Women over 40 - your top 10 words of wisdom for younger women?

[JFDIYOLO]

Be wary of a man who does not live with his young children. He either bolted and left them, or she got them away from him. And if you were the one he bolted with - he has a habit and will do it to you.

Do not give up your job, income, savings, pension, home etc to go play unpaid housekeeper to a man who dangles the marriage mirage and maybe baby in front of you … until it's too late for you.

Do not have children with a man who won't marry you, in the hope that will convince him. It won't. He's already got what he wants and you’ll have fewer rights.

Get to know him before moving in together. Learn him before having a child with him. Be aware that the nicest guy can become a nightmare as soon as you get pregnant, or he realises the world no longer revolves around him and his ‘needs’.

Get to know his parents and siblings. They're the eco system he grew up in and he will repeat that. Do you want that repeating itself with you and any children?

The second he first lays a hand on you, or your children, get help and get out. Leaving is the hardest time - but if you stay, this will only get worse.

Keep your own bank account and understand your personal and the household finances. Don't be like the abandoned wife who learned late that water actually has to be paid for because her husband handled all that sort of thing.

If your Spidey senses tell you there is something wrong … there is.

Be careful of suggestions his children come and live with you. You will become a free babysitter, chauffeur, mediator, co-funder etc etc. Are you happy with that?

Be aware that in laws can be a bit bonkers when you have a baby. Set your boundaries, know your rights, practice your ‘no’. No to them watching you give birth, visiting immediately, coming and staying too soon, monopolising the baby etc, if you don't want that, and expect your DP to step up and stand up if you need that.

That's my first ten.

What would you add?

If he makes you cry now he always will.

Don't move jobs/town/university because of a man.

Travel while you're still young and have your health if that's what you want. You don't know what life has in store for you health-wise.

Read up on the menopause.

Start a pension as young as you can.

Whose life are you living? Make sure it's yours.

Moisturise and don't forget your neck.

Don't think you need a man to be complete. You're fine as you are. Get a dog or cat for company. Heck, get a budgie.

Vote

Engage critical thinking

Get your news from multiple sources

Listen to the other perspective you don't have to change your mind but it can be incredibly ignorant not to even consider it.

Don't give away your rights

Don't give up your job to stay home unless you really want that and NEVER if you are not married

Raise your girls to have boundaries and self respect. Raise your boys the same and to appreciate women are not support humans.

Never have another child at the expense of child/ren you have.

Consider how you will manage to parent a SEND child before having kids. As there is fuck all support for these kids if they can't attend mainstream you will be out of work caring for them for a couple years at least fighting the LA for a school place.

Make a will. Consider your children if you predecease a partner and he remarried will your money get to the children?

Prioritise a pension

If a guy says he has a crazy ex run

Be aware most child abusers groom the family too. Most kids are abused by someone they know and they seemed really nice to their parents.

Love your body

Porn isn't real

Pregnancy and childbirth aren't the difficult bits.
Insist on 50:50 chidlcare ( pick ups, drop offs and sick days) from the start
Don't give up your hobbies, job or friends.
Have a running away fund he knows nothing about.

Feel free to stop doing things you don't really care about
That maybe laminating your eyebrows, going on dates, keeping in touch with your school friends. You can just stop. Nothing bad happens.

Some men just don't want to be in a relationship. Attraction and chemistry aren't everything.

Don't be so accepting that you accept the unacceptable.

Learn to speak the truth as early and as tactfully as you can

The truth about what you want, feel, and need. You might be such an agreeable, people pleaser that you don’t even know what’s true for you.

Sounds straightforward but it’s one of the hardest things to achieve, and many people don’t achieve it in their entire life.

From my maternal grandmother: "Never run after a man or a bus - there's always another one along in a minute".

Don't think "Do they like me?"
Think "Do I like them?"

Understand that there has never been anyone who was universally liked. It isn't necessary or even possible. So don't waste your energy trying! Choose to spend your efforts on people who enhance your life in ways you appreciate.

Keep your job and your money regardless of what any man says about how he'll support you. You need to be able to support yourself and leave if you have to.

Wear what you like and what suits you, not what fashion tells you you should.

Lift weights and save money but don't do either obsessively. Both prepare you for old age.

Reduce, reuse, recycle.

None of us are getting out of here alive so try and enjoy the ride.

I’ve had to work really hard to have good relationships with men. Because I grew up in an echo chamber like this one, being told from an early age how untrustworthy men were, how they are only interested in sex, or thensleves. How they fear and hate commitment, and that most of them will cheat of given the chance. I was taught to get men to commit to me with marriage, or the relationship would be rocky.

All of these things were confusing to me, given the men I knew and liked. It made me doubt them, doubt myself. I couldn’t trust any of them. I closed myself off to them. I became a victim of my own closed mindedness, and I lost out on some lovely feelings and relationships because I just didn’t dare to believe that they men I would have been having the relationship with were really what they seemed: genuine, nice men who had real feelings and good intentions towards me.

it’s taken me decades to shake off that negativity, that inherent distrust of the opposite sex. And now I’m so glad I did. It makes me so sad that other young women may come along and read threads like this and think the same things that I did, and live a life of mistrust.

Far better to teach them self worth, specific warning signs, financial acuity and soft skills like that, that merely “warn” them about bad men.

Have courage

Be financially independent

Don't rely on anyone if you can help it

Be firm and stand your ground

Self care is as important as changing your underwear

Empower other women. Make compliments to each other.

We are all in this shit show together

Keep good friends close and appreciate them for who they are

Boundaries boundaries boundaries

And finally
Love who you are and what you are about. Don't be afraid to be different as there is no such thing as

Don't have a baby at 41 if you want to retire vaguely early. At 41 you may not realise that 14 years later your mind will be regretting losing the option of early retirement.

Every woman should understand investments, savings, compound interest, pensions and tax. Read Girls that invest. Earn your own money and make it work for you.

Don't ever give up your independence or salary however much it might seem like the easy option. Keep your oar in part time whenever possible.

Don't ever move into a home owned by a man and have babies without marriage.

Don't let a man (especially with kids) move into your owned home if he has no income.

Remember your hormones are powerful. You might think you're passionately in love and able to overcome all challenges but mostly men don't change that much.

It's not compulsory to have children.
It's not compulsory to be in a marriage/partnership.

Be selfish in your youth. You’ll have plenty of time later in life to be selfless and put other people first.

Children are very very expensive, for 18 years and beyond. If something happens to your partner, will you manage? Be prepared and don’t have kids until you can look after yourself and them.

Be weary of a man who doesn't live with his young children but also don't let him move his children in with you?

How does that work?

Know your worth.

Don't use sunbeds.

Maintain financial independence.

When the "nice guy' from the nice middle class family shows you what a cunt he actually is, run.

When the 'bad lad' from a dysfunctional family shows you he's 1 in a million, marry him.

Save early, save often
Don't rely on anyone - and I mean anyone - to look after you
Be self aware
Love yourself, have self respect
Don't put up with shit
Make the effort to keep some friends
Be kind
Remember envy is the thief of joy
Enjoy life while you can
Look after your teeth

Not in any particular order apart from looking after your teeth, you should be doing that anyway.

Be careful of suggestions his children come and live with you. You will become a free babysitter, chauffeur, mediator, co-funder etc etc. Are you happy with that?

I mean,.OK, be careful. But otherwise that's what parents do, especially if you want the healthy eco-system you alluded to.

Don't live with a man who has kids unless you're prepared for them to live with you 100% of the time. Shit happens, he might have to step up to parent full time at some point.

Live abroad for at least a year. It will change your POV on everything.

Financial independence because unless you have a set of mythical, rich, loving parents, no one else is going to save you.

Wary, not weary.

Don't waste time on the internet.

Have counselling/therapy.

Seriously as a pp mentioned upthread we all have some hang ups from being told ‘Be Kind’ and the like leading to FOG, lack of boundaries and having our bar way to low.

Live your own life and don't wait around for other people.
Look after your teeth, exercise and don't preoccupy yourself with your appearance. Being attractive is really overrated and not useful.
Develop hobbies and friendships.
Switch off Netflix.
Eat well.
Learn practical skills for independence.
Find a job you like and work hard.
Be adventurous.
Pay into your pension.