DH is upset and this has changed my view of PIL ☹️

[OrangeWaffle]

DH has two older sisters. His parents provided childcare for the oldest one and for the last few years have provided childcare for the middle sister. DH has always assumed that when we had a baby, they would again offer to do childcare. I have been on MN for years however so I have never assumed this would be the case.

Well, I am pregnant and at the weekend, MIL contacted DH out of the blue to let us know that PIL wouldn’t be providing any childcare to us “due to their childcare commitments” to his older (middle) sister. For context, they have provided full days of childcare to our niece and nephew when they were young and now they are at school they do all drop offs and pick ups. DSIL and DBIL have never had to pay for childcare.

Well, DH is broken hearted. Some actions and comments over the years (since childhood) have made him think he isn’t the ‘golden child’ and this seems to have cemented it. On the one hand, I think DPIL have every right to carry on with their commitments. On the other hand a bit of me does think, perhaps for once DSIL and DBIL could arrange their own childcare, and PIL could treat their own children fairly?!

I worry that this is going to affect things for DH’s relationship with his parents going forward, any advice on how I can support him?

You won't like this, but I think you are being unreasonable. They have already made a commitment to the children of the other siblings and probably don't want to suddenly stop what they have committed to because it would feel as though they are letting them down. But they only have so much capacity and sadly that means that they can't take on another child. What about your parents? Are you in touch with them? Can they help you?

Honestly? I do some irregular childcare for my first daughter to have had kids (not my eldest is this case). I love having them, but I'm finding it increasingly tiring, especially now there are two of them, a toddler and a pre-schooler..

If my other daughter has children, by the time she's had one and it's of an age that she's going back to work, I'm going to be in my early 70s. I honestly don't think I could do it again. But I hope I'd be able to contribute financially towards a day or two of nursery.

In your PIL's case, it might be that the daughter's job hangs on their childcare, so it would be disastrous if they stopped. In my daughter's case, short of a highly expensive nanny, there's no childcare available that could cover her late shift when it clashes with her DH's late shift, so it would mean one of them having to find another job.

I would also say, that whilst PIL aren’t wrong, the way they have gone about it potentially is. They could probably have been more caring in their discussion and it’s that that sometimes causes the upset.

To be fair to OP, it isn’t her, it’s her DH. She has said, repeatedly, that she doesn’t and never has expected them to provide childcare. It’s more about her DH and how he is feeling. Which, considering there is a potential backstory, is valid if they have just bluntly said it, in his ears it has sounded like ‘Your sister and her kids are more important’ that isn’t what they’re saying, but sometimes when the relationship is already tainted, that’s what children hear.

My sil had 6 dc. Effectively raised for free by ils. They had neither the headspace or energy for any of our 3...

I agree. As a GP who helps out with childcare, I can see what they're saying and don't relish the thought of starting again with v young GC. As you get older, young kids are exhausting. However, I can also see how this is really hurtful to your DP and how he feels it's unfair

Can you talk to your PIL about your concerns that your DC won't have the same bond?

Will your parents help with childcare so DC has a close bond with one set of GP's

They've done you a favour, you can let them grow old and frail safe in the knowledge they've put all their eggs in his sisters' basket.

OP, what was DH's expectation? Was it that they would have the baby and his sister's kids or that you would split days between you? Or even that they wouldn't look after sister's kids at all any more?

That actually happened to a friend of mine.
Her mother lived with her and provided round the clock care for her three dcs. This arrangement went on for many years
Unfortunately my friend’s mother became ill.
Friend then asked her brother to help with taking care of their mother. Her brother refused saying that he wasnt going to share the responsibility of caring for their mother as she hadnt helped with childcare for his own dcs

That does sound pretty unfair and I would be upset if my parents said that to me, when they do so much for other siblings. But considering the baby isn't even born yet and you'll presumably then be on maternity leave, you're potentially talking about childcare needs at least a year in the future. So it's also understandable that PILs are hesitant to commit to looking after a baby in a year's time as they're getting older too. I think you just have to park it for now. It's rubbish, but you can't force them to look after your child.

Surely it's just a timing issue? His siblings had children first and now the grandparents are getting tired of all the child minding, pickups etc. If it were my parents I would like to think I would show them a bit of compassion and understanding and reassure them that I know they have enough on their plate and we would sort our own childcare and that if I had children first, no doubt they would be the ones who were looked after by their grandparents however it didn't work out that way. Don't make them feel guilty about this, perhaps they have had a bellyful of minding children and are maybe looking forward to actually enjoying their middle/old age at some point.

Even if this was their plan telling you a year/ 18m out is a bit… 🤨
they couldn’t have sounded the klaxons any louder or earlier.
they have gone about it horribly and insensitively

I feel for your DH.
agree I wouldn’t be encouraging contact or planning special days out for them with your child… you’ll be pissing into the wind with all that stuff.

