Women over 40 - your top 10 words of wisdom for younger women?

[JFDIYOLO]

Be wary of a man who does not live with his young children. He either bolted and left them, or she got them away from him. And if you were the one he bolted with - he has a habit and will do it to you.

Do not give up your job, income, savings, pension, home etc to go play unpaid housekeeper to a man who dangles the marriage mirage and maybe baby in front of you … until it's too late for you.

Do not have children with a man who won't marry you, in the hope that will convince him. It won't. He's already got what he wants and you’ll have fewer rights.

Get to know him before moving in together. Learn him before having a child with him. Be aware that the nicest guy can become a nightmare as soon as you get pregnant, or he realises the world no longer revolves around him and his ‘needs’.

Get to know his parents and siblings. They're the eco system he grew up in and he will repeat that. Do you want that repeating itself with you and any children?

The second he first lays a hand on you, or your children, get help and get out. Leaving is the hardest time - but if you stay, this will only get worse.

Keep your own bank account and understand your personal and the household finances. Don't be like the abandoned wife who learned late that water actually has to be paid for because her husband handled all that sort of thing.

If your Spidey senses tell you there is something wrong … there is.

Be careful of suggestions his children come and live with you. You will become a free babysitter, chauffeur, mediator, co-funder etc etc. Are you happy with that?

Be aware that in laws can be a bit bonkers when you have a baby. Set your boundaries, know your rights, practice your ‘no’. No to them watching you give birth, visiting immediately, coming and staying too soon, monopolising the baby etc, if you don't want that, and expect your DP to step up and stand up if you need that.

That's my first ten.

What would you add?

Make sacrifices to buy a house.

If a man touches you aggressively leave him the very next day.

Wear sunscreen and don't miss out your décolleté.

Go to the gym/ run/ play tennis whatever your thing is to be fit. Perimenopause can totally bugger up your fitness.

Pay into a pension as early as you can.

If a man says something abusive to you or try to control you leave him. That is not love.

Don't neglect your women friends. There'll come a day when 'your little family' is off doing their thing and you'll want someone to do yours with. Dont rely on that being your DH. You will probably have a lot more get up and go in middle age than he does, multiplied by a 100 if he's significantly older.

Don't let the minutiae of school life upset you. There'll come a time when you can barely remember the names of the mums who snubbed you, and when your DC graduates/gets their first job, it really won't matter they never got picked to bring the class teddy home or invited to Clara's party.

Teach your children you are a person with interests, opinions and feelings. Respect theirs and expect respect for yours. Start this when they are toddlers.

Dont be ageist towards other women. The attitudes you put out there now will be right there waiting for you before you know it.

Dont collude with male sexism, the banter and jokes about other women. The rewards might feel good in the moment, but just like ageism, it will coming for you too.

Dont marry a drinker.

sunscreen

be minimalist - otherwise you spend the rest of your life trying to get rid of stuff 😄

Just because there's a way your family do things/ speak to you and others/ see the world, doesn't make it necessarily right, or right for you.
Treat yourself like you'd treat or talk to a friend.
Rock solid contraception until you are sure you want to be pregnant
When someone tells you who they are, listen

Find a job you love, or at least one you enjoy and gives you satisfaction. Be willing to work at it.

Don't be frightened to change direction (career / education / love life) if things aren't working.

Explore the world (it doesn't have to mean far-flung places, but don't ever stop finding new places and new experiences).

Always be curious.

Develop critical thinking skills and keep them well used and honed.

If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Know your own finances, keep on top of them, don't let someone else make financial decisions for you, don't make decisions that will disadvantage you financially now or in the future.

If you meet someone and they have a few characteristics that bug you but you constantly have to overlook them - they are probably the things that you'll hate them for in 10 years.

Don't have children with someone who shows themselves to be lazy / selfish / think they should always be your nr 1 / think women should give up or reduce their job for children / don't pull their weight at home. And that means someone who doesn't think they are 'helping' if they do housework, doesn't expect praise or thanks for cooking a meal, and doesn't think you should direct them / ask them to do things.

Maintain good friendships. Don't stick around if someone treats you badly. Be a good friend. Don't ever drop a good friend for a man.

Never ever marry someone you know would behave badly if you had to divorce.

When it comes to money, trust is good but checking is better. Know your own way round household finances.

If you're feeling down or having a hard time of it, try to keep busy and achieve something every day. Often happiness or a moment of humour will sneak up on you after a while when you're not looking, and it may help you to sleep.

A small tot of brandy will dispel period cramps in about ten minutes. (I wish I'd known that one twenty years earlier).

Some advice from my younger self now : If you can only afford one pair of tights, you can wash them overnight and dry them on defrost in the microwave. However, this only works if you are awake in the mornings and do not absentmindedly put them in on roast.

Find something you love doing, and make sure you have time to do it regularly. You matter just as much as anyone else, and it is important to nourish the soul.

