DH is upset and this has changed my view of PIL ☹️

[OrangeWaffle]

DH has two older sisters. His parents provided childcare for the oldest one and for the last few years have provided childcare for the middle sister. DH has always assumed that when we had a baby, they would again offer to do childcare. I have been on MN for years however so I have never assumed this would be the case.

Well, I am pregnant and at the weekend, MIL contacted DH out of the blue to let us know that PIL wouldn’t be providing any childcare to us “due to their childcare commitments” to his older (middle) sister. For context, they have provided full days of childcare to our niece and nephew when they were young and now they are at school they do all drop offs and pick ups. DSIL and DBIL have never had to pay for childcare.

Well, DH is broken hearted. Some actions and comments over the years (since childhood) have made him think he isn’t the ‘golden child’ and this seems to have cemented it. On the one hand, I think DPIL have every right to carry on with their commitments. On the other hand a bit of me does think, perhaps for once DSIL and DBIL could arrange their own childcare, and PIL could treat their own children fairly?!

I worry that this is going to affect things for DH’s relationship with his parents going forward, any advice on how I can support him?

Perfectly reasonable and also fair which is key here, both are treated the same, no problem.

If i was them, id use this as an opportunity to pull all the childcare to a stop, and sod off on a cruise. They are not being fair.

Big difference between school age and babies

How old are the inlaws?

Can you encourage your DH to speak to them in person about it in more depth? I think if he says how he feels, it gives them a chance to get on the same page, rather than leading to distance between them if they haven’t explained fully or considered his angle.

It’s not to persuade them to change their minds or make them feel guilty. I’m sure most parents would like to know if they’d upset their child. And if they won’t engage with it, then you know you tried.

Lifting babies for nappy changes, naps, car seats, buggies, playing on the floor etc- all require physical energy which wanes with time.

This happens so often. It was quite extreme in dhs family. I think it comes from the idea that childcare is the mothers job. They're helping their own daughters out. Their son doesn't need help because the children are your job, not his and you're not their daughter.

This is a tough one for GPs. Because there are a lot of conflicting calls on our time arising from decisions we do not make, such as how many children our children have and when they choose to have them, which obviously takes no account of our own lifestyle or commitments.
I do a lot of childcare for my GC from my DD and DS1 because I'm 'only' 55, and have the energy and enough flexibility at work to make it work. However, when DS2 has children, I will likely be at least ten years older, and still working full time with probably a lot less energy. I foresee that I will be able to offer less to DS2, so am keeping my fingers crossed his future in laws will be hands on, and if that's not the case, I'll do what I can and it will have to be enough, albeit 'unfair'
Fortunately DS2 gets it and we joke about how he will miss out by not having children until I'm 'old'. He however knows I'm fair as I can be and that he's benefitted in other ways his siblings haven't. Which I guess is different for your DH OP.

That is rough, but it really doesn't sound personal. It sounds like they have been heavily occupied with childcare for years, and felt like they needed to pick the moment to make it clear that they can't take on more responsibility. It's not fair in some ways, but also, they were providing childcare to children who already existed.

Your child doesn't need GP that won't make time for them. They could easily make it clear that with more GC time with each needs to be fair and therefore they can't be committed to childcare for any of them. The older ones have had years of free childcare it's time their parents took responsibility, they've got plenty of notice.
They could at least make sure they had a couple of hours a week they could spend getting to know the youngest GC without being tired or needing to be somewhere at X time for GC.
You've planned for childcare, DH might need to accept his mother won't bother with his child. Better not being around a crap GM than one that treats other GC as the favourites though.

Try not to worry about the relationship they will have with the grandparents..
My parents cared for a lot of their grandchildren. (They have 12!) Not mine and I can count on both hands how many times my parents had mine alone as I lived 250 miles away but my DC had a beautiful relationship with their grandparents (they are adults now and my Dad is no longer with us and my Mum is in a care home).
And if I'm really honest I'm struggling with our one grandchild at 61 yrs old and could be 70 before my other DC have their kids..
I don't know what the future holds really..

But it ties up their whole day, and I'm guessing they are providing after school care? Yes, not as demanding as man marking a toddler but still a very significant commitment.