IMO any decent parent would look to make some accommodation and explain to SIL it’s only fair they do something

Eg SILs kids do after school club on Mondays and GPs do the other day so they have your baby one day a week on Monday … OR something.

a flat out “don’t look at us if you need help” is a clear message.
I’d response accordingly tbh

I have no siblings, but the fact that your DH's parents are so blatant in treating their children and grandchildren so differently is baffling to me.

I have 2 daughters with a huge age gap between them (21 years). By the time my toddler DD has children, I may well be into my 70s. Should I have been in a position to have looked after DD1's children (doubtful, as I imagine I'll still be working full time), I would ensure that I would pay for DD2's children to have childcare, if I'm too old to do it. Similarly, if I help DD1 with buying a house, I'll make sure I have a similar arrangement with DD2.

What also baffles me is why no-one expressly asks parents why they treat their children so differently? If I were your husband, I'd clearly state my disappointment and sadness at being treated so differently to my siblings.

I don't agree with most posters.
I have three children and if in the future I offer help to 2 of them I would also offer help to the last one.

Your in laws could do just one day for each child for example and if they start feeling its too much they could review the arrangements but ensuring what they do is fair to everyone. But not help only one/ 2 of them fully time and leve the last one without any help. It is weird and completely unfair.

We didn't have any help from either my parents or my husbands parents, it was really tough. Now children are teens and parents and IL are elderly and our own help is expected. I won't be doing that when my time comes.

I'll definitely help my own children in an equal way OP. I totally understand what your husband feels.

What’s ‘rubbish’ about it? It’s just a matter of who had children first, surely? If the OP (who sounds perfectly reasonable and has budgeted for paid childcare all along) and her DH had been the first to have children, then her PILs would presumably have offered them childcare. Or if the OP had local parents who were willing and available, they might have offered childcare.

Exactly.
As usual PP enjoy being contrary but it's the method of delivery.
Your DH has 'assumed' but presumably never stated this. Couldn't they at least wait until asked before saying no?

Anyway as a PP said you can happily wash your hands of any elder care responsibilities (although you might miss out on inheritance, idk). AND the best part is, you can tell PIL. You don't have any time because you need to do childcare.... They can sort themselves out.

I’ve been here OP, only it was my parents not offering childcare but tons for my older sibling.

I was bitter for a long time about this, however after a long rant to said sibling- she reminded me that looking after a toddler in your 50’s is different from looking after a toddler in your mid 60’s. And it’s true. My mum is now arthritic so can’t play on the floor with my kid like she did my nieces and nephews, wouldn’t be able to run after a toddler and realistically they would be put in front of the TV the majority of the time. My niece and nephew just need someone to sit in with them while they entertain themselves after school, it’s just not the same.

it does suck I agree - but try to look at the bigger picture for PIL. They may help you in the future in a different way to your SIL’s.

With respect, if you’re already looking after four or five young children from whichever of your adult children reproduces first, I really don’t see you being able to fit in a couple more later on on the grounds of ‘fairness’.

I love my children dearly, but to be honest I would be reluctant to commit to any set childcare ( when my dcs are older and have kids)
I don’t mind the odd day here and there and a couple of weeks during the Summer holidays , but to have to take care of small babies/ toddlers , I am not sure if I could cope
I had my last dc at the age of thirty five and was shattered, I can’t imagine looking after kids in my late sixties
Your dh’s parents have spent many years caring for their dds’ kids. They probably don’t have any more fuel in the tank

IF this is the case. Her DH seems to think k it’s not just about this and that may be what is triggering the resentment. There are some parents who do more for the child they prefer or for the child who kicks off more for an easy life. If that’s the case here, then it’s understandable why her DH is a bit put out.

I don't think grandparents can guarantee total fairness in childcare across their children really- who knows how many babies each one might have, and across how many years.

There is 15 years between my parents oldest and youngest grandchildren- and I have 3 siblings, we've 9 children between us all.

It's weird that she phoned him out of the blue. Had he mentioned something previously that made her realise that he was expecting childcare, do you think?

"DS, following the wonderful news of DIL's pregnancy, we'd like to talk to you about how we might be able to help out once the baby is old enough. Realistically we're not as young as we were, and we just don't think we will be able offer childcare in the same way we were for your older sisters. But we would love the opportunity to do what we can. Obviously we can't leave middle daughter in the lurch with childcare, but we are going to suggest to her that she should start thinking about making alternative arrangements with a childminder for one or two days a week, so we can spend some time with our youngest grandchild, if that works for you. "

100% Agree - total fairness can be difficult to impossible to achieve.

these people are not looking to offer ANY KIND of fairness and have no interest in looking to close the gap or decrease the disparity.

That is a pretty shitty thing to realise and have to accept if you are their son….

You’re in for a massive shock to the system if you think looking after a baby/toddler is half as easy as simply doing school pick ups and drop offs, or looking after older children