DH is upset and this has changed my view of PIL ☹️

[OrangeWaffle]

DH has two older sisters. His parents provided childcare for the oldest one and for the last few years have provided childcare for the middle sister. DH has always assumed that when we had a baby, they would again offer to do childcare. I have been on MN for years however so I have never assumed this would be the case.

Well, I am pregnant and at the weekend, MIL contacted DH out of the blue to let us know that PIL wouldn’t be providing any childcare to us “due to their childcare commitments” to his older (middle) sister. For context, they have provided full days of childcare to our niece and nephew when they were young and now they are at school they do all drop offs and pick ups. DSIL and DBIL have never had to pay for childcare.

Well, DH is broken hearted. Some actions and comments over the years (since childhood) have made him think he isn’t the ‘golden child’ and this seems to have cemented it. On the one hand, I think DPIL have every right to carry on with their commitments. On the other hand a bit of me does think, perhaps for once DSIL and DBIL could arrange their own childcare, and PIL could treat their own children fairly?!

I worry that this is going to affect things for DH’s relationship with his parents going forward, any advice on how I can support him?

Again - what's the situation with the other three sets of grandparents, including your own parents?

My apologies if they're no longer with us.

But the absence of any word about what help they might be offering, with all spotlights on your PILs, seems odd.

Your husbands feelings are valid… reassure him you’ve budgeted for childcare… tell him you wouldn’t want baby in the care of people who didn’t want to help anyway…
can your parents help at all?

Perhaps he needs to tell his parents how he feels… not just about this latest development but about his sisters getting preferential treatment in general!!

This is a really interesting thought. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if there’s some truth in it.

I really feel for your DH. The way the news was delivered was harsh and their decision unfair. The biggest issue here IMO (as a grandparent who provided some childcare) is about the relationship they will/will not have with the new GC. They could have offered a range of options e.g one day a week, maybe back up for when child is unable to go to nursery (which I’d often in the first year or so), baby sitting/sleep over so you and DH can have some ‘you’ time/catch up on lost sleep, provide some home cooked meals/ have you all over for dinner once a week, regular days out etc. I would never do something for one DC of mine and not the others - it may be slightly different depending on my circumstances but it would have the same level of love and intention to support them attached to it. In this case it’s about what your DH’s DPs are doing to support you as parents, and develop a bond/relationship with their new GC. Are they totally abandoning you or is there anything they are going to to do to be involved?

I was in a similar situation with pil. When we had our ds they both worked so were 'sorry we can't help' When sil got pregnant they promptly dropped a day each to help with childcare.

At the time my mum was dying and they moaned even if I asked them to have ds to attend hospital appointments.

I made sure we never needed to ask them again. They now moan they are less close to ds!

I do get in this situation that they are older and probably reluctant to go back to babies but agree if your sil has another and they help that's definitely favouritism

OP started this thread on 15th and last posted on it on the 15th (8 pages in).

I think she has got the answers she needed (there really aren’t too many permutations of possible answers!) so she may well have stopped following the thread now.

Are your PILs usually so emotionally inept and tactless?

I'm not surprised he's upset.

I’m a grandmother and looked after my daughters two children from six months 3 days per week until school and loved every minute. My son and his partner had a baby years later when daughters children were both at school so I was just doing the school runs. The thought of going back to nappy changing, feeding, nap times etc filled me with dread as I was in my late sixties by then.
I explained my reservations to my son and his partner who didn’t take it kindly. It looked like they had presumed I would be childminder without any discussion. We fell out over this and he hasn’t spoken to me since or let me see my grandson. Him and his partner split when grandson was 1 year old so arrangement would have been cancelled as she moved back to her home which was too far away for me to have helped.
My daughter asked me before she planned each baby if I would take on the childcare. My son took it for granted but didn’t take into account my age and ability.

Did you acknowledge the complete disparity of effort you made for each of your children? I fully understand why you didn't feel able to go back to the baby years and the demands, but did you ever acknowledge to your son that he was hard done by here? Both in terms of the time you gave your daughter and the huge amount of money you saved her?

Whether she did or she didn't, do you think that refusing to ever speak to her again or let her see her grandchild was a proportionate response?

I think that acknowledging that disparity would have been crucial to maintaining the relationship, yes. I'm guessing that much like in OP's DH's situation it was the straw that broke the camel's back after a lifetime of coming second to a sister.

How is it sexist if he's making the assumption of both his parents rather than just his mother?

CelesteCunningham My son didn’t have his son until his mid forties, concentrating on a professional career after my husband and I put him through university and law college. So should I have explained to my daughter how hard done by she was because she chose not to.

If your daughter chose to, would you have funded her to the same extent?

CelesteCunningham of course we would.

I'm guessing that if the daughter had followed the same career path as the son and had children later on in life, the OP might not have done childcare for her. Or if son had had dc earlier and then daughter had them later, the son would have received the childcare help.

I think if OP 's in-laws were cutting back on all childcare commitments because they are tired/getting too old that would be fair enough. Or if they were going to cut back on DD's childcare so they could offer a limited amount to their DS, also fine. It's this refusal to offer anything to their son, while still facilitating their daughter, which is very unfair.

@OrangeWaffle

I’ve only read your posts, so I’m sorry if I’m repeating something already said…

Could your husband have an open conversation with his whole family present saying he

1. absolutely does not want to take any needed child care away from either of his sisters

2. this is not about getting free childcare as together you had work full time childcare into your budget-ing when TTC,

however

3. would like, and now realises has expected (I think honestly in this situation could be good and help them understand his feelings more) similar chances of grandchild with grandparent time in terms of building connections. He could tell them he’s disappointed that his children will not receive anywhere similar to the amount of grandparent time as their cousins. He could add in that he was not expecting the same amount of time, it’s near impossible to keep everything equal, just a similar chance.