I agree with you. I think it's outrageously unfair. You don't do for one child what you're not prepared to do for the others.

@OrangeWaffle I think your ILs should be reviewing their arrangements re minding your SIL's children to be fair to your DH. I'd avoid even asking them to mind your child at any time if this is their attitude. This is one of the (many) reasons I won't be doing childcare for any of my kids.

At the very least, they could offer some financial support.

This is what I think is happening here too.

The baby isn't even born yet. Why on earth did they feel the need to contact your DH now about this?

Still a commitment but they could sit with their feet up between 0900 & 1500 if they chose to & relax all day. Huge difference to having most of the day to yourself to looking after a baby/toddler.

Its possibly more the energy needed that's the problem now

Or simply because their son was the last to have children?

I think this is also possible.

Doesn't every child think their parents like sibling more than them?
They will pick out and hold onto the 'proof' memories that back this theory up and let go of the ones where they get treated more favourably.

The PILs should be allowed to enjoy their retirement. Did they actually want to run a nursery? Will SILs actually let them stop? (they may have told them a firm NO so they can't look after yours?)

Nursery is better - no issues if PIL get sick/go on holiday/mess you about with changing arrangements.

If you'd had your DCs before SILs, then they probably would have looked after yours. Timing is everything. They are older now. Every day with newborn or toddler will be energy sapping.

Better not to feel beholden to them. They might feel ok about covering baby's sick days as emergency cover?

I am a grandparent who has done childcare for my DGC. My DD has two DC who are now school age. We don't do pick ups etc as live too far away but did look after them a lot when younger and still help out during school holidays etc. DS doesn't have any DC yet and says he isn't planning on having any, but if he did change his mind in the next few years I doubt we would be able to do as much for him as we did/do for DD. My DH is now only a couple of years off of 80 and has health issues. We love DS just as much and would love any DGC from him just as much and I hope would have a good relationship with them but realistically childcare would not be possible. The difference in our (hypothetical) case is that DS would never feel he was 'lesser' as he absolutely isn't. I think this is probably the main issue with the OP's DH.

Absolutely nowhere near the same as a baby or toddler. School picks ups and afterschool care of school age children are a walk in the park compared with all day care of under 4s. I am absolutely shattered from a day with 18 month old DGC. A nice walk to the school, sitting on a bench at the park then snack and reading with 5 year old DGC is like a spa day in comparison!

What is the age gap between your baby and the youngest other grandchild? I think if it's significant then you can see why grandparents would be hesitant, as they are also older.

Because nurseries have waiting lists. Because it's best the parents don't operate on assumptions of childcare GP have no intention of providing.

My parents told me when I was pregnant they would not do any regular childcare but would be happy to do ad hoc as suited their commitments. That was fine. I wasn't scrabbling around in a panic trying to find childcare with little notice bsed on erroneous assumptions.

They did do weekly childcare for my brother. That was ok, it fit with what was happening in their lives at the time.

Grandparents are people with lives too. They don't exist in a vacuum waiting to be helpful to their adult offspring. They also age like everyone else, so what's feasible for the first grandchildren may not be a practical option for the final grandchildren.

My parents didn't love my children any less for not looking after them while we worked. They have a strong and loving relationship with them all.

Well, it turns out that OP's DH did already have expectations that they would be offering it, so given that they aren't it probably is best that that's clarified asap.

I really understand why he feels hurt and like they care less about him and his children. I also can understand why they wouldn't want to swap a couple of their days doing a bit of wraparound for school age children for spending those same days caring all day for a baby/toddler. It really isn't the same, and so just splitting it in that way probably would be 'fairest' but it isn't a neutral change for them.

It’ll be four years. So as our DD turns one, the next oldest grandchild will be five.

PILs are in their late 60s and, thankfully, are in robust health. They love active/walking holidays and things like that!

Some PPs have made the point that they may see childcare as my responsibility as the female. Interesting point and certainly one for me to reflect on. Thank you.

Do they assume that your parents will be on hand, whereas that wasn't the case with their SILs parents?
I agree it is unfair though and that is why, if I'm ever lucky enough to be a Granny, I would bear in mind whatever I offer in the way of assistance to one GC I would need to do for any subsequent GC.