DH is upset and this has changed my view of PIL ☹️

[OrangeWaffle]

DH has two older sisters. His parents provided childcare for the oldest one and for the last few years have provided childcare for the middle sister. DH has always assumed that when we had a baby, they would again offer to do childcare. I have been on MN for years however so I have never assumed this would be the case.

Well, I am pregnant and at the weekend, MIL contacted DH out of the blue to let us know that PIL wouldn’t be providing any childcare to us “due to their childcare commitments” to his older (middle) sister. For context, they have provided full days of childcare to our niece and nephew when they were young and now they are at school they do all drop offs and pick ups. DSIL and DBIL have never had to pay for childcare.

Well, DH is broken hearted. Some actions and comments over the years (since childhood) have made him think he isn’t the ‘golden child’ and this seems to have cemented it. On the one hand, I think DPIL have every right to carry on with their commitments. On the other hand a bit of me does think, perhaps for once DSIL and DBIL could arrange their own childcare, and PIL could treat their own children fairly?!

I worry that this is going to affect things for DH’s relationship with his parents going forward, any advice on how I can support him?

Tricky one! I would definitely be upset if they have done it for the others. They are not that old either, my parents/in laws are in their 70s/80s and still help us out. This is my mum in laws 5th grandchild she has helped with childcare but to be fair she does love babies (had 4 of her own). However if they feel that they have had enough then that it is up to them. You seem to have your head screwed on re budgeting which is great but I totally understand your husband feeling upset and maybe resentful.

I have no children, but if I'm able, I'll of course help my parents as they age. I have a DSis who has a child. I wouldn't expect her to do more for our parents in return for anything they've done to help. However, if I'd had a child and my parents had obviously prioritised DSis's child over mine, yes, I'd feel that she should take on more of the work and assistance. I'd feel less obliged to put myself out, if they hadn't bothered as much for my child.

And actually, if I felt that my parents had always obviously favoured DSis over me, I'd probably still feel that I owed them less than she would. Parents who do a good job raising their children deserve to be cared for when they age. Parents who are unfair in how they distribute attention, love, money, etc among children and grandchildren are less deserving of reciprocal care, imo.

They're not much older than me, and in good health so it's unlikely to be age/tiredness issues.

No, it isn't 'fair'. They are treating their son differently to their daughters.

Their daughters and their husbands are being unreasonable in seeing them as a freebie doing all that care work when they could organise and pay for it.

They are also being unreasonable in failing to alter their own expectations and arrangements to suit the changing situation. In their case, changes would mean loss, and nobody likes that.

I think if I'd given all that free child care already the thought of another how many years of it might cause me to draw a line under it, too. They do have a right to their own lives, not just be a free resource to two and soon three perfectly capable adult couples. They may simply have found their 'no' and decided that additional time is for themselves and each other. That's their right.

It may well be a case of 'your son's your son til he takes a wife, your daughter's your daughter the rest of your life'.

It might be a visceral thing that their mother feels more of a pull to help care for the babies her own babies gave birth to. I don't know what that might feel like.

So that makes me wonder - are your own parents in the picture? Can you - should you - turn to them?

This is why people end up paying nannies £17 p/h to do this sort of job.

A biscuit and some reading, my ass.

I agree in general and never did so myself however this new to be father has watched his siblings be treated a certain way, both of them, so I can't blame him for having the expectation he would be treated in a similar way.

It is unfair.

Urgh that is unfair, but maybe every cloud has a silver lining and all that. See a lot of problems with ILS and childcare both on here and in personal life. I would totally stay out of it all and keep with your budget of childcare.

I wouldn’t worry too much about this. Each of my children’s sets of grandparents provide more childcare for their cousins than they do for my children, and I honestly don’t see a difference in the bond they all have. Particularly when you are looking after older children (so once they get past cute) the grandparents see the bad as well as the good when they spend a lot of time with them!

Or they may see a huge difference between being able to go on a holiday where they are in charge of their own time and can be active or rest as they need and having a baby completely dependent on them for hours at a stretch. Anyone with a baby or toddler will typically testify how exhausting it is. Yet somehow when the person doing it is a GP, 30 years older, it apparantly becomes a pleasure, no more taxing than a leisure activity.

I would imagine they regret the decision they made years ago about childcare and are now stuck so their finally standing up for themselves

No one should expect childcare from their parents.

How well do you get on with them?
I'm just wondering whether it's worth you replying along the lines of "No worries - we've already budgeted on the assumption that we would need full-time nursery, but it's good of you to make sure of that. However it might be worth you knowing that DH is upset and worried that you won't be able to get to know our child as well as their cousins - perhaps we can have a think about how to make sure that you get some quality time together."

Late 60s? There is absolutely no way I would want to look after a baby then but I will certainly be going on holidays because holidays are fun and babies are not.
My mum is 78 and goes on active holidays. She wouldn't be able to manage a baby.

