DH is upset and this has changed my view of PIL ☹️

[OrangeWaffle]

DH has two older sisters. His parents provided childcare for the oldest one and for the last few years have provided childcare for the middle sister. DH has always assumed that when we had a baby, they would again offer to do childcare. I have been on MN for years however so I have never assumed this would be the case.

Well, I am pregnant and at the weekend, MIL contacted DH out of the blue to let us know that PIL wouldn’t be providing any childcare to us “due to their childcare commitments” to his older (middle) sister. For context, they have provided full days of childcare to our niece and nephew when they were young and now they are at school they do all drop offs and pick ups. DSIL and DBIL have never had to pay for childcare.

Well, DH is broken hearted. Some actions and comments over the years (since childhood) have made him think he isn’t the ‘golden child’ and this seems to have cemented it. On the one hand, I think DPIL have every right to carry on with their commitments. On the other hand a bit of me does think, perhaps for once DSIL and DBIL could arrange their own childcare, and PIL could treat their own children fairly?!

I worry that this is going to affect things for DH’s relationship with his parents going forward, any advice on how I can support him?

Probably because they knew there would be an expectation on them to provide childcare. I think they did the right thing mentioning it now. It gives OP & her husband time to work out their finances, look at other childcare options etc.

Can you imagine if GPs had waited til after the baby was born to tell them

I agree with this.

Same here.

I was that child, OP.
My parents and older siblings worked all summer in the family business and I was too little so I was sent off with my grandparents - I stayed with them from the age of 5 to 16 each summer vacay May to September.
At first, I thought I was being punished, because I was separated from my family and I didn’t know why - but I soon adjusted.
Actually, it was a dream, because it was beautiful location. But my grandparents were older, too, and they never signed up for raising another child. I often wonder now how much of a burden I was.
But out of six grandchildren who all lived in the same small town, I was the only one who spent any time with them them during the winter, when school was in and in the years that followed. My cousins never went over and my siblings rarely did.
I hope that you and your husband will facilitate a way to make sure that your children have a relationship with their grandparents even though it isn’t through babysitting.
I treasured my grandparents and I miss them.
I might be a little biased about my grandparents, but I do think they have a lot to offer besides babysitting.

They are already committed to that. Does your DH expect them to drop their commitments to his sister in favour of your child (which will be much harder to look after, being a baby/toddler, when you go back to work).

It sounds like they've done loads.

One of my DH's siblings uses his parents for childcare, school pick ups and overnight babysitting at the weekend. Both his siblings and their parents are happy with that arrangement. There is no space for any other GC and never has been.

Neither SIL nor PIL have any idea where DC school is. They have never helped with the school run of childcare. Not even when DH and I have been very seriously ill.

It is massively unfair. I will absolutely not be helping look after PIL. I expect the SIL that received support for their DC will not either. Other siblings probably will.

"They’re probably pretty fed up of childcare, thinking it will end soon, then heartsink moment when they saw the next twelve years flash before them!"

There is this to consider. There may be some favouritism but it is also a consequence of being the last to have kids. The childcare they currently provide is much much easier than what a toddler requires AND it will end in a few years.

I'd focus on the above, try and make DH realize that there is more to it so he's less hurt. It's not fair but it is how life has turned out.

We are grandparents who help with childcare. We only do 2 days a week ( 1 for each of our children). As time goes by and the children go to school, are slowly moving towards helping with pick ups and holiday times instead. We are getting older and not having to get up at 5:30 in the morning in September will be such a treat! However, I think you should always treat your children the same. If they can do a few pickups a week for your SIL, perhaps they should swap that for a couple of pick ups a week for her and I day for you. Maybe your husband should ask why your children are not so important.

That only needs to be said if there is an expectation that they would be providing free childcare in the first place. If you had presumed they would be your free childcare then obviously they needed to say something to you. It's cheeky to presume anything about other people's time.

I think most people here are missing the point.

All you can do is show that you love him and he and your child/ren will always be first with you, even if he isn't top priority to his parents.

I'm in the same situation in that my DP isn't my MIL's favourite child (literally no reason, he's not done anything and they've never had any problems between them) and she's now cut him out of the (equal) inheritance she agreed with late FIL before he passed away, in order to give more to her favourite children.

All you can do is break the cycle yourself by treating your own kids exactly the same as each other and learning from their mistakes.

And if there's anything at all involved, like money or inheritances or anything like that for kids or grandkids, don't believe it until you see it in your bank account.

It's shit really when you find out like this. The same thing happened with my (now ex) IL's. They looked after sister in laws kids all the time, from the moment they were born to after school care for many years. When we had our first we were told not to expect them to do any childcare. Not that we'd asked, or were expecting them to.

Then ex's younger sibling had a child and they again looked after him as a baby and then as after school care.

What made me laugh was how the siblings reckoned ex was the favourite! Didn't extend to the grandchildren obviously!

