DH is upset and this has changed my view of PIL ☹️

[OrangeWaffle]

DH has two older sisters. His parents provided childcare for the oldest one and for the last few years have provided childcare for the middle sister. DH has always assumed that when we had a baby, they would again offer to do childcare. I have been on MN for years however so I have never assumed this would be the case.

Well, I am pregnant and at the weekend, MIL contacted DH out of the blue to let us know that PIL wouldn’t be providing any childcare to us “due to their childcare commitments” to his older (middle) sister. For context, they have provided full days of childcare to our niece and nephew when they were young and now they are at school they do all drop offs and pick ups. DSIL and DBIL have never had to pay for childcare.

Well, DH is broken hearted. Some actions and comments over the years (since childhood) have made him think he isn’t the ‘golden child’ and this seems to have cemented it. On the one hand, I think DPIL have every right to carry on with their commitments. On the other hand a bit of me does think, perhaps for once DSIL and DBIL could arrange their own childcare, and PIL could treat their own children fairly?!

I worry that this is going to affect things for DH’s relationship with his parents going forward, any advice on how I can support him?

Eh? Who've you written that to and from?

This is the answer to the question

“what would any normal loving parent say/do?”

The silver lining, as the least favourite offspring, is that he won't feel duty bound to deal with their care/admin once they are no longer able to sort themselves out

I totally get why he's sad because it can feel shit when things aren't equal between siblings, but the parents are presumably a fair bit older than. They were when the grandchildren started coming and are quite happy with older children who are mostly at school. I wouldn't be keen on going back to a baby/toddler stage at all.

I say this as the 5th child in our family - my kids never got a look in on my side, but tbh you only have to read all the clashes on here to see it's actually so much better to be independent childcare wise.

"Even if this was their plan telling you a year/ 18m out is a bit… 🤨"

Some daycare places pretty much need sign up from before a kid is born - so better to be clear than to have unspoken assumptions and a last minute scramble.

Yes, I think that’s thoughtful if anything.

I have five children with seven years between them. If they all start producing babies at the same time then there's absolutely no way that I could fairly spread my time to help with childcare. I'd never see the inside of my own home - plus I'm still working.

So I'd rather say that I can't do childcare for any than start to try helping out with the first to have a baby only to find myself up to my elbows in babies and on my knees with tiredness. My kids know this (and are more likely to work it out between them than bring me into things). I'm mid sixties now, and it's likely to be two to three years before any babies arrive - I just won't be up for it!

Sounds likely.

Three kids is a lot for older people to be dealing with and it's a big ask to expect them to deal with all the grandkids. This is their time. Maybe they regret tying themselves down with the first two.

As people get older, there can be big differences in energy and health from year to year. What they did 5 years ago or more is irrelevant, they can't take on board more now. Their other grandkids are school aged...going back to the baby stage AND being expected to still look after the other two and more kids if you have them is really a hell of a lot to deal with...at any age.

Your DH needs to see things from their perspective. It's not a sign that they love him or a grandchild less. They're just being practical and knowing their limits.

I am in a similar situation wrt one set of grandparents.

I think DH is also worried that the fantastic bond they have with both of his sisters’ children won’t be there for our child/ren.

Sadly, in my experience this is a valid concern. The gap between the different sets of cousins' relationships with grandchildren only increases as the children grow older. I have no advice for your DH other than that he'd do best not to waste energy feeling resentful or disappointed. Your PILs have made their choice, and there's nothing he can do about it. They'll have a different type of relationship with your children - all parties can make of that what they want.

Whilst they are entitled to do childcare for who they want it’s hurtful to him and ultimately they won’t have as close a relationship with your dc as they do with the others.
Mines an adult now but mil was similar and it was hurtful to DH. She talks about the girls (Sil’s children) and he said one day mines a girl too.
When she was younger I used to try and include mil eg if there was a show at school I’d invite her but often she didn’t bother or had the girls to see to so it made things worse. With hindsight it probably would have been better not to bother.
On a rational level DH just says she knew we were ok so left us to it but he’s always been second fiddle to sister and then his child second fiddle to nieces.
I wonder if it’s not seeing sons children as close relatives as daughters children.

This is why I will never provide regular childcare for either of my DC. I am tired. Once a week babysitting or emergency care for a medical appointment, sure. Or in case childcare falls through suddenly. But on a regular basis, no way. I have told them so already. There is nearly 5 years between them, so no doubt one wil feel shortchanged as I get older. Best to give no childcare at all.

