Women over 40 - your top 10 words of wisdom for younger women?

[JFDIYOLO]

Be wary of a man who does not live with his young children. He either bolted and left them, or she got them away from him. And if you were the one he bolted with - he has a habit and will do it to you.

Do not give up your job, income, savings, pension, home etc to go play unpaid housekeeper to a man who dangles the marriage mirage and maybe baby in front of you … until it's too late for you.

Do not have children with a man who won't marry you, in the hope that will convince him. It won't. He's already got what he wants and you’ll have fewer rights.

Get to know him before moving in together. Learn him before having a child with him. Be aware that the nicest guy can become a nightmare as soon as you get pregnant, or he realises the world no longer revolves around him and his ‘needs’.

Get to know his parents and siblings. They're the eco system he grew up in and he will repeat that. Do you want that repeating itself with you and any children?

The second he first lays a hand on you, or your children, get help and get out. Leaving is the hardest time - but if you stay, this will only get worse.

Keep your own bank account and understand your personal and the household finances. Don't be like the abandoned wife who learned late that water actually has to be paid for because her husband handled all that sort of thing.

If your Spidey senses tell you there is something wrong … there is.

Be careful of suggestions his children come and live with you. You will become a free babysitter, chauffeur, mediator, co-funder etc etc. Are you happy with that?

Be aware that in laws can be a bit bonkers when you have a baby. Set your boundaries, know your rights, practice your ‘no’. No to them watching you give birth, visiting immediately, coming and staying too soon, monopolising the baby etc, if you don't want that, and expect your DP to step up and stand up if you need that.

That's my first ten.

What would you add?

I'm sure that's good advice in lots of instances but isn't a little unfair on adults who have escaped abusive or dysfunctional backgrounds?

Maybe, but you don't owe anyone a relationship. Just because a potential partner's awful family aren't his fault, that doesn't mean you (and your possible future children) want to be tied to them for life, or that the effects of his upbringing wouldn't cause major problems in your relationship.

Never eat anything bigger than your own head.

There is a surprising level of judgment about people not getting along with their families here, I've been estranged from mine for over a decade and don't encounter any judgement in real life, but now I'm wondering what people say about me behind my back...

That said, the main thing I have learned about relationships in my life (I'm 44) is that you don't always have to try and fix the broken thing. My marriage break up taught me that and it gave me the strength to 'break up' with my parents.

Also exercise, it's boring but it's true - humans need exercise and in todays sedentary lifestyle that usually needs to be something intentional. Find something that you love, doesn't matter if it's walking or salsa dancing or rugby or what, but do it a few times a week and your body will thank you.

You think a youngster would listen to you now?

If women want to do it they will.

Not even a Pizza?

@LiterallyOnFire

Check out the multiple calls for help here from women whose husbands are living with Fear, Obligation and Guilt from their own toxic childhoods.

And whose husbands' own experiences are preventing them stepping up and supporting their own partners subjected to bullying, etc.

'You don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem' is a cry that echoes through the Mumsnet vaults.

OP- your words of wisdom read like rules when I have learned that no amount of rule making can guarantee success in life or relationships.

Maintain independent activity and thinking. Do not live your life for or through a man OR children.

@BitOutOfPractice
This is Relationships. If it was general advice, op would have presumably posted it in a different topic.

Never have your salary paid into a joint account
Whenever a difficult situation occurs ask yourself how you would advise your friend if they were in that position then act upon that advice.
Learn basic car maintenance

Oh, and your good friends will always be more important than your family. Treasure them.

Oh I don't need to. I know as I said, in many situations it's good advice. But some adults are fully aware of the dysfunction, trying to maintain distance, low contact etc. It's a bit tough on people with good boundaries if dates are insisting on meeting their abusive families and judging them by that.

Appreciate yourself for how you look and feel now: your older self will look back at you enviously and think you are scorching hot!

Don’t waste time on people who drain you and leave you feeling miserable.

High heels are overrated.

Look after your teeth

Don’t go to bed with dishes in the sink

Never get Lego / polly pocket or loom bands as toys for your kids unless you fancy spending hours on your knees collecting up every last bit.

Slime/ elephant toothpaste / glittery creations are fine to make but do them in the garden to save your sanity

Christmas can be low key (even with kids) if you want it to be.

Don’t be a people pleaser. This is usually at your own expense.

Learn to say NO

Don’t make excuses for bad behaviour in a partner ( dump them instead)

Work to ensure you have financial independence.

Don’t be too concerned with what others think. Be true to yourself.

I agree. My family is massively messed up. So I suppose I’m only good enough for a man from a messed up family too? I would not make the cut as relationship material if the rule were followed equitably by both sexes.

The rule is just an updated way of expressing outdated sayings like
“Bad blood will out”
”Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”

ah @Colacao i must admit I didn’t clock that. Apologies in that case OP. Still think my advice is better 😂

I don't believe in the marriage thing. Earn your own money and know you can support yourself.

Focus on what you want in life be in career, children or all of it and make a plan with no need for a man.

I waited to find love ( and he is wonderful) but it was too late for my fertility. I should have just prioritised differently, or good enough, so I could have had more than one child.

Wow. You have an awful, low, terribly pessimistic view of men. This is a bit like something Andrew Tate might write about women.

Nope. Nothing save some for the morning.

Be happy and fulfilled on your own before you try to find happiness with someone else

Be yourself, never try to be what you think someone wants you to be

Be financially secure without relying on anyone else

Get therapy now. Understand yourself. Build your self esteem and avoid the bad choices that meant I needed therapy later and had a hard life.

Stay single and get cats

Can you read minds because this was my exact thought 😱😂

Get a good education and a decent job so you are financially independent

Pay the max you can into your pension

Don't allow yourself to worry or hold off doing scary (or any) stuff. Yes, things might not go quite as planned but it is often just a different path and usually everything turns out just fine, sometimes even better

Enjoy yourself, have fun with friends and family

Get off social media it will only make you feel less than.

Step back, take your time and choose your men wisely

There is more to life than being someone's significant other.
There is more to life than going out and partying every night.
There is more to life than what you look like.
There is more to life than small town gossip.

Travel, meet new people, broaden your horizons.

Read lots of books.

When you are in your 50's you will honestly look back and wonder what you were worried about! You were gorgeous and had the world at your feet.

Ahhhhhhhh how I would love to do it all again knowing what I know now......

Don’t stay in a job you hate.