At the grandparents funeral the other grandchildren spoke about all the fond memories they had of the times spent with them. My kids didn't have those sort of memories, just the weekly/fortnightly visit on a Sunday when they were free (if they weren't making Sunday roast for either of the other siblings)

Why shouldn't that be an option?
They have plenty of time to find alternative care for their children so their brother can benefit from having childcare as well, only fair imo.

The framing and delivery of the message is worse than its content. If they felt unable to keep up with the demands of caring for a baby at their age, they should have emphasised that element and expressed excitement at the prospect of being involved in other ways in the life of another grandchild. Yes, limited care for their other grandchildren who are now older is much easier than taking on a baby, and so they may not feel it a strain to maintain that, but it's understandable to feel hurt by their unwillingness to provide any care at all, especially when this is just the latest in what feels like a pattern of behaviour that puts one child below another.

In your husband's shoes, I'd definitely take this as a get-out-free card when they need more assistance. They're doing what's best for them; I'd remember that and prioritise my own needs and wishes above theirs, later on.

I'm in your position, my mil looks after her golden son's 2 kids and she said to my husband she wasn't fit to do any more babysitting as she was cutting back her days with her other son's kids. This never happened and it definitely affected our relationship with her. Her bond is so strong with them kids but she never visits us and when we met her all she talks about is them. I have cut down massively spending time with her and she hardly knows my children. It's such a shame but playing favourites hurts families. All I can do is make sure I never do this with my own children and grandchildren. My husband is hurt but never said anything and just distanced himself. I wish he would have stood up for us but ultimately its his family, his decision.

Ah this is so difficult and I see both sides of it. My parents looked after my DD from age 1-3 then my DN for same age. When my SIL announced she was expecting their 2nd baby but DM rang me in a panic because they were 7 years older by this point and didn’t feel they could manage childcare again but didn’t know how to say it. They did end up providing childcare for around a year but they found it incredibly challenging and I don’t think my DB has any idea how much of a toll it took. (EDIT TO ADD and resents they didn’t look after DN2 for longer).

Something that’s nearly as valuable having regular childcare is having someone who can bridge the odd gaps - maybe they could they do a part of the day if your baby has a cold and can’t go to nursery or you both have early meetings and need help with the nursery drop off as an one off.

They also might be more up for babysitting as they aren’t providing children so less guilt about having an evening out.

I would say my DD is wasn’t any closer to my parents than ILs just because they provided childcare. She is now but lots of other factors to that!

Let me get this straight: parents need to first raise their DC, then raise their DGC if they want any assistance from their DC when they get older? Isn't one set of raising enough to justify some help?

I think it's crazy to have children with the plan to have grandparents look after them without even discussing it with the grandparents. Do people actually do that? That's ridiculous and very entitled.

Perhaps you should not have started it in the first place?

Does that mean they get a break when the kids are in school? They might be too old/tired to start from scratch again. Babies and toddlers are a lot harder than kids at primary school age. I can see why it feels unfair but they've probably had enough and feel committed to their current situation.

I was wondering about this. You've raised your children, any care you need should be down to them. If you look after your grandchildren, are they going to be expected to care for you should you need care? What about great grandchildren, are you going to be expected to care for those in order to 'buy' any care you need in your old age?

It doesn’t sound fair , and I feel sad for your DH. However , it is their choice . They don’t have to provide childcare .

My parents were very wise and were clear that they were not going to provide consistent childcare for any of us. They are fab and will do the odd weekend and school holiday when needed but they didnt want to be tied down during their retirement.

These issues seem to arise when the grandparents over commit to the first to have a baby without thinking it through then they just can’t sustain that for the others.

I am not sure why my point isn't clear but I'll try explaining another way.

Yes - it is more demanding to be one on one with a baby/toddler.

The point I am making is that the role could be very taxing albeit in a different way. This is often why it is so hard for parents to get after school care - you are needed for a couple of hours in the morning (depending on whether the parents leave for work and the GPs are doing breakfast) as well as several hours in the afternoon which makes planning much during the day harder. It could still be five to six hours a day.

For example, assuming they don't live next door:

Up and at it to be at the SIL for 7.30 ish, walk or drive to school, for 9.00 am.

Wherever you are or whatever you might want to do during the day, realistically back in the area for 2.30 and a collection at 3pm.

Parents home at 6/7, so another 3 hours or so there.

They've probably cooked for the kids. Homework? Bath?

They have to then get home and cook their own tea and put their feet up to start all over in the morning.

It's not a piece of cake, if the argument is that they're older and more tired.

I don't blame poor GPs for over committing when posters on here ( not the OP but in general) are constantly threatening to not visit them in their care homes if they don't get childcare.

And this doesn't even get onto the task of being the main point of contact for the school. They will invariably get involved in the kid's school admin, because they are main people the teachers recognise.