Its a shame they couldn't 'split' it up and so maybe look after yours a couple of days a week (saving you a couple of days of nursery) and SIL would only have to fund afterschool club a couple of days a week getting free childcare the rest of the week. That would be the fairest.

I think DH would have been very happy to have received a call like this. Even an offer of just one day a week.

Thank you all, lots of food for thought here!

Yes, I think this is what he was expecting would happen. That SIL and BIL perhaps find some childcare for one or two days a week. Just to make it fair in his eyes.

I am in the position of your in-laws in that I have ACs and young DGC, cover full days and do school pick ups every week. No spring chicken at 69, it can be exhausting for me but whatever I do for one AC I do exactly the same for the other. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Imo your in-laws are bang out of order, should divide their capacity equally (your DH’s sisters should find some alternative care) so your child has the same time with GPs and bond as their cousins.
Some adjustment is needed here if your DH’s relationship with his parents isn’t to suffer.

Your PIL must be on their knees with exhaustion.

Naa I don't believe all this waffle of grandparents don't have to provide childcare which is only complexity right IF that is the blanket rule for all grandchildren. Obviously if grandparents become too unwell to take care of the younger grandchildren or the distance is too much then the above obviously doesn't apply. What's good for the goose is good for the gander and all that jazz.

And to be fair you husbands middle sibling has had childcare free off them for long enough surely they can find a way to do atleast drop up or pick up and free up more time for your child

I am annoyed for you and your DH

I would suggest that maybe your husband finds a good therapist, not because he "needs therapy" but because he needs to talk to someone removed from the situation. It would be good for him to be able to talk about how he feels about the situation and his place in the family. As you know and have a relationship with them you aren't the person to do this with. He probably needs a chance to express how he feels deep down even if it is "unfair".
And sorting out your feelings about your own childhood is a good thing to do before having your own children. As that can bring to the surface all kinds of long forgotten memories and feelings.

DH quite possibly doesn’t realise (yet) the difference in energy needed between looking after school-age children, who can largely play on their own, before and after school, and looking after a baby or toddler for hours. You might need to explain to him.

Lucky you that you have the continued health to do it, and presumably no big age gap between your own children.

A lot of GPs start out with the energy and health, but find it's not sustainable, even if they would absolutely love and want to do the same for everyone. You're not normally superior to them, and you have no idea of these GPs' age, health and energy levels.

It's also worth considering what other dynamics are going on? It's also entirely possible that they're fully aware that your DH won't kick off, but if they tell his sister that they need to dial it back to help you, she will and they can't face it.

There are also potentially benefits here - you get to create a proper grandparent relationship with them. Treats on weekends etc, vs boring granny who makes me do my homework and wash behind my ears.

They’re probably pretty fed up of childcare, thinking it will end soon, then heartsink moment when they saw the next twelve years flash before them!

I think it will be that, not favouritism.

I also agree with pp that looking after your own deughters’s child might be dufffernt: we see on here all the time the complaints from when about their MIL looking after their DCs!

I wonder if his siblings have forced the issue with your inlaws so they've felt the need to mention this now in a rather hurtful and in haste manner.

The siblings sound quite selfish to not consider their brothers baby and how they've already benefited from so much help.

Very selfish and I say that as the eldest who had the first grandchildren.

@saraclara I don’t need or want your cynicism.
We have no idea of the OP’s PiLs’ health or age and you have no knowledge of my health or DGCs’ ages.
I’m at liberty to express my opinion on the site without your combative response. If you don’t like a viewpoint which doesn’t tally with yours don’t post here.

You’re being really naive to assume that looking after a baby/toddler is comparable to wrap around care for school age kids. They probably get home, have a biscuit and watch TV, so very little adult input required. A 1YO can’t be left for a minute unless secure in a playpen or contained in a fully baby proofed room. I wouldn’t assume anything other than they’re now at an age when they feel it’s physically beyond them, and who can blame them! It’s just the way it goes sometimes when you’re the youngest- My MIL used to have all 3 of SIL’s for a week whilst they went away on holiday, but there’s 17 years between her eldest and my youngest and she’s had some health issues and now can’t really do much with the kids at all, especially not babysitting a toddler. Obviously it’s not personal.