It's tricky but know where you're coming from OP, and how your DH must feel, especially if there have been other unfair behaviour.

I've sort of partly been in a similar situation and I do think it does come down to first-come-first serve and then compounded by GPs being much older. However, my lovely MIL did offer but initially, when my DC was a baby, to have them over for tea whilst the other kids were there anyway. I was there and had to stay around but it did mean they built a nice bond and when the baby was older, MIL then started having him once a week on a set day.

I do have a friend whose mum said to her that she won't provide any childcare (tbf I don't think she even fills the gaps or does babysitting much) and my friend basically alluded to her other sister (who did get lots of childcare) that she would have to take the brunt of old-age care when their mother got to that stage!

It could be the difference between child of son and child of daughter. It shouldn't make any difference but sometimes it does.

I know because i am married to the son. We live 10 mins away and SILs live hours away but i can count on one hand the amount of times they have looked after DD. Shes 9 now and PILs just mentioned they want to have her a bit over the holidays as they have realised they have missed out. Too late. We have routines for summer holidays, cubs are already booked and no time spare. (Please note we do all holiday in same place at same time so they will see her lots then).

FWIW i would message them acknowledging they cant help but ask if hopefully they can help in emergencies. Its less pressure on them if they are struggling due to age. If they still say no then you know they are being arses.

To be fair, older children are generally easier than babies or toddlers.

I would ensure that I would pay for DD2's children to have childcare, if I'm too old to do it

A lot of people don't have that sort of spare money. I know I don't

Not at all - I think what’s key to my DH - and what a few PPs have mentioned - is that if you choose to do 100% childcare for one (or two) of your children, so you should be prepared to treat all your children equally - or as equally as is possible.

DH is hurt because in the same breath as them saying they won’t provide any childcare to us, they are saying they will continue to provide daily wraparound childcare for his sister.

Anyway, it’s no skin off my nose because I hadn’t anticipated or planned for anything different. I will let DH lead the way on the relationship he wants our DD to have with his parents, and support him in that.

yes but the other DC are older @OrangeWaffle.
GP can bond with their DC without providing childcare. Mine did.

I disagree - having provided childcare for one of their adult children, they wanted to make sure there were no misconceptions about their intention to provide childcare for another grandchild. Clear and open communication. As it happened, I did not assume anything of the sort so wasn't remotely bothered by their telling me.

It sounds like @OrangeWaffle 's DH did have that assumption, and that's why he's upset. He thought what had been on offer for his sisters' children would be available for him as well.

Looking after a baby or toddler is knackering. I can understand not wanting to take it on anything more than occasionally.

My in laws were not too dissimilar with their actions to DH. He’s now no contact and they don’t even know I’m 36w pregnant.

id suggest he thinks about why this has impacted him. Chances are there’s a lot buried deep! It definitely comes out more when you have your own children, too.

Ah that's tough OP. We're in your shoes, PIL provided every second of childcare BIL ever needed for three DC, including FT for their first. We got nothing due to distance. We've never minded because distance and their older age meant it wasn't possible for them to go the same for us... But I'm desperately trying not to add up what we've spent putting two through nursery FT and then wraparound! Not to mention just the general difference in independence - PIL are forever running errands for BIL.

Like I said, it's circumstance here, PIL are lovely, there's no hard feelings. But in your case if it's favouritism then I can see that that would be very hard for you DH to take.

where are your parents @OrangeWaffle ? have they offered or similarly declined to offer childcare?

you seem surprised...'my responsibility' as a woman. yet, not anywhere have you mentioned your parents and what childcare they offer. or do you only see pil as the ones with a responsibility to treat their kids equally in terms of childcare for gcs?

Having been burned by ds and his gf I won't ever be offering childcare to any other dc now. In fact the very thought of any more dgc fills me with dread now.

They are under no obligation to provide childcare to anyone, but yes his older siblings and their kids are benefitting hugely from this arrangement in a number of ways - their children will be closer to PIL as a result. I can see how that upsets your husband, we had similar experiences.

They're not much older than me, and in good health so it's unlikely to be age/tiredness issues.

Who says?

I know I don't have the energy I had 5 years ago, nor the back for carrying round toddlers/babies if you know what I mean. I'm nowhere near their age, and I'm about to go out for a tennis match of 4 sets, so I'm not in poor health.

But whereas if I was asked to pick up a primary school aged child from school and keep for a couple of hours, I would be fine with that, I wouldn't want to take on looking after a baby all day regularly, especially with the thought that baby will become a toddler, and possibly a baby with another toddler.

And just because he thinks he's the least priority doesn't mean he is. My dbro used to see all the disadvantages of being youngest, and none of the advantages. So he complained heavily that me and dsis got stuff from our grandparents because they'd died around the time we moved out - but never saw that he got those things new, his choice which we would not have got because money was very tight until he was getting to the age of moving out.