Women over 40 - your top 10 words of wisdom for younger women?

[JFDIYOLO]

Be wary of a man who does not live with his young children. He either bolted and left them, or she got them away from him. And if you were the one he bolted with - he has a habit and will do it to you.

Do not give up your job, income, savings, pension, home etc to go play unpaid housekeeper to a man who dangles the marriage mirage and maybe baby in front of you … until it's too late for you.

Do not have children with a man who won't marry you, in the hope that will convince him. It won't. He's already got what he wants and you’ll have fewer rights.

Get to know him before moving in together. Learn him before having a child with him. Be aware that the nicest guy can become a nightmare as soon as you get pregnant, or he realises the world no longer revolves around him and his ‘needs’.

Get to know his parents and siblings. They're the eco system he grew up in and he will repeat that. Do you want that repeating itself with you and any children?

The second he first lays a hand on you, or your children, get help and get out. Leaving is the hardest time - but if you stay, this will only get worse.

Keep your own bank account and understand your personal and the household finances. Don't be like the abandoned wife who learned late that water actually has to be paid for because her husband handled all that sort of thing.

If your Spidey senses tell you there is something wrong … there is.

Be careful of suggestions his children come and live with you. You will become a free babysitter, chauffeur, mediator, co-funder etc etc. Are you happy with that?

Be aware that in laws can be a bit bonkers when you have a baby. Set your boundaries, know your rights, practice your ‘no’. No to them watching you give birth, visiting immediately, coming and staying too soon, monopolising the baby etc, if you don't want that, and expect your DP to step up and stand up if you need that.

That's my first ten.

What would you add?

@JFDIYOLO OP, those are lessons that 21 year old men and women have already learned, not people above the age of 40.

Ha.

It's not your job to fix others.

See how people behave when their interests conflict with yours; see who they are when you say no to them. Anyone can be lovely when they're getting their own way.

People who are there for you are worth a hundred times more than fair weather friends. Cherish them.

Watch what people are like to people with less social or financial status than them.

It's good to do your best but you don't have to be perfect.

You are very likely to be much more attractive, funny, intelligent than you think you are.

Charm is overrated.

If people regularly make you feel confused and doubt the evidence from your own senses it is a big potential red flag.

Don't make others a priority who see you as an option.

Things that will give you joy do not necessarily cost money.

Look at your life and see what aspects you devote most of your intellectual and emotional energy on. Try and have a more balanced life in terms of work, hobbies, inner life, self development, spiritual life, friends, family, fun etc.

I've never had counselling or therapy and neither have most of my friends. We are all well adjusted and happy. I'm happily single, they are all happily married (to their original husbands).

Not everyone needs therapy. I agree that everyone has something that might be less than ideal in their background, most of us can deal with it. Damned if I'm paying money to someone else to do it.

Never try to impress a man. Not even on the first date. You can't keep up the pretence forever. He needs to see the real you and if he doesn't like it then he can scram, sooner rather than later. Saves both of you so much time and effort.

If you are angry, get angry. Don't hide it

Travel as much as possible before kids.

Don't neglect friendships and family, even if you find that Mr Right.

Reflect long and hard on your own childhood and what you saw of relationships growing up. Decide what life YOU want, what type of person you want to be and break any patterns passed down which don't fit that.

Time goes very very quickly as you get older. Enjoy each day and don't take anything too seriously.

Work hard to earn what you need to live. Keep smiling and do your best at work but don't kill yourself for work.

Make the most of what you have always.

Teach your kids boundaries, kindness and manners.

Trust your gut . Always .

Don't sleep with a man straight away . Make him wait . He has to work for you . Show you respect . Beware of love Bombers . When they show you who they are believe them .

If anyone disrespects you more than three times this is a pattern not a coincidence. They are testing the waters .

Look after yourself. Do what's right for you .

You are prettier than what you think you are . You will see this eventually.

