Women over 40 - your top 10 words of wisdom for younger women?

[JFDIYOLO]

Be wary of a man who does not live with his young children. He either bolted and left them, or she got them away from him. And if you were the one he bolted with - he has a habit and will do it to you.

Do not give up your job, income, savings, pension, home etc to go play unpaid housekeeper to a man who dangles the marriage mirage and maybe baby in front of you … until it's too late for you.

Do not have children with a man who won't marry you, in the hope that will convince him. It won't. He's already got what he wants and you’ll have fewer rights.

Get to know him before moving in together. Learn him before having a child with him. Be aware that the nicest guy can become a nightmare as soon as you get pregnant, or he realises the world no longer revolves around him and his ‘needs’.

Get to know his parents and siblings. They're the eco system he grew up in and he will repeat that. Do you want that repeating itself with you and any children?

The second he first lays a hand on you, or your children, get help and get out. Leaving is the hardest time - but if you stay, this will only get worse.

Keep your own bank account and understand your personal and the household finances. Don't be like the abandoned wife who learned late that water actually has to be paid for because her husband handled all that sort of thing.

If your Spidey senses tell you there is something wrong … there is.

Be careful of suggestions his children come and live with you. You will become a free babysitter, chauffeur, mediator, co-funder etc etc. Are you happy with that?

Be aware that in laws can be a bit bonkers when you have a baby. Set your boundaries, know your rights, practice your ‘no’. No to them watching you give birth, visiting immediately, coming and staying too soon, monopolising the baby etc, if you don't want that, and expect your DP to step up and stand up if you need that.

That's my first ten.

What would you add?

Stay single and get cats.

Seriously though, exercise. If you do cardio & strength training regularly now, your body will really appreciate it later.

Be wary of a man who takes his children to Wales in a timeshare but takes his new girlfriend to Egypt.

Be wary of a man who dumped his wife of 10 years because poor little man wasn't as excited about life anymore, so made her sell the family home, move in with her mother and while she saved up, he shagged his way round town for 15 months and then cries for sympathy that she's just bought a new house for her and the kids and he's living in his mothers flat and cries and moans to any woman who listens that 'his kids seem so mentally far away'.

Build and maintain friendships.

figure out where you want to live, and make sure you have separate groups of friends, so that not all are connected to your place of work, for example.

learn to separate work and private life, and prioritise your life outside work.

Never let a man move on with you because they are down on their luck - they are just using you.

If you suspect even a glimmer of cheating, they are cheating. End the relationship immediately and move on, it won’t get any better.

Contraception, contraception, CONTRACEPTION. Don’t have kids with a low-decency man. Even if they appear decent 🥴

"Be careful of suggestions his children come and live with you. You will become a free babysitter, chauffeur, mediator, co-funder etc etc. Are you happy with that?" - this isn't always true in all blended families at all.

"Get to know his parents and siblings. They're the eco system he grew up in and he will repeat that. Do you want that repeating itself with you and any children?" I don't think its fair to judge someone on their family - some people have awful families and they transcend that which is admirable.

The rest seem sensible.

I would add:

Get to know yourself, through therapy or other forms of self-reflection, and take responsibility for what you might find - the good, the bad and the ugly. A lack of self awareness and capability for self reflection and self improvement is what makes and breaks so many relationships of all kinds. But at the same time, don't judge yourself too harshly. It's tricky developing a balanced sense of self.

Remember that you don't have to do anything and neither does anyone else. People can't make you do something you don't want, but the reverse is true as well. If you don't like how someone is, you're better off severing ties than trying to change them.

You know yourself best. Only you will live the consequences of your decisions. Listening to advice can be good, but it's still up to you to take it or not.

Never try to go back to the past. You left a situation (job, home, relationship, etc) for a reason. Going back will only remind you why you left in the first place.

Be a little stubborn. Even if everyone around says you're doing the wrong thing. They may be right or not. Ultimately only you and time can tell.

I'm not sure being over 40 has made me any wiser.

Maintain separate savings and a source of income.

Never live anywhere where your name isn't on the deeds/mortgage/tenancy.

Believe what they do, not what they say. Don't try to mould a clay man into what you need. Get one fully cooked already.

Have private health cover of some type or level. Medicine is inherently misogynistic and the NHS could easily kill or maim you.

Try to have children as young as possible. Too many women time out and don't get the families they want (although many do).

Oh and high SPH. Every day. Start young.

Age won't. Experiences will.

Well first of all, my advice wouldn’t all be about men op!

• start your pension early and commit to prioritising it.
• save. But not to the detriment of living your life.
• treasure your friends.
• treasure your siblings
• exercise
• build a career doing something you enjoy and brings you satisfaction
• wear spf
• read
• try not to eat too much UPF. It will catch up with you.

You are more beautiful than you think you are.
You are smarter than you think you are.
You are braver thank you think you are.
Less people are thinking about, judging you than you think are.
Give less fucks now, you will run out of them later anyhow but I wish I cared less about most things when younger.

Read Gorman’s book on a successful marriage. It’s the best resource to judge how your partner treats you and whether your relationship will last. Ever woman (and man) should read it every year.

Listen to your anger and steward it wisely

Always be well boundaried before being kind.

Keep your financial independence. Never move to follow your man’s career.

Get yourself in top physical condition before you go into peri menopause. It’s much easier to maintain than build fitness then. Your fitness falls rapidly from peri and you can’t work so hard to build it up again without risking injury.

Don't over pluck your eyebrows.

Why would you put highly processed products on your skin but one of your top pieces of advice is to avoid eating them?!

Because I think avoiding skin cancer is a good idea? 🤷‍♀️

why would you go out of your way to be so unconstructive?

If there are exciting things that you want to do, don't put them off. Do them while you are young and single. It may be too late when/if you get another chance.

Do NOT get pregnant until you know that you can really do your best for a child for the next 18 or more years.

When it comes to husbands/partners do not give up your independence too easily and do not settle for second best.

Make sure you understand the complexities of your partner's family before making any commitment, particularly if you are going to have regular contact with them.

If you have your shit together don’t marry, live with or compromise your standards for someone who does not.

take stock of your finances
look at job descriptions for roles you do & consider training/certification to keep yourself marketable.

spf is key for face & neck (if not already)

I did none of those things in my 20s. I put myself and my career first.

You shouldn't need a 40 year old to tell a 20 year old. God what ageist crap.

It's common sense.

If he doesn't get on with his mum, beware.

Get to know his parents and siblings. They're the eco system he grew up in and he will repeat that. Do you want that repeating itself with you and any children?

I'm sure that's good advice in lots of instances but isn't a little unfair on adults who have escaped abusive or dysfunctional backgrounds?

Justifiable reasons for ditching someone you're dating: literally any reason. You don't owe any man a first date or any new partner a second chance. Much better to be single than with the wrong person.

Assess every new person and situation on its merits.. don’t rely on trite “one size fits all” advice you read on the internet.

@HowIrresponsible

Mumsnet is full of women answering calls for advice with their own experience from further along the road.

We ignore our elders' wisdom and perspectives at our peril.

Live your life as though it's your last year on earth, because one day that's exactly where you'll be.

Don't put up with relationships/friendships/jobs that cause you to be unhappy.

Don't put off things you really want to do.

Don't keep things for best, wear the diamonds/expensive shoes/good clothes.

Don't worry about signs of aging, some people never get to that stage.