be able to now. It is sad that my DS won't get that time with her but she is a lot older now and the situation has changed. I do take him to visit her at least once at week, usually more. Now he is 2yrs I should see if she wants an hour or two alone with him now and then.

We agree that doing all that for two children and refusing all help for the third, refusing to juggle arrangements at all, is the definition of 'unfair.'

We also know that what they started doing a good few years ago may be no longer possible for them, and that they have a right to some them time.

A thought -

BIL #1 = one more set of grandparents
BIL #2 = two more sets of grandparents
You = three more sets of grandparents

Are they all still with us, OP?

Because if yes, how is it fair that your PILs are the ones being expected to provide all that free care for two sets of children with yours as a further expectation?

@JFDIYOLO (love your username)

It must be quite unusual that a family of three have all married and settled near enough to their parents for day to day childcare to even be an option. It seems less likely that three sets of in-laws are also that nearby.

(we are over 100 miles from any DGPs!) .

A daughter understandably gravitates towards her own parents for support. This definitely doesn't mean the paternal grandparents wouldn't be happy with the same degeee of involvement. Their feelings don't diminish simply because it's their sons children. This is exactly why they should be given the same degree of respect and consideration. If paternal grandparents do not wish to help it says more about their desire to do so. It has nothing to do with the fact it's their sons children & indeed this is also the case with many maternal grandparents who keep their distance.

I agree

Op’s child will be a baby /small toddler.
Even one day is a lot when you are getting older.

As a grandmother here's my take on it. Its exhausting looking after children. They're already committed and probably can't contemplate starting all over again with a baby. They deserve time to themselves. This is their time to enjoy retirement.

We actually moved a long distance, changed jobs, etc. partially because my DH had always assumed my PIL would provide 100% of childcare. He is still bitter to this day that they didn’t. They never gave an actual promise though, just lots of hints that never materialized. I guess it just shows that you shouldn’t count on things until absolutely certain.

Yeah, I this is why I don't get why PP are criticizing the PIL for bringing this up and setting clear expectations now instead of waiting until they're asked later on. OP's DH was assuming they'd be offering to provide regular childcare and it seems like the PIL didn't want OP and DH making plans or setting expectations based on that assumption.

It’s definitely rubbish

we had our DC when my DN was 2.5 years old and in laws offered to help out when I returned to work. When it got closer to me returning they changed their mind saying they were too old to look after a baby (fair enough). Queue a year later and DN2 was born and guess who provided childcare for a baby 🙈

I then had DC2 and they said the same and changed their mind last minute as they didn’t want the commitment. But now do all school pick ups for both DNs 🙈 I asked for help one day because I was in hospital last minute and they refused (one of them could have come and picked him up and watched him for a hour but they wouldn’t do it)

they’ve now both retired and I’m currently expecting again and they’ve said they’ll provide childcare. I’ve already turned her down because I don’t want to rely on them for childcare and them not give it.

It’s definitely impacted on their relationship with the kids though. They’ve only seen them twice this year at parties

The irony is is that often I get asked when I’m going to get a real job (currently zero hour contract). Pointed out that I don’t have regular childcare so have the flexibility of not limiting my hours and they can never look me in the eye 🤣

I'd be interested to see what happens if their daughter pops out another baby.

I agree, however the amount of attention and energy needed for them will be to a lesser degree. The gp are probably knackered and have probably agreed to something they no longer want to do but feel they cannot stop. The benefits of not having them do it is they can’t throw it back in your face. Believe me it’s rubbish feeling like the prototype in a family I know. Concentrate on the happiness that your baby will bring to him. Xxx wish you all the love and luck you’ll need.

Me also.

Yes , maybe they see that as your mums job?

Perhaps your PIL have not been very tactful but of course it's a lot easier to look after school children than a baby, perhaps they could have offered one day a week.

Yup. Place your bets. Mine is on "well we'll have to mind the new baby, it wouldn't be fair to pull the rug from under her after so long."

But that's enough for GPs surely? I'm really sorry for DP and you but I think they are doing enough.

You still refuse to say anything about your own parents and their offers? Money perhaps? Why so @OrangeWaffle? Otherwise, maybe let DH and his parents be!

You are now on a year long watch to see what PIL do. With a dIL like that, who needs enemies!

That's unfair. OP has been clear she budgeted for FT nursery. Her DH is upset because of the discrepancy with his siblings, OP's parents are irrelevant to that unless they were minding their daughter's sisters-in-laws' babies.