Family is everything. But only if they treat you right .

You can count your real friends on one hand .

Stay single
Men are vastly overrated
Adopt lots of rescue cats
Get a rabbit vibrator

Don’t ever stay in a bad or unfulfilling relationship because you feel sorry for your partner.

One day you will look back on your old photos of you where you thought you were fat, or that you had a weird nose, bla bla bla. And you will realise. 'I was beautiful. What the fuck was I thinking. And what or who was it who led me to think of myself that way.'

Echo the importance of pension.

Stop buying stuff you don't need, particularly if you have been influenced by social media. Why make other people rich on your hard earned coin? Put it in your pension! Or favour experiences over stuff - but fully commit to the experience- don't do it and view through your phone/or just want to do it for Instagram.

You don't need the validation of someone else's gaze. Particularly a man's. They don't get to decide your worth and they are as shallow as fuck anyway. At some point you will become invisible to men, probably earlier than you would imagine. Don't fear it. It is liberating. It is only when you no longer get that unwanted attention do you realise how limiting and tiresome and sometimes downright dangerous it was.

Small changes done consistently are usually sustainable rather than going all out for a short period.

Don't be an open book. You don't have to tell everyone everything. Colleagues and neighbours are not your friends. Be cordial but keep some boundaries in place.

You weren't born just to fix people. Particularly men. Life is far too short to take on those sort of projects.

SPF. So many great ones around these days at every price point.

Trust your instincts if someone or something feels off.

That guy you're pining for? This time next year if you saw him in the street, you will hide in a doorway to avoid him. Truly.

All things pass. Both the good times and the bad times. Treasure the good moments and try and minimise the bad. Anyway you will cope, don't you always?

Most things you worry about never happen.

Life is better alcohol free. Particularly in the menopause years.

Read lots of books of different types. Try not to re-read them - so many books to read over a limited time frame so on with the new.

Be mindful of your ego. Your ego can make you say or do things you don't really mean. Don't take most stuff personally. Move through trivia, it is literally a waste of your time. Plow on.

Will you really want that tattoo in 20 years time?

Life accelerates as you get older. Just try and grab enjoyment where you can.

Moisturise.

If you have to think of hundreds of "words of wisdom" about men then just don't get anywhere near them, they're obviously dangerous species to be avoided.

lets hope someone creates a similar thread about women.

Smart single women carry condoms.

Don’t spend all your time and money and thoughts and value on how you look. Use it all for ensuring your freedom and learning what you actually like, not what society tells you you should like.

Don't assume that older men are more willing to commit, will be supportive and are better choice for setting down. You will be very disappointed. Keep your options open and consider younger men too.

Wow.

Having read some of the posts here, I'd have to say one if the best pieces of advice I could give is don't listen to advice.

Wtaf.

Barmy advice.

Travel, move, take chances, put yourself out of your comfort zone while you are young. It's a lot harder to grab these chances when you are older.

Don't be afraid to be a single parent. It can be amazing and a hundred times better than shacking yourself to some bloke.

Don't punish yourself for not bring thin or getting a promotion or having a tidy house. Just live your own life.

Even better, you will ideally look at current photos of yourself and think, so I've got a weird nose and I'm fat? I genuinely couldn't care less because I've learned that my physical appearance is the least important thing about me, and the level of happiness in my life has not ebbed and flowed with the number on the scales. I've been happy fat and miserable thin and I wish id spent more time in the moment enjoying what I was doing than worrying about whether I looked good doing it.

Watch people's actions, not their words. So many people on here saying he says he'll do better, he'll stop drinking all night once we have a baby, in 99% of cases he won't , if he wanted to change he'd do it now.

Take your time. Men can hide who they are for the first year - (and sometimes for years)

Know what you DON'T want but don't advertise it. Anyone can pretend to be what you say you want, but it's much harder to hide behaviours that are your hard boundaries.

Makes it easier to filter out based on that.