I’ve read some absolutely great posts but admittedly not all but mine would be…

DO NOT stay with a man who doesn’t want children even though you do because you just love him SO MUCH!!!

It is more than just a tad depressing when these men run off with a younger woman and have those children leaving their now menopausal exes behind!!!

Mutual/shared goals and view of the future is much much more important than ‘love’ seriously!

Great list.

I would add;

Don't take shit from people in general. Don't let disrespectful and unkind behaviour slip by. Speak up.

Expect reciprocity and don't sacrifice anything for people who aren't giving in return.

Take good care of your health and your body, but accept that it does not have to look a certain way.

Never give in to sex you don't want to please a man or to keep him from nagging you for it. Only 100 informed, enthusiastic and uncoerced consent is acceptable and any man who thinks otherwise is a rapey piece of shit.

Don't get pissed off your ass drunk. If you must drink, set a limit of a couple of them and rigidly keep to it.

Don't use drugs recreationally apart from a bit of weed, and even that should not be often.

Don't lie, especially to yourself. A white lie now and then to avoid hurting feelings is acceptable.

Admit the mistakes you are responsible for and work to fix them, but never take responsibility for somebody else's bad behavior.

The last one is particularly relevant on MN, where we have endless threads of women describing a man who is a horror show, yet the woman is asking if it is her fault. Never think that way. Everybody is responsible for his/her own conduct

Don't be a dick about people making a spelling or grammar mistake on the internet. It makes you look like a twat.

Amen!

A lot of these are about men. Some men rape corpses. Do not centre your life around a man, any man.
40 isn't old but I'm glad I've looked after my teeth, skin and fitness. It starts to show around now on those who haven't.
Never buy cheap saucepans.
You need a solid group of women friends. The kind that build up other women rather than bitch behind their backs.
Keep learning.

40 isn't old but I'm glad I've looked after my teeth, skin and fitness. It starts to show around now on those who haven't.

I agree, but also want to point out: it's never too late to improve on these things.

Definitely. I took up running in my 40s & started weightlifting soon after my 50th birthday. It’s all benefiting me.

I'd agree with this too. At 50 I completely turned around years of bad health habits and I've never felt better. Teeth though...early care can't be overstated. Because once they start to be a bother, unless you can afford thousands in dentistry, your options are limited.

I truly believe that all girls should be taught how to do pelvic floor exercises correctly at school in a health & wellness class . I’ve learnt the hard way & had no idea that I’d suffer so much by not understanding what technique I should have been practicing. It’s took a trained physio to show me how

Start as you mean to go on in relationships- if you want someone who shares housework - set the boundaries even before you move in together- it's much harder 8 years down the line with 2 kids in the mix - much easier when they are still at the 'desparate to look good' stage

Don't totally give up a career or job even with kids- even if you only do 8 hours a week- keep your hand in - you never know when you might need it

Don't make someone your whole life - keep up with friends, hobbies ,

Don't put yourself second in life to keep everyone else happy

Always if you can have an emergency fund

Definitely prioritise exercise, especially weight and strength training.
Don’t be a people pleaser.
Live with a man before marriage. He might be a good man but only when living together you will find out that you are expected to be his mother, work full time and carry the whole mental and sometimes physical load. This leads to resentment later.
Care less about other people’s opinions.
Life is short. Live it to the full, love yourself and be unapologetically you.

@BettyBardMacDonald great advice, great namesake!

Do things that your future self will thank you for

Dont put up with anything because 'you dont want to rock the boat'.

If you approach men as though they are the enemy and can't be trusted until the have worked there way through a 16 point check list, you're probably better off staying single.

The world doesn't owe you a relationship; it's not compulsory.

Don’t read fairytales when you are a kid because they aren’t real.

Just because you love someone and they love you doesn't mean you are meant to be together (when I was younger I truly believed that the strength of our feelings meant we had to be together). You need to be compatible in terms of lifestyle and goals to work long term.

On a related note it it never one person's sole responsibility to save an ailing relationship. Why spend hours ruminating and strategizing on how to save 'us' when the other half clearly doesn't care. Knowing when to call time doesn't mean you've failed.

Good books are lifelong companions that you can go back to each decade and find they are familiar and yet changed - different parts of the book stand out to me more as I gain life experience (I now sympathise with Mrs Bennet.

It's a cliche but true to say 'this too shall pass'. Someone once told me most problems that you lie awake worrying about are forgotten in 2 weeks. I have found this to be surprisingly true.

Other people really aren't bothered by what you do most of the time so you may as well do what makes you happy.

Never get a loan out for anyone
Don't get involved with a man who can't do basic life admin eg make their own appts - you will end up turning into his Mum
Look after your teeth
Run away from a man who won't take no for an answer.

Don't be a dick
Own your mistakes
Feel the fear